I got this pamphlet last night from one of my customers and apparently I appear to be a sinner. But at least I’m a grammatically-correct sinner…

Can that statement be anymore awkward and clumsy in its syntax? “All suffering soon to end“. Really? Come on.

How about “All suffering will end soon“?

And let me be the first person to say that the suffering will not end if that moose in the picture plods across the road in front of the Corvette you are driving, the one you have earned in the New World Order.

But this is what we can expect of course from the Jehovah’s Witnesses, a group that has failed to predict the end of the world repeatedly for the last frigging three decades.

The suffering might “soon to end” but the syntax errors won’t apparently.

And I’m considered the sinner. Weird. They can’t even get the language right.

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Angry Seafood will not be able to save you from the end of the world but if you join the Fan Page you will get these posts of blasphemy on your Facebook Wall.

Sorry if I spoiled it for you but Jesus is going to die on March 21, 2008 and then come back to life two days later. I don’t know about you but I’m getting tired of this act.

Boring.

Every year Jesus pulls the same lame-ass trick. Doesn’t he have anything new to show us? He has twelve months to work on new material but every Easter he goes back to the same-old same-old miracle trough.

Look at what this guy does! Separates a woman in half!

Tell me people wouldn’t listen to Jesus if he did stuff like this.

Jesus: That is what happens to non-believers!
Witness: Ahhhh!!! I’ll do whatever you say, just don’t rip me in half!

So Mister Son of God, I think it is time for some new magic tricks. Turning water into wine was a neat parlor amusement but its passé now. You could bless Ashley Alexandra Dupre but the last time you did that it turned into the Davinci Code.

Moses even outdoes you this time of year with his parting of the Red Sea. That act never gets old by the way Jesus because it is a classic. Any immortal being can raise themselves from the dead and move a boulder. Moses separates a body of water then closes it in on an incoming enemy army. That is pretty kick ass no matter how many times it’s repeated.

I can rent a machine that can move large rocks around. Am I a God? No, but neither was Moses and look what he did. C’mon Jesus you are going to have to do better then a resurrection trick to really amaze the crap out of people in 2008.

Of course all this criticism would be pointless without advice or a solution and I have the perfect one. I am not sure if it would be up your alley Jesus because it is true evil. Not as much as punting a puppy but still evil.

Everyone has cell phones that play videos these days. On Sunday morning you hack into everyone’s phones and set the call volume to the max setting as well as disable the ability to hang up or turn them off.

Then you call everyone and send them this video:

Easter would never be the same again if you Rickrolled everyone Jesus. Maybe for an encore you could bring back the Pope too.

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The other night I got a phone call. I thought it was a telemarketer.

“Hello Chris?”
“Yes. Who is this?”
“It is God. How are you doing today?”
“Ok that is funny. I have to admit nobody ever used that one before…”
“No really it is me. Look outside. You now have a Porsche.”
“Wow that’s awesome! I guess you do exist.”
“Yup.”
“Hey the Porsche is gone, and my old car is back.”
“Sorry I couldn’t let you keep it. Those are the rules.”
“Aw man.”
“Be glad you aren’t Job.”
“So God, why are you calling me?”
“I was hoping you would be interested in donating money towards creating a family-oriented recreational center at the site where Eden used to be.”
“You want to make Eden into a theme park?”

“Well let’s not call it that. I prefer the term experience.”
”You can’t do that you are God! Exploiting people is for humans to do.”
“Where do you think you got that from, your mother’s side?”
“Hmm.”
“Look ten minutes ago you didn’t think I was real. Now you are trying to tell me how I should run things?”
“Ok ok.”
“Besides, it is not like I just started doing this. The Bible, for example is a collection of stories that already existed in earlier cultures.”
“Wait a minute, are you saying that you recycled old stories, repackaged them and mass marketed the whole thing?”
“Guilty.”
“Wow.”
“So, about that donation…”
“Do you take Visa?”
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There have been numerous predictions of the end of the world, yet none have come true. I thought I would throw my hat into the ring and make my call:

June 2, 2009

Hopefully I will be working so I won’t waste a day off having to do those last-minute pre-end-of-world chores.
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Things go well for me usually in life and I have recently concluded that it because God likes me. I don’t bother him with prayer or demands. He does what he wants to do. I do what I want to do. If he exists, then I probably have one of the best relationships you could have with a potentially fictitious deity. It is the laissez-faire approach to God/human relations.

Because of this I get rewarded. Nothing spectacular, mind you, just a problem-free life. Of course my existence is not without its hurdles. Overall I can’t complain and that is because God loves me thanks to my ignoring him. He also comes in for dinner where I work and leaves a very generous tip. We talk politics, this blog, the Red Sox, stuff like that. Let me tell you something, God loves baseball. I keep telling him it is a dinosaur but he comes right back with the “those animals weren’t my idea” line. Of course I am quick with my usual retort “but steroids were!” We laugh and laugh.

On a side note, God is a Padres fan. Go figure.

So why do things go wrong in your life? It is because God hates you. Ok, perhaps hate is a strong word. It is more like he is indifferent. He has a complete lack of feeling towards you. How can he like you when all you do is talk about him non-stop? Can you blame him?

Got laid off from your job? Break your toe on the coffee table leg? God finally got fed up with your lack of subject material and constant rambling on and on about how awesome he is.

Holy shit join a bowling league or something, just get the hell out of the house once in awhile. You want to know why your bible-thumping friends are just like you are? Because nobody else wants to listen to repetitive chatter about God, religion, Jesus, how puppies will be even cuter in heaven, the seventy-two virgins and all that other bullshit.

Your social circle is the only group of people that will tolerate this conversation.

Look, I am not saying to quit religion. Have at it if you like. Just give the rest of the world a break and talk about something else for a change.
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It is late one evening in Heaven when God notices the light on in Jesus’ room and figures it is a good time to have a talk.

“Son, when are you going to help with the animal management? The solar variances lately have boosted the growth…”
“Get to the point Dad.”
“It’s time Jesus, to stop trying to make the perfect human.”
“I know it can be done, and I think I’ve finally found a way.”
“How many times must we go down this road?”
“This time it will work, I’m telling you.”
“Like the twenty-five other times?”
“Fine. This is it, my final attempt at making humans. If this fails, I’ll go back to animals.”
“Good. You know they are a much safer bet. They don’t think. So what’s this new one called?”
“Plan Z.”
“That’s not a very exciting name. What about Fred?”
“Umm Dad?”
“Okay, okay, it’s your creation. So why do these humans all look alike?”
“So they don’t fight over their physical appearance.”
“And they are all the same gender?”
“You like that one eh? That should stifle the gay marriage debate.”
“What other fixes do you have in store my Son?”
“The humans don’t have limbs so they can’t fight.”
“Couldn’t they still head butt each other?”
“Hmmm. I better soften their skulls so if they do try it, they will die in the process.”
“Now you are thinking. What about the abortion problem?”
“That was a stickler, but I think I’ve figured out the solution. Any child conceived will just magically materialize immediately after having sex.”
“Right on the bed?”
“Well, no in the next room of course. Cmon, give me a little credit here.”
“Now what about religion?”

Jesus thinks for a long time, pacing the floor in front of God and Fred, hands rubbing a worried brow. After much consternation, Jesus asks God: “So which animal did you say needed the most help?”

Unlike joining the Catholic or Jewish religions, becoming involved in the Jehovah’s Witness faith demands much more from its members. Anyone looking to join this cult, whoops I meant established religion must be mentally and physically prepared for what lies ahead.

The first thing is that you need to be from a small family or one that isn’t close. You see, the cult, damnit, religion stresses radical inclusiveness. When you begin to shut the non-Witnesses out of your life this will be an easy step to make. I encourage orphans to apply immediately.

The next step is to be annoying. The cult, grrr, sorry I can’t help it, religion requires this. If you like to wake people up early in the morning to answer questions burning on everyone’s mind at that hour like why birthdays are so bad and how come Christmas is evil then this religion is for you.

Another key trait is to be obsessive-compulsive. If you are the type that will eat, breath, and sleep a concept, drug, addiction, whatever, you are on your way to success as a Jehovah’s Witness. Imagine spending every day trolling the neighborhoods for new minions to add to the Watchtower Collective. You could even role-play it that way! On second thought, scratch that. You do want to be let into people’s homes after all. The last thing you need is another blip on the crazy radar.

That is all there is to it. It does not take much to be a Witness because they pretty much accept anyone. There is no competition or any kind of difficult test, so rest assured once you drink the kool-aid you are in. Too many organizations these days have all these rules and standards. It is refreshing there is a place in these picky times we live in for criminals, wife beaters, kid touchers, and other ‘alternate’ lifestyles that usually involve jail time and counseling in an overly-strict society.

Well, except gay people. This is religion we are talking about, not progress.

Once you have been given your head-dunking membership rite in some polluted pond, you have become a full-fledged member of the Jehovah’s Witnesses for life or until you are shunned, but why dwell on the negative during this time of celebration, right?

So what kinds of benefits will you receive?

The first is very important. You are now allowed into heaven. You have a golden ticket, where the snozzberries taste like snozzberries. No other religion has this exclusivity either. Oh sure they tell you that you will get in but The Witnesses promise it. I saw the ticket. It was quite nice with a cool symbol of God and Jesus. The seats were really good too.

Another benefit will be home schooling. Now that you are a Witness, you want to have as little contact as possible with the outside world as it is evil and will corrupt your soul. Plus, you will want to control what your children learn. Thinking and questioning are bad. Putting a stop to critical thinking is equally vital because it goes against what you believe. You do not want to be shunned, so home schooling is your best option.

A great bonus is that it is no longer necessary to have children play sports because there are no home school sports leagues, thus less pressure on you to allow your children any unnecessary contact with the evil society around you. Sports are bad because it teaches people how to work as a group, that most times you win or lose because of your actions and that life and getting ahead is based on competition. All that gets in the way of recruitment, the lifeblood of your cult.

So enjoy your fascinating and hypnotizing journey on your way to becoming a Jehovah’s Witnesses. It is a magical time and hopefully you are more prepared for a special time in your life when you get duped into joining a cult, I mean established religion.

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