Prepare for the summer movies that suck! Well most will but hey, I haven’t even seen these films yet. Like my severe avoidance of green beans, which I actually have never tasted, I judge which flicks are good and bad based on two minutes of a trailer and in most cases common sense.
It isn’t hard to be a movie critic. Sure, they tell you they have seen what they are reviewing but for all we know that clip of ‘Gigli’ on Guest & Ebert was new to them too. If I can make crap up on a blog about ‘Speed Racer’ these guys can wing a review.
I’ve broken the post up into a monthly series because I know you don’t want to read a 10,000 word post about movies. The summer will be over by then. This time around we obviously go with the flicks for May.
Let the winging it begin.
Iron Man
May 2
Robert Downey Jr. amazes me with the way he was able to juggle a reoccurring drug addiction and a successful career and still be alive and get great roles. To be fair he is clean and sober now and to his credit he is a good actor.
Still, I am always torn on anyone playing a superhero role until I see the film itself. And Iron Man fans you better like Downey in the red and gold suit because both he and Gwyneth Paltrow have expressed interest in staying on for a trilogy.
I think this will be an enjoyable movie because of the special effects technology finally catching up with being able to do justice to Iron Man’s abilities. The plot will be typical comic book-like but I think Marvel Films learned from disaster in 2003 and not make something as stupid as The Hulk ever again.
Speed Racer
May 9
Speaking of stupid films, here we are with the worst-ever cartoon translated to the big screen, Speed Racer. Not only was the show dumb but it exposed a lot of Americans to Anime and ushered in the age of living in the parents’ basement.
I don’t think the Wachowski Brothers will ever make a good film again after the first Matrix.
That said who the hell would go see this movie? It’s too hyper and colorful for children. It’s too lame for adults. Seriously, what is the target demographic for this one?
Wait until it shows up on the TNT weekend movie rotation late night, sandwiched between Blade II and Forest Gump. It won’t cost you anything and you will be too drunk to see the suckiness of the plot.
The Chronicles of Narnia: Prince Caspian
May 16
I know you have to suspend belief of reality in a movie, especially ones where lions talk and sound like Liam Neelsen. But I just can’t get past the time thing. They enter Narnia as kids, grow up and leave the world as adults but back on Earth it is days later. Then in this one they enter Narnia a year older here but the same age over there. I think I’m getting a headache.
Still this one should be good. Don’t let my silly ramblings sway you on the second Narnia.
Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull
May 22
Expect lots of old jokes. Sneak a six pack into the theater and take a swig every time Indy says “I’m too old for this” thus creating a fun new drinking game.
The trailer has a scene where his timing on a swing is off. He had his tell-a-joke time then he punched out the two people in the cab of the truck. Look, I am no expert director but wouldn’t the scene have flowed better if he took the two dudes out then made the joke? At least it wouldn’t look like the bad guys were waiting for Indy to make his ‘getting old’ crack.
Sex and the City
May 30
I once had a roommate that loved this show and would often watch the DVDs in his room. I also once heard him say “You go girl”. He didn’t know I overheard him and I made sure to say so months later in front of a bunch of people as only a roommate would do.
Total chick flick and if I ever have to make the deal with a girlfriend or wife to watch this (you know the one where she says she’ll watch something you like if she gets to pick something she likes) I am picking Bavarian Midget porn just to spite her.
Don’t miss the sequel, the 2008 Summer Movie Preview II coming Friday, June 9th.
Doing her best ‘Jodie-Foster-from-Taxi-Driver‘ impression for a Vanity Fair photo shoot, the fun ride down the road to debauchery begins with another celebrity peaking as a teen. At this point the only thing left she hasn’t done is porn.
Our little girl is growing up so fast.
This also exposes the funny laws we have. For example:
Vanity Fair soft porn picture of 15-year-old = Art.
Same picture on your hard drive = criminal indictment.
And what kind of sex talk about a celebrity minor and soft porn would be complete without the lawmakers themselves?
Florida’s politicians decide to bring up a bill Sunday to ban fake bull testicles from cars and trucks. I go into the hairy details over at Radioactive Liberty, but it seems we are a little obsessed over how well-hung our bumpers are.
So now there is testicle envy? Yes, and I cite this example:
Fake balls on politicians/lawmakers = Legal
Fake balls on cars = Illegal
It all makes sense now.
*Have you made your guess about the Polygamist Cult’s DNA test results yet? Make sure you get over to the DNA betting post and make your call in the comments section. More then or less then thirty fathers?*
Humor-blogs.com doesn’t show skin or testes but rather funny humor blogs.
Well once again one of my favorite shows, Jericho gets the axe. Unlike Sliders back in 2000, Jericho will have an actual wrap-up ending tonight at 10pm on CBS. Sliders ended with a cliffhanger and the fans never forgave Sci-Fi Channel.
I have a feeling fans will feel the same way about CBS
Looking back at their actions, I think CBS had no intention of a third season. They didn’t support it, have no similar shows to cross-promote with it, and was in a horrible time slot. If anything CBS looks good because it put the pressure on the fandom to promote Jericho.
It also doesn’t help that Nielsen’s rating system sucks. It is archaic and severely under-reports viewership. What boggles my mind is that we have the ability to track everything people watch through the cable and satellite tv receiver boxes. But the networks do not want this because it will expose the house of cards television ratings are.
To be fair Jericho was a cerebral show but it also was about conspiracies. I figured the lack of trust people have in their government would have brought more fans to the show. But I think it was just too smart.
But in the end fans got played. I learned my lesson a year ago with Associated Content and having to self-promote content. CBS wanted the viewership to be the marketing department and that never works. Look, I have a degree in Marketing and I will be the first to say word-of-mouth advertising is over-rated. It is nice and all but in a competitive industry repetitive promotion is the only way to get noticed as well as stay in the front of people’s minds. You need advertising dollars and you need a lot of them.
So fellow Jericho fans, enjoy tonight and think good thoughts about the show. We got twenty-nine great episodes and a dynamic premise. We got the show renewed last year, something rare in the world of cancellation. And we got a show that I think had better acting and writing then we would have gotten from a lesser network like Sci-Fi or USA.
I also apologize for the lack of funny. Go re-read yesterday’s post for the chuckles.
There is the list of the Ten Smartest Shows and the Ten Dumbest Shows. So where are the shows for the humor lovers? Angry Seafood is here to help with our official list of the television shows we think are the funniest.
2. Seinfeld
No list of funny television shows is complete without this one, the show about nothing. The soup nazi…festivus…and of course the infamous scene below all make up one of our favorite tv choices in the humor department.
The oddest thing is for like the first two seasons nobody watched it. Amazing what a table change at a diner will do for ratings. The series finale was an interesting way to try and tie up all the loose ends but it gave you the sense it became less about nothing and more about something.
5. South Park
It is rare that a show can be so offensive and funny yet be so dead-on when it comes to topicality, twisting current events on their head. In the end, they joke about messages but there really is one in every episode we can all learn from. Awwww
7. SCTV
Unless you grew up in Canada you probably missed out on one of their best humor exports Second City Television. Starring many of the comedians you know and love like John Candy, Rick Moranis, and Eugene Levy, it was about a local tv station with their own form of programming like ‘Shoot at the Stars’ and ‘Doug and Bob McKenzie’ which later turned into the movie Strange Brew.
8. Happy Days
Life in the 50’s sure was cool except for that time Richie told Fonzie to ‘Sit on it’.
“In my office Cunningham!”
Times sure have changed since the 1950’s. The cool guys don’t live above people’s garages anymore. Those places are reserved for the creepy bloggers like me.
Without Happy Days there would have been no Laverne and Shirley, Mork and Mindy, the phrase ‘jumping the shark‘, or Fonzie’s Place.
And where the hell did Chuck go?
10. Wings
Tv.com calls this 90’s under-rated sitcom Cheers 2 which might be a compliment. I don’t agree but you can’t beat a combination of good acting and good writing along with funny guest stars like Gilbert Godfrey and James Handy.
The other five shows I didn’t bother with. They really weren’t that good anyways.
Visit Humor-blogs.com because they love television humor.
And potty-mouths. And they are funny.
Finally the Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull trailer came out. A ‘teaser’ version just three months before the film debuts? C’mon Paramount you can do better then that. I guess the full trailer will be out May 22.
It looks pretty good but you can already tell there will be lots of jokes about how old Indy is. And if they were going to bring back Karen Allen, why not John Rhys-Davies?
Global Warming Killed Nessie
“I was hoping that since Al Gore won his precious Nobel Prize, and is now the King of the Environment the global warming talk would have settled down. Not so fast, because the moonbats are at it again…”
Read all about the latest exploits and shenanigans of the Gorebull Warming backers in my Thursday guest post at Radioactive Liberty.
Who was your first celebrity crush?
So what famous hottie had you gluing macaroni onto construction paper in the hopes it would somehow get their attention?
Funny how if you try that at age six it is cute. Do it when you are 35 and it precedes a restraining order.
After being canceled last spring, Jericho was rescued thanks to an impressive ‘bring back the show’ campaign by the fans and 50,000 pounds of nuts sent to CBS headquarters in New York. For once the execs listened and a second season was green-lighted.
Tonight Jericho returns at 10pm on CBS with seven new episodes, just in time to counter the abysmal choices on television. If you love post-apocalyptic sci-fi this is the series for you. Heck, even if you don’t like the genre you should check it out.
So what is Jericho? The show in a nutshell…
And just when you think it can’t get any better it does starting tonight. The Season Two preview…
If that doesn’t get you pumped for tonight’s premiere, then make sure you view the first five minutes of tonight’s episode.
One thing I like about the second season is that they filmed both a cliffhanger ending and an actual ending for episode seven. Like most fans, I hate when shows don’t get the chance to have closure. So no matter what, we won’t be left high and dry not knowing the fate of the citizens of Jericho.
I do not know why I decided to throw away .000000000000001% of my life but I watched ‘Tin Man’, the SciFi Channel’s re-invention of the classic ‘Wizard of Oz’. I also did not know that the writers for the channel must have gone on strike months ago judging by the storyline.
I would warn you about spoilers ahead but that is like warning someone you are about to give away the twist in ‘Curly Sue’. (She dies by the way. Sorry)
Dorothy is now ‘DG’, short for Dorothy Gale. The tin man was found inside armor, but doesn’t wear metal. The Lion is now telepathic and is named ‘Raw’ as in “rahhhhh!” The Scarecrow looks like a Goth version of Ducky from Pretty in Pink. The suckitude gets worse so hang in there.
DG, it turns out is the original Dorothy’s daughter brought up on Earth by robot parents designed to be nurturers or something like that. The evil witch is actually DG’s sister and runs the dimension. The tornadoes are actually portals from Earth to Oz. The plot actually gets worse.
Oh yah and they call it ‘The Oh-zee’.
Toto is some black dude who has the ability to shape-shift, but he is actually a tutor. No, I don’t mean someone of a certain rank of regal-ness, but rather her teacher. ‘Toto’ was the cute name DG called him when she was a child and lived in Oz. Take a wild guess what animal he turns into most often.
The Wizard is still around but he’s crazy and being played by Richard Dreyfuss.
Our heroine is the only one who knows the way to the super emerald which controls the world I guess or something dumb like that. The Wizard has the tin man on his side to make sure she saves the day, and the witch has Black Toto on her side making sure DG makes it to the crystal.
They do other cutesy things like calling the Yellow Brick Road the ‘brick route’ for example. Asking for this crap to not be on television is like asking for macaroni and no cheese. No pun intended. Ok, yes it was.
I guess SciFi was out of ideas for a new Dune sequel.
Nothing says funny like a good parody and surprisingly there are not a lot of Star Wars versions. Here are my top three.
#3 Family Gus Star Wars Episode
I really liked this one and to be honest I was expecting much worse. The show in it’s second run isn’t as funny but this episode was a masterpiece.
#2 Spaceballs
The classic Star Wars parody that is still funny twenty-plus years later. Say the line ‘funny, you don’t look druish’ and someone will know what you are referring to.
There is a commentary by Mel Brooks on the anniversary DVD which is not to be missed. I know, usually they are boring but this one is funny.
#1 Star Wars III: A Lost Hope
How the hell is this number one? Many reasons including the fact it came out four months before the movie was released. To do a parody without knowing the plot and getting most of the storyline right is masterful. The pregnancy test, ‘No I am your baby’s daddy!’ line are just more reasons why this one beats them all as best Star Wars parody.
It is inevitable that there will be Star Trek films made well into in the future. I think even if we all blew each other up with nukes, the humans in 2130 would then act them out using sticks and stones. Einstein said we would be fighting in this way in World War Four. He never dreamed we would put on a rendition of a Star Trek sequel instead.
So I figure at some point I will get to write a Star Trek script. I must be prepared. Not only should I have a plotline in mind, but I have to be sure to cover ground my predecessors have not walked upon.
I give you ‘Star Trek XXXVI: The Search for and Wrath of Chekhov’
Catchy isn’t it? The name rolls off your tongue like the finest box wine.
The movie opens at the Interstellar Space Retirement Mobile Home Park. The crew of the Enterprise is sitting around on the bridge discussing something important.
Picard: “What is your favorite cover song? Number One your answer?”
Number One: “I think we should bat this around with the crew first.”
Worf: “The Klingon Code requires that I do not answer that question.”
Picard:” Code? I don’t understand.”
Worf: “It is a long-standing tradition….”
Twenty minutes later he finishes rambling and the question comes to Data.
Data: “I have processed the various frequencies and variations of the minutia as well as the minutiae and have determined the subsequent coaxial of the variables…”
Picard: “Your point?”
Data: “I believe I can remake any song as the ultimate musical masterpiece.”
Picard: “Show me.”
So they load Neo up and everyone runs in to the control room to see him fight Morpheus…hold on wrong movie sorry.
Data plays his remake of Anita Ward’s ‘Ring My Bell’. Horrific screeching and banging fill the air. The crew’s ears are bleeding.
Chekhov suddenly jumps up and yells “They have creatures…in our ears!” and runs out the bridge door screaming and clutching his ears. He arrives at an unguarded airlock and proceeds to jump out into space, perishing instantly. While doing so, some very expensive computer hardware got sucked out as well. This was at the worst time because the starship payment was due next week. The last thing the crew needed was to shell out more money. Their social security checks barely cover the bills as it is.
To make matters worse, the transporter was one of the pieces of equipment and everyone knows how much of a pain in the ass it is to land a starship. If the bathrooms were to fail, for example, they would be screwed.
Chekhov’s remains land on the Genesis planet, where he regenerates and grows up all over again. This time however he is subjected to non-stop repeats of ‘Umbrella’ and the chorus of ‘Big Girls Don’t Cry’ sung in French by an off-key tenor. This drives him mad causing him to head up an evil reign of terror in the universe.
Meanwhile, the crew of the Enterprise gets wind of this news and heads to the Genesis planet. They want their money back and are one pissed-off crew. Starfleet also hears about it and sends a ragtag bumbling group of misfit cadets to investigate the situation.
The cadets get to the Genesis planet but being that they always screw things up, get taken hostage by Chekhov and his not-so merry band of followers, Bavarian midgets angry at Da Man.
Chekhov makes it a point to put grub worms in their ears. He wanted scary ones that would dig in their ears and possess their mind but the local conditions are not good for that kind of species. He did however grow the grubs to be four feet long.
Of course this would cause the host to explode instantly once it burrowed into the ear canal, which isn’t good for Chekhov’s cause. Killing the hostages doesn’t help leverage. But Starfleet doesn’t know this and he takes advantage of their ignorance.
The Starfleet Hostage Reclamation Team shows up and engages Chekhov in a starship battle. In the middle of all this the Enterprise shows up with all kinds of police and lawyers.
During the climactic finale, Chekhov sneaks onto the Enterprise after eating Taco Bell and clogs every toilet on the starship. He is caught and arrested after an epic gunfight.
The battle then moves to the courtroom where it drags on and on for centuries.
In the end the lawyers have all the money, Starfleet files for bankruptcy, the case is dropped by reason of insanity and the Enterprise is still waiting for their insurance claim on the lost equipment and the transporter to be processed. They also have to pee really really bad.
Everyone that writes comedy or humor has something cooking in their brain for television or the big screen. Howard Stern had his pay per view specials. The old New Year’s Eve ones were classics. Bobcat Goldthwait had his sitcom about a puppet only one person can hear. I really think that one was some kind of metaphor for masturbation but I have a twisted and devious mind.
If you think I am exaggerating about that fact then strap in.
My concept is a reality show in the hidden-camera genre, niche, whatever. Most of these are always either played on a celebrity or a few ‘average Joes’. Many of them also involve some kind of funny gag that everyone but the target is in on. I want to try a different approach.
‘The Cringe’ is a hidden camera show where instead of a joke or a gag, the attempt is made to make the situation uncomfortable and awkward. Not only that but the ‘joke’ if you will, is played on a group of people, like at least 20-30.
Watching a person react to a practical joke is interesting, but group dynamics are much more fun to observe, especially when you throw cringe moments into the mix.
My first segment would be at an airport. Passengers of a flight are repeatedly being told that the flight is delayed. Each delay is just five or ten minutes, but happens so often it gets the passengers angry and irate. This builds until they start demanding free things like tickets, or hotel rooms, or food and drink.
In most airports these days there are television monitors and there is a good chance it will be on some news channel. A fake report is run, breaking news that a plane has crashed in the ocean ten miles from the airport. It is said to be the flight number everyone is waiting for and complaining about being late.
This of course ends with the revealing of the joke, balloons and confetti dropping from the ceiling and a marching band entering the scene from stage left. This is how each segment ends, by the way.
My other situation would be ‘100-Year-Old Birthday’. The scene is a restaurant, and there is a table of ten people, one of whom is celebrating his 100th birthday. The servers all gather up a bunch of customers and everyone goes over to sing happy birthday as a cake is brought out. Just as the old man blows out the candles, he dies and his head drops into the cake. Of course he doesn’t really die, but you get the idea.
I am even toying with the notion that he jumps up thirty seconds later and yells: “Surprise!”
The only thing left is a host of the show. I wonder if I could use a hologram of Che Guevara. I think the humanitarian aspect he brings to the table could temper, no pun intended the edge of ‘The Cringe’.
Or I could get him mad which would lead to his ordering people to face the firing squads. Now that would be cringe television and reality-based at the same time.
Prepare for the summer movies that suck! Well most will but hey, I haven’t even seen these films yet. Like my severe avoidance of green beans, which I actually have never tasted, I judge which flicks are good and bad based on two minutes of a trailer and in most cases common sense.
Miley Cyrus finally turned the corner and 
So what famous hottie had you gluing macaroni onto construction paper in the hopes it would somehow get their attention?
Everyone that writes comedy or humor has something cooking in their brain for television or the big screen. Howard Stern had his pay per view specials. The old New Year’s Eve ones were classics. Bobcat Goldthwait had his sitcom about a puppet only one person can hear. I really think that one was some kind of metaphor for masturbation but I have a twisted and devious mind.
