Me: “Hello?”

Person: “Hello sir, its Ann again from the Ajax Marketing Firm.”

“Wonderful. So what great new product will you be roping me into this evening?”

“We prefer the term convincing. Actually sir we are concerned that you stopped buying Kraft Macaroni and Cheese.”

“Have you seen the prices of food lately? A box of that stuff costs a dollar now.”

“But sir you have been a regular customer since, well..um…our records actually don’t go back that far.”

“So do I win something?”

“No but you do get to take advantage of our new service. We understand you have had to drop your cable internet service.”

“You people don’t miss anything do you?”

“We’re marketing people sir. It’s our job. Anyway, we are prepared to offer you our new rural internet service plan, $4 a month.”

“But I don’t live in a rural area.”

“You still fall under the requirement to receive our service.”

“Let me guess, is it because I don’t have internet access?”

“Right you are sir. It is good that we are developing our relationship to the point where we understand each other.”

“Great, pretty soon you will be convincing me to put a ring on your finger.”

“What was that sir?”

“Nothing. So for $4 a month I bet I’m getting half the speed of dialup right?”

“Oh no sir, you will have high-speed internet access.”

“Broadband internet 24-7 for four dollars.”

“Yes sir, as long as the operators aren’t busy.”

“What do you mean busy?”

“Instead of you having to look at sites yourself, our operators look them up for you and describe to you over the phone what they are seeing. This allows you to not have to bother with the actual task of web surfing while still getting that same broadband quality. Would you not admit this is a steal at four dollars? A lot of people would pay twice that for the same service.”

“So I don’t actually have internet service.”

“Yes, through us.”

“Well I am tight on money and I do need the internet. What the hell, sign me up.”

[Later that night]

“Yes, operator I’d like to check my mail…I have to give you the password again? I just checked my mail an hour ago. I still should be logged in. Fine. Okay now I’d like to go to some porn sites…what was that…yes porn sites, are you deaf…hello…hello?”

[Chris calls Ann]

“Yes sir are you enjoying your internet service?”

“Not really. I just got booted for looking at porn sites.”

“Sir, you didn’t read that part of the terms of use? We are owned by Disney and pornography is against the rules of our service.”

“Disney, the company that schleps a cable channel to 6-13 year old kids?”

“We prefer the term market.”

“Okay fine, I won’t look at any more porn sites. Can I re-subscribe?”

“I’m sorry but I am not supposed to re-enroll anyone who violates the rules. However, I can do something for you.”

“Yes what?”

“How about a coupon for ten free boxes of Macaroni and Cheese?”

“I guess that is better then nothing.”

“Oh and sir the coupon requires you purchase twenty boxes to get the ten free.”

“It never ends with you people.”

“Not in the world of marketing sir.”
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