Fighting Global Warming

I have decided to give up the fight against the overwhelming evidence that global warming is caused by us.

Hey, I thought it was the sun. How silly I was to think the massive star with its inconsistent amounts of heat would have the greatest impact on climate and temperatures.

It is us stupid.

So what can we do to fight the problem of climate change?

We are carbon-based life forms and since CO2 is part carbon it must be our fault.

The first thing we must do is learn to exhale less. It is a hard road to take, I know but any journey starts with that first important step.

I recommend beginning with a breathing pace of two second intervals, then three, then four until you exhale as much CO2 as you would while sleeping or at rest.

Even this might not be enough so I would shoot for a goal of breathing intervals of eight to twenty seconds. With the addition of all the humans in the last decade, this would bring us in line with breathing levels in 1990.

The next step is to reduce farting.

All that methane gas is deadly for the planet so we need to ban beans, especially the baked kind. Farting is like yawning, if someone hears or smells it, they suddenly have the urge to ‘let one go’.

Therefore fart jokes are also banned.

We also need to get the animals involved.

They carelessly adapt to a constantly-changing climate leaving the burden on us to attempt to control nature. This is as fair as asking China to pay their fair share of the CO2 taxes.

We need to get these non-humans to foot their share of the bill. After all, animals invade our backyards, eat our garbage, and get in the way of our vehicles on the roads and highways. The last thing we need is more freeloading from them.

We also need to increase the MPG and the best way to get there is driving backwards.

It has been determined that driving in reverse uses less gas then going forward. I even tested the theory for six hours in a Jack-In-The-Box parking lot. I used .5 less gallons of gas in just six hours.

Imagine the savings multiplied by seven billion people.  I know, I am a genius.

So remember to fight global warming breath less, make animals pay taxes, and for the sake of the planet do not pull anyone’s finger anymore.

Humanity is counting on us.

Tagged as:  climate change · global warming · Humor · Politics