God Loves Me, You Not so Much
Things go well for me usually in life and I have recently concluded that it because God likes me. I don’t bother him with prayer or demands. He does what he wants to do. I do what I want to do. If he exists, then I probably have one of the best relationships you could have with a potentially fictitious deity. It is the laissez-faire approach to God/human relations.
Because of this I get rewarded. Nothing spectacular, mind you, just a problem-free life. Of course my existence is not without its hurdles. Overall I can’t complain and that is because God loves me thanks to my ignoring him. He also comes in for dinner where I work and leaves a very generous tip. We talk politics, this blog, the Red Sox, stuff like that. Let me tell you something, God loves baseball. I keep telling him it is a dinosaur but he comes right back with the “those animals weren’t my idea” line. Of course I am quick with my usual retort “but steroids were!” We laugh and laugh.
On a side note, God is a Padres fan. Go figure.
So why do things go wrong in your life? It is because God hates you. Ok, perhaps hate is a strong word. It is more like he is indifferent. He has a complete lack of feeling towards you. How can he like you when all you do is talk about him non-stop? Can you blame him?
Got laid off from your job? Break your toe on the coffee table leg? God finally got fed up with your lack of subject material and constant rambling on and on about how awesome he is.
Holy shit join a bowling league or something, just get the hell out of the house once in awhile. You want to know why your bible-thumping friends are just like you are? Because nobody else wants to listen to repetitive chatter about God, religion, Jesus, how puppies will be even cuter in heaven, the seventy-two virgins and all that other bullshit.
Your social circle is the only group of people that will tolerate this conversation.
Look, I am not saying to quit religion. Have at it if you like. Just give the rest of the world a break and talk about something else for a change.
(God’s Note: I am not a Padres fan. Go Mets.)
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