Disney is reviving their House of the Future attraction in May and like a high school reunion, it will look dated in a decade.

Remember when you bought your first PC and how pissed off you got when you saw cheaper, more powerful computers a month later? Imagine buying a house of the future and the talk around the water cooler…

“So then a year ago we bought the House of the Future 1.0. It has fully-integrated networking between our appliances, computers, home entertainment. It talks to us and helps us organize our lives better.”

“Oh that’s the old model John. We just bought the 2.0 version and it has robots. Half the price too.”

“Son of a bitch.”

To avoid awkward moments like these I think there should be some practicality in the house of the future.

I would like to see special features for the television/audio system like “Chipmunk/Helium Speak”. If politicians are going to talk about government-managed health care and the re-distribution of our money they should sound as ridiculous as the concepts themselves.

Maybe in the house of the future there will be politicians who aren’t in it to boost their egos or status in society making such a feature unnecessary. You never know.

If I can’t have that pipe dream at least give me a wall made of foam, just one anywhere in the house where I can bang my head anytime a politician says or does something stupid.

I want bar codes to be able to inventory the groceries in my house and communicate this with my cellphone in some way.

“This is Kathy from OnStar Mobile. How can I help you today Mr. Cameron?”
“Yes, I’m outside the liquor store…and its about to close!”
“Mr. Cameron, I need you to calm down sir. My computer is loading your household inventory…”
“Hurry, he’s getting his keys!”
“Almost there sir…”
“Chloe I need those files!”
“Got it! Buy more beer.”

I want the bathroom floor to be grated so when stupid shit like an overflowing toilet happens or my future offspring runs the shower with the curtain open because he thinks it is funny the water will have a better place to go then the hallway.

I want escalators instead of stairs. We invented the damn thing like a hundred years ago for crying out loud. Besides, we as a nation have a goal of complete and utter obesity. This cannot be achieved in the future without some kind of radical change. The elimination of having to climb flights of stairs is that agent.

I would like my house to talk to me. Dirty.

I want to come home and have the dirty house voice greet me with television listings. I know it sounds like I’m channeling Michael Rapaport’s character in Sixth Day but at least there’s no hologram in my vision.

And if there was I could totally rag on Mr. 2.0 House of the Future Guy.

What is your House of the Future like?
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