sports humor

Remember when Mom punched your Little League coach out for not giving you the steal sign in a game once? Okay, maybe that was just my childhood but many people have helicopter parents, ones who hover over their child in every decision they make, even in adulthood.

Lebron James of the NBA’s Cleveland Cavaliers has a helicopter mom. There is a not-so-tough hard foul on him from Paul Pierce in Monday night’s NBA playoff game between Cleveland and Boston and the two end up twirling into the stands like contestants on Dancing with the Stars. Then James’ mom, the woman in the white shirt tries to get involved.

Note James telling his mom to sit down at eleven seconds: ‘Sit your ass down‘

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After a week of Congressional busy-bodying into baseball and football, it was refreshing to find out they replayed the Super Bowl and the Patriots won!

That was until I realized it actually was a gift to the citizens of Nicaragua by a charity.

Nothing is more uplifting to the downtrodden then t-shirts of losing teams. I bet the same people behind this stupid idea are the ones who think there shouldn’t be score keeping in Little League.

And how often is this done anyways? Are there millions of people with almost-championship apparel? If I ran one of these countries, I’d convince the population that the teams really did win. Imagine the fun the tourists will have trying to figure out what the fuck is going on.

Since the third world is allowed to misremember the outcomes of sporting events can we do the same with members of Congress grilling athletes? Or should I say brown-nosing.

The amount of ass-kissing in Roger Clemens’ direction had me wondering if maybe Winstrol wasn’t the cause of Roger’s butt abscesses. The winner of the political grandstand award of the week however goes to Arlen Specter who met with Roger Goodell this week to discuss Spygate.

Of course these are very important issues which demand our leaders’ attention. We can see it causing problems in our lives. I ran into an old friend recently who is a teacher. She told me the children have a new game where they run around the playground trying to stick each other in the buttocks with dirty needles used by homeless people.

The kids call it The Rocket Game. See what I mean?

Thankfully, it turns out there are some things in sports we might actually want to remember this week.

Curly from the Harlem Globetrotters got his number retired at Madison Square Garden and that brings up the obvious question: Would they beat an NBA team?

I don’t know. They could probably beat Memphis but not Boston. Maybe Cleveland. Something like that might be a good idea for the NBA All-Star festivities this weekend.

So how about the Globetrotters versus the NBA’s best players instead? Have that be the All-Star game.

Nevermind. Stupid idea. It would be over at half-time.

Just misremember that last one.

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Being a Patriots fan, I was hoping to avoid talking about football this week. Let’s face it the loss was a bitter pill to swallow. New England didn’t execute on defense when they needed to. The Giants played really well and their defensive line never let up the pressure.

The New York Giants deserve the championship.

Did I mention the Celtics are contenders? Even the Bruins too? The Red Sox return with almost their entire championship roster intact. Well, except Curt Schilling’s shoulder but who knows what the hell is going on there. We have three more leagues to try and win championships in before this year is over. We even have the Revolution, our MLS soccer team as a backup. You won’t get rid of us that easily all you sports fans from other cities.

Oh, and the Patriots have the #7 overall pick in the NFL 2008 Draft. Just saying.

So the NFL is considering changing the postseason format:

“In the early stages of Goodell’s plan, which would require the owners’ longshot approval, the bottom two division winners by record in each conference would go on the road the first week if they have a worse mark than the wild-card teams.”

The argument is it gives teams less room to sit players in the last couple weeks of the season. As a fantasy football enthusiast I like it because I will have one less thing to think about on draft day. Having the #1 pick not play in week sixteen because he’s on the fourth-best team in the NFL sucks.

In reality football it is an odd idea. An NFL team can lose all six of their divisional games and still make the playoffs as it stands. Now they could get a first-round home game to boot? I guess it makes sense from a parity standpoint but it waters down the meaning of winning the division.

I agree with the article. This has little chance of passing.

Until Roger Goodell made playoff formats an issue, the talk all week was about whether Super Bowl XLII was the best-ever. From the viewpoint of the Giant fan, the casual fan, the advertisers, FOX network it surely was. From the Patriot fan’s perspective, not so much.

It was a close game with a lot of drama throughout, something you don’t see every year. Sure there was XXX with Pittsburgh vs. Dallas and a late interception thrown by Neil O’Donnell. There was XXXII with Denver vs. Green Bay and a classic example of why you don’t let the other team score so you have more time for your offense. There was XXXIV with St. Louis vs. Tennessee and the Titans a yard-and-a-half away from tying the game at the end.

For every one of those games, there is a 34-7 stinker like in XXXV with the Ravens and the Giants. Or a 46-10 mauling of the Patriots in XX by the Bears. You never know what you will get.

Super Bowl XLII might not be the best-ever but it belongs as one of them, perhaps as high as top-five.

Top-three if the Patriots won.

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The week of the Super Bowl is always the craziest seven days in sports, radio, and television. 2008 was no different. Every sports channel and show was devoted to the big game preview. FM and satellite went with the bit that never gets old: “The Super Bowl of (insert music genre here)”. Psycho Brit and Amy Crackhouse competed for airtime.

By the time Sunday’s contest goes in the books and those Monster Monday morning ads roll, there will have been the Ad Bowl, the Puppy Bowl, 1,232 showings of My Big Fat Greek Wedding, and another year of crappy halftime musical performances.

Way to go record companies. You say how important you are to the music process yet none of you can get someone a little less recycled in the Super Bowl? Who do we get next, David Bowie? ZZ Top? Huey Lewis?

This week is also the Super Finale of the 2008 Humor-Blogs NFL Postseason Pickfest and after weeks of back-and-forth guesswork, even more guessing, and copious amounts of caffeine and alcohol Rickey at 5-3 (.625) is in first place followed by myself at 6-4 (.600) and Frogster at 5-5 (.500) with one last prediction to go…

Super Bowl of 2008 which is really 2007: New York Giants vs. New England Patriots

This sure was an interesting week listening to everyone trying to justify how the hell the Giants could beat the Patriots in the Super Bowl. Sure, Brady could re-injure the ankle. Maybe but we do not even know if it was really sprained in the first place.

The Giants could execute and make no mistakes. Just ask Jacksonville if flawless execution can beat the Patriots. New England is more-talented in all three facets of the game: offense, defense, and special teams.

It will be high-scoring but start off a little slow I think. The game will be pretty close the entire way but like always the Patriots do what they need to do in the fourth quarter and put away any doubt.

The Patriots win 42-32 and make it official that the 2007 team was the best-ever in NFL history.

Rickey’s Pick: Giants 24 , Patriots 17
Frogster’s Pick: Giants win by between 13 1/2 and 20 1/2 points.

While I know many of you will be placing your bets on the outcome of our Pickapalooza, look for these additional over/under opportunities at your Super Bowl party:

Someone getting too drunk and doing something really stupid: Halftime

People who buy twenty boxes and still lose: three

How long until those same people say “I never win anything”: end of the first quarter

Number of times that person paying no attention to the game and talking incessantly is told to shut up: ten

Personally, I like the boxes bet. There is always that guy that buys four of them and gets 9-9, 8-7, 4-9, 8-8 for numbers. Good times, good times.

What is your favorite over/under bet at a Super Bowl party?

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Humor-blogs.com won’t be watching the Super Bowl and is torn
on pro or con-Huey Lewis. Go there and choose a side.

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I sat in the second row at the Meadowlands, one Sunday night, for a nationally-televised game in professional football hell. Was it the Giants during the Ray Handley era? You might have an argument there. Hell, any video anthology of the Giants just skips right over those years.

“..and when Bill Parcells retired, then came Dan Reeves…”

Was it the Patriots/Eagles game back in the late 90’s in Philadelphia? No, but being in the environment of such hostile fans despite the fact there is no rivalry would be close. Those people booed Santa Claus when he came out to kick field goals at halftime for crying out loud.

Tough crowd.

But no, I am talking about real hell.

“Sure, I’ll go to an XFL game.” I replied to my buddy Nick not knowing what I was getting myself into.

For those who don’t remember this one-hit wonder, the XFL was a professional football league created by Vince McMahon that consisted of eight teams stocked with players not thought to be talented enough to make the NFL or even the CFL. The experiment lasted just one season.

The match-up on the slate this night was the New York/New Jersey Hitmen vs. the Chicago Enforcers. I think they polled fantasy football enthusiasts or nine-year-olds for team names. You had The Thunderbolts, The Rage, and The Xtreme which on a side note always reminded me of the movie Twister.

We arrived there and it was cold as balls. Strike one. That’s okay, we figured, we’ll just keep warm with beer.

Wrong.

The XFL had a policy: no alcohol sales at games. I’m an adult watching sports. No beer is like sex with a hooker without the condom. It just makes zero sense.

So there we were, with our hot chocolate like we were at a Pee Wee football game while the teams are getting in position for the opening kickoff. I’m wondering why they are putting the ball in the middle of the field. Oh my God, it’s a scrum for it. Whoever gets there first gets possession. It’s like the world’s slowest face-off.

Is that a nickname on the back of that guy’s jersey? And who the hell are all these people? I think I remember that Maddox guy from somewhere but everyone else I don’t recognize.

“Is the game over?” I asked after what seemed like twenty punts each side and a score that was like 3-0.
“No, it’s like three minutes into the first quarter.” Nick replied.
“Dude I can’t feel my toes.”

So remember that the next time someone gives you tickets to a Knicks, Dolphins, or a Royals game don’t complain. It could be worse.

Much worse.

__________________________________________________________

Coming Monday: The Interview with Jeff from View from The Cloud.

Humor-blogs.com was not forced to go to XFL games but they have funny blogs. Go there to read some.

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The Gods smiled upon football fans last week. Not only were the games great but Jeep swapped out its commercial spots for the sandbox ads instead. Best of all, no crappy 70’s song none of us have heard since AM radio was popular.

You can guess that I won’t be buying a Liberty anytime soon. But this is about football not marketing.

Once again this week I (at 5-3) am joined by Rickey (3-3) and Frogster (4-4) in the postseason prognostication fun. Things get real interesting with only three matchups left to predict. On a side note, Rickey has an interesting take on this week’s games, especially if you are from the Midwest.

San Diego Chargers vs. New England Patriots

This is an interesting dynamic. The Patriots used to be the monkey on the back of the Colts until a couple years ago. Then the Chargers took over that role and have thwarted Indy since then. Sunday they did it again.

But make no mistake about it. Teams came after the Colts every week because they are the defending champs. If a team wins a Super Bowl every other team that plays them the following season circles that one on their calendar.

I find it hard to see the Chargers pulling out a win unless the Pats make a lot of mistakes. Jacksonville played a hell of a game last week and executed perfectly. But they just are not as talented as a team compared to New England. It doesn’t help that San Diego’s top players are banged-up.

I envision this game a lot like Clubber Lang predicted for his match vs. Rocky in Rocky III: “pain”.

The Patriots win 32-24 and earn a trip to their sixth Super Bowl appearance and an excellent shot at their fourth championship in eight seasons. What’s next after dynasty?

*Frogster’s Pick: New England 49, San Diego 17
*Rickey’s Pick: New England 31 San Diego 14

New York Giants vs. Green Bay Packers

Don’t tell the Giants they aren’t supposed to be here, especially Eli. Can he do it again? Can the team do it again? Like the Cowboys, the Giants are due for a meet-up with the AFC champion this decade and only the frozen tundra stands in the way.

And a certain quarterback looking to possibly end his career in Glendale, Arizona. And a hot rookie running back who learned quickly how even more important it is to hold onto the rock with both arms in the playoffs.

Still, this one could go either way. Both teams’ defenses have holes and both have been hot offensively in the last month or so. It is just that close. But I have to pick one of these two clubs to be this year’s sacrificial lamb to New England in two weeks.

Green Bay wins 35-28 and Favre gets to say hello to Troy Brown, the only other remaining player from the 1997 Super Bowl teams.

*Frogster’s Pick: Green Bay 35, New York 10
*Rickey’s Pick: Giants 21, Packers 10.

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2008 Playoff Predictions:
Divisional Round

The excitement is in the air and besides the airing of that stupid Jeep commercial 12,342 times we should have some great football games. I don’t want to buy a car that attracts wild animals by the way. I don’t care if they can sing. Can they give you a sure bet on the weekend’s games? Well, me neither but at least I don’t have rabies.

This week Rickey from Riding with Rickey jumps into the action with his predictions, joining Frogster from The Frog Blog for his thoughts and picks. Think of us as the welfare version of Jimmy, Howie, and Frank or as Frogster likes to call it, the humor-blogs.com ‘NFL Postseason Pickfest Part Deux’.

So far I am 3-1 after the Wildcard weekend. Frogster is 2-2 and hobbling and Rickey scored a DNP which counts for six loses so he’s 1-7.

There are some tough ones this week as the big dogs come off the porch.

New York Giants vs. Dallas Cowboys

Like with his brother, I will expect Eli Manning to blow a big game until he wins the last one in the post-season. Tom Coughlin doesn’t have a much better track record either. To be fair, New York does have some injury issues that have impacted their play.

Dallas has a glaring problem with T.O. That high ankle sprain has turned him into a weekly game-time decision. He will be in that is for sure after practicing Thursday. The Cowboys can do without him for one game though if they need to with Witten, Glenn, and the one-three punch of Jones and Barber. (I say three because Jones isn’t really a one or a two)

Dallas wins 31-17 and is one win away from their decadal appearance in the Super Bowl.

*Rickey’s Pick: Giants 38-28*

*Frogster’s Pick: Giants 28-20*

You guys picking the Giants? Seriously?

Jacksonville Jaguars vs. New England Patriots

Can the Jags get up for another physical match-up against a team that will hit harder then Pittsburgh? We will find out Saturday night when the Patriots welcome them to the Razor. We all know this New England team by now. They execute, make few mistakes, and gameplan better then no other.

Jacksonville is one of those teams almost ready to dominate and here is their chance. They will need to be able to control the line of scrimmage. That is not a cliché. It is the foundation of Jack Del Rio’s team playstyle. That quarterback draw that helped win the game last week? Thank the offensive line for that. They drew the play up and the guys in the trenches executed. For the Jags, it starts in the neutral zone.

The Pats win 32-24 but the Jags will have served notice they are no longer pretenders.

*Rickey’s Pick: Patriots 27-24*

*Frogster’s Pick: Jacksonville 28-20*

Green Bay Packers vs. Seattle Seahawks

This one looks to be an offensive showdown. Two average defenses, good passing offenses could keep the scoreboard guy or girl busier then usual in a post-season game.

Which Favre will show up, the one who was lights out in the first half of the season or the Brett of 2006 which re-surfaced against the Cowboys back in November? That depends on how much pressure is on him. Of course it is cliché week and every quarterback’s weakness is the defensive rush.

Seattle is playing with house money. They got this far with a banged-up team and little in the way of a running game. But this is the NFL of 2008 and the metagame is all about the pass. The Seahawks do have another advantage being that most of their team played in the Super Bowl two seasons ago so their experience and chemistry has gotten them this far.

Green Bay has a little bit more in the tank for this one and they win 35-32.

*Rickey’s Pick: Seahawks 27-10*

*Frogster’s Pick: Packers 28-20*

Indianapolis Colts vs. San Diego Chargers

A prediction I know will be right: it won’t rain. At least not inside.

The Chargers come off an emotional win but face the defending champions, one of those good news, bad news kind of things. Like the Colts a year ago, San Diego rolled into the playoffs thanks to a hot defense and the return of LT’s dominance that began a month ago.

But give the Colts a week off, all their injured players back except Freeney, and the return of their second-biggest offensive threat in Marvin Harrison and you’ve got a tough opponent. Expect Manning to go to his buddy early and often once they run a few handoffs to Addai.

Colts roll on 38-16 and once again face their nemesis, the Patriots in the AFC Championship.

*Rickey’s Pick: Colts 34-9*

*Frogster’s Pick: Colts 28-20*

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2008 Playoff Predictions:
Wild Card Round

This weekend kicks off football fans’ favorite time of the year: the playoffs. Who will win? Which teams have a better chance to move on and compete in the biggest game in sports? Will Bryant Gumbel finally get fired?

In addition to my picks and analysis, I am joined by Frogster of The Frog Bog Blog who will also be giving his picks for each game. I face some tough competition as he got more NFL matchups right then eight ESPN ‘experts’ did.

Roll the tape please…

Jacksonville Jaguars at Pittsburgh Steelers

The Jags look scary. Maybe not on paper, especially with that middle-of-the-pack defense but looks can be deceiving. Or can they?

One thing that sticks out at me is how little they force fumbles, twenty-third best in the NFL. Sure they make up for it with twenty interceptions, but when you look at Pittsburgh’s turnover ratio this stat comparison is pretty even. Still, this issue might not be a problem if the Steelers have to throw early and often.

Pittsburgh enters the contest without one of the league’s top rushers in Willie Parker. I’m with the talking heads on this; the Steelers will have a tough time winning without him. They will also have a tough time trying to stop a powerful Maurice Jones-Drew and a rejuvenated Fred Taylor.

Jacksonville wins 31-17, and the Steelers heal up in the off-season for another playoff run in 2008.

*Frogster’s Pick: Jacksonville*

NY Giants at Tampa Bay Buccaneers

All week long Eli Manning has been everyone’s binky. Oh look how well he did throwing four touchdowns against the 16-0 Patriots. They also said how good the Giants look now, a gritty team that fights for wins.

Apparently, everyone forgot all about the second half of the fourth quarter. Eli’s meltdown, Tom Coughlin’s poor game management, and the interception sealed the deal for the Patriots. Once again, in a big game this team wilted under pressure.

These are not your father’s Giants.

On Tampa Bay’s side, I think they will mix up the pass and the run as well as a lot of dumps and screens to counter the Giant’s defensive rush. Surely, Gruden watched the tape of the Patriots offensive line get manhandled and will stop that one-sided pressure New York likes to use.

Once again, the Giants go one-and-out losing to the Bucs 29-14. Coughlin gets fired and becomes the coach of the Dolphins.

*Frogster’s Pick: Tampa Bay*

Washington Redskins at Seattle Seahawks

This game really has me wondering because the teams match up so well and we have a weather influence: 42 degrees F, showers, and winds around twenty MPH. No matter who wins the game, this will be low scoring.

Seattle has been going pass-first in the last few weeks and should continue this week verses a banged-up Redskin secondary. You might even see them try and air it out right away to test both their opponent and how strong the wind is. They will have to because Alexander is a shell of his former self and the team doesn’t trust Morris enough yet to be their go-to back.

A lot of people picked Washington because the team has momentum on its side. Hot teams in December generally do go deep into the playoffs, history bears this out. Not this time with Todd Collins under center, even if Chris Cooley and Santana Moss are his targets. If Moss has a big game though, I think the Redskins have a better chance of winning.

Seattle surprises a lot of people and wins 17-14.

*Frogster’s Pick: Washington*

Tennessee Titans at San Diego Chargers

You won’t remember the Titans for this week’s matchup against the Chargers. Forget playing the game, will they have eleven people to start? Thursday the team learned wide receiver Royell Williams, who is tied for team leader in receptions has a broken leg.

Tight end Bo Scaife suffered a lacerated liver in last week’s game. It is up in the air which quarterback will start: Young or Collins. Tennessee is a good team but they are simply undermanned right now because of the injuries.

But then there is Norv Turner on the San Diego sideline, the potential equalizer. He is 1-1 in the playoffs and the offensive rankings of his teams aren’t as good as his reputation says they are. You could say that at least it’s not Marty, but is it really better?

This week it will be. Chargers win 35-10 and make Turner look good…for now.

*Frogster’s Pick: San Diego*

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As you sports nuts know next week is the start of the NFL playoffs and since I have been dying to do some sports writing I’m going to start up a new weekly column on Saturday, January 5, 2008 with my second annual postseason predictions and analysis.

Last season I did this on Associated Content (wk one, wk two, championship week, Super Bowl) and ended up with a 7-4 record. Yes, I know, I predicted the Chiefs to beat the Colts, and later the Bears to beat the Colts but I also predicted that a key turnover late in the Dal/Sea game would give the Seahawks the win. Still, 7-4 is pretty damn good I think.

For those of you newish to my writing, I am pretty good with my sports. Check out this insightful article on the 2007 NFL Draft. It even made the front page of the site.

For you fantasy football nuts, I wrote about my attempt to play to lose on purpose in 2006. I also wrote a fun piece on the Five Oddest Players in Baseball.

On a side note, the nickname ‘Tuna’ was given to me by co-workers a few years ago due to the fact I used to eat tuna sandwiches for breakfast daily. With chocolate milk no less. An odd combo I know.

So tune in every Saturday for ‘Tuna on Sports’ beginning next week. Analysis and insight as good as the pros just without all the talking points and focus groups.

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They were not joking when they said the Mitchell Report on steroids in baseball had a veritable All-Star team. Here they are in all their glory. Of course you need back-ups in case any of these guys rips an artery during one of their multiple daily workouts.

Bench:

C: Paul Lo Duca

IF: Rafael Palmeiro
Jason Giambi

OF: Jose Canseco
Gary Matthews Jr.

P: Scott Schoeneweis

humor-blogs.com takes steroids for the side-effects and to be funnier.

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