Welcome to the God Answers advice column where the Big Man himself dispenses valuable wisdom to those who seek it.

JumpOut asks: “If I pray really hard will it increase the traffic to my blog?”

I’d like to suggest that you watch the video of Ringo Starr, genius behind the beatles here on this blog; his disposition mirrors my own.

Seriously, what the hell makes you so special? Get in line with the billions before you and take a fucking number. Apparently there’s a popular belief that I have nothing else better to do with my time than to answer all the prayers of the world; it’s all noise and I’ve become very good at tuning it out. So please, pray to someone or something else; the response time will be much better and you’ll be more pleased with the results.

Mark asks: “How does one protect against the unintended effects of a “flaming blow job”?

I’m not quite sure if you’re referring to pregnancy or catching yourself on fire; having the garden hose on hand will suffice for the latter. Please drink responsibly.

Rickey asks: “God is a real sunuvabitch, isn’t he?”

I like to think I’ve mellowed out throughout the ages; haven’t you ever read the Old Testament?

muskrat asks: “Why do my balls smell?”

The odor from your genitals was carefully designed to identify and attract other members of your species and is caused by several forms of naturally growing bacteria. This bacteria on your skin multiples exponentially in the presence of sweat. Understanding that humans have learned to abhor their own natural scents in a vein attempt to deny inherent beastliness, I would suggest bathing or deodorizing if it becomes bothersome to yourself or others. Best of luck!

GOD
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