God Answers- 401K Plans and Suicide

[Read how the humor column God Answers began.]

Need help with something? Getting crappy advice from everyone else? God is now here to help with his on-going humor advice column God Answers. Ask him your question in the comments section and he just may answer it…

Jim asks: “God what should I do about my 401k plan now that it is in shambles?”

My initial response is that you’re ‘SOL’, but this advice isn’t very helpful (even if it is true.)

The good news is that it looks as though they are going to be raising the retirement age to 78 which means that you’ll be able to work until you drop dead. Sure, you’ll be facing a losing battle against ageism, but the opportunities as a Walmart door greeter should always be available to you even if the compensation isn’t enough to cover your basic living expenses.

At that stage, you’re only options are to build a cozy hooch under the bridge or admit yourself to one of our friendly, state-funded death camps we like to call ‘nursing homes.’ You should get at least a couple meals a day, plenty of mind-numbing medications and bingo nights on Sunday evenings if you merit them. (You may get smacked around on occasion when no one is looking, but so what? You’ll be tripping on thorozene, shitting your pants and drooling in a dribble cup — you won’t know, or much care, what hit you.)

All in all, that still beats prison, which is another viable option; but grand larceny at that age might not be very practical; you wouldn’t want to put your back out or ruin your hip replacement running from the police — unless you plan on going out with a bang.

In any case, you wont get any sympathy from anyone and you certainly won’t get any from me. If you can’t take care of yourself anymore, then it’s time to go. At least the animals have the god-damned good sense to crawl into a hole somewhere and die.

Don’t let any of this scare you. You could be dead tomorrow — at which point your rotting ‘nest egg’ won’t be an issue.

Marty asks: Dear God, I’m holding a gun to my head as I’m typing this. Give me one good reason I shouldn’t pull the trigger. If you don’t receive this message within the next 15 minutes, disregard post.

SHOOT! I missed your post by a solid 20 minutes.

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Ask God your question in the comments section and it could be used in a future God Answers Column.

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