I Have Been to Football Fan Hell
I sat in the second row at the Meadowlands, one Sunday night, for a nationally-televised game in professional football hell. Was it the Giants during the Ray Handley era? You might have an argument there. Hell, any video anthology of the Giants just skips right over those years.
“..and when Bill Parcells retired, then came Dan Reeves…”
Was it the Patriots/Eagles game back in the late 90’s in Philadelphia? No, but being in the environment of such hostile fans despite the fact there is no rivalry would be close. Those people booed Santa Claus when he came out to kick field goals at halftime for crying out loud.
Tough crowd.
But no, I am talking about real hell.
“Sure, I’ll go to an XFL game.” I replied to my buddy Nick not knowing what I was getting myself into.
For those who don’t remember this one-hit wonder, the XFL was a professional football league created by Vince McMahon that consisted of eight teams stocked with players not thought to be talented enough to make the NFL or even the CFL. The experiment lasted just one season.
The match-up on the slate this night was the New York/New Jersey Hitmen vs. the Chicago Enforcers. I think they polled fantasy football enthusiasts or nine-year-olds for team names. You had The Thunderbolts, The Rage, and The Xtreme which on a side note always reminded me of the movie Twister.
We arrived there and it was cold as balls. Strike one. That’s okay, we figured, we’ll just keep warm with beer.
Wrong.
The XFL had a policy: no alcohol sales at games. I’m an adult watching sports. No beer is like sex with a hooker without the condom. It just makes zero sense.
So there we were, with our hot chocolate like we were at a Pee Wee football game while the teams are getting in position for the opening kickoff. I’m wondering why they are putting the ball in the middle of the field. Oh my God, it’s a scrum for it. Whoever gets there first gets possession. It’s like the world’s slowest face-off.
Is that a nickname on the back of that guy’s jersey? And who the hell are all these people? I think I remember that Maddox guy from somewhere but everyone else I don’t recognize.
“Is the game over?” I asked after what seemed like twenty punts each side and a score that was like 3-0.
“No, it’s like three minutes into the first quarter.” Nick replied.
“Dude I can’t feel my toes.”
So remember that the next time someone gives you tickets to a Knicks, Dolphins, or a Royals game don’t complain. It could be worse.
Much worse.
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