God Lays Down Law about his Answers Column

[Read how the newest humor column God Answers began.]

Questions I WILL NOT be answering

Let’s get a few things out of the way. The following are three of the most common (and annoying) questions that I receive on a consistent basis. For some reason, you guys love asking stupid questions that you already have the answers to. Please DO NOT ask these questions anymore. Do not try to re-word, re-phrase, re-imagine or re-present them in any way shape or form. They will be ignored.

IDIOT QUESTION #1: What is the meaning of life? What is my purpose? Why am I here? What’s the reason for all of this?

Easily one of the most absurd questions ever conceived. It’s funny, too, that the most moronic question is also the one I seem to get the most. I thought everything would seem pretty damned obvious by now, but apparently you all need to be led by the hand. Let me explain this so even the laymans can grasp it. Your existence, your ‘meaning’ (whatever the hell you want to call it) is quite simple; you are here to EAT, SHIT and FUCK. For some reason, you all have this delusion that you were created for some nobler purpose; that I have some ‘grand scheme’ in the works for all of you. Sorry to shatter your hopes; I DON’T. (never have)

There’s nothing more for you to do and there are no improvements that you need to make; you are all doing just fine. Keep eating, shitting and fucking and you’ll ‘make it to heaven’, ‘attain enlightenment’, achieve ‘moksha’ or whatever the hell you think your ultimate goal is. Here are the REAL commandments:

1. eat.
2. shit.
3. fuck.
4. resort to heavy drinking and/or drug abuse as needed.

The 4th commandment is optional, although strongly advocated.

IDIOT QUESTION #2: Is there a heaven? Where do I go when I die?

This is a gem and tied for first place for most imbecilic question. I really hate this one because, quite simply, I have NOTHING to do with it. There are no ’streets paved with gold’, no ’singing angles’, no ‘pearly gates.’ You guys dreamt this nonsense up, you perpetuate it and you insist on dragging me into it every chance you get.

‘Where do I go when I die?’ is another one of those foolish questions that people just LOVE to ask me. Luckily, it’s one I still enjoy answering from time to time:

When you die, your lifeless corpse rots and you become food for worms, maggots and other wildlife. Your body breaks into its constituent parts and you actually become useful to the planet.

IDIOT QUESTION #3: Will there ever be peace on Earth?

Yes. There will be peace on this planet once I rid the world of the human species. (It’s coming sooner than you think.)

Next question?

Ask God in the comments and he will answer your questions in a future ‘God Answers’ post.

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