Politics/Religion

Welcome back everyone to Cable Local Access Channel 23’s final day of political humor coverage of the 2008 Bull Moose Crap Party Convention. It is a big day today as John Nobody, the party’s nomination for President is about to give his acceptance speech. Since this campaign began John Nobody was a breath of fresh air into the elections, offering sound ideas and solid rhetoric that America wants to hear. I’m getting word John is about to take the stage…we’re going live…what’s he’s already speaking?…God damn even NPR radio is more professional….and I really have to stop leaving my mic on…

…unlike Don Lewis who is pro-bestiality.

America we have a financial crisis and our leaders in Washington are doing nothing but protecting their cronies without any regard to your debt. Don Lewis’ plan for economic recovery is actually a copy of Chris Cameron’s plan to help the homeless.

I’m here to tell you that all changes when I am elected. After talking with many expert economists and people in the financial industry I have determined that there is one solution: drop a couple of zeroes from our currency. No longer will your credit card debt be $8,000. With my ‘Rollback the Prices’ pledge, that burden becomes $80, something any family can manage.

With my pledge credit will free up and we will be able to get more loans to buy whatever we like. Restaurants like Applebee’s will be able to continue to open new locations across the street from every Chili’s and down the road from every Denny’s until every American is able to eat out for breakfast, lunch, and dinner three times a day, seven days a week. Everyone will be able to buy a home again, no money down.

The American Dream will be realized on my watch, I can promise you.

America we have an energy crisis. The winter months are coming and the price of home heating oil remains high. Many will be unable to afford to stay warm. Washington is not worried because they claim Global Warming will solve this problem. Of course Don Lewis, the candidate of last resort, wants to pay for everyone to have sweaters as a solution to energy policy.

Plaid sweaters no less.

I say this is frivolous at best. Don doesn’t tell you where the money will come from and during these tough times the last thing Americans need are more taxes to pay for Don’s clothing welfare programs. If I am elected I pledge everyone will get coupons for a three-pack of wool socks from WalMart and it will cost the taxpayer nothing*.

America it is time for strong leadership not rhetoric about hot women in the White House or plaid clothing welfare programs. Don Lewis will dress you up like an extra in a Scottish Highlander Games entertainment troupe but he won’t put food on your table. He won’t even buy you bagpipes.

I’m John Nobody and I will put food on your table. Nobody knows what America needs. Nobody will work for you in Washington.

Good day and God bless America.

[Balloons fall from the ceiling as the crowd exploded in cheers and applause. LOBO gets on stage with a midget and a monkey.]

*The US government is not liable if the coupons expire before all mailings are completed.

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Come back Monday for the exclusive Bloggers Speak interview with Uncle Beau from the humor blog The Nothing Report.

Did you miss LOBO’s historic Vice-President acceptance speech?

Humor-Blogs.com does not endorse a particular Presidential candidate but they do have funny blogs that you can vote on. Now that’s democracy in action.

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This week’s political humor column at Radioactive Liberty is full of angst and biting sarcasm over the Bailout Bill passed by the Senate yesterday. At least it’s funny.

‘What’s Not to Love about the $700 Billion Dollar Bailout Bill‘ is a look at how much the Emergency Economic Stabilization Act of 2008 will help our economy, as long as everyone buys solar panels and donates books to charity. I’m not kidding. Or am I?

(Sometimes this announcement post beats the column publishing, so check back later if it is not there right away.)

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You’ve read LOBO’s speech yesterday accepting the nomination for Vice-President. Tune in Friday for John Nobody’s Presidential Nomination Acceptance Speech.

Humor-Blogs.com is not radioactive and I’m not too sure about the liberties they take over there, but they do have a ton of funny blogs.

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Hello everyone and welcome back to Local Cable Access Channel 23’s exclusive coverage of the 2008 Political Election Humor season. We are live at the Bull Moose Crap Party’s convention in the former Astrodome in Houston.

For those of you just tuning in, John Nobody was officially finalized as the Presidential candidate for the party earlier this afternoon and his acceptance speech will be on Friday.

But the big news today has been the Vice Presidential candidate. He or she is scheduled to give their acceptance speech any minute now but who it will be has yet to be announced. All we know is that Capt. H.M. “Howling Mad” Murdock from the 80’s tv show The A-Team will be giving the introduction, and that…wait a minute folks…I’ve just been told that Murdock is…already giving his speech??!! We’re going live right now…man this station is a hackarama…oh sorry is my mike still on?

…our economy is like B.A. Baracus. It doesn’t want to get on that plane. But this Vice President wants to help knock out our economy in order to get it on that plane.

I give you the next Vice President of the United States of America and running mate of John Nobody…LOBO!

[cheers and rabid applause]

It is my pleasure

My fellow Americans.

YES! In your face, Diesel! Hahaha!! WooHOO!!!

[*ahem*]

I stand before you both humbled and exhilarated as John Nobody’s choice for Vice Presidential running mate.

I looked it up: it turns out to be a pretty important gig. An important gig consisting of long, long hours and hard work.

And after careful consideration I’ve decided to forgive John and except this nomination anyway. This country -in a time of great crisis- indeed needs new and dynamic leadership. Leadership like Bruce Willis circa Armageddon leadership … You know like when they crashed one of the spaceships on the asteroid and Steve Buscemi went loopy and started shooting stuff with a machine gun? At a million dollars per pound in fuel, why exactly did they bring a machine gun -complete with a tripod- to an asteroid?

Alright forget I said anything about Armageddon. How about Bruce Willis as officer John McClane in Die Hard. Eh? Now there’s a movie where Bruce Willis coulda used a machine gun complete with a tripod. And some shoes.

You know what? Let’s forget I said anything about Bruce Willis entirely. I am more like that much-needed machine gun -except unlike in Bruce Willis movies I am there when you need me. In fact, I’m more like attaching your machine gun to a loyal dog that is always at your side. Yeah. A loyal and bulletproof robot dog, that has super speed, incalculable strength, and X-Ray vision.

That can fly.

Yeah.

[cheers and applause as John Nobody joins LOBO on stage. "Crazy Train" begins to play.]

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Don’t miss the continuing coverage of the 2008 Political Humor Election season with John Nobody’s Bull Moose Crap Party Presidential Nomination Speech on Friday. Nobody can fix the economy.

Did you miss yesterday’s US Voter Jokes? What are you waiting for?

Humor-blogs. com has funny blogs and I’m pretty sure there are no lolcats. Let me know if you find any so I can post them. Those things are so darned cute. I’m going to go throw up now.

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When I started writing this on Thursday afternoon the deal had been struck. There would be a $700 billion dollar bailout of the financial institutions. Talk about a Ninja mortgage!

But I thought they weren’t going to rush it? Lloyd “Johnny Donuts” Doggett (D-Tex) even said this Wednesday:

“This notion that we would approve this bailout-700 Billion-today or tomorrow is irresponsible.”

Then they go and almost agree on it the next day. Maybe Lloyd meant the tomorrow after Tuesday not Wednesday.

Henry “The Wop” Paulson was very concerned about our feelings of course during the meetings leading up to the deal:

“The American people are angry about executive compensation and rightfully so.”

When there is a crisis you want people who are experts in their field. Let me tell you Paulson is an expert, to the tune of $163 million dollars in total pay as CEO of Goldman Sachs in 2006 . If anyone knows about over-compensation it is him. I hear Richard “Shifty” Fuld is also available for any future meetings or summits.

At the same meetings, Fed Chief Ben “the Bull” Bernanke tried to reassure us:

“We don’t know what the long-term cost or benefit will be. But it is certain to my mind that if there is some loss, it will be much less then $700 Billion. It will be a percentage of that.”

Can someone please remind Ben that percentages can be above 100%? And when it comes to the government you usually start at 100% and work your way up.

“It’s not an expenditure it is an acquisition of assets.”

That sounds to me like we are buying assets. Maybe we can take out a sub-prime loan to pay for it.

George “Lefty” Bush spelled it out clearly on Wednesday night in hopes a deal would be done quickly:

“Without immediate action by Congress, America could slip into a financial panic and a distressing scenario would result.”

He also left out the original ending of that speech:

“But hey good luck with all of this, I’m outta here in a couple of months. Now if anybody needs anything I’ll be in Crawford. God Bless America. Yeehhaaahhhhh!!!”

Then on Thursday afternoon the wishes of the financial leeches were realized when Chuck “The Greaseball” Schumer, Chris “Whitey” Dodd, and Barney “Shady” Frank had a press conference to announce the deal. See when you get nearly $27 million dollars in campaign contributions from financial companies you get to be the one that goes in front of the cameras with the news. That’s called a perk.

Barney Frank by the way really gets the short end of the stick, no pun intended when it comes to campaign contributions. Schumer and Dodd got about 5-6 times more money then Frank. Hell, even Deborah “Nails” Pryce got almost $400,000 more then him and nobody knows who the hell she is.

He really needs to ask for a raise.

So here we are hours later, and the deal is off. The billions of dollars companies like Lehman Brothers, AIG and other financials poured into the politicians’ campaigns of everyone on the banking committees of the House and Senate were for nothing.

Good thing too because all of us almost took on another $2,300 each in debt in one day. It was the equivalent of being expected to put out after being taken on a first date to McDonald’s then to the crappy movie Babylon A.D.

At least buy us lobster and steak. And use a lubricant.

(All quotes are from the USA non-online version, Thursday Sept 25^th edition. Mafia nicknames are not.)

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Tune in Monday for another funny interview, this time with Uncle Beau from the humor blog The Nothing Report.

Humor-blogs.com is a democracy. Go there to vote for funny blogs, especially this one.

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When the world gives you the talent and lack of any kind of checks and balance system for your ego, it’s always good to give something valuable back to the world. Unfortunately, my weekly political humor column every Thursday at Radioactive Liberty is not it. Still I press on…

This week’s column is ‘Political Humor Starts with Crisis, Ends with History‘ and it is my usual smart-ass viewpoint on the banking crisis and how much the politicians want to help us out. Enjoy.

(Sometimes this announcement post beats the column publishing, so check back later if it is not there right away.)

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Find out about the humor of working at a carnival in the latest ‘Rewinding the Eighties’ column.

Tune in tomorrow as Angry Seafood enjoys a day at Oktoberfest.

Humor-Blogs.com is not radioactive and I’m not too sure about the liberties they take over there, but they do have a ton of funny blogs.

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Since John Nobody announced his candidacy for President against Don Lewis here on Angry Seafood Wednesday, the internet has been buzzing with activity over the news.

Chatrooms are busy. Forums are going nuts. Everyone is talking about the newest addition to the 2008 Presidential race. Even the mainstream media is picking up on the mania. Here is a Channel 3 News report on John Nobody’s unexpected meteoric rise to contender:

When it is time to vote in November, remember only Nobody will care. Nobody will do what you want unlike Don Lewis. He wants you to wear plaid.

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Humor-blogs.com does not support Presidential candidates but they do have a ton of funny blogs and you can vote for them as well as the humor of Angry Seafood too. Democracy has never been this funny.

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Angry Seafood always looks for Presidential candidates with a sense of humor in their politics but rarely do we find any. Their best jokes of course have to be saved for the back rooms of their elite social circles because they know we would be offended.

Pelosi: “Hey Dick, you know how to get a one-armed U.S. voter out of a tree?”
Cheney: “I don’t know Nancy, how?”
Obama: (interrupting) “Wave!”
Clinton: “God damn it Barack, always stealing people’s thunder!“

It is clear we need real change in Washington, not the make-believe stuff Obama and McCain are spoon-feeding us like Gerber babies while they act like children themselves.

We need someone in the Oval Office who will listen to our concerns. We need a leader who will keep their campaign promises. We need a President who cares.

Barack Obama is not that man. John McCain is not that man. But there is someone who has answered the call for change, for hope, for a great future. Ladies and Gentlemen, it is my pleasure to introduce to you, someone who is that man, our next President of the United States, John B. Nobody!

Thank you Chris and everyone from this humor blog, Angry Seafood, for your support. My campaign funding would be nowhere without the generosity you have shown in the name of the great values we hold dear as well as democracy.

In these important and critical times America needs better political leaders and choices then Barack Obama and John McCain. I am that better choice. Why choose an old man or an empty suit when you can have a Nobody?

America needs something better then what the Democrat-Republican Party can offer us. I can wrap McCain up in new paper but he’s still an old smelly fish. I could put lipstick on Obama but that won’t make his rhetoric sound prettier.

I am that fresh fish that looks good without makeup.

But this election is not about seafood or lip gloss, it really is about Don Lewis, the Presidential Candidate for the Plaid Union Party. His ideals and beliefs threaten to undermine the very fabric of what we hold dear and tear apart the fibers of our nation’s being. We are all cut from the same cloth, yet Don wants to untie that. The media fails to confront him on this issue, and when they do, he simply skirts the question.

Don Lewis wants to make plaid our national dress code.

Sure, they can make a burlap sack look hot but that doesn’t mean I want a President that will make sure that plaid is our national dress code.

Plaid people. Plaid.

Remember what happened when someone pushed Spandex onto the mainstream masses without any regard for who would actually be wearing the clothing material in public?

This is why my campaign will focus on defeating Don Lewis and save this country we all love from horrific pictures of Elvis Impersonators’ Camel Toes. With your help, and your support, I, John Nobody will be your next President and bring real change to the White House.

And if I lose I will do so with dignity. And blame it on Bush.

Good day and God Bless America.

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Don’t miss the first Presidential Debate between Don Lewis and John Nobody on Thursday September 25 at Radioactive Liberty.

Humor-blogs.com does not support Presidential candidates but they do have a ton of funny blogs and you can vote for them as well as the humor of Angry Seafood too. Democracy has never been this funny.

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The political humor continued at the DNC this week and of course, Angry Seafood is here to point it out.

Before the funny begins, I would like to say congratulations to Barack Obama for being the first African-American to win a party’s Presidential nomination. It truly is historic. I’m not saying I’m going to vote for him or stop making fun of him because that is how I roll.

But not Obama-roll.

Hmm perhaps that delegate is thinking about getting some of that brown sugar. I can’t blame him. I wouldn’t throw Michelle out of bed for eating crackers that is for sure, no pun intended of course. Yah, I know, I went there.

Actually now that I think about it the guy in the lower center seems to be looking in a certain direction as well. The Democrat delegates sure are horndogs.

Well I guess that explains Dennis Kucinich’s behavior the other night at the Democratic National Convention.

I believe the old saying “Do as I say not as I do” applies here.

All the celebrities were out in full force for the DNC including Charlotte Ray, a.k.a. Mrs. Garrett from the 80’s hit television show Facts of Life, who gave an inspiring speech to the delegates of the Democratic National Convention Wednesday.

He had to do it, and I think Clinton has redeemed himself and is ready to reclaim his mantle as the first ‘Black President’.

Democrats are the ‘working’ party‘? They can’t even protest without taking a break.

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