God Answers- Drink Vote and Repent

Need help with something? Getting crappy advice from everyone else? God is now here to help with his on-going humor advice column. Ask him your question in the comments section and he just may answer it…

Fiar asks: “How many hippies do I have to beat in order to stop Obama from becoming President? I’m doing pretty good on the first 3 commandments, but the 4th needs some work. My question is, since you don’t exist, who are you really? Why the fuck should I take advice from you?”

To answer your first question, America is going to hell in a hand-basket either way, so it makes little difference to me which one of these idiots wins the election. Beat up as many hippies as you like if it will make you feel better; but you won’t be striking any deals with me; I don’t give a damn.

Second question: I am God, but you’re absolutely correct. I’ve never existed in the conventional ways that you may be familiar with. I’m not the ‘invisible man in the clouds’ or the celebrity with the long hair and beard. You guys have pigeon-holed me for centuries; turned me into a caricature like Santa Claus or the bogeyman. Frankly, I’m a little insulted.

As for taking my advice, I really couldn’t care less. I would, however, suggest you get cracking on that fourth commandment as soon as possible; you just might have a revelation and ask a question worth your time, if not mine. (but we both know you’re not really interest in that.)

Eve asks: “Would you please ask Gawd what I did to deserve this?
P.S. I am pretty sure I know so ax….. Him what I can do to make it up to Him.“

[sigh]

I wasn’t going to respond to this, but as you are new to the blog, I thought I’d be nice.

There’s nothing you need to do to make anything up to me. I don’t much care what you did, nor do I care what you think you need to do to repent. This is yet another prime example of humans burdening their own problems on me. Why do you all pine for my forgiveness? It’s your conscious. It’s your guilt. You make it up to yourself. Steal, murder, rape — do whatever you want. There are no rules in my kingdom; only those that you have made for yourselves. Confession has nothing to do with me and everything to do with you. If I were to spend my days answering all these ridiculous questions, I would scarcely have time for my more productive endeavors (i.e. plagues, earthquakes, tsunamis, etc.)

Still want my forgiveness? I’ll be a sport.

Strip down, smear your body with chile con queso from head to toe and streak through your local mall. I know, I know…it’s a little unorthodox; the whole rosary bead thing was always a bit tame for my taste.

Tiggy asks: “I’m trying to cut down on the liquor. I was wondering if you could recommend any other stimulating substance that could take its place?

Seeing as you invented it all, I’m assuming most of it is pretty good.

Why the hell you’d ever want cut back on drinking is beyond even me; my recommendation would be to drink more, but seeing as you’ve made up your mind, I do have some colorful alternatives that should help numb your human condition.

The obvious choice of course would be Opium in any of its creative forms. Opium has a rich and glorious history dating back to time immemorial; if it was good enough for the Greeks, Arabs, Romans, Sumerians, Assyrians, Minoans, Persians and the Egyptians, it should be good enough for you. You simply cannot get more ‘tried and true.’ Tranquilizers are another wonderful option; they reduce physical tension, dull your thinking and induce sleep. Just perfect if you want to ’slip away’ or vacation in oblivion. Benzodiazepines are also fun. Valium, Librium, Xanax; can’t overlook the old favorites. Any of these should fill the void, or at least, send you into one=]

I can tell you’re about to ask, so I’ll answer it now. My favorite drink: the ‘Flaming Blow Job.’

50 bottles Jack Daniels
25 gallons of Everclear
35 gallons chocolate milk
25 cans of whipped cream

Pour booze into a decent size kiddie pool, spray the cans of whipped cream on top and set the damned thing on fire. Invite friends and serve.

GOD

Want advice from God? Ask him a question in the comments and he will answer.

---

[Humor-blogs.com has funny blogs but doesn't do oral on Sundays.]
[Humorbloggers.com has funny blogs about the missionary position.]

If you enjoyed this post, make sure you subscribe to my RSS feed!