Im sure i dont know

Here is the thrilling conclusion to the interview with The Nemesing One from the humor blog I’m Sure I Don’t Know.

[Part One if you missed it]

Since Lindsay Lohan has gone lesbian, is there anything left she could do to attract attention?

I’m waiting for her to announce that when she said lesbian she meant she had a thing for female dogs. I could see her being this major crusader for inter-species erotica and such. As part of that she would stop shaving her legs and pit hair to become closer to her new “mate”. Of course she would have all these huge Great Danes and such, all female. When that starts to die down she will begin to speak in canine and only talk in whimpers, growls and barks. Then when she’s hanging out with Paris and Britney and their all panty-less they would give a whole new meaning to term “Beaver” - it’ll be 70’s porn meets Animal Kingdom.

You have been hired to write the next romantic comedy starring Matthew McConaughey. What will the plot be?

Him and his gay lover (Jason Alexander) are about to get kicked out of their apartment after their ultra-conservative right-wing nut-job of a landlord (Rip Torn) finds out they’re into man-on-man action. They convince him that he has misunderstood some things they have said or done and that they are really straight, not gay. So now they have to pretend they are straight in order to keep the apartment. They have to have a constant string of women friends come over to keep up the façade.

But it’s taking its toll on the two star-crossed lovers and Matthew (the more butch of the two) even starts to wonder - “GASP” if he’s really gay. This all comes to a head when Matthew says he’s moving out and maybe going to look up that girl he thought was kind of cute in college.

While Matthew is at the open door, bag in hand and back slightly turned to the camera, and ready to leave, Jason Alexander begins this very passionate monologue about being true to yourself and forgetting what the rest of the world says,

“For all these years you’ve looked past all my flaws. You’ve looked passed my balding head, my portly stature, my monthly bouts with pseudo PMS and now you’re telling me you can no longer look past the fact that I have a penis. I can’t believe we live in a world where that matters. It doesn’t matter to me. I love you and I love all your flaws and I your penis.”

Matthew turns around, the music begins to swell and he says, “I love your penis too.” With tears streaming down their faces they fall into each others arms which leads to a deep passionate French kiss and then BOOM, Rip Torn walks by the open door and sees them. He immediately kicks them out but it’s pretty obvious he’s a homophobe and he is just trying to mask his own gay tendencies.

The gay community rallies around the two and thousands end up protesting out in front of the apartment building. Rip Torn looks out his window at the protest, turns and looks at a picture of his father sitting on his desk and says, “Sorry dad, I can’t keep denying who I really am”. Now realizing that he is gay, he goes out and gives the two guys a great big hug and wet sloppy kisses all around.

Here there is a cameo by Harrison Ford as a very flamboyant gay man who catches Rip Torn’s eye, they smile, Rip blushes and we just know they’re going to hook up girlfriend. The protest rally turns into a spontaneous gay pride parade that marches off into the sunset.

Guaranteed box office flop but will get tons of awards at Sundance, Cannes and the Oscars.

Thanks for taking the time to do this Nemesing One. Any final thoughts?

Thanks for inviting me, it’s been fun. Do I have any final thoughts?

I’m sure I don’t know.

Nemesing One’s question for the readers:

I just plucked a ¾ inch long gray eyelash from my eyelid, is it gross to go around showing it to my co-workers?

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[Humor-blogs.com has funny blogs, many I have interviewed.]

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Welcome to another edition of Bloggers Speak where Angry Seafood sits down with other online humorists and ask them funny questions every Friday. This week I am joined by The Nemesing One from the humor blog I’m Sure I Don’t Know and he was kind enough to give a two-part interview. The second half will be published Monday.

How’s it hanging Nemesing One?

Well ya know, I haven’t seen my “jimmy” in so long due to my enormous belly that I can’t really say. It’s squished, that much I know.

Should we re-structure holidays so the minor ones like Thanksgiving do not get in the way of the important ones like Christmas?

Ah, well that is one solution, but I’ve always looked at Christmas as a reward for all the gratitude you showed at Thanksgiving. I’m perfectly content with Thanksgiving being a springboard for Christmas, but now it looks like everyone, especially Walmart is trying to make Halloween the springboard. It drives me absolutely crazy.

I know we’ve only been paying lip-service to Thanksgiving, but now even that is gone. My real fear is that if we don’t knock it off, all of those pilgrims are going to re-animate, claw their way out of their graves and make us all pay for forsaking them.

Van Halen-Sammy or Dave?

Absolutely Dave - I have never been a big fan of Sammy - I mean he has his place in Rock & Roll history, don’t get me wrong, but how could anyone replace David Lee Roth? Much like Robert Plant to Led Zeppelin, David’s voice was more of an instrument unto itself. His whoops and wails and shouts were unwritten lyrics that made the whole song.

Who was funnier, Hitler or Che?

Hitler enjoyed a lot of success whereas Che was just an angry douche-bag who failed at about everything he set out to do. Hitler also had a lot of hot, blond, Bavarian chicks in shiny black leather uniforms hanging around. Not to mention German Lager vs. Coronas, I’m going to have to go with Hitler as being the more fun of the two of them.

Although, Hitler isn’t pushing the merchandise like he use to. His novel Mein Kampf was the #1 selling book in Germany (and the ever-increasing surrounding areas) from 1935 till 1945. And Swastikas were very chic. Not so much today though. There seems to be a lot of stigma surrounding the wearing of Nazi symbols and such.

Che on the other hand, although a rampant communist hell-bent on destroying capitalism has become a huge brand name and has enjoyed a lot of financial success.

Hitler = much funnier but has a major PR problem.
Che = total downer, but is very popular with the kids.

What would be the funniest way to leave your wife or dump a girlfriend?

I’ve heard that texting your breakup is the new rage, but I couldn’t do that. I would like to it’s just I don’t own a cell phone.

There is no really gentle way to go about it so I think going for the jugular is the only way: I would send her a bouquet of nearly dead flowers with a note saying, “My love for you is dead, like these flowers, oh and I’ve found someone prettier and thinner and younger than you, but hey we sure did have a good run didn’t we? Oh and BTW, I f*cked your little sister, thought you ought to know.”

Of course, I don’t see this happening in the Nemesing home.

Will this be the hottest toy this Christmas season?

Wow! That was really, really bad, but it’s not too far off base is it. I mean I’m at Walmart with my 7-year old son just last weekend and we’re looking at action figures and he’s deciding which ones he wants for Christmas and then we see the Jesus and Mary action figures and he says, “Dad. I don’t think Jesus would appreciate that very much.” Even a 7 year old knows these things are wrong.

To be continued…(trust me you will NOT want to miss the second half of the interview)

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[Humor-blogs.com has funny blogs, many I have interviewed.]

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