God Answers- Traffic Odor and Unintended Consequences
Written by Chris C on October 29th, 2008
Welcome to the God Answers advice column where the Big Man himself dispenses valuable wisdom to those who seek it. This week we have a special addition to the column: a contest for you the readers! Yes that is right, you could win a copy of ‘How to Profit from the Coming Rapture‘. Details at the end of the post.
JumpOut asks: “If I pray really hard will it increase the traffic to my blog?”
I’d like to suggest that you watch the video of Ringo Starr, genius behind the beatles here on this blog; his disposition mirrors my own.
Seriously, what the hell makes you so special? Get in line with the billions before you and take a fucking number. Apparently there’s a popular belief that I have nothing else better to do with my time than to answer all the prayers of the world; it’s all noise and I’ve become very good at tuning it out. So please, pray to someone or something else; the response time will be much better and you’ll be more pleased with the results.
Mark asks: “How does one protect against the unintended effects of a “flaming blow job”?
I’m not quite sure if you’re referring to pregnancy or catching yourself on fire; having the garden hose on hand will suffice for the latter. Please drink responsibly.
Rickey asks: “God is a real sunuvabitch, isn’t he?”
I like to think I’ve mellowed out throughout the ages; haven’t you ever read the Old Testament?
muskrat asks: “Why do my balls smell?”
The odor from your genitals was carefully designed to identify and attract other members of your species and is caused by several forms of naturally growing bacteria. This bacteria on your skin multiples exponentially in the presence of sweat. Understanding that humans have learned to abhor their own natural scents in a vein attempt to deny inherent beastliness, I would suggest bathing or deodorizing if it becomes bothersome to yourself or others. Best of luck!
GOD
And now it is contest time…
Leave your question for God in the comments below and the best three chosen by me will win a free copy of ‘How to Profit from the Coming Rapture‘! The winners will be announced in next week’s column.
There are a few rules of course:
~One question per person.
~You must use a valid email address or I won’t be able to contact you.
~Entry deadline is Sunday, November 2, 11:59pm EST.
Good luck everyone!
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29
PM
Dear God,
Why’d you put the kitchen next to the sewer?
kathcoms last blog post..Astronaut Remi Gaillard
29
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Alright then, will I go to Hell if I pray to Inspector Harry Callahan? I mean, he really knows how to get things done.
JumpOuts last blog post..How Not to Get Killed by the Police: Herding Instincts
30
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Great questions so far. Three days left to enter. Don’t let it be too easy for JumpOut and kathcom to win!
31
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Do you like toast?
Alex L.s last blog post..Sphinctorial Response: Mario-urder…
31
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God: 10 Commandments…Letterman Top 10…coincidence? Give us the top 10 you left out!
VEs last blog post..Wii Erotica Coming Soon
31
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thanks for answering my questions! sorry about my very disrespectful-towards-much-of-humanity post showing previous halloween costumes.
muskrats last blog post..a very muskrat halloween (a.k.a., a pictorial tutorial on inappropriateness)
1
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Did you really authorize the invasion of Iraq, like President Bush said you did?
Skip DeKadess last blog post..Happy Halloween!
3
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Ok folks the contest is closed. The winners will be announced in the next ‘God Answers’ column on Wednesday.
If you didn’t get a chance to enter the contest there is another book review coming up and more chances to win a free copy.
3
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Oh and you don’t have to stop giving God questions to ask, they just won’t be eligible for the contest.