My weekly Thursday post over at Political Humor by Radioactive Liberty is a fun one this time. Gore scolds us for causing a cyclone. How far will he go to get people to buy his carbon credits?
On a side note as you can see I installed a new theme. Is anyone having any issues with being able to comment, or navigate, etc…? If you are please let me know so I can fix any glitches.
LOBO, the funny, odd, and sometimes paranoid writer of The Predator Press has bestowed upon my blog the “Predator Press Temporary Lifetime Achievement Award”. It arrived yesterday in a box marked ‘FRAGILE‘ which I assumed was Italian.
No it was not that famous leg lamp. It was something cooler:
I know what you are thinking. ‘Chris, that’s something for cookware not a blog’. Details smeetails. Look, there are a million awards that are given out by people who think they are funny. This is the typical blog award:
That isn’t cool. That isn’t funny. It is downright creepy. And if you notice, Richard Simmons’ eyes follow you even if you move to the side of your monitor. Pure evil.
LOBO’s award, even being temporary fits well among the fine collection this blog has received so far. Like this one from Lord Likely:
With gold trading at $900 an ounce that is a very valuable award. Anyone know how many bytes are in an ounce?
Sometimes you earn your awards through hard work like when I took first place in one of Diesel’s Caption Contests with this politically-correct winning caption entry:
So thanks again to LOBO for yet another not-lame award to add to my collection. Now I just need to get some cookware.
Humor-blogs.com does not give out major awards but does have funny blogs
Did you know that envy is something that is between two people while jealousy involves three?
It is true. Saying “Jane is jealous of Cindy’s ability to hook up with strange men on a nightly basis” is incorrect. Jane would actually be envious of Cindy’s amazing slut powers. Now if Cindy slept with Jane’s boyfriend which should happen any day now, this situation would cross over into jealousy as well as a possible cat fight.
Or attempted kidnapping.
In February 2007 Lisa Nowak, a NASA astronaut put on a diaper used in space travel and drove non-stop 950 miles from Houston to Orlando to confront her lover’s girlfriend in a fit of jealousy.
I am envious of Nowak’s tenacity, ingenuity, and determination.
Besides, I can look past my women wearing a diaper under their skirt as opposed to wedding tackle.
I am not envious of soccer star Ronaldo’s taste in women, especially those packing heat in more ways then one.
In the final example, we have Paris Hilton who doesn’t have a bulge in her drawers but knows how to use the word ‘Jealousy’. She just needs to work on keeping up with the voice track.
I am envious of Paris’ amazing inability to lip-synch. It is like forgetting the words to ‘Happy Birthday’ or not remembering how to walk.
I hope this guide helps clear up any misunderstandings or misconceptions about envy vs. jealously.
Humor-Blogs.com is full of grammatical errors. Not really but they do have entertaining humor blogs.
Funny, this is what comes to mind every time I watch any kind of debating or commentary on the various news channels.
Here is what they are saying since some of it is hard to hear:
“Oh please, you can’t expect her to know how to run a country just because her husband did.”
“Excuse me? In addition to being former first lady, she had performed admirably as New York senator.”
“That’s debatable.”
“So is Obama’s experience level. Not to mention the question of his patriotism.”
“Oh don’t bring up this Reverend Wright crap again. If every politician were held responsible for the words of his associates…”
“Or her associates…”
“They wouldn’t…”
“This was not an associate. This was his pastor!”
“Right! This was his pastor! Not him! Not his words! You want to talk about personal accountability? How about all the ‘misremembered’ stories Shrill is spreading around the campaign trail?”
“Oh, and you have a perfect memory?”
“I’m not running for President!”
“Well, Bush did and look what happened.”
“Why are you bringing Bush into this? I didn’t vote for Bush. I wasn’t even born yet!”
“My point is, it’s time for men to stand aside and let a woman show America how it’s done.”
“Then why aren’t you bashing McCain too? He’s a man. You know why? Because he’s white!”
“Oh, please!”
“He’s white, and Barack is black, and you’re a racist!”
“Well, you’re a chauvinist!”
“At least my candidate didn’t cry on the campaign trail!”
“Well, at least my candidates middle name isn’t Hussein!”
“Oh, you did not just go there!”
“You’re right, I’m sorry. That was low.”
“Look, let’s just come together and stop fighting. Otherwise McCain will win.”
Prepare for the summer movies that suck! Well most will but hey, I haven’t even seen these films yet. Like my severe avoidance of green beans, which I actually have never tasted, I judge which flicks are good and bad based on two minutes of a trailer and in most cases common sense.
It isn’t hard to be a movie critic. Sure, they tell you they have seen what they are reviewing but for all we know that clip of ‘Gigli’ on Guest & Ebert was new to them too. If I can make crap up on a blog about ‘Speed Racer’ these guys can wing a review.
I’ve broken the post up into a monthly series because I know you don’t want to read a 10,000 word post about movies. The summer will be over by then. This time around we obviously go with the flicks for May.
Let the winging it begin.
Iron Man
May 2
Robert Downey Jr. amazes me with the way he was able to juggle a reoccurring drug addiction and a successful career and still be alive and get great roles. To be fair he is clean and sober now and to his credit he is a good actor.
Still, I am always torn on anyone playing a superhero role until I see the film itself. And Iron Man fans you better like Downey in the red and gold suit because both he and Gwyneth Paltrow have expressed interest in staying on for a trilogy.
I think this will be an enjoyable movie because of the special effects technology finally catching up with being able to do justice to Iron Man’s abilities. The plot will be typical comic book-like but I think Marvel Films learned from disaster in 2003 and not make something as stupid as The Hulk ever again.
Speed Racer
May 9
Speaking of stupid films, here we are with the worst-ever cartoon translated to the big screen, Speed Racer. Not only was the show dumb but it exposed a lot of Americans to Anime and ushered in the age of living in the parents’ basement.
I don’t think the Wachowski Brothers will ever make a good film again after the first Matrix.
That said who the hell would go see this movie? It’s too hyper and colorful for children. It’s too lame for adults. Seriously, what is the target demographic for this one?
Wait until it shows up on the TNT weekend movie rotation late night, sandwiched between Blade II and Forest Gump. It won’t cost you anything and you will be too drunk to see the suckiness of the plot.
The Chronicles of Narnia: Prince Caspian
May 16
I know you have to suspend belief of reality in a movie, especially ones where lions talk and sound like Liam Neelsen. But I just can’t get past the time thing. They enter Narnia as kids, grow up and leave the world as adults but back on Earth it is days later. Then in this one they enter Narnia a year older here but the same age over there. I think I’m getting a headache.
Still this one should be good. Don’t let my silly ramblings sway you on the second Narnia.
Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull
May 22
Expect lots of old jokes. Sneak a six pack into the theater and take a swig every time Indy says “I’m too old for this” thus creating a fun new drinking game.
The trailer has a scene where his timing on a swing is off. He had his tell-a-joke time then he punched out the two people in the cab of the truck. Look, I am no expert director but wouldn’t the scene have flowed better if he took the two dudes out then made the joke? At least it wouldn’t look like the bad guys were waiting for Indy to make his ‘getting old’ crack.
Sex and the City
May 30
I once had a roommate that loved this show and would often watch the DVDs in his room. I also once heard him say “You go girl”. He didn’t know I overheard him and I made sure to say so months later in front of a bunch of people as only a roommate would do.
Total chick flick and if I ever have to make the deal with a girlfriend or wife to watch this (you know the one where she says she’ll watch something you like if she gets to pick something she likes) I am picking Bavarian Midget porn just to spite her.
Don’t miss the sequel, the 2008 Summer Movie Preview II coming Friday, June 9th.
Welcome to another edition of “Bloggers Speak” where Angry Seafood interviews the authors of humor blogs. We are joined today by Johnny Virgil from Fifteen Minute Lunch.
Chris: Welcome to the feature Johhny. How are you doing?
Johnny Virgil:I’m good. But where the hell is everyone? My agent told me I’d be reading for the part of “interested onlooker.” I’ll work for scale. Who are you again?
C: Why is haiku dumb?
JV:I don’t think all of it’s dumb. Read some japanese death haiku sometime. Some of it can be very moving. Sorry, I know this is supposed to be funny.
C: Your thoughts on Cinco De Mayo.
JV:I haven’t thought about Cinco De Mayo in…well, never, actually. I know one thing about it, and that one thing is that I get to wear jeans to work on that day, so whatever the hell it is, I’m all for it.
C: Great taste or less filling?
JV:Jeez, where are you getting these questions from? 1993? I’d have to go with less filling, because Miller Light is basically club soda filtered through old college fraternity carpets. And anything that you *don’t* drink has to be less filling than something you do, right?
C: Who do you think is the ugliest US presidential candidate and why?
JV: Wow. That’s a tough one. I’d say it’s a toss up between McCain and Hillary. McCain is older, but Hillary clearly has the bigger penis. Truthfully, she freaks me out a little. Case in point:
C: What are monkey punchers and what bothers you most about them?
JV: It’s a term for idiots with computers. “Monkeypunchers” are the kind of people who are stupid enough to click on the dumb flash ads that are on every web page you see. You know, the ones where there are buttons for choices, but they don’t actually do anything but take you to the same lame web page, no matter which one you click on? These types of people have computers that are generally so full of spyware, adware and viruses, that even though the computer is brand new, it has all the speed of my grandfather in the bathroom after thanksgiving dinner.
JV: I made about $200 - all from donations from other people who were forced to (or chose to)wear similar clothes in the 70’s. I spent it all on vintage clothes. When nobody is around I put them on and do The Shuffle in my living room.
C: Why would someone name their child Rainbow?
JV: I have no idea. I guessit beats naming your kid “Refracted Light.” I guess if maybe you were a huge Ritchie Blackmore fan. Or gay. Or a gay hippie. Or maybe a gay hippie Ritchie Blackmore fan.
C: Che Guevara, evil or misunderstood?
JV: I’m going to have to go with “misunderstood” based on this unreleased footage of Che and Fidel...
(*Editor’s Note: The embed code still isn’t working but hopefully the link above should send you to the funny video which is a great addition to the answer*)
C: Thanks a lot for taking the time to do this interview Johnny. Any parting thoughts?
JV: The guy who said “a bird in the hand is worth two in the bush” hasn’t been putting his bird in the right bushes. Let’s go with that.
Johnny’s question for the readers: Don’t you people have things to do? How many of you are reading this at work? And more importantly, Is your company hiring?
f you would like to be interviewed hit me up and we will make it happen. My only requirement is that you actually be funny and you have a blog. Boring interviews don’t make for good ones around here.
Humor-blogs.com is home to Fifteen Minute Lunch and other funny humor blogs. Visit there or die a horrible death.
Coming Wednesday: The ‘Bloggers Speak’ Interview
with Johnny Virgil from Fifteen Minute Lunch
There is still time to place your bets in the over/under on the number of fathers in the Texas Polygamist Cult. But make sure you act quickly, the DNA tests are due back soon.
Doing her best ‘Jodie-Foster-from-Taxi-Driver‘ impression for a Vanity Fair photo shoot, the fun ride down the road to debauchery begins with another celebrity peaking as a teen. At this point the only thing left she hasn’t done is porn.
Our little girl is growing up so fast.
This also exposes the funny laws we have. For example:
Vanity Fair soft porn picture of 15-year-old = Art.
Same picture on your hard drive = criminal indictment.
And what kind of sex talk about a celebrity minor and soft porn would be complete without the lawmakers themselves?
Florida’s politicians decide to bring up a bill Sunday to ban fake bull testicles from cars and trucks. I go into the hairy details over at Radioactive Liberty, but it seems we are a little obsessed over how well-hung our bumpers are.
So now there is testicle envy? Yes, and I cite this example:
Fake balls on politicians/lawmakers = Legal
Fake balls on cars = Illegal
It all makes sense now.
*Have you made your guess about the Polygamist Cult’s DNA test results yet? Make sure you get over to the DNA betting post and make your call in the comments section. More then or less then thirty fathers?*
Humor-blogs.com doesn’t show skin or testes but rather funny humor blogs.
Last year I got a lot of enjoyment making fun of the suckiness that was the 2007 Summer Movie Season and I continue that tradition for 2008 with the first half of the preview Friday, May 2nd. Looks like shooting fish in a barrel with a Hulk sequel and Iron Man. Maybe just maybe an M. Night Shyamalan film will not be about exclusion from society. But that would be like wishing Tarintino did one movie in a linear format.
More humor blogger interviews
Next up is Johnny Virgil from Fifteen Minute Lunch. His interview will be up sometime next week and promises to be funny. Maybe I’m putting too much pressure on him but his blog is hilarious so he does it to himself hehe. If you ever read a blog post about an old JC Penney catalog, that was his work.
That one is followed up by myself, yours truly being interviewed by Frogster, formerly of The Frog Bog Blog who is now a retired blogger. Like a Tupac CD, Frogster had some things done he never released and you get to read it exclusively here. Ok, maybe one thing.
If you would like to be interviewed hit me up and we will make it happen. My only requirement is that you actually be funny. Boring interviews don’t make for good ones around here.
The Rest of The Top Ten Funniest Television Shows
A little while back, I did a post about the top ten funniest shows but I only put in five choices because that is how I roll. Unlike Mel Brooks’ fake promise of a History of the World sequel, I complete the damn list. I also include your suggestions.
(The teaser for the sequel can be seen at about seven minutes into this end clip of the Mel Brooks classic.)
Democrat Dilemma: The Black Guy or the Woman?
My weekly Thursday post over at Political Humor by Radioactive Liberty is a doozey. It looks at the problem Democrats are having trying to choose between a black man and a white woman. Isn’t life grand?
Don’t forget to place your over/under bets!
The DNA results will be out for the members of the Texas Polygamist Cult soon so make sure you get over to the DNA betting post and make your call in the comments section. More then or less then thirty fathers?
Later on this week we will know how many, or in this case, how few fathers the Texas Polygamist Cult’s 4,123 children have, thanks to DNA testing. Being that this is America there are always opportunities to make light of tragedy as well as gamble on it at the same time so here we go.
Over/Under on the amount of fathers in
the Texas Polygamist Cult: Thirty
Do you think the DNA results will be over thirty fathers or under?
Place your bets in the comments section. The winners receive absolutely nothing except the knowledge that you helped me make fun of weird people. I think that is a reward in it of itself.
Humor-blogs.com likes polygamy. Go there
to read funny blogs about multiple wives.
Prepare for the summer movies that suck! Well most will but hey, I haven’t even seen these films yet. Like my severe avoidance of green beans, which I actually have never tasted, I judge which flicks are good and bad based on two minutes of a trailer and in most cases common sense.
Miley Cyrus finally turned the corner and 
