Angry Seafood

Angry Seafood is on vacation this week and during the break we take a look back through the archives. Today’s Best of is the short story about wishes and modern business.

Enjoy.

Clang!

The shovel rang out as it hit an object buried in the backyard where I was digging the hole for the new in-ground swimming pool I envisioned going nicely with my new deck. I stopped for a moment, and then gingerly pried it from its resting spot. It was a bottle of some kind and covered in dirt and grime but I could make out a label of some kind faintly beneath the earthen buildup.

I used the bottom of my t-shirt to remove the gunk but it was stubborn. I rubber harder on the bottle and suddenly smoke and mist poured out. An olive-skinned man then appeared in from of me.

“Hello I am the genie of the lamp.” he said with a thick Indian accent.
“You don’t look like a genie.”
“Yes, these days the customer service portions of the genie industry are outsourced but I assure you I am American.”
“That is not an American accent.”
“Sure it is.”
“Fine. Whatever” I muttered as I looked the man over. “What about your turban and the vest?”
“I have three other customers on hold right now, do you want the wishes or not?”
“Sure.”
“You get three.”
“Ok, I want to be rich for starters.”
“Done” The genie snapped his fingers. “Look in your wallet.”
I nervously reached into my back pocket. I was disappointed when I saw the billfold was empty. “Umm what happened? There isn’t any money in here.”
“The license.”
I examined my driver’s license, and sure enough the name on it was Richard Cameron. “I didn’t mean literally.”
“Oh I am so sorry.” The genie snapped his fingers “Fixed.”
I looked again at my license and it was back to normal. “So we understand each other, when I mean rich…”
“I am sorry, I failed to mention turning you back into Chris required the use of your second wish, leaving you with one more. Use it wisely.”
“Wait, you screwed up not me”
“I am sorry, I failed to mention turning you back into Chris required the use of your second wish, leaving you with one more. Use it wisely.”
“Do you even understand what I am saying?”
“Yes.”
“Then why did that cost me a wish?”
“You have one more wish. Use it wisely.”
I sighed as I tried to be clearer this time. “I want a million dollars! Pennies from heaven, that whole thing.”

“Done.” The genie snapped his fingers one more time. “It has been a pleasure doing business with you, good day.” Snapping his fingers one last time, he disappeared. No sooner had he vanished when pennies began raining down from the sky. I ran for cover on the porch and watched the backyard slowly fill up with what I assumed were one hundred million coins.

“Friggin’ outsourcing.”

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Angry Seafood is on vacation this week and during the break we take a look back through the archives. Today’s Best of is a tale of the difficulties in choosing a patio deck.

Enjoy.

So I am building a deck. I know, some of you right now are thinking: “Chris, you live in an apartment”. Oh so I can’t build one?

Anyways, I go to the Super Hardware Store Megaplex to look at the wonderful advantage of this new-fangled plastic desk surfacing that lasts much longer then wood I have been hearing so much about. No staining, no sanding. If you chip the ‘wood’ anywhere, it’s the same color under the surface.

But then the decision gets difficult. A saleswoman asks me what color I want.

“What are my choices?”
“Well, there’s grey…” She pointed to a cheery lady with a clipboard at a desk in a well-lit area of the store.
“Grey? Sounds like a lame color.”
“Sir, it’s the most popular.”
“What about brown?”
“You want brown?”
“Yes, you know, like the color decks are usually stained in?”
“But grey is what everyone else wants.”
“Except me, I’d like brown please.”
“Fine, Come with me.” She huffed away annoyed but at least I was getting a brown deck.

I followed her as we traversed the back of the store, down the stairs, and into the underground labyrinth of the building. Working around pipes, mice, and homeless vagrants, we arrived at what looked like the boiler room.

“This is for brown.” She said, opening the door and shoving me inside where I faced a crotchety old man standing behind a desk. The door slammed shut behind me.

“So, you want brown eh?” He stared me up and down. “Who sent you here?”
“Um, I’m just buying a deck.” I sensed his mistrust. “I didn’t like the idea of a grey colored deck, so I guess here I am.” This convinced him I assumed.
“Good to hear!” The old man smiled. “Let me get the Tome.”
“Um, do you mean tome as in a book with a lot of pages?”
“Precisely!” he replied with glee slamming the book to the desk, causing a cloud of dust to burst out in all directions. “This is the Tome of Brown. It holds all the possible choices of tones of the color for your deck. Choose wisely.”
“Don’t you carry the normal brown color?”
“We don’t have JUST brown, there are many shades. There is light brown, medium brown, maple, sorta-dark brown, medium-but-also-light brown, chestnut brown, light…”

This patio-themed reenactment of the classis shrimp scene in ‘Forrest Gump’ went on for about six minutes until finally I had enough. “I think maybe, I want gray after all.”

“You’ll be sorry!” The curmudgeon shook his aged fist and arm at me as I hastily made my exit.

I arrived back at ground level and there was Ms. Grey, ready to set me up with my patio surfacing needs.

“Ok, I’ll take the hot, popular color.” I said, accepting my fate.
“That is an excellent choice Mr. Cameron if I do say so myself.” she said as she pointed to the Tome of Grey. “Now, what shade would you like? We have many to choose from.”

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Angry Seafood is on vacation this week and during the break we take a look back through the humor archives. Today’s Best-Of is my previous idea for a reality show based on mob psychology called ‘The Cringe’.

Enjoy.

Everyone that writes comedy or humor has something cooking in their brain for television or the big screen. Howard Stern had his pay per view specials. The old New Year’s Eve ones were classics. Bobcat Goldthwait had his sitcom about a puppet only one person can hear. I really think that one was some kind of metaphor for masturbation but I have a twisted and devious mind.

If you think I am exaggerating about that fact then strap in.

My concept is a reality show in the hidden-camera genre, niche, whatever. Most of these are always either played on a celebrity or a few ‘average Joes’. Many of them also involve some kind of funny gag that everyone but the target is in on. I want to try a different approach.

‘The Cringe’ is a hidden camera show where instead of a joke or a gag, the attempt is made to make the situation uncomfortable and awkward. Not only that but the ‘joke’ if you will, is played on a group of people, like at least 20-30.

Watching a person react to a practical joke is interesting, but group dynamics are much more fun to observe, especially when you throw cringe moments into the mix.

My first segment would be at an airport. Passengers of a flight are repeatedly being told that the flight is delayed. Each delay is just five or ten minutes, but happens so often it gets the passengers angry and irate. This builds until they start demanding free things like tickets, or hotel rooms, or food and drink.

In most airports these days there are television monitors and there is a good chance it will be on some news channel. A fake report is run, breaking news that a plane has crashed in the ocean ten miles from the airport. It is said to be the flight number everyone is waiting for and complaining about being late.

This of course ends with the revealing of the joke, balloons and confetti dropping from the ceiling and a marching band entering the scene from stage left. This is how each segment ends, by the way.

My other situation would be ‘100-Year-Old Birthday’. The scene is a restaurant, and there is a table of ten people, one of whom is celebrating his 100th birthday. The servers all gather up a bunch of customers and everyone goes over to sing happy birthday as a cake is brought out. Just as the old man blows out the candles, he dies and his head drops into the cake. Of course he doesn’t really die, but you get the idea.

I am even toying with the notion that he jumps up thirty seconds later and yells: “Surprise!”

The only thing left is a host of the show. I wonder if I could use a hologram of Che Guevara. I think the humanitarian aspect he brings to the table could temper, no pun intended the edge of ‘The Cringe’.

Or I could get him mad which would lead to his ordering people to face the firing squads. Now that would be cringe television and reality-based at the same time.

Hollywood needs me.

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Happy Independence Day everyone!

All three of the people in this cartoon, by the way, are first featured in LW #5 ‘Space’. These are the comic’s first re-occurring characters. Like when Mork from Ork made his first appearance on Happy Days, you might be watching the evolution of a spin-off. Time will tell.

If you don’t already know this is the last fresh content post until Monday July 14th. But in the meantime keep coming back, especially the new readers because I will be running best-of stuff looking back at some of my best work so far. I’ll also make fun of my worst content as well as my favorite Radioactive Liberty columns I’ve written.

Have a fun and safe Independence Day everyone.

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