Happy election eve 2008 America. I come to you one last time to ask for your write-in vote for myself, John Nobody for President of the United States.

I speak to you tonight on the precipice of a truly historic vote, one that will be so for another three years until the 2012 election becomes the most-important one EVAR as the young lads like to say in their phone text messages.

See, I connect with today’s youth but that is not why I ask for your write-in vote.

I, John Nobody have the solutions to today’s vexing problems. Longing for cheaper gas? I’ll give everyone free gas and not the kind that comes from Agita like the rest of my opponents. If I am elected everyone will have the right to have their own oil supply and the government will supply pick axes and shovels for all Americans.

Still, many of my fellow Americans are still undecided about who they should vote for. As the best man for the job of our next president I feel I should point out why everyone else is a bad choice in tomorrow’s election.

We know about Barack Obama. He gets elected and life will be like a scene from the Matrix.

Those things track your income by the way.

And of course there’s Grandpa. What if halfway through his term John McCain gets the urge to take up the pursuit of lifelong goals?

Obviously you should vote for me instead of either of those two clowns. In case you still have doubts that I am the best candidate for President, I give you another opponent: Don Lewis who I easily bested in our political-ly humor-ous debate a couple of weeks ago.

He has unfairly targeted me in a smear campaign because he is hiding the real scandal.

Clown suit, rabbit suit, whatever. Another bad choice for President.

Mickey Mouse always gets a lot of votes but folks, he pals around with terrorists.

Next thing you know there will be Disney shows on Al Jazeera. We simply cannot elect cartoon characters that have absolutely no love for our country. Elect John Nobody and you can be sure I will be stronger on foreign policy that that guy.

[John points to picture of John McCain]

Robocop and a unicorn have teamed up for a run at the White House.

Sure, Robocop may be tough on crime but what does he know about the economy? My “Rollback the Prices” pledge will put more money in everyone’s pockets.

As you can clearly see, none of the Presidential candidates are fit to be leaders of the greatest nation on Earth more then I am. A vote for any of them frankly, is a waste of time.

Vote for me, John Nobody for President of the United States because Nobody cares.

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