Angry Seafood

The Universe Is Going Crazy

2008-12-03T07:16:24Z

That is what I saw when I looked outside last night. Creepy to be sure.

Then I went to the mall…

What the hell is going on!!??

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[Humor-Blogs.com has funny blogs about the universe.]

Randomness of Humor

2008-11-28T19:56:28Z

Every time I see an Elvis impersonator I follow him around to see if he dies on the toilet.

Tomorrow Never Dies was on television last night and I forgot how ridiculously over-the-top it was, even for a Bond film. The clichés were even horrible, like CSI: Miami horrible.

So a guy jumped into a panda cage at a zoo in China for some cuddling time. The idiot got attacked and bitten but was saved by zoo keepers. Darwin rolled over in his grave.

I saw an ad on tv for the Slanket, or something similar. This looks like the perfect gift for a monk or a Jedi Knight.

I heard an ad on the radio recently advertising the new wireless Amber Alerts and it got me thinking: why not add prizes and incentives to the mix? They already offer rewards for other crimes so why not child abduction?

“Be the first to call in with an accurate tip and win $100. Everyone who calls will also be entered into a drawing for a trip to Hawaii.”

What if one of the early humans learned to talk before the rest of them? What if that person was also a woman?

Wife: Hi honey.
Husband: ungh
Wife: Wait until I tell you about my day.
Husband: ungh
Wife: You never listen to me anymore.

At the Miller Park Zoo in Illinois you can buy Christmas ornaments made from reindeer crap.

Staffers make decorations out of droppings from the zoo’s two reindeer, Ealu and Rika. The droppings are dried, then clear-coated and either painted or rolled in glitter.

Put something in a pretty package and people will buy it. Even shit.

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[Humor-blogs.com has funny blogs about random things.]

First Thanksgiving Was A Riot

2008-11-26T05:22:12Z

Did you know the first Thanksgiving was actually the Thanksgiving Day Riot? True story.

The first Thanksgiving began as a pot luck dinner celebration on a warm November day in 1645. The Pilgrims, not having much brought dried, salted fish and some donuts. The locals were a little upset to be sure. They brought turkey, stuffing, mashed potatoes, a bunch of undocumented workers, and John Madden.

Like all gatherings of people who do not know each other, the Indians were huddled on one side of the yard and the Pilgrims on the other. It didn’t help that the Puritan code prohibited alcohol. Thankfully the leader of the Pilgrims saw this as a hindrance to relations. He was also tired of eating dried fish all the time so he repealed the ban on liquor.

That move of course got the party going. Everyone started mingling and getting jiggy with it. The first Thanksgiving was looking like a success.

As fate would have it, everyone started getting a little too drunk. Tempers flared when one of the Pilgrims made a joke about one of the Native American’s mom and there was a bit of pushing and shoving. In the heat of the moment, the chief of the locals tried to pet the dog in the above picture and it bit him.

Everyone was about to come to blows when the leader of the Pilgrims made an impassioned plea for calm and order. Things started to settle down until some French guy yelled out “Ze Pilgrims will betray you Indians!” triggering a melee and the Thanksgiving Day Riot.

The fighting eventually stopped and there were no casualties but the damage was done between the two groups’ and their ability to get along.

Relations did improve a little over time but the Riot left an idelible mark on the two groups, something that would eventually lead to the French and Indian War one hundred years later and Prohibition three hundred years later.

We owe it all of course to this guy and his long term vision:

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[Humor-Blogs.com has funny blogs about holidays and cheese.]

The Top Ten Funniest Shows Part Two

2008-11-26T04:08:39Z

Back in February I posted my list of the Top Ten Funniest Shows. Being the odd humor blog that Angry Seafood is, I only listed five shows. Here are the others.

1. Married with Children

(Video link for feed readers)

Al Bundy was the 90’s version of Archie Bunker. Most impressive is how tough it was compared to the 1970’s to be politically incorrect.

3. All in the Family

(Video link for feed readers)

The king of political incorrectness has to be Archie Bunker. This show took the question “Do people on television go to the bathroom?” and turned it into a running gag along with offending pretty much every group, race, affiliation, etc. on the planet.

4. News Radio

(Video link for feed readers)

I never understood why this one never caught on with the mainstream. I think it is like Wings, a good show with a good cast that didn’t fit into the ‘Everybody Loves Raymond’ sitcom mold.

6. Kids in the Hall

(Video link for feed readers)

Probably the weirdest one of the bunch, that’s for sure. The odd thing about this strange series was how hit or miss the sketches were. They were either really good or uncomfortable.

9. Newhart (Second series)

(Video link for feed readers)

Unfortunately he’s relegated to second banana status in the Legally Blond franchise these days which is a shame. Bob Newhart truly is one of the funniest comedians of all time.

His style was always sort-of back seat in all his shows and in this series he was always the one outside the group who you watched and listened to for his reaction to the situation.

He has one of the best series-ending scenes ever where the show went back to the first Newhart series like the second was a bad dream.

Let the debating begin…

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[Humor-Blogs.com has funny blogs about stuff like tv shows and zebras.]

Bloggers Speak: Im Sure I Dont Know Part Two

2008-11-24T14:28:42Z

Here is the thrilling conclusion to the interview with The Nemesing One from the humor blog I’m Sure I Don’t Know.

[Part One if you missed it]

Since Lindsay Lohan has gone lesbian, is there anything left she could do to attract attention?

I’m waiting for her to announce that when she said lesbian she meant she had a thing for female dogs. I could see her being this major crusader for inter-species erotica and such. As part of that she would stop shaving her legs and pit hair to become closer to her new “mate”. Of course she would have all these huge Great Danes and such, all female. When that starts to die down she will begin to speak in canine and only talk in whimpers, growls and barks. Then when she’s hanging out with Paris and Britney and their all panty-less they would give a whole new meaning to term “Beaver” - it’ll be 70’s porn meets Animal Kingdom.

You have been hired to write the next romantic comedy starring Matthew McConaughey. What will the plot be?

Him and his gay lover (Jason Alexander) are about to get kicked out of their apartment after their ultra-conservative right-wing nut-job of a landlord (Rip Torn) finds out they’re into man-on-man action. They convince him that he has misunderstood some things they have said or done and that they are really straight, not gay. So now they have to pretend they are straight in order to keep the apartment. They have to have a constant string of women friends come over to keep up the façade.

But it’s taking its toll on the two star-crossed lovers and Matthew (the more butch of the two) even starts to wonder - “GASP” if he’s really gay. This all comes to a head when Matthew says he’s moving out and maybe going to look up that girl he thought was kind of cute in college.

While Matthew is at the open door, bag in hand and back slightly turned to the camera, and ready to leave, Jason Alexander begins this very passionate monologue about being true to yourself and forgetting what the rest of the world says,

“For all these years you’ve looked past all my flaws. You’ve looked passed my balding head, my portly stature, my monthly bouts with pseudo PMS and now you’re telling me you can no longer look past the fact that I have a penis. I can’t believe we live in a world where that matters. It doesn’t matter to me. I love you and I love all your flaws and I your penis.”

Matthew turns around, the music begins to swell and he says, “I love your penis too.” With tears streaming down their faces they fall into each others arms which leads to a deep passionate French kiss and then BOOM, Rip Torn walks by the open door and sees them. He immediately kicks them out but it’s pretty obvious he’s a homophobe and he is just trying to mask his own gay tendencies.

The gay community rallies around the two and thousands end up protesting out in front of the apartment building. Rip Torn looks out his window at the protest, turns and looks at a picture of his father sitting on his desk and says, “Sorry dad, I can’t keep denying who I really am”. Now realizing that he is gay, he goes out and gives the two guys a great big hug and wet sloppy kisses all around.

Here there is a cameo by Harrison Ford as a very flamboyant gay man who catches Rip Torn’s eye, they smile, Rip blushes and we just know they’re going to hook up girlfriend. The protest rally turns into a spontaneous gay pride parade that marches off into the sunset.

Guaranteed box office flop but will get tons of awards at Sundance, Cannes and the Oscars.

Thanks for taking the time to do this Nemesing One. Any final thoughts?

Thanks for inviting me, it’s been fun. Do I have any final thoughts?

I’m sure I don’t know.

Nemesing One’s question for the readers:

I just plucked a ¾ inch long gray eyelash from my eyelid, is it gross to go around showing it to my co-workers?

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[Humor-blogs.com has funny blogs, many I have interviewed.]

Contest Winners

2008-11-24T13:56:43Z

The twisted conclusion to I’m Sure I Don’t Know’s interview will be up in a little while but before that happens I’d like to announce the winners of the ‘is it me or is everything shit?‘ contest.

There were five entries and guess what? You all win!

Congratulations to dizzblnd, Muskrat, Tiggy, Reforming Geek, and Fiar. The five of you have won a copy of ‘is it me or is everything shit?‘.

See how easy it is to win things around here?

Oh yes, here are the answers in case anyone was wondering. Yes or true means it was in the book.

1. Michael Jackson fans gathering is a sign of the Rapture yes/true

2. The 2007 Steroid All-Star Team no/false (from my post All-Steroid Team)

3. One of the topics is not available on the audio book. yes/true

4. A big eagle with Mom written under it is a tattoo not body art. yes/true

5. Soon FMH magazine will be running features like: “How to Pick Up Chicks that Are Into Global Warming. no/false (from my post Global Warming Headlines)

6. Teri Hatcher is looking for truth yes/true

7. Donkey Kong ruined a generation. no/false

8. Howard the Duck yes/true

9. Purple is the new black no/false (a post topic I am currently working on)

10. Bring back the Hitler mustache no/false

[Humor-blogs.com has funny blogs about true and false statements.]

Bloggers Speak: Im Sure I Dont Know Part One

2008-11-21T06:39:02Z

Welcome to another edition of Bloggers Speak where Angry Seafood sits down with other online humorists and ask them funny questions every Friday. This week I am joined by The Nemesing One from the humor blog I’m Sure I Don’t Know and he was kind enough to give a two-part interview. The second half will be published Monday.

How’s it hanging Nemesing One?

Well ya know, I haven’t seen my “jimmy” in so long due to my enormous belly that I can’t really say. It’s squished, that much I know.

Should we re-structure holidays so the minor ones like Thanksgiving do not get in the way of the important ones like Christmas?

Ah, well that is one solution, but I’ve always looked at Christmas as a reward for all the gratitude you showed at Thanksgiving. I’m perfectly content with Thanksgiving being a springboard for Christmas, but now it looks like everyone, especially Walmart is trying to make Halloween the springboard. It drives me absolutely crazy.

I know we’ve only been paying lip-service to Thanksgiving, but now even that is gone. My real fear is that if we don’t knock it off, all of those pilgrims are going to re-animate, claw their way out of their graves and make us all pay for forsaking them.

Van Halen-Sammy or Dave?

Absolutely Dave - I have never been a big fan of Sammy - I mean he has his place in Rock & Roll history, don’t get me wrong, but how could anyone replace David Lee Roth? Much like Robert Plant to Led Zeppelin, David’s voice was more of an instrument unto itself. His whoops and wails and shouts were unwritten lyrics that made the whole song.

Who was funnier, Hitler or Che?

Hitler enjoyed a lot of success whereas Che was just an angry douche-bag who failed at about everything he set out to do. Hitler also had a lot of hot, blond, Bavarian chicks in shiny black leather uniforms hanging around. Not to mention German Lager vs. Coronas, I’m going to have to go with Hitler as being the more fun of the two of them.

Although, Hitler isn’t pushing the merchandise like he use to. His novel Mein Kampf was the #1 selling book in Germany (and the ever-increasing surrounding areas) from 1935 till 1945. And Swastikas were very chic. Not so much today though. There seems to be a lot of stigma surrounding the wearing of Nazi symbols and such.

Che on the other hand, although a rampant communist hell-bent on destroying capitalism has become a huge brand name and has enjoyed a lot of financial success.

Hitler = much funnier but has a major PR problem.
Che = total downer, but is very popular with the kids.

What would be the funniest way to leave your wife or dump a girlfriend?

I’ve heard that texting your breakup is the new rage, but I couldn’t do that. I would like to it’s just I don’t own a cell phone.

There is no really gentle way to go about it so I think going for the jugular is the only way: I would send her a bouquet of nearly dead flowers with a note saying, “My love for you is dead, like these flowers, oh and I’ve found someone prettier and thinner and younger than you, but hey we sure did have a good run didn’t we? Oh and BTW, I f*cked your little sister, thought you ought to know.”

Of course, I don’t see this happening in the Nemesing home.

Will this be the hottest toy this Christmas season?

Wow! That was really, really bad, but it’s not too far off base is it. I mean I’m at Walmart with my 7-year old son just last weekend and we’re looking at action figures and he’s deciding which ones he wants for Christmas and then we see the Jesus and Mary action figures and he says, “Dad. I don’t think Jesus would appreciate that very much.” Even a 7 year old knows these things are wrong.

To be continued…(trust me you will NOT want to miss the second half of the interview)

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[Humor-blogs.com has funny blogs, many I have interviewed.]

What in The Wide World of Sports Is Going On?

2008-11-21T04:42:25Z

[Before moving on with the post I would like to remind everyone that you have only mere hours to enter the contest and a chance at winning your own copy of 'is it me or is everything shit?']

I think Taggart from ‘Blazing Saddles’ summed it up nicely when it comes to all the strange things that are happening in the news lately.

Kangaroos and humans share chunks of the same genome? Is it better to think we descended from apes or kangaroos? Oh yeah, we are also related to mice. Evolution is a lot more confusing then we realized. Stupid Darwin!

Donovan McNabb was not aware there were tie scores in the NFL.

During a space walk outside the International Space Station Tuesday one of the astronauts accidentally lost her grip on a tool bag and it floated away. Whoops!

I just hope this incident does not initiate first contact with aliens.

On a side note, women everywhere cringed, knowing they have had the same thing happen to their overly-priced handbags at some time.

The heads of the automakers were in Washington begging for money after flying in on private jets. Amazingly enough, lawmakers called them out on their choice of transportation. If that isn’t strange I do not know what it.

Even the internet is acting weird. An actual word on Google’s word verification system?

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[Humor-blogs.com has funny blogs and often acts in a strange manner.]

Win a Copy of ‘is it me or is everything shit?’

2008-11-19T10:49:08Z

Here is your chance to win your very own copy of ‘it is me or is everything shit“…

…all you have to do is figure out the truth from fiction.

Below there are ten statements, some are from the book and some are made up. All you have to do is guess which ones are real and which are fake in the comments section. I say guess because if you haven’t read the book you will have no idea which is which.

In other words, everyone has a chance to win a copy because everyone is guessing blind.

You can enter as many times as you like but only the entry with the most correct will count.

The three people who get the most right will win a copy of the book. If there is a tie, then a random drawing will determine the winners using Randomizer.

The contest ends at 11:59am EST Friday 11/21. The results and winners will be announced Monday 11/24.

Unfortunately, you must be a resident of Canada or the US to enter. You must also give a valid email address.

Now that the rules are out of the way let’s get the contest rolling. Have at it everyone and good luck!

1. Michael Jackson fans gathering is a sign of the Rapture.
2. The 2007 Steroid All-Star Team.
3. One of the topics is not available on the audio book.
4. A big eagle with Mom written under it is a tattoo not body art.
5. Soon FMH magazine will be running features like: “How to Pick Up Chicks that Are Into Global Warming“.
6. Teri Hatcher is looking for truth.
7. Donkey Kong ruined a generation.
8. Howard the Duck.
9. Purple is the new black.
10. Bring back the Hitler mustache.

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[Humor-blogs.com has funny blogs about true and false statements.]

Book Review: is it me or is everything shit?

2008-11-18T21:42:37Z

insanely annoying modern things

The answer to the question is yes of course.

‘is it me or is everything shit‘ by Steve Lowe and Alan McArthur with Brendan Hay is an A to Z reference guide to all the stupid things in our culture like Kate Moss and Che Guevara merchandise.

Based on two best-sellers in the UK, the American version rips through the many facades of our society, tearing at the foundation of the red string-peddling religion Kabbalah on one page while shredding the tv bullies like Simon Cowell on another.

‘is it me or is everything shit‘ tackles more then pop and celebrities. It gives solutions for serious problems. Among the many cited is a call to do away with the word war and replace it with the words birthday party. Nations are invited, cakes are dropped, crumbs are left everywhere. They do not mention what to do with the people that were not invited. You know, the insurgents.

The book even has a stunning revelation: Obama is not the ‘One‘, Bono is. The U2 frontman and world savior even has the UN to do his fact-finding for him.

‘is it me or is everything shit‘ also makes for the perfect bathroom book because it is not linear unlike ‘How to Profit from the Coming Rapture‘.

Personally, I found both to be nice additions to the family reading room library, or any literary collection for that matter and I think you will too.

Want to win a copy of ‘Is it Me’? Tune in tomorrow for a contest and you could score one!

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[Humor-blogs.com has funny blogs about pop culture.]

Jesus Must Be Stuck In Traffic

2008-11-17T20:26:52Z

Jesus is late by quite a few years. Sixteen and counting. He must be really busy. Maybe he had to pick up his dry cleaning or something on the way to the Rapture.

Jesus: “Hey Peter, up for some Madden?”
St. Peter: “Only if I get to be the Cowboys.”
Jesus: “Sure. I’ll be Detroit.”
St. Peter: “Do you ever NOT play the underdog?”

I wonder if the whole thing that got the stone rolling, the resurrection was real. What if it was a joke by one of the apostles?

Maybe in the middle of the night Peter and his friends moved the rock and waited for the mourners to arrive. When the mourners saw what had happened, they assumed resurrection and before Peter could tell them they were Punk’d, it was too late-someone had already run back to town.

Paul: “Peter what do we do now? We can’t tell everyone it was a joke. They will shun us.”
John: “Hey I’m only recording this second-hand. Don’t blame me.”
Peter: “Well I guess we could start a religion?”

On a side note, this is also how Scientology was created, only with men from Mars eating Cadillacs and Subarus and no Aston Kutcher.

So was Jesus simply mortal-curious or is he coming back?

Peter: “Jesus isn’t today the day you return to Earth and bring eternal salvation?”
Jesus: “Not now Peter. Dancing with the Stars is on.”
Peter: “What about the world?”
Jesus: “Hey you are the one who started all this with the resurrection joke.

[Humor-Blogs.com has lots of funny blogs.]

Bloggers Speak: Muskrat

2008-11-14T05:04:03Z

Welcome to another edition of Bloggers Speak where Angry Seafood sits down with other online humorists and ask them funny questions every Friday. This week I am joined by Muskrat from the humor blog umm err Muskrat.

How’s it hanging muskrat?

First of all, thank you for agreeing to meet me at this seedy Courtyard hotel in Charlotte, NC on short notice. How’s it hanging, you ask? Fully clothed in its leather suit and zipper mask, ready for abuse. Why? You wanna give ‘er a little dance? He don’t bite much.

You are hired to write the script for Police Academy Eight. What would the plotline be?

It would be absolutely filthy. The entire film would be set in the Blue Oyster Bar, where the bar patrons take turns entertaining necrophiliac urges with Tackleberry (who died in 2001). The police squad infiltrates the biker gang. Harris would totally dig it, calling it his favorite undercover gig ever. Which would be ironic, because he’d be uncovered.

What would be the funniest way to die?

In the arms of the Cutting Crew.

Van Halen-Sammy or Dave?

Definitely David. I was so inspired by David Lee Roth in 1984 that I cut a hole in the back of my britches and ran around my elementary school telling everyone I was a Yankee Rose. You should’ve seen my beautiful, smooth bare ass. Girls wanted to touch me. Boys wanted to be me.

Does Thanksgiving seem to get in the way of the Christmas season more and more every year?

It does. I tire of the little pilgrim gnomes that always seem to find their way into my yard from my neighbors’ front porches. I like to arrange them into poses that resemble that trashy t-shirt that came out 15 years ago portraying geckos having sex. Remember that one? Pigeon Forge giftshops sold out of them all the time, along with the Big Johnson series of t-shirts.

If you could create your own court procedural drama what would it focus on?

Gotham City. I’d like to see the ADA’s office–especially since it included Bruce’s hot little childhood friend with her taser–trying to get past all the trampled-upon Fourth and Fifth Amendment rights Batman’s version of vigilante justice brought. And how many times did he Mirandize somebody before breaking his face and getting a confession? Zero, that’s how many. All those fuckers would be back on the street by now.

Why have we not seen this band in any recent versions of Guitar Hero?

I haven’t played Guitar Hero before, but if the object of the game is to murder a damned powerful Europe song, these kids should certainly be featured. This reminds me of a film I starred in during highschool called “Seven Bad Kung Fu Dudes” in which the training montage was accompanied by the Europe version of “The Final Countdown.” I wore a loincloth.

Originally the phrase ‘God bless you’, said after someone sneezed was supposed to keep the evil spirits from entering their body. What would happen if we stopped blessing people after they sneezed?

Hmm, I’m thinking either Big Audio Dynamite would take us all to the Globe, or we’d all turn to pigs and run off a cliff (See Mark 5:1-20). I’m hoping it’s the former.

Thanks for taking the time to do this muskrat. Any parting thoughts?

Again, thanks for this blitzkrieg interview sqeezed into 45 minutes between client meetings while I’m on the road.

muskrat’s question for the readers:

Where can I get one of those “What are you looking at, Dicknose?” t-shirts like Styles wore in “Teen Wolf”? I have a family reunion coming up.

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Would you like to be interviewed? All I ask is that you have a humor blog and you give funny answers. If you think you qualify contact me and I’ll make it happen. Oh and money works great if you are not funny.

[Humor-blogs.com has more funny blogs like muskrat's to laugh at or with.]

Oops I Did It Again

2008-11-13T05:19:13Z

Yes I did it again.

Unfortunately, what I did again was not the result of Britney Spears hitting me up with a booty call every night at 2AM. Despite her advances I know better then to get mixed up with that trollop.

I am talking about something more important than being the 324th guy some B-List celebrity slept with in a week. This is about my never-ending quest for my perfect blog template.

It started with this theme. Very simple:

I took the ball and ran with it, modifying the crap out of the code while also developing a color and text scheme all the while knowing I was up against a demon: making sense of css written by people who write messy code…

I fought through the code like a man trying to win the affections of Lindsey Lohan except in my case I knew I had a chance.

Then I found this theme that has some great images that I used for my header. Screw you Lindsey!

Now I finally have my perfect template despite the attempts by Spears and Lohan to thwart me.

Oh yes, and if you were wondering about the book review it will be up Wednesday. (Ed Note: Now more like next week. My stupidity as you read below set me back a post or two. Hell, I haven’t even gotten to my RL column and it’s due ASAP.)

Update: I understand there is a problem with comments. I’m working on it and if there are any other problems please let me know through my Contact page.

Update Two: Commenting is fixed and it was because I put the comment form page on a 301 redirect back to the main page of the blog. It had nothing to do with any messy code and to be fair I was not referring to the author of this theme but rather all the messy templates that are out there. Open source is what it is.

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[Humor-blogs.com has funny blogs about being thwarted.]

Marketing Madness Two

2008-11-10T21:46:51Z

Me: “Hello?”

Person: “Hello sir, its Ann again from the Ajax Marketing Firm.”

“Wonderful. So what great new product will you be roping me into this evening?”

“We prefer the term convincing. Actually sir we are concerned that you stopped buying Kraft Macaroni and Cheese.”

“Have you seen the prices of food lately? A box of that stuff costs a dollar now.”

“But sir you have been a regular customer since, well..um…our records actually don’t go back that far.”

“So do I win something?”

“No but you do get to take advantage of our new service. We understand you have had to drop your cable internet service.”

“You people don’t miss anything do you?”

“We’re marketing people sir. It’s our job. Anyway, we are prepared to offer you our new rural internet service plan, $4 a month.”

“But I don’t live in a rural area.”

“You still fall under the requirement to receive our service.”

“Let me guess, is it because I don’t have internet access?”

“Right you are sir. It is good that we are developing our relationship to the point where we understand each other.”

“Great, pretty soon you will be convincing me to put a ring on your finger.”

“What was that sir?”

“Nothing. So for $4 a month I bet I’m getting half the speed of dialup right?”

“Oh no sir, you will have high-speed internet access.”

“Broadband internet 24-7 for four dollars.”

“Yes sir, as long as the operators aren’t busy.”

“What do you mean busy?”

“Instead of you having to look at sites yourself, our operators look them up for you and describe to you over the phone what they are seeing. This allows you to not have to bother with the actual task of web surfing while still getting that same broadband quality. Would you not admit this is a steal at four dollars? A lot of people would pay twice that for the same service.”

“So I don’t actually have internet service.”

“Yes, through us.”

“Well I am tight on money and I do need the internet. What the hell, sign me up.”

[Later that night]

“Yes, operator I’d like to check my mail…I have to give you the password again? I just checked my mail an hour ago. I still should be logged in. Fine. Okay now I’d like to go to some porn sites…what was that…yes porn sites, are you deaf…hello…hello?”

[Chris calls Ann]

“Yes sir are you enjoying your internet service?”

“Not really. I just got booted for looking at porn sites.”

“Sir, you didn’t read that part of the terms of use? We are owned by Disney and pornography is against the rules of our service.”

“Disney, the company that schleps a cable channel to 6-13 year old kids?”

“We prefer the term market.”

“Okay fine, I won’t look at any more porn sites. Can I re-subscribe?”

“I’m sorry but I am not supposed to re-enroll anyone who violates the rules. However, I can do something for you.”

“Yes what?”

“How about a coupon for ten free boxes of Macaroni and Cheese?”

“I guess that is better then nothing.”

“Oh and sir the coupon requires you purchase twenty boxes to get the ten free.”

“It never ends with you people.”

“Not in the world of marketing sir.”

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Tune in Tuesday for the review of the funny book “Is it Me or is Everything Shit” and a chance for you to win your own copy.

[Humor-Blogs.com has funny blogs that market their comedic value to society.]

[HumorBloggers.com has funny blogs that market their humor-ous value to society.]

Bloggers Speak: Taunt Vortex

2008-11-07T04:06:51Z

Welcome to another edition of Bloggers Speak where Angry Seafood sits down with other online humorists and asks them funny questions every Friday. This week I am joined by Doug from the humor blog Taunt Vortex.

How’s it hanging Doug?

Well, it depends. If we’re discussing social issues - a little to the left. If we’re discussing fiscal responsibility - a little to the right. And if we’re discussing Jaime Pressly, well, then it really doesn’t hang at all.

Be Billy Mays and try and sell the readers your latest idea/invention

“Be Billy Mays”?? There’s no need to insult me. But if I was pressed to come up with a product that your readers might buy by the truckloads, if would be the “Informercial Filter”. Basically, it’s an electronic device that’s placed between your TV and your cable input line. When it senses that an infomercial has begun, within nanoseconds it blocks the infomercial, instantly replacing it with less grating and less offensive programming - like John Madden’s colonoscopy, or footage of baby seals getting clubbed. No more Billy Mays. No more Sham Wow guy. Almost like Nirvana. But way different from Tivo.

What do we do if the Amish decide to go the religious extremist route?

I just finished “Art of War” on tape, so I’m well prepared for this question. Initially we should do nothing, and simply let the Amish duke it out with the Mennonites. If the Amish prevail and set their sights on the rest of us, I recommend that we simply employ the same tactics that we have used against other religious extremists: wiretap their phones, monitor their internet activity, put their names on “do not fly” lists. We could also ship a few of them off to Gitmo, just to give them a taste of what it’s like to live without the necessities, like air conditioning and Twitter.

Van Halen Question- Sammy or Dave?

As you probably know, I’m extremely proud of my Dutch heritage, so that may color my opinion. But I believe that Eddie Van Halen is the true genius, the driving force, nay, the essence of Being behind Van Halen. He’s a true guitar god, exemplified by his use of non-traditional tuning, tapping guitar solos, and his signature “brown sound” tone. I’ll let Mr. Van Halen speak for himself.

“A guitar is just theoretically built wrong. Each string is just an interval of fourths, and then the B string is off. Theoretically, that’s not right. If you tune an open A chord in the first position and it’s perfectly in tune, and then you hit a barre chord an octive higher, it’s out of tune. The B string is always a motherfucker to keep in tune all the time! So I have to retune for certain songs.”

He’s truly brilliant. Now I realize that it will seem like blasphemy to Van Halen fans, but Eddie’s talent just overshadows the lead singer to the point where it’s immaterial and irrelevant if either Sammy or Dave is singing. In fact, you could plug in Juice Newton or William Shatner into that leader singer spot, and as long as Eddie’s playing lead, Van Halen will still rock.

If you could create a television series what would it be?

It wouldn’t really be a series per se, but more of a 24/7 reality show. Do you remember “The Truman Show” with Jim Carey? It would be sort of like that, with cameras following the main character 24 hours a day - but without the main character being aware that he/she is in a show. But instead of Truman, the main character would be Martha, my old ex-girlfriend from high school. I could check up on her whenever I wanted, without all of that inconvenient and time-consuming internet stalking.

Since Lindsay Lohan has gone lesbian, is there anything left she could do to attract attention?

She would really need to do something out of character. It would be a stretch, but I think her attention addiction could get a huge fix if she started hanging out with Stephen Hawking. Perhaps at first they’d just be seen together at Starbucks. Then she could accompany him to high profile meetings of theoretical physicists. After a while, she might be so bold as to confront harassing paparazzi, shouting “How dare you annoy me while I’m considering the implications of Yang-Mills instantons vis-à-vis String Theory! I hope your soul gets obliterated by a black hole!” And whenever she wrecks her car, she could describe in terms of Newtonian mechanics how inertia and force were to blame, and not her 0.18 blood alcohol level. This could be a positive thing for both Lohan and Hawking. He’d probably get his first ever Us cover photo, and she would be a shoo-in for the cover of The Bulletin of the Atomic Scientists.

Is there anything that drives a point home better then authentic frontier gibberish like in this classic scene from Blazing Saddles?

I…I’m sorry. This is very disturbing for me. See, back in college, I majored in Comparative Bookbinding, but my minor was in Authentic Frontier Gibberish. During the last semester of my senior year, my professor in Advanced Authentic Frontier Gibberish II - let’s just call her Sarah Plain and Tall - made unwanted advances toward me. When I rejected Sarah’s advances, my term paper mysteriously vanished. I failed her class, I was unable to get my degree, and my long downward spiral started. After years of therapy I finally got to where I could comfortably go to the rodeo, watch “Gunsmoke”, or stop for gas in Arkansas. I’m hoping to be able to reach the point where I’m strong enough to actually be gainfully employed in the near future. Maybe.

If you could create a polygamist cult what would be your first rules and the reasons for said rules?

Funny you should ask that. I just started reading “Creating a Polygamist Cult for Dummies”, but I’ve only read as far as the chapter on “Choosing Your Cult Name and Logo”. So I’ll have to wing this one. Okay, Rule #1 - we should never refer to ourselves as a “cult”. That’s just asking for trouble. “Polite Company Book club” won’t attract meddling reporters or district attorneys. Rule #2 - I’m the only one allowed to touch the TV remote control. Rule #3 - Thursday night is Moo goo gai pan night.

Thanks for taking the time to do this Doug. Any final thoughts?

Chris, I want to thank you for this opportunity, but I’m a little concerned. I was told this was going to be all multiple choice questions. Do you grade on the curve?

Doug’s question for the readers: If you could sit down to dinner with any three historical figures, living or dead, what would you order for an appetizer? And if the dead historical figure smelled funny, would you say anything?

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[Humor-Blogs.com has very funny blogs like Taunt Vortex.]

Two Posts at Radioactive Liberty This Week

2008-11-07T19:02:05Z

Usually I do my Radioactive Liberty political humor column on Thursdays but this week I have two posts.

Thursday I took a look at some administration options in ‘Choices for a Barack Obama Cabinet‘

Friday’s post is a non-fiction/fiction story called ‘The Wreckage‘ and the plotline is thus:

Col. Jack Cabot, Director of the Federal Elections Emergency Disaster Management Agency faces the first day of the clean-up after the 2008 Elections.

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[Humor-Blogs.com has funny blogs about wood stain for cabinets.]

God Answers Contest Winners

2008-11-07T04:09:26Z

The God Answers column, usually seen here on Wednesdays will be along either later tonight or tomorrow. I can not confirm the rumor that God is hungover from the big 2008 election political humor carnival yesterday but I can tell you who won the contest.

Last week’s God Answers column had a prize for the best questions: a copy of the very funny religious humor book ‘How to Profit from the Coming Rapture‘.

Originally there were to be three winners but I changed my mind and everyone who left a question in last’s weeks column comments won. Pretty nice huh? That’s just how I roll.

But not Obamaroll. Man four years of this crap. Ugh.

Anyways, the winners of the contest are: Kathcom, JumpOut, Alex L, VE, and Skip DeKades.

Congratulations everyone and stay tuned for another giveaway contest coming soon! I can’t give details but I can say it is another funny book, ‘is it me or is everything shit?‘

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[Humor-blogs.com has lots of funny blogs that are winners.]

[Humorbloggers.com is the home for funny blogs and humor forums.]