Okay, first up we have a young child’s interpretation of what her parents were doing the night before.

Then we have the AutoTune version…

I love YouTube.

When it comes to ESPN”s coverage of Brett Favre’s return to the Vikings Tuesday, the turn of events was looked at more closely than the Zapruder film.

Here is Favre on the road…

Here he is getting off the plane…

Here is Brett arriving…

Not only did we get a play-by-play of his travel but we also found out Favre and friends had steak for dinner Monday night, and a casserole for breakfast. I’m not kidding. They really reported that.

I was waiting for them to comment on what shoes Brett was wearing and if he filled up with super unleaded when the SUV stopped for gas.

ESPN even reported that the local media has not covered Favre much since he left his home in Mississippi. Maybe that is because the sports network covered just about every meaningless angle already.

It used to be that Jean Claude Van Damme was all about kicking ass in movies.

These days I guess he is above all that, refusing a role in The Expendables.

You know, that film that was #1 at the box office in its opening weekend and took in 34.8 million dollars.

So why did he turn the role down?

Van Damme, it turns out, did get a call from Stallone to join his team of Expendables, but he wasn’t thrilled with the pitch. He told TotalFilm, “Stallone gave me a part in his next movie. [He] said, ‘You’re gonna make lots of money.’ I don’t want to hear that, I want to hear what was my character. He was unable to tell what it’s going to be.” So Van Damme, showing admirable dedication to the purity of his craft, passed.

I would never have expected him to say such a thing, especially in light of his 2009 film JCVD, in which he starred as himself, the real-life himself.

Here’s Van Damme not kicking ass! Here’s Jean Claude not going “ayyyaaahhhhooooaaaahhhh” right after he doesn’t break some dude’s neck. Here’s the star of Bloodsport imagining he fucks up a bank robber but actually only elbows him in the stomach, allowing the police to apprehend him.

If that is purity of craft he should retire from acting.

So what’s next for the master thespian, Shakespeare?

I can see the trailer now for Hamlet…Van Damme says “To be or not to be, that is the question” as he grabs some dude’s head. Then he breaks their neck and snidely comments “not to be…that is the answer…ayyyyyaaahhhhhoooooaaaahhhhh!”*

But he only imagined that happening. In the movie he is still holding a fake skull.

It gets better…

In a 2009 press conference, Van Damme recounted pretty much the same story, adding that he’d advised Stallone that, instead of doing “The Expendables,” Stallone should make a movie where Sly plays a “tough priest.” According to Van Damme, Stallone found this “insulting.”

The final kicker and note of irony…

Of course, Van Damme’s newfound introspection doesn’t explain why he starred in 2009′s “Universal Soldier: Regeneration.”

Ouch.

*Bonus points if you got the skull/head reference to Hamlet.

Yes, Van Halen is back. The original Van Halen with David Lee Roth. The one who’s 1984 album was heard non-stop at the carnival I worked for back in the day.

This was the poster on my wall through my high school years (Dave was covered over by a picture of Sammy Hagar from Circus magazine when he left the band):

Pretty freaking awesome news right? Hell yeah.

Okay, there is no Michael Anthony. Replacing him is Eddie’s son Wolfgang though, making the 2011 version more Van-Halen-y or something like that.

But Dave is back:

Although the band have not announced the news themselves, their publishing company spilled the beans in a recent press release. Warner/Chappell Music’s comments at first seemed dull, stating simply that they were renewing their publishing deal with Eddie and Alex Van Halen.

But the end of the notice confirmed rumours that had been circulating for months: “The group is currently in the studio recording an album with Roth that is due for release in 2011.”

And the tour to follow…

And the band will promote the forthcoming disc by hitting the road once again, reports Billboard. The site claims the rockers’ manager and Live Nation promotions executive Irving Azoff mentioned a Van Halen 2011 tour during a discussion about concert earnings on Thursday, August 5.

So who should be the opening act?

Def Leppard?

Twisted Sister?

Cinderella?

No matter who the opening band is, Van Halen is back.

Take us out Eddie…

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Do you have an opening act for Van Halen? Leave your suggestions in the comments below.

It wasn’t a fun game for the Cincinnati Reds last night that is for sure. I bet the St. Louis Cardinals loved it though.

Going into the top of the forth inning with Cards pitcher Mike Leake on the mound, here’s what happened between outs zero and three:

- J. Jay doubled to shallow right

- A. Pujols singled to left, J. Jay to third

- M. Holliday singled to shallow right, J. Jay scored, A. Pujols to second

- C. Rasmus singled to shallow center, A. Pujols scored, M. Holliday to second

- Y. Molina singled, M. Holliday to third, C. Rasmus to second

- S. Schumaker homered to deep left center, M. Holliday, C. Rasmus and Y. Molina scored

- C. Carpenter struck out swinging

- B. Ryan struck out swinging

- F. Lopez singled to shallow right

- C. Fisher relieved M. Leake

- F. Lopez stole second, F. Lopez to third on passed ball

- J. Jay walked

- A. Pujols singled to shallow left, F. Lopez scored, J. Jay to second

- M. Holliday grounded out to shortstop

Seven runs were scored, a grand slam was hit, and no drunken fans ran onto the field.