religious humor

Jesus is late by quite a few years. Sixteen and counting. He must be really busy. Maybe he had to pick up his dry cleaning or something on the way to the Rapture.

Jesus: “Hey Peter, up for some Madden?”
St. Peter: “Only if I get to be the Cowboys.”
Jesus: “Sure. I’ll be Detroit.”
St. Peter: “Do you ever NOT play the underdog?”

I wonder if the resurrection, the whole thing that got the stone rolling was real. What if it was a joke by one of the apostles?

Maybe in the middle of the night Peter and his friends moved the rock and waited for the mourners to arrive. When they did and saw what happened, they assumed resurrection. Before Peter could tell them they were Punk’d, it was too late, someone had already run back to town.

Paul: “Peter what do we do now? We can’t tell everyone it was a joke. They will shun us.”
John: “Hey I’m only recording this second-hand. Don’t blame me.”
Peter: “Well I guess we could start a religion?”

On a side note, this is also how Scientology was created, only with men from Mars eating Cadillacs and Subarus and no Aston Kutcher.

So was Jesus simply mortal-curious or is he coming back?

Peter: “Jesus isn’t today the day you return to Earth and bring eternal salvation?”
Jesus: “Not now Peter. Dancing with the Stars is on.”
Peter: “What about the world?”
Jesus: “Hey you are the one who started all this with the resurrection joke.”

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The God Answers column, usually seen here on Wednesdays will be along either later tonight or tomorrow. I can not confirm the rumor that God is hungover from the big 2008 election political humor carnival yesterday but I can tell you who won the contest.

Last week’s God Answers column had a prize for the best questions: a copy of the very funny religious humor book How to Profit from the Coming Rapture.

Originally there were to be three winners but I changed my mind and everyone who left a question in last’s weeks column comments won. Pretty nice huh? That’s just how I roll.

But not Obamaroll. Man four years of this crap. Ugh.

Anyways, the winners of the contest are: Kathcom, JumpOut, Alex L, VE, and Skip DeKades.

Congratulations everyone and stay tuned for another giveaway contest coming soon! I can’t give details but I can say it is another funny book, is it me or is everything shit?

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Welcome to the God Answers advice column where the Big Man himself dispenses valuable wisdom to those who seek it. This week we have a special addition to the column: a contest for you the readers! Yes that is right, you could win a copy of ‘How to Profit from the Coming Rapture‘. Details at the end of the post.

JumpOut asks: “If I pray really hard will it increase the traffic to my blog?”

I’d like to suggest that you watch the video of Ringo Starr, genius behind the beatles here on this blog; his disposition mirrors my own.

Seriously, what the hell makes you so special? Get in line with the billions before you and take a fucking number. Apparently there’s a popular belief that I have nothing else better to do with my time than to answer all the prayers of the world; it’s all noise and I’ve become very good at tuning it out. So please, pray to someone or something else; the response time will be much better and you’ll be more pleased with the results.

Mark asks: “How does one protect against the unintended effects of a “flaming blow job”?

I’m not quite sure if you’re referring to pregnancy or catching yourself on fire; having the garden hose on hand will suffice for the latter. Please drink responsibly.

Rickey asks: “God is a real sunuvabitch, isn’t he?”

I like to think I’ve mellowed out throughout the ages; haven’t you ever read the Old Testament?

muskrat asks: “Why do my balls smell?”

The odor from your genitals was carefully designed to identify and attract other members of your species and is caused by several forms of naturally growing bacteria. This bacteria on your skin multiples exponentially in the presence of sweat. Understanding that humans have learned to abhor their own natural scents in a vein attempt to deny inherent beastliness, I would suggest bathing or deodorizing if it becomes bothersome to yourself or others. Best of luck!

GOD

And now it is contest time…

Leave your question for God in the comments below and the best three chosen by me will win a free copy of ‘How to Profit from the Coming Rapture‘! The winners will be announced in next week’s column.

There are a few rules of course:

~One question per person.
~You must use a valid email address or I won’t be able to contact you.
~Entry deadline is Sunday, November 2, 11:59pm EST.

Good luck everyone!

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Getting Ahead When You’re Left Behind

The Rapture is coming and more importantly then will you survive is: are there any good investment opportunities?

‘How to Profit from the Coming Rapture‘ by Steve and Evie Levy, as told to Ellis Weiner and Barbara Davilman is the complete tongue-in-cheek humor guide to all the financial options available when the End Days arrive and billions are left behind.

Like the lucky ones floating off into the sky it is best to have a plan.

The guide gives some great examples of how to fiscally thrive in seven years of Hell on Earth (It’s a dry heat so it could be worse), from selling people photos of their loved ones being Raptured away to robe cleaning services for the 144,000 evangelists trying to convert everyone to Judism.

‘How to Profit from the Coming Rapture‘ helps you identify where and when to buy and sell certain investment vehicles like All-Unity Non-Taxable Investment Coupons (”Auntie-C’s“) and False Prophet Indeterminate Coupons (”F-Picks“). It deftly points out intriguing niche market opportunities in Israel.

The book also does an excellent job of defining the different stages of the End Times. Not sure if George Bush or Barack Obama is the Antichrist? Does a Israel/Palestine treaty signify the opening of one of the seven seals? At what stage should I trade my stockpile of canned tuna for a 2002 Nissan Maxima SE?

From the moment the First Seal is opened until God himself becomes our roommate, ‘Rapture‘ offers two-hundred-plus pages of ways you can make money while everyone else is trying to avoid death, famine, moving islands, meteors with amazing accuracy, and horsemen riding around killing people. Crazy ones with lions for heads.

I mean the horses not the people.

‘How to Profit from the Coming Rapture‘ was a fun read and my only complaint is that I didn’t think of the concept first.

Would you like to win a copy of ‘Rapture‘? Then get your best questions ready for tomorrow’s God Answers advice column and you could be a winner!

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[Read how the humor column God Answers began.]

Need help with something? Getting crappy advice from everyone else? God is now here to help with his on-going humor advice column God Answers. Ask him your question in the comments section and he just may answer it…

Jim asks: “God what should I do about my 401k plan now that it is in shambles?”

My initial response is that you’re ‘SOL’, but this advice isn’t very helpful (even if it is true.)

The good news is that it looks as though they are going to be raising the retirement age to 78 which means that you’ll be able to work until you drop dead. Sure, you’ll be facing a losing battle against ageism, but the opportunities as a Walmart door greeter should always be available to you even if the compensation isn’t enough to cover your basic living expenses.

At that stage, you’re only options are to build a cozy hooch under the bridge or admit yourself to one of our friendly, state-funded death camps we like to call ‘nursing homes.’ You should get at least a couple meals a day, plenty of mind-numbing medications and bingo nights on Sunday evenings if you merit them. (You may get smacked around on occasion when no one is looking, but so what? You’ll be tripping on thorozene, shitting your pants and drooling in a dribble cup — you won’t know, or much care, what hit you.)

All in all, that still beats prison, which is another viable option; but grand larceny at that age might not be very practical; you wouldn’t want to put your back out or ruin your hip replacement running from the police — unless you plan on going out with a bang.

In any case, you wont get any sympathy from anyone and you certainly won’t get any from me. If you can’t take care of yourself anymore, then it’s time to go. At least the animals have the god-damned good sense to crawl into a hole somewhere and die.

Don’t let any of this scare you. You could be dead tomorrow — at which point your rotting ‘nest egg’ won’t be an issue.

Marty asks: Dear God, I’m holding a gun to my head as I’m typing this. Give me one good reason I shouldn’t pull the trigger. If you don’t receive this message within the next 15 minutes, disregard post.

SHOOT! I missed your post by a solid 20 minutes.

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[Read how the newest humor column God Answers began.]

Questions I WILL NOT be answering

Let’s get a few things out of the way. The following are three of the most common (and annoying) questions that I receive on a consistent basis. For some reason, you guys love asking stupid questions that you already have the answers to. Please DO NOT ask these questions anymore. Do not try to re-word, re-phrase, re-imagine or re-present them in any way shape or form. They will be ignored.

IDIOT QUESTION #1: What is the meaning of life? What is my purpose? Why am I here? What’s the reason for all of this?

Easily one of the most absurd questions ever conceived. It’s funny, too, that the most moronic question is also the one I seem to get the most. I thought everything would seem pretty damned obvious by now, but apparently you all need to be led by the hand. Let me explain this so even the laymans can grasp it. Your existence, your ‘meaning’ (whatever the hell you want to call it) is quite simple; you are here to EAT, SHIT and FUCK. For some reason, you all have this delusion that you were created for some nobler purpose; that I have some ‘grand scheme’ in the works for all of you. Sorry to shatter your hopes; I DON’T. (never have)

There’s nothing more for you to do and there are no improvements that you need to make; you are all doing just fine. Keep eating, shitting and fucking and you’ll ‘make it to heaven’, ‘attain enlightenment’, achieve ‘moksha’ or whatever the hell you think your ultimate goal is. Here are the REAL commandments:

1. eat.
2. shit.
3. fuck.
4. resort to heavy drinking and/or drug abuse as needed.

The 4th commandment is optional, although strongly advocated.

IDIOT QUESTION #2: Is there a heaven? Where do I go when I die?

This is a gem and tied for first place for most imbecilic question. I really hate this one because, quite simply, I have NOTHING to do with it. There are no ’streets paved with gold’, no ’singing angles’, no ‘pearly gates.’ You guys dreamt this nonsense up, you perpetuate it and you insist on dragging me into it every chance you get.

‘Where do I go when I die?’ is another one of those foolish questions that people just LOVE to ask me. Luckily, it’s one I still enjoy answering from time to time:

When you die, your lifeless corpse rots and you become food for worms, maggots and other wildlife. Your body breaks into its constituent parts and you actually become useful to the planet.

IDIOT QUESTION #3: Will there ever be peace on Earth?

Yes. There will be peace on this planet once I rid the world of the human species. (It’s coming sooner than you think.)

Next question?

Ask God in the comments and he will answer your questions in a future ‘God Answers’ post.

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I guess I’ve written so much scathing humor about religion that the big man himself wanted to speak to me. It’s hard to think otherwise when I pull up in front of my house yesterday to an entourage of white Lincoln Navigators and a bunch of angels in suits standing around.

“Come inside, the big man wants to speak with you.” The lead angel demanded as I got out of my car.

“Look I swear that girl had an ID that said she was eighteen!”

The angels glared at me as we walked up the driveway.

“I’m kidding. I’m a humor writer remember?”

They motioned for me to go inside. There He was sitting on my couch.

“Hello Christopher.” God said. “Sit down.”

“What did I do now? The only time anyone ever calls me by my full first name is when I am in trouble.”

“Relax. I’m not here to punish you.” God smiled and pulled out a cigarette from nowhere. “Mind if I smoke?”

“You smoke??!!”

“I’m God I don’t get cancer.”

“Good point. So if you aren’t here to punish me, are you here to reward me?”

“I’m here because of this humor post you wrote about telling people to stop bothering me so much.”

“Actually I wrote that because those people bothered me so much. Everything is God this God that. No offense but sometimes worship just goes too far.”

“Tell me about it! At least you can’t hear everyone. Early on it drove me so crazy I misplaced my anger on your ancestors. It took the whole Old Testament to learn to ignore most of it and even then I’m still pretty much annoyed all the time. Job’s still pissed by the way but he’s slowly getting over it.”

“Wow! So you agree with me?”

“I didn’t read the post actually.  I was just looking for a way to do my classic bit on the Old Testament and you set me up very well.  That one always kills at the Masonic Lodge Comedy Night in Heaven by the way.”

“So you have come here to recruit me as your set up guy for your stand up comedy tour?”

“No Chris I want to blog.”

“Blog? Seriously?” I scratched my head in disbelief. “What would you blog about?”

“Advice. Everyone needs it and who better to dispense it then me?” God sat back, raised his arms, and folded his hands behind his head. “I’m calling it ‘God Answers’. I’ve even got a logo.”

“So what’s your blog URL? I’ll write up a post about it.”

“You misunderstand me. I’m going to answer questions from your readers here on your blog.”

“Do I have a choice in this?”

“Of course you do. Why you would choose to not do this is beyond even my thinking. I’m God, think of the marketing angle.”

“Well now that you put it that way…”

Do you have a question for God? Ask Him in the comments and he will answer your questions in a future ‘God Answers’ post.

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Sorry if I spoiled it for you but Jesus is going to die on March 21, 2008 and then come back to life two days later. I don’t know about you but I’m getting tired of this act.

Boring.

Every year Jesus pulls the same lame-ass trick. Doesn’t he have anything new to show us? He has twelve months to work on new material but every Easter he goes back to the same-old same-old miracle trough.

Look at what this guy does! Separates a woman in half!

Tell me people wouldn’t listen to Jesus if he did stuff like this.

Jesus: That is what happens to non-believers!
Witness: Ahhhh!!! I’ll do whatever you say, just don’t rip me in half!

So Mister Son of God, I think it is time for some new magic tricks. Turning water into wine was a neat parlor amusement but its passé now. You could bless Ashley Alexandra Dupre but the last time you did that it turned into the Davinci Code.

Moses even outdoes you this time of year with his parting of the Red Sea. That act never gets old by the way Jesus because it is a classic. Any immortal being can raise themselves from the dead and move a boulder. Moses separates a body of water then closes it in on an incoming enemy army. That is pretty kick ass no matter how many times it’s repeated.

I can rent a machine that can move large rocks around. Am I a God? No, but neither was Moses and look what he did. C’mon Jesus you are going to have to do better then a resurrection trick to really amaze the crap out of people in 2008.

Of course all this criticism would be pointless without advice or a solution and I have the perfect one. I am not sure if it would be up your alley Jesus because it is true evil. Not as much as punting a puppy but still evil.

Everyone has cell phones that play videos these days. On Sunday morning you hack into everyone’s phones and set the call volume to the max setting as well as disable the ability to hang up or turn them off.

Then you call everyone and send them this video:

Easter would never be the same again if you Rickrolled everyone Jesus. Maybe for an encore you could bring back the Pope too.

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Humor-Blogs celebrates Easter by marking lamb’s blood on
their blogs because that is how they roll. But not Rickroll.

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The other night I got a phone call. I thought it was a telemarketer.

“Hello Chris?”
“Yes. Who is this?”
“It is God. How are you doing today?”
“Ok that is funny. I have to admit nobody ever used that one before…”
“No really it is me. Look outside. You now have a Porsche.”
“Wow that’s awesome! I guess you do exist.”
“Yup.”
“Hey the Porsche is gone, and my old car is back.”
“Sorry I couldn’t let you keep it. Those are the rules.”
“Aw man.”
“Be glad you aren’t Job.”
“So God, why are you calling me?”
“I was hoping you would be interested in donating money towards creating a family-oriented recreational center at the site where Eden used to be.”
“You want to make Eden into a theme park?”

“Well let’s not call it that. I prefer the term experience.”
”You can’t do that you are God! Exploiting people is for humans to do.”
“Where do you think you got that from, your mother’s side?”
“Hmm.”
“Look ten minutes ago you didn’t think I was real. Now you are trying to tell me how I should run things?”
“Ok ok.”
“Besides, it is not like I just started doing this. The Bible, for example is a collection of stories that already existed in earlier cultures.”
“Wait a minute, are you saying that you recycled old stories, repackaged them and mass marketed the whole thing?”
“Guilty.”
“Wow.”
“So, about that donation…”
“Do you take Visa?”

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Throughout the weekend, people speculated on who Idetrorce’s identity was and the results were all over the place. The latest Zogby poll came up with these stunning conclusions:

But anyone can fudge numbers or twist them to their benefit so how telling is this poll, really when it comes to figuring out just who Idetrorce is. Twenty-five percent of the country thinks WWE is real. Hell, people think Hitler is still alive. No idea how that one would work out being that Adolph would be like one-hundred-and-twelve years old.

What if Hitler was alive and using the comment spamming of Idetrorce to take control of the planet? You say come on, how can a one-hundred-and-twelve-year-old-man possibly create a spam bot but my reply is never underestimate people. Rocky Balboa boxed again and he was like fifty. Barry Bonds was able to hit seventy-two home runs at age forty-eight. You never know.

If it is not Hitler or Rocky, then who really is Idetrorce? They could be the person behind you in line at WalMart. They could be the creepy newspaper delivery guy. They could be living right next door to you, mere yards away from your family. Idetrorce could already be in your home.

How safe are you from Idetrorce? Do you really want to know?

Which side are you on, Huey Lewis or Anti-Huey? Get informed and vote at: ‘Dueling Blogs Lead to Huey-pocalypse’.

Make sure you check out Thursday’s Radioactive Liberty Guest Post: ‘Does Santa Claus Hate the Jews?‘. It’s sure to become a holiday classic.

humor-blogs.com thinks Idetrorce is a cute puppy. Go there now to read funny things not about cute puppies

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