I guess I’ve written so much scathing humor about religion that the big man himself wanted to speak to me. It’s hard to think otherwise when I pull up in front of my house yesterday to an entourage of white Lincoln Navigators and a bunch of angels in suits standing around.

“Come inside, the big man wants to speak with you.” The lead angel demanded as I got out of my car.

“Look I swear that girl had an ID that said she was eighteen!”

The angels glared at me as we walked up the driveway.

“I’m kidding. I’m a humor writer remember?”

They motioned for me to go inside. There He was sitting on my couch.

“Hello Christopher.” God said. “Sit down.”

“What did I do now? The only time anyone ever calls me by my full first name is when I am in trouble.”

“Relax. I’m not here to punish you.” God smiled and pulled out a cigarette from nowhere. “Mind if I smoke?”

“You smoke??!!”

“I’m God I don’t get cancer.”

“Good point. So if you aren’t here to punish me, are you here to reward me?”

“I’m here because of this humor post you wrote about telling people to stop bothering me so much.”

“Actually I wrote that because those people bothered me so much. Everything is God this God that. No offense but sometimes worship just goes too far.”

“Tell me about it! At least you can’t hear everyone. Early on it drove me so crazy I misplaced my anger on your ancestors. It took the whole Old Testament to learn to ignore most of it and even then I’m still pretty much annoyed all the time. Job’s still pissed by the way but he’s slowly getting over it.”

“Wow! So you agree with me?”

“I didn’t read the post actually. I was just looking for a way to do my classic bit on the Old Testament and you set me up very well. That one always kills at the Masonic Lodge Comedy Night in Heaven by the way.”

“So you have come here to recruit me as your set up guy for your stand up comedy tour?”

“No Chris I want to blog.”

“Blog? Seriously?” I scratched my head in disbelief. “What would you blog about?”

“Advice. Everyone needs it and who better to dispense it then me?” God sat back, raised his arms, and folded his hands behind his head. “I’m calling it ‘God Answers’. I’ve even got a logo.”

“So what’s your blog URL? I’ll write up a post about it.”

“You misunderstand me. I’m going to answer questions from your readers here on your blog.”

“Do I have a choice in this?”
“Of course you do. Why you would choose to not do this is beyond even my thinking. I’m God, think of the marketing angle.”

“Well now that you put it that way…”

Do you have a question for God? Ask Him in the comments and he will answer your questions in a future ‘God Answers’ post.
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