election humor

Happy election eve 2008 America. I come to you one last time to ask for your write-in vote for myself, John Nobody for President of the United States.

I speak to you tonight on the precipice of a truly historic vote, one that will be so for another three years until the 2012 election becomes the most-important one EVAR as the young lads like to say in their phone text messages.

See, I connect with today’s youth but that is not why I ask for your write-in vote.

I, John Nobody have the solutions to today’s vexing problems. Longing for cheaper gas? I’ll give everyone free gas and not the kind that comes from Agita like the rest of my opponents. If I am elected everyone will have the right to have their own oil supply and the government will supply pick axes and shovels for all Americans.

Still, many of my fellow Americans are still undecided about who they should vote for. As the best man for the job of our next president I feel I should point out why everyone else is a bad choice in tomorrow’s election.

We know about Barack Obama. He gets elected and life will be like a scene from the Matrix.

Those things track your income by the way.

And of course there’s Grandpa. What if halfway through his term John McCain gets the urge to take up the pursuit of lifelong goals?

Obviously you should vote for me instead of either of those two clowns. In case you still have doubts that I am the best candidate for President, I give you another opponent: Don Lewis who I easily bested in our political-ly humor-ous debate a couple of weeks ago.

He has unfairly targeted me in a smear campaign because he is hiding the real scandal.

Clown suit, rabbit suit, whatever. Another bad choice for President.

Mickey Mouse always gets a lot of votes but folks, he pals around with terrorists.

Next thing you know there will be Disney shows on Al Jazeera. We simply cannot elect cartoon characters that have absolutely no love for our country. Elect John Nobody and you can be sure I will be stronger on foreign policy that that guy.

[John points to picture above]

Robocop and a unicorn have teamed up for a run at the White House.

Sure, Robocop may be tough on crime but what does he know about the economy? My ‘Rollback the Prices‘ pledge will put more money in everyone’s pockets.

As you can clearly see, none of the Presidential candidates are fit to be leaders of the greatest nation on Earth more then I am. A vote for any of them frankly, is a waste of time.

Vote for me, John Nobody for President of the United States because Nobody cares.

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[Humor-Blogs.com has funny blogs that you can vote for and there are more then two mediocre choices.]

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Welcome back everyone to Cable Local Access Channel 23’s final day of political humor coverage of the 2008 Bull Moose Crap Party Convention. It is a big day today as John Nobody, the party’s nomination for President is about to give his acceptance speech. Since this campaign began John Nobody was a breath of fresh air into the elections, offering sound ideas and solid rhetoric that America wants to hear. I’m getting word John is about to take the stage…we’re going live…what’s he’s already speaking?…God damn even NPR radio is more professional….and I really have to stop leaving my mic on…

…unlike Don Lewis who is pro-bestiality.

America we have a financial crisis and our leaders in Washington are doing nothing but protecting their cronies without any regard to your debt. Don Lewis’ plan for economic recovery is actually a copy of Chris Cameron’s plan to help the homeless.

I’m here to tell you that all changes when I am elected. After talking with many expert economists and people in the financial industry I have determined that there is one solution: drop a couple of zeroes from our currency. No longer will your credit card debt be $8,000. With my ‘Rollback the Prices’ pledge, that burden becomes $80, something any family can manage.

With my pledge credit will free up and we will be able to get more loans to buy whatever we like. Restaurants like Applebee’s will be able to continue to open new locations across the street from every Chili’s and down the road from every Denny’s until every American is able to eat out for breakfast, lunch, and dinner three times a day, seven days a week. Everyone will be able to buy a home again, no money down.

The American Dream will be realized on my watch, I can promise you.

America we have an energy crisis. The winter months are coming and the price of home heating oil remains high. Many will be unable to afford to stay warm. Washington is not worried because they claim Global Warming will solve this problem. Of course Don Lewis, the candidate of last resort, wants to pay for everyone to have sweaters as a solution to energy policy.

Plaid sweaters no less.

I say this is frivolous at best. Don doesn’t tell you where the money will come from and during these tough times the last thing Americans need are more taxes to pay for Don’s clothing welfare programs. If I am elected I pledge everyone will get coupons for a three-pack of wool socks from WalMart and it will cost the taxpayer nothing*.

America it is time for strong leadership not rhetoric about hot women in the White House or plaid clothing welfare programs. Don Lewis will dress you up like an extra in a Scottish Highlander Games entertainment troupe but he won’t put food on your table. He won’t even buy you bagpipes.

I’m John Nobody and I will put food on your table. Nobody knows what America needs. Nobody will work for you in Washington.

Good day and God bless America.

[Balloons fall from the ceiling as the crowd exploded in cheers and applause. LOBO gets on stage with a midget and a monkey.]

*The US government is not liable if the coupons expire before all mailings are completed.

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Come back Monday for the exclusive Bloggers Speak interview with Uncle Beau from the humor blog The Nothing Report.

Did you miss LOBO’s historic Vice-President acceptance speech?

Humor-Blogs.com does not endorse a particular Presidential candidate but they do have funny blogs that you can vote on. Now that’s democracy in action.

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Hello everyone and welcome back to Local Cable Access Channel 23’s exclusive coverage of the 2008 Political Election Humor season. We are live at the Bull Moose Crap Party’s convention in the former Astrodome in Houston.

For those of you just tuning in, John Nobody was officially finalized as the Presidential candidate for the party earlier this afternoon and his acceptance speech will be on Friday.

But the big news today has been the Vice Presidential candidate. He or she is scheduled to give their acceptance speech any minute now but who it will be has yet to be announced. All we know is that Capt. H.M. “Howling Mad” Murdock from the 80’s tv show The A-Team will be giving the introduction, and that…wait a minute folks…I’ve just been told that Murdock is…already giving his speech??!! We’re going live right now…man this station is a hackarama…oh sorry is my mike still on?

…our economy is like B.A. Baracus. It doesn’t want to get on that plane. But this Vice President wants to help knock out our economy in order to get it on that plane.

I give you the next Vice President of the United States of America and running mate of John Nobody…LOBO!

[cheers and rabid applause]

It is my pleasure

My fellow Americans.

YES! In your face, Diesel! Hahaha!! WooHOO!!!

[*ahem*]

I stand before you both humbled and exhilarated as John Nobody’s choice for Vice Presidential running mate.

I looked it up: it turns out to be a pretty important gig. An important gig consisting of long, long hours and hard work.

And after careful consideration I’ve decided to forgive John and except this nomination anyway. This country -in a time of great crisis- indeed needs new and dynamic leadership. Leadership like Bruce Willis circa Armageddon leadership … You know like when they crashed one of the spaceships on the asteroid and Steve Buscemi went loopy and started shooting stuff with a machine gun? At a million dollars per pound in fuel, why exactly did they bring a machine gun -complete with a tripod- to an asteroid?

Alright forget I said anything about Armageddon. How about Bruce Willis as officer John McClane in Die Hard. Eh? Now there’s a movie where Bruce Willis coulda used a machine gun complete with a tripod. And some shoes.

You know what? Let’s forget I said anything about Bruce Willis entirely. I am more like that much-needed machine gun -except unlike in Bruce Willis movies I am there when you need me. In fact, I’m more like attaching your machine gun to a loyal dog that is always at your side. Yeah. A loyal and bulletproof robot dog, that has super speed, incalculable strength, and X-Ray vision.

That can fly.

Yeah.

[cheers and applause as John Nobody joins LOBO on stage. "Crazy Train" begins to play.]

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Don’t miss the continuing coverage of the 2008 Political Humor Election season with John Nobody’s Bull Moose Crap Party Presidential Nomination Speech on Friday. Nobody can fix the economy.

Did you miss yesterday’s US Voter Jokes? What are you waiting for?

Humor-blogs. com has funny blogs and I’m pretty sure there are no lolcats. Let me know if you find any so I can post them. Those things are so darned cute. I’m going to go throw up now.

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