Jesus Performs His Old Resurrection Trick Sunday…AGAIN
Written by Chris C on March 19th, 2008
Sorry if I spoiled it for you but Jesus is going to die on March 21, 2008 and then come back to life two days later. I don’t know about you but I’m getting tired of this act.
Boring.
Every year Jesus pulls the same lame-ass trick. Doesn’t he have anything new to show us? He has twelve months to work on new material but every Easter he goes back to the same-old same-old miracle trough.
Look at what this guy does! Separates a woman in half!
Tell me people wouldn’t listen to Jesus if he did stuff like this.
Jesus: That is what happens to non-believers!
Witness: Ahhhh!!! I’ll do whatever you say, just don’t rip me in half!
So Mister Son of God, I think it is time for some new magic tricks. Turning water into wine was a neat parlor amusement but its passé now. You could bless Ashley Alexandra Dupre but the last time you did that it turned into the Davinci Code.
Moses even outdoes you this time of year with his parting of the Red Sea. That act never gets old by the way Jesus because it is a classic. Any immortal being can raise themselves from the dead and move a boulder. Moses separates a body of water then closes it in on an incoming enemy army. That is pretty kick ass no matter how many times it’s repeated.
I can rent a machine that can move large rocks around. Am I a God? No, but neither was Moses and look what he did. C’mon Jesus you are going to have to do better then a resurrection trick to really amaze the crap out of people in 2008.
Of course all this criticism would be pointless without advice or a solution and I have the perfect one. I am not sure if it would be up your alley Jesus because it is true evil. Not as much as punting a puppy but still evil.
Everyone has cell phones that play videos these days. On Sunday morning you hack into everyone’s phones and set the call volume to the max setting as well as disable the ability to hang up or turn them off.
Then you call everyone and send them this video:
Easter would never be the same again if you Rickrolled everyone Jesus. Maybe for an encore you could bring back the Pope too.
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Praise be to Idetrorce!
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There’s a YouTube video of The Terminator protecting Jesus by killing all his enemies. Jesus keeps resurrecting them and explaining to The Terminator that this is the way things are supposed to go. It’s funny. If I get a chance I’ll look for it later today.
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Hey! Come hang with me!
JHC
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As I remember it, (From a book. I’m not that old.) The Japanese had a real problem with the whole Jesus thing because they couldn’t understand why he didn’t just pull a katana and off the bastards.
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@Qelqoth: Praise be to Idetrorce!
@Frogster: I’ll have to look for that.
@JHC: Aren’t you supposed to be dead? Oh wait it’s Monday so you’d be alive again by now.
@Don: That’s why I admire the Japanese. They aren’t afraid of confrontation.