Category — Television & Movies

If you are a Lost fan like myself, you were surprised to see Martin Keamy, the leader of the mercenary soldiers from the freighter and the guy who killed Ben’s daughter Alex in the sixth episode of this season.

Of no surprise is the fact he’s still a bad guy but with a fetish for a certain breakfast staple.

And he shows up in Sayid’s flash sideways no less. So we know how that kind of thing will turn out…

[Video Link]

Keamy has, or should I say had an unhealthy obsession with eggs. Does he have stock in the industry?

Maybe if he didn’t have all that bad cholesterol he would not have bled out as quickly.

I am glad he is dead or he might try and push his unhealthy diet on me…wait I think I hear something…

I guess dead doesn’t mean dead off the island. Umm no thank you.

No thanks. It’s like two in the morning. And if you are thinking of making me poached eggs I am not a big fan of them.

Holy crap I just said I don’t like poached eggs! I don’t want any eggs.

That’s it!

BLAM!

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Why can’t it be May 7th already?

The new trailer for Iron Man is out and it looks frigging awesome.

We get to see more of Whiplash, War Machine, the evil robots, a potential long-term antagonist, and general bad-assery.

Oh, and something really really cool right near the end…

Isn’t that new fold-up suit awesome? In the early days of the Iron Man comics he used to carry it around like a briefcase so that was a nice nod to the original.

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Promises something for everyone…

Imagine the Love Boat but there are whores and more alcohol then Isaac could humanly serve ever. There are more fights then the Oasis brothers have had in their lifetime.

And they are all going to Australia:

Violence, drunkenness and all manner of debauchery featured on a six-month voyage on a migrant ship bound for Australia 170 years ago, a newly discovered diary reveals.

The raunchy tale of anarchy on the high seas is recorded by a junior officer, James Bell, aboard “The Planter” which sailed to Adelaide from Deptford in east London in 1838.

In the green vellum-bound journal, Bell tells how the captain regularly entertained two of the 11 daughters of a doctor-preacher from Liverpool called McGowan.

He wrote: “our captain of course could not want a mistress till he returned to his own in England, but made love to two of McGowan’s daughters … The Capt was allowed to keep the daughters company at all hours, and during the whole time of our being in warm weather our bed on deck sufficed for all three.”

Bell, whose 225-page diary goes up for sale at auction in London next month after being bought in a market stall for a pittance, said his crew were no better.

“Such an example was soon followed up by all the ship’s company but particularly by the three mates (who) carried immorality to a glaring height.”

Bell told how they blatantly took up with a band of prostitutes in search of a better life in the colonies.

If that ship was the Pacific Princess Captain Stubing would be sleeping with two of Doc’s eleven daughters. Vicki and Julie would be leading a band of prostitutes and taking up with some of the other officers. Gopher would be throwing down with Ace, whose arrival signals the jumping of the shark moment of the voyage by the way.

Bell summed up the Debauchery Boat the best, however when he said:

“With all this whoring and drunkenness, it is amazing this ship ever arrived in Australia.”

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Angry Seafood is offering a free whore when you join the fan page. Okay, I can’t necessarily guarantee a free whore but you will get these posts on your Facebook Wall if you do join.

Every Lost fan has their theory on what they think the show is about but rarely does anyone ever try and make sense of the main conflict of the show and how it will be resolved: Locke vs. Jack.

I think what will happen first is a “pawn rebellion”. Jack and the Losties will finally realize they are all being conned by Jacob and Smokey’s game and will break off into a third faction.

The Others will be forced to join them because they are afraid of jeopardizing the whole destiny list thing.

Since Smokey does not have Jacob to keep him in check, he will probably try to kill everyone on the island. Jack will lead everyone in the fight to stop the Nemesis and fight him one-on-one in some way.

And just when things look the bleakest, in comes the cavalry, a.k.a. Desmond to help ensure the victory for team Jack.

So what do you think will happen?

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It’s finally here. Season Six of Lost. Just eight more hours. Now I remember what Christmas Eve was like as a kid.

Oh man I think the clock is slow.

Eventually it will be 9 pm, then 10, then 11 and we will be left with sixteen hours remaining for the show. Let’s try not to think about that part right?

By the way, starting next week Angry Seafood will be doing a Lost post every Wednesday during Season Six.

So a lot has happened in five seasons. These guys explain it all in five minutes:

[Video Link]

Some are worried all the anticipation and hype will lead to disappointment. There is no need to be concerned. I’ve seen the first hour of “LA X” and it was mind-blowing.

It even answered some questions for a change. But there are still a million more, as noted by the Fine Bros:

[Video Link]

Questions I have:

Is there more then one smoke monster?

I suspect there is. Maybe one is male, one female and they have little Smokey kids. ABC could do a cute cartoon spin-off called Smokey Knows Best.

What are/were the whispers?

Rumor has it that because ABC spends so much on Lost they can’t afford a really good sound editor. The whispers cover up people talking on the set when the cameras are rolling. After the fourth season ABC hired Christian Bale and the whispers sound effect was  no longer needed.

True story.

Does the series end with a crane shot zooming out to the reality that everyone on the island was in fact a midget?

Now that would be a weird ending, making even David Lynch crap his pants.

I guess we will see tonight if my questions will be answered. Enjoy the premiere fellow Lost fans. I know I will.

Oh and if you think you have a theory on anything to do with Lost, executive producers Cuse and Lidelof want to hear from you…

[Video Link]

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Coming Wednesday: The interview with John Mason from the independent film Old Man.

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There is the list of the Ten Smartest Shows and the Ten Dumbest Shows. So where are the shows for the humor lovers? Angry Seafood is here to help with our official original list of the television shows we think are the funniest.

Except there’s only five.

[UPDATE: The rest of the list revealed in part two of Top Ten Funniest TV Shows. ]

2. Seinfeld

No list of funny television shows is complete without this one, the show about nothing. The soup nazi…festivus…and of course the infamous scene below all make up one of our favorite tv choices in the humor department.

The oddest thing is for like the first two seasons nobody watched it. Amazing what a table change at a diner will do for ratings. The series finale was an interesting way to try and tie up all the loose ends but it gave you the sense it became less about nothing and more about something.

5. South Park

It is rare that a show can be so offensive and funny yet be so dead-on when it comes to topicality, twisting current events on their head. In the end, they joke about messages but there really is one in every episode we can all learn from. Awwww

7. SCTV

Unless you grew up in Canada you probably missed out on one of their best humor exports Second City Television. Starring many of the comedians you know and love like John Candy, Rick Moranis, and Eugene Levy, it was about a local tv station with their own form of programming like “Shoot at the Stars” and “Doug and Bob McKenzie” which later turned into the movie Strange Brew.

8. Happy Days

Life in the 50’s sure was cool except for that time Richie told Fonzie to “Sit on it“.

“In my office Cunningham!”

Times sure have changed since the 1950’s. The cool guys don’t live above people’s garages anymore. Those places are reserved for the creepy bloggers like me.

Without Happy Days there would have been no Laverne and Shirley, Mork and Mindy, the phrase “jumping the shark”, or Fonzie’s Place.

And where the hell did Chuck go?

10. Wings

Tv.com calls this 90’s under-rated sitcom Cheers 2 which might be a compliment. I don’t agree but you can’t beat a combination of good acting and good writing along with funny guest stars like Gilbert Godfrey and James Handy.

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I do not know why I decided to throw away .000000000000001% of my life but I watched ‘Tin Man’, the SciFi Channel’s re-invention of the classic ‘Wizard of Oz’. I also did not know that the writers for the channel must have gone on strike months ago judging by the storyline.

I would warn you about spoilers ahead but that is like warning someone you are about to give away the twist in ‘Curly Sue’. (She dies by the way. Sorry)

Dorothy is now ‘DG’, short for Dorothy Gale. The tin man was found inside armor, but doesn’t wear metal. The Lion is now telepathic and is named ‘Raw’ as in “rahhhhh!” The Scarecrow looks like a Goth version of Ducky from Pretty in Pink. The suckitude gets worse so hang in there.

DG, it turns out is the original Dorothy’s daughter brought up on Earth by robot parents designed to be nurturers or something like that. The evil witch is actually DG’s sister and runs the dimension. The tornadoes are actually portals from Earth to Oz. The plot actually gets worse.

Oh yah and they call it ‘The Oh-zee’.

Toto is some black dude who has the ability to shape-shift, but he is actually a tutor. No, I don’t mean someone of a certain rank of regal-ness, but rather her teacher. ‘Toto’ was the cute name DG called him when she was a child and lived in Oz. Take a wild guess what animal he turns into most often.

The Wizard is still around but he’s crazy and being played by Richard Dreyfuss.

Our heroine is the only one who knows the way to the super emerald which controls the world I guess or something dumb like that. The Wizard has the tin man on his side to make sure she saves the day, and the witch has Black Toto on her side making sure DG makes it to the crystal.

They do other cutesy things like calling the Yellow Brick Road the ‘brick route’ for example. Asking for this crap to not be on television is like asking for macaroni and no cheese. No pun intended. Ok, yes it was.

I guess SciFi was out of ideas for a new Dune sequel.

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Nothing says funny like a good parody and surprisingly there are not a lot of Star Wars versions. Here are my top three.

#3 Family Gus Star Wars Episode

I really liked this one and to be honest I was expecting much worse. The show in it’s second run isn’t as funny but this episode was a masterpiece.

#2 Spaceballs

The classic Star Wars parody that is still funny twenty-plus years later. Say the line ‘funny, you don’t look druish’ and someone will know what you are referring to.

There is a commentary by Mel Brooks on the anniversary DVD which is not to be missed. I know, usually they are boring but this one is funny.

#1 Star Wars III: A Lost Hope

How the hell is this number one? Many reasons including the fact it came out four months before the movie was released. To do a parody without knowing the plot and getting most of the storyline right is masterful. The pregnancy test, ‘No I am your baby’s daddy!’ line are just more reasons why this one beats them all as best Star Wars parody.

Honorable mention: Hardware Wars. Part One Part One
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It is inevitable that there will be Star Trek films made well into in the future. I think even if we all blew each other up with nukes, the humans in 2130 would then act them out using sticks and stones, like Einstein predicted.

I figure at some point I will get to write a Star Trek script so I must be prepared. Not only do I have a plotline in mind, but I will cover ground my predecessors have not walked upon.

I give you Star Trek XXXVI: The Search for and Wrath of Chekhov

Catchy isn’t it? The name rolls off your tongue like the finest box wine.

The movie opens at the Interstellar Space Retirement Mobile Home Park. The retired crew of the Enterprise is sitting around on the bridge discussing something important.

Picard: “What is your favorite cover song? Number One your answer?”
Number One: “I think we should bat this around with the crew first.”
Worf: “The Klingon Code requires that I do not answer that question.”
Picard: “Code? I don’t understand.”
Worf: “It is a long-standing tradition….”

Twenty minutes later he finishes rambling and the question comes to Data.

Data: “I have processed the various frequencies and variations of the minutia as well as the minutiae and have determined the subsequent coaxial of the variables…”
Picard: “Your point?”
Data: “I believe I can remake any song as the ultimate musical masterpiece.”
Picard: “Show me.”

So they load Data up and everyone runs in to the control room to see him fight Morpheus…hold on wrong movie sorry.

Data plays his remake of Anita Ward’s “Ring My Bell”. Horrific screeching and banging fill the air. The crew’s ears are bleeding.

Chekhov suddenly jumps up and yells “They have creatures in our ears!” then runs out the bridge door screaming. He arrives at an unguarded airlock and opens it, pulling him and everything around him out into space. He is killed in the process.

Some very expensive computer hardware got sucked out as well, including the transporter. Everyone knows how much of a pain in the ass it is to land a starship so if for example, the bathrooms were to fail the crew of the Enterprise would really be screwed.

This was also at the worst time because the starship payment was due next week. The last thing the crew needed was to shell out more money. Their social security checks barely cover the bills as it is.

Chekhov’s remains land on the Genesis planet, where he regenerates and grows up all over again. This time however he is subjected to non-stop repeats of “Umbrella” and the chorus of “Big Girls Don’t Cry” sung in French by an off-key tenor. This turns Chekhov insane, driving him to head up an evil reign of terror in the universe.

Meanwhile, the crew of the Enterprise gets wind of this news and heads to the Genesis planet. They want their money back and are one pissed-off crew. Starfleet also hears about it and sends a ragtag, bumbling group of misfit cadets to investigate the situation.

The cadets get to the Genesis planet but being that they always screw things up, get taken hostage by Chekhov and his not-so merry band of followers, Bavarian midgets angry at “Da Man”.

Chekhov makes it a point to put grub worms in their ears. He wanted scary ones that would dig in their ears and possess their mind but the local conditions were not good for that kind of species. He did however genetically enhance the grub worms to be four feet long.

Of course this would cause the host to explode instantly once it burrowed into the ear canal, which isn’t good for Chekhov’s cause. Killing the hostages doesn’t help leverage but Starfleet doesn’t know this and he takes advantage of their ignorance.

The Starfleet Hostage Reclamation Team shows up and engages Chekhov in a starship battle. In the midst of all this the Enterprise shows up with all kinds of police and lawyers.

During the climactic finale, Chekhov sneaks onto the Enterprise after eating Taco Bell and clogs every toilet on the starship. He is caught and arrested after an epic gunfight.

The battle then moves to the courtroom where it drags on and on for centuries.

In the end the lawyers have all the money, Starfleet files for bankruptcy, the case is dropped by reason of insanity and the Enterprise is still waiting for their insurance claim on the transporter to be processed. They also have to pee really really bad.

Fade Out

Everyone that writes comedy or humor has something cooking in their brain for television or the big screen. Howard Stern had his pay per view specials. The old New Year’s Eve ones were classics. Bobcat Goldthwait had his sitcom about a puppet only one person can hear. I really think that one was some kind of metaphor for masturbation but I have a twisted and devious mind.

My concept is a reality show in the hidden-camera genre, niche, whatever. Most of these are always either played on a celebrity or a few ‘average Joes’. Many of them also involve some kind of funny gag that everyone but the target is in on. I want to try a different approach.

The Cringe is a hidden camera show where instead of a joke or a gag, the attempt is made to make the situation uncomfortable and awkward. Not only that but the ‘joke’ if you will, is played on a group of people.

Watching a person react to a practical joke is interesting, but group dynamics are much more fun to observe, especially when you throw cringe moments into the mix.

My first segment would be at an airport. Passengers of a flight are repeatedly being told that the flight is delayed. Each delay is just five or ten minutes, but happens so often it gets the passengers angry and irate. This builds until they start demanding free things like tickets, or hotel rooms, or food and drink.

In most airports these days there are television monitors and there is a good chance it will be on some news channel. A fake report is run, breaking news that a plane has crashed in the ocean ten miles from the airport. It is the flight that is late.

This of course ends with the revealing of the joke, balloons and confetti dropping from the ceiling and a marching band entering the scene from stage left. This is how each segment ends, by the way.

My other situation would be “100-Year-Old Birthday”. The scene is a restaurant, and there is a table of ten people, one of whom is celebrating his 100th birthday. The servers all gather up a bunch of customers and everyone goes over to sing happy birthday as a cake is brought out. Just as the old man blows out the candles, he dies and his head drops into the cake. Of course he doesn’t really die, but you get the idea.

I am even toying with the notion that he jumps up thirty seconds later and yells: “Surprise!”

The only thing left is a host of the show. I wonder if I could use a hologram of Che Guevara. I think the humanitarian aspect he brings to the table could temper, no pun intended the edge of The Cringe.

Hollywood needs me.