batman humor

If that title isn’t stating the obvious I don’t know what does. The other night I realized why and I have it down to two things: reality television and bad movies late at night.

I finally figured out what it is I don’t like about reality shows, well besides the fact that they suck. They are the equivalent of seeing the family vacation video. It was much worse back when there were slides trust me, but video is a close runner-up. Think twenty minutes of people sitting around a campfire telling inside jokes is boring? Imagine if it was still pictures.

An entire episode of ‘John and Kate plus Eight‘ consisted of the family buying and assembling beds for the children. None of the rugrats caught on fire nor did the mother stagger off in a drunken stupor which disappointed me. Still a lot of people watch this show despite the mundaneness. There also happens to be a lot of mundane humans in the world. Perhaps there is a coincidence.

Reality shows are the boring parts of life and the entire programming schedule of TLC.

When did The Learning Channel cease to be about learning by the way? Unless I want to know how to do interior decorating or learn how midgets live, it is not what I expect from one of Discovery’s networks. I want to see if a tennis ball can pop open a car door lock or what it is like to have to survive for a week in some remote location, not some administrative assistant from Toledo that looks like she got dressed in the dark getting a fashion makeover.

But nothing on that cable channel compares to the horror I endured: I watched Batman and Robin.

I should have slit my wrists right then and there but I have a movie problem: No matter how bad a film is, or how many times I have seen it, if I start watching one I have to see it through.

I once watched that Val Kilmer film where he plays a blind man and Mira Sorvina convinces him to have an operation to regain his sight. Total chick flick but I was flipping channels when it started. Mira is pretty hot though so it wasn’t all bad. And don’t any of you unfunny fucks reply that I was really watching it because of Val Kilmer.

I have tried not to see Batman and Robin because of my weakness and my fears were confirmed. The whole time I was repeating the mantra ‘please don’t let Alicia Silverstone become Bat Girl’ over and over but to no avail. When it came time for her crappy ’superhero intro’ montage I hoped that she would be riding a giant vibrator for a vehicle. At least that would have made it bearable. And hot.

The only thing missing was a Bat Pet which also shows how lame Batman is. At least Superman had a Super Dog.

The credits finally rolled along with a Smashing Pumpkins song. Like the Goo Goo Dolls, they almost rock. They are trying to rock but it’s not enough, kind of like when white people try to dance.

And I swear that Mister Freeze was a metaphor for Al Gore taking his revenge on humans for warming the planet up. Maybe that’s just me though but it’s the only good thing I had to take away from this.

Don’t rob me of that by explaining this film was made before Global Warming was a popular fad. Let me have my binky or I will kill myself. And I will leave the tv on the worst-ever reality show when I go.

Is that what you want?

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