“Okay. The first day on my vacation, what I did on my summer vacation, the first day on my vacation, I woke up. Then, I went downtown to look for a job. Then I hung out in front of the drugstore. The second day on my summer vacation, I woke up, then I went downtown to look for a job. Then I hung out in front of the drugstore.”
“Sister Mary Elephant”
~Cheech & Chong
I know technically I wasn’t on a vacation. That actually comes up next month. Camping trip with some family members, one person I know, and a bunch of strangers (to me). Should be a lot of fun.
Writing this stuff really is a lot of hard work so I like to take breaks, especially when there is a big lull in the internet activity. Oddly enough though, my traffic was pretty constant. The funny part was that it was way down for a few days right after I announced my ‘vacation’. My break was still like two weeks away. That was my fault as I must have confused everyone with a crazy un-bloglike move of advanced warning of a pause in new content. I kid I kid.
It was all your fault.
Blaming others for my shortcomings always makes me feel better. Go ahead and try it out yourself. Blame something bad that happened in your life on me since I blamed a temporary drop in readership on you. I am all about fairness after all.
Felt good to blame me didn’t it? Keep it up and nothing will ever be your fault, leading to a much happier and healthier life. Before you know it you will be blogging care-free in Starbucks like the hippie moonbats.
No need to thank me. Just don’t blame all your problems on me. Spread it around.
With my good deed of the day now in the books, here is what is coming up soon on Angry Seafood. Yah I know, there’s another unblogish move- planning. Sorry. And I mean that apology with all sincerity.
On Monday is the latest edition of ‘Bloggers Speak’ and I am honored to interview Kevin from Pointless Banter. He is a very funny humor blogger as well as a social media expert and I have been a huge fan of his work since I started my own site over a year ago. Don’t worry, I didn’t ask him any boring blog promotion questions.
The people new to the blogsphere reading this are probably screaming: “WHY DIDN’T YOU ASK HIM THAT STUFF CHRIS!!??”
This is a humor blog. You don’t go to CNN for midget porn so why would you come here for interviews about stuff like SEO and getting the most out of your Digg account? I don’t do that stuff here.
Wednesday brings the debut of a new feature -‘Rewinding the 80’s’. I’m not sure how often I will do these but I grew up during the 1980’s and I’ve been dying to put my funny spin on that weird decade.
Thursday is the day for my usual weekly political humor column over at Radioactive Liberty. Unless something big comes up the topic will be the abysmal public approval ratings of Congress.
Sometime in the near future I also will be doing a guest post for a soon-to-be vacationing blogger you all know and love, Brent from Ominous Comma. It is a challenge though because I will have to write blue (no profanity or vulgarities like talking about Bavarian midget hookers). No worries.
I will be going with the topic of explaining the differences between words mistakenly used in place of each other, in a funny way of course. My last one was Envy vs. Jealousy. If they taught kids English this way they would love learning it. I should have been a teacher.
Down the road there are some more ‘Bloggers Speak’ interviews too with Sinister Dan from The Reasonable Ego, Chelle B. from The Offended Blogger, and Fiar from Radioactive Liberty. If you are a humor blogger and would like to be interviewed drop me a line through my contact page.
Also up ahead I’ve got another installment of ‘The Cringe’, the August edition of the Summer Movie Preview, a rant on people who do the ‘fake running for President’ thing, and other topics I will think up along the way.
Until Monday, here’s another contact juggler to make fun of…
If you think I’ve got a funny blog, then click the link and vote for me. If you don’t that is alright. Just remember the last ones that did not follow my advice missed out on a million dollars in prizes.
Angry Seafood is on vacation this week and during the break we take a look back through the archives. Today’s Best of is about some of my favorite political humor posts over at Radioactive Liberty, the other blog I write for.
This was a tough one to do because there are nine months of weekly columns to choose from. Like having many children it isn’t good to have a favorite but this isn’t a nursery.
What initially was a run-down of various methods Hillary could have used to get elected when all hope was lost became a parody of a classic scene from Godfather I in the final draft.
A Massachusetts state senator spends the afternoon groping and propositioning women, allegedly of course. I couldn’t resist with this post.
On a side note, Marzilli is officially charged with annoying someone. His lawyer plans on challenging it on the basis that the annoyance law doesn’t apply to both genders. Yup, a guy who sexually harasses women in public might get off scot free.
Not only are humans killing the planet by creating more CO2 but fictional beings as well. Expect the “Climate Change Kills Santa, Christmas” headline any day now.
Angry Seafood is on vacation this week and during the break we take a look back through the archives. Today’s Best of is the short story about wishes and modern business.
Enjoy.
Clang!
The shovel rang out as it hit an object buried in the backyard where I was digging the hole for the new in-ground swimming pool I envisioned going nicely with my new deck. I stopped for a moment, and then gingerly pried it from its resting spot. It was a bottle of some kind and covered in dirt and grime but I could make out a label of some kind faintly beneath the earthen buildup.
I used the bottom of my t-shirt to remove the gunk but it was stubborn. I rubber harder on the bottle and suddenly smoke and mist poured out. An olive-skinned man then appeared in from of me.
“Hello I am the genie of the lamp.” he said with a thick Indian accent.
“You don’t look like a genie.”
“Yes, these days the customer service portions of the genie industry are outsourced but I assure you I am American.”
“That is not an American accent.”
“Sure it is.”
“Fine. Whatever” I muttered as I looked the man over. “What about your turban and the vest?”
“I have three other customers on hold right now, do you want the wishes or not?”
“Sure.”
“You get three.”
“Ok, I want to be rich for starters.”
“Done” The genie snapped his fingers. “Look in your wallet.”
I nervously reached into my back pocket. I was disappointed when I saw the billfold was empty. “Umm what happened? There isn’t any money in here.”
“The license.”
I examined my driver’s license, and sure enough the name on it was Richard Cameron. “I didn’t mean literally.”
“Oh I am so sorry.” The genie snapped his fingers “Fixed.”
I looked again at my license and it was back to normal. “So we understand each other, when I mean rich…”
“I am sorry, I failed to mention turning you back into Chris required the use of your second wish, leaving you with one more. Use it wisely.”
“Wait, you screwed up not me”
“I am sorry, I failed to mention turning you back into Chris required the use of your second wish, leaving you with one more. Use it wisely.”
“Do you even understand what I am saying?”
“Yes.”
“Then why did that cost me a wish?”
“You have one more wish. Use it wisely.”
I sighed as I tried to be clearer this time. “I want a million dollars! Pennies from heaven, that whole thing.”
“Done.” The genie snapped his fingers one more time. “It has been a pleasure doing business with you, good day.” Snapping his fingers one last time, he disappeared. No sooner had he vanished when pennies began raining down from the sky. I ran for cover on the porch and watched the backyard slowly fill up with what I assumed were one hundred million coins.
Angry Seafood is on vacation this week and during the break we take a look back through the archives. Today’s Best of is a tale of the difficulties in choosing a patio deck.
Enjoy.
So I am building a deck. I know, some of you right now are thinking: “Chris, you live in an apartment”. Oh so I can’t build one?
Anyways, I go to the Super Hardware Store Megaplex to look at the wonderful advantage of this new-fangled plastic desk surfacing that lasts much longer then wood I have been hearing so much about. No staining, no sanding. If you chip the ‘wood’ anywhere, it’s the same color under the surface.
But then the decision gets difficult. A saleswoman asks me what color I want.
“What are my choices?”
“Well, there’s grey…” She pointed to a cheery lady with a clipboard at a desk in a well-lit area of the store.
“Grey? Sounds like a lame color.”
“Sir, it’s the most popular.”
“What about brown?”
“You want brown?”
“Yes, you know, like the color decks are usually stained in?”
“But grey is what everyone else wants.”
“Except me, I’d like brown please.”
“Fine, Come with me.” She huffed away annoyed but at least I was getting a brown deck.
I followed her as we traversed the back of the store, down the stairs, and into the underground labyrinth of the building. Working around pipes, mice, and homeless vagrants, we arrived at what looked like the boiler room.
“This is for brown.” She said, opening the door and shoving me inside where I faced a crotchety old man standing behind a desk. The door slammed shut behind me.
“So, you want brown eh?” He stared me up and down. “Who sent you here?”
“Um, I’m just buying a deck.” I sensed his mistrust. “I didn’t like the idea of a grey colored deck, so I guess here I am.” This convinced him I assumed.
“Good to hear!” The old man smiled. “Let me get the Tome.”
“Um, do you mean tome as in a book with a lot of pages?”
“Precisely!” he replied with glee slamming the book to the desk, causing a cloud of dust to burst out in all directions. “This is the Tome of Brown. It holds all the possible choices of tones of the color for your deck. Choose wisely.”
“Don’t you carry the normal brown color?”
“We don’t have JUST brown, there are many shades. There is light brown, medium brown, maple, sorta-dark brown, medium-but-also-light brown, chestnut brown, light…”
This patio-themed reenactment of the classis shrimp scene in ‘Forrest Gump’ went on for about six minutes until finally I had enough. “I think maybe, I want gray after all.”
“You’ll be sorry!” The curmudgeon shook his aged fist and arm at me as I hastily made my exit.
I arrived back at ground level and there was Ms. Grey, ready to set me up with my patio surfacing needs.
“Ok, I’ll take the hot, popular color.” I said, accepting my fate.
“That is an excellent choice Mr. Cameron if I do say so myself.” she said as she pointed to the Tome of Grey. “Now, what shade would you like? We have many to choose from.”
Clang!
So I am building a deck. I know, some of you right now are thinking: “Chris, you live in an apartment”. Oh so I can’t build one?
