Pet Funerals
Dearly beloved, we are gathered here to mock yet another topic dear to people’s hearts: pet funerals.
We have come a long way since the days of burying Fifi in the old Adidas shoe box in the backyard that is for sure. I remember when my first pet died when I was like eight. We had a goldfish and one day it was gone. We had no idea what happened until a few days later when my mom discovered the corpse under the couch while vacuuming. The cause of death was ruled an suicide, the fish jumped out of the tank.
At least that is what my mom said. But there were no witnesses and the burial happened too quickly for the autopsy to be performed so we will never know.
Maybe I need to call Cold Case or something.
On a side note did anyone else dig up their dead pets a few weeks later to see what happened? Okay, maybe that was just me. I was curious I guess.
Poor Fifi.
But now this whole thing is getting completely out of hand. This is a shot from an actual pet funeral:
Humans have less attendees at their funerals. Somebody’s pet parakeet chokes on a sunflower seed and it is a bigger event then when the Pope dies.
And of course business has hopped on board with high-tech equipment for cremation: The SmokeBuster 650. You have to wonder what kind of people come up with huge machines designed to turn dead pets into ashes at the rate of 5-7 an hour.
The inventor of this machine must have had one hell of a childhood.
“Jimmy, are you putting the cat in the oven again?”
“Umm no Mom…”
So Jimmy has grown up and with his desire for macabre and the oven, he looks for a market for his strange desires and finds this franchise opportunity:
Do you dream of owning your own business? Being your own boss? Picking up dead animals, conducting funerals for Fido, Tabby or Mr. Whiskers, burying or incinerating them the respect and dignity they’ve earned, and cashing big tear-stained checks before they dry?
Who hasn’t? Now, through the Pet Dreams Memorial Center license opportunity, you can get all the benefits of owning a real funeral home without all the government regulations, big, heavy bodies, and general creepiness.
Not to mention, cool profit centers such as Keepsake fur clippings, ceramic paw prints and nose prints, and do it yourself funeral service options.
Yah, who hasn’t dreamed of that? But if you think that is weird, look at this picture:
Am I the only one who thinks taking a picture of your dead pet is creepy? What if he was the new guy in the adjacent cubicle at work?
“So what is that picture on your desk Bob?”
“That’s my dog Spot.”
“Is he dead in that picture?”
“Yes”
“Okay, well I have to go now. Think I have a meeting or something to go to.”
=====================================
Tags: Misc, pet cemetary, pet funerals
I have to admit, that’s a first for me. So far (luckily) I haven’t had to attend a pet funeral, other than the ceremonial burying of a hamster in my backyard. But that open casket dog thing is just stupid.
Jeffs last blog post..Yeah, but will it run on skim?
I just can’t understand people’s attachment to their pets. Yeah, I’m sure they feel sad when their pets die, but having a funeral for it? Pets are nice and everything, but they shouldn’t be treated like humans.
Still, that’s my opinion. People are free to do what they want with their dead pets. As long as they don’t expect me to attend a funeral for their recently diseased pet.
Very true Mark but the one good thing about pet funerals is that there will be female mourners ripe for hooking up with due to their vulnerability.
in latinamerica the problem of homeless animals is so tremendous that having a place to make a funeral for them would be great. My point is to have a cementery to burry the animals or putting the homeless animals into an oven instead of the garbage container. Maybe you guys don’t know the reality in this side of the world, but here animals use to die in the streets and people don’t have where to burry them. So the only options are to use your backyard (if there is one), throw it to the garbage (with all the flies and smell problem) or just travel out of the city with a shovel and burry it there. The last option is very uncommon, since most of the people take the first option with their own pets and the second for homeless animals.
Mark-
I’m pretty sure if you look around you can find some laws in select “southern states” that will restrict activities with dead or live animals.
Although sometimes I think people make up stupid laws to see if you can make someone violate them just to say they did.
Take this from a local Kentucky ordinance prohibiting your animal from … ” (1) Molesting pedestrians or passing vehicles;” It further defines you can not be fined more than $100 in a 24 hour period for the same offense. Is $100 a day too much to ask for a happy dog? Pedestrians, ok… Passing vehicles?! Really?
Then again the State of Georgia prohibits Keeping Donkeys in bathtubs. Got to tell you, with the popularity of Shrek and the vague terminology of this law, I would be removing certain “donkey” toys from my kid’s bath time supply kit just to be safe.
And if you need one or two true dead animal references… Sec. 54-5. Hauling on Kansas Avenue restricted. No stable manure, offal, house refuse, garbage, night soil or dead animals shall be hauled along Kansas Avenue except over the Kansas Avenue Memorial Bridge. (Code 1981, § 20-202)
Kansas even goes as far as to define punitive damages you must pay an animal owner if you perform certain “acts” on their beloved dead “Muff Muff.”
230 word reply, how’s that Chris?
Jamie you are a little too into laws about “activities” with living and/or dead animals.
Just occupational hazzard. I was in charge of a sexual offender treatment program for almost 5 years. (You don’t want to know!) We had to “become familiar with” various laws around the country to be able to influence law in NH.
Mark u r wrong, pets when they die they can still have respect, its wrong and rude to just throw them to bags or just dump it sumwhere, imagine u had a great companion a true friend that r always there for u, wat if that beloved pet was murderd,stolen and killed on the same time?? how would u feel?? its like a person… animals r kinda like persons, they work and play, listen to ur prob. I LOVE PETS… and i always will no matta wat, and its true wen a pet died its sad and painful but “THERE GONE BUT NOT FORGOTTEN”….
–Erika
same goes for jeff :p ur stupid
Yeah Jeff ur stoopid.
Being a funeral director and just having lost my dog of 12 years two weeks ago; I can tell you, pets are just like family. We get calls all the time at the funeral home from people crying and asking about pet funerals. It might not be so for some people, but for some people pets are very important.