Send Stupid People to the Sun

Once again, my genius at solving the world’s problems manifests itself. I fixed homelessness. I showed all of you a way to use Global Warming to your benefit. I introduced ways to help reach the goal of a hot 2007. This time I will tackle one of society’s biggest issues, what I call the grand-daddy of them all: stupidity.

We could do it the old-fashioned way by ensuring only the smart people breed, but this would take decades of work, and a lot of arguing in Congress. Meanwhile, more and more dumb people are born each day. The problem is growing and it will not stop.

We need radical action.

I propose we take the dumbest members of our planet and send them on the first manned mission to the Sun. I do not mean people who are mentally retarded. I think that would be cruel and unfair. We will have to do some negotiating with blonds and polish people though.

But Chris, that is a lot of people you say. Of course it is. But think about the world we could be living in. The population would be lower because there would not be stupid sixteen year old children who think it is a great idea to ignore birth control. I hate to break the bad news, but the Amtrack method doesn’t work.

Math and science scores would skyrocket, most likely leading to cures for cancer, diabetes, and most other diseases and problems that hurt our life expectancy. Think about it, you would be able to do your taxes because you would actually understand the code. Our children would grow up knowing how to program the dvd player clock.

Isn’t that worth the effort?

So how do we determine who is smart and who is stupid? That is simple. We take all the extra testing schools have been doing thanks to No Child Left Behind to come up with a Bell curve based on the scores. The further to the right you are, the smarter you are. For the final step we divide the curve in half and everyone on the left gets a golden ticket to the Sun.

This does leaves out all the adults. One of the ways we can determine which of them qualify is to use the dumb children on the curve. Since they are stupid, there is a very good chance those genes were inherited. For the dummies without kids, we email them a quiz based on the school testing.

Identifying and separating the stupid from the smart is the easy part, even though it looks hard. The real challenge is convincing the dumb people. Even most of them won’t just go willingly. Even if we told them there would be donuts and cookies.

We need something big, something that can attract a lot of stupid people. As I was watching Big Brother the other day, it came to me: reality television.

The show will be called ‘Be an Astronaut’ and whichever network it runs on will be partnered with NASA. While people will think there will be only one winner, everyone gets to go. We could even allow viewer voting with a twist. Fans vote for one stupid person to remain on Earth as a reminder of the sacrifices we have made to make this world a better place for all.

The cost to NASA would be for the space suits and ship. They don’t really need to spend a lot on training because it is a one-way trip and the command center will pilot the ship remotely. The stupid people would just think they are driving. Remember when you were a little kid and your parents gave you that fake steering wheel so you could pretend you were driving? Same concept.

Of course questions are going to arise.

Dumb Person #1: “How will this be possible?”
NASA: “We will be going at night”
Dummie #2: “How will the ship stand up to the massive heat?
NASA: “We have determined that if we go fast enough we can fly right into the core unharmed where it is actually cool and tropical. There is even a corona.”
Idiot #3: “There is beer on the sun?”
NASA: “Sure what the hell. We launch next month.”

There is a drawback. Over time, even smart people will breed dumb offspring, leaving us right back where we started. We counter with ongoing seasons of the reality show. We could even go with different themes of the same premise.

“Trek to the Center of the Planet” or “Fly to the Moon” are a few alternate ideas.

Reducing stupidity is a sound concept and something I think we can achieve without waiting years for Congress to debate the issue, eventually doing nothing about the problem.

Heck, we can include the politicians in the trip. Just tell them it will be a global warming photo-op and they will be all over it.

What a wonderful world it would be.

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Tagged as:  global warming · Humor · stupid people