Bloggers Speak

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25 Jun

Bloggers Speak: LOBO from Predator Press

Posted on 2008 under Bloggers Speak | 9 Comments

Welcome to ‘Bloggers Speak’ the on-going Angry Seafood feature where I sit down with other humor bloggers and ask them a bunch of crazy and odd questions. Today I am joined by LOBO from Predator Press and this time around there’s a bit of a political/geo-political angle.

How’s it hangin’ LOBO?

Wow I’m glad you brought that up. It’s actually tanning in the backyard, and I forgot to set the egg timer.

Worst movie trilogy of all time?

Honestly, I can’t thing of a good one. Lord of the Rings maybe? Fifteen nonstop hours of little teeny bigfoots obsessed with jewelry seems rather grueling. Middle Earth needed a ‘hood’:

Frodo: “Yo man, Golem just lifted my bling.”

Sam: “Aight. We’ll go pop a cap in his ass after that tight Aerosmith babe crosses over us on this here rickety wooden bridge one more time. Did you know Rivendell has eighty-seven translations for ‘panties’?”

Frodo: “Word.”

Is Canada still an active country?

I just checked a satellite image and it appears to still be just north of us, exactly where it was when I was in Geography class.

-At this point I would conclude that it isn’t going anywhere.

Who was funnier, Hitler or Che?

Neither. In fact those guys we so un-funny, they grew mustaches in advance so we couldn’t even “funny them up” on the posters.

Mao. Now that’s a guy with a great sense of humor.

Van Halen question- Sammy or Dave?

Dave Dave Dave Dave Dave. “The best parties are the ones where you are the least interesting person there.” Without Dave, I’m sure ‘Mammoth’ would’ve been a good band, but that’s all. Dave did the guerilla marketing to get Van Halen on the map, and completely reinvented the live performance. Those slurry licks trailing out on Drop Dead Legs still give me goose bumps, and I never would’ve heard ‘em if not for Dave. Sure maybe he was a jerk. But he had a vision and ran with it; Sammy merely drove off with in the trunk at 54 mph.

Which celebrity would you curse with a plague and why? (Can’t answer Ryan Seacrest or anyone from American Idol)

Paris Hilton and/or what’s-her-face from “A Simple Life.” I don’t like a premise that revolves around rich flakes making fun of the working class. It’s sickening. I keep hoping there’s an episode where Charlize Theron pounces out and beats them both to death with a tire iron. And while plagues are nice, freezing them in liquid nitrogen to chip off small pieces while squishing your toes in the goo seems more gratifying.

Would invading Panama to take back the Canal help oil prices?

When Panama was released by Van Halen in 1984 –circa David Lee Roth I might add- vinyl records were made of oil. But the experience of producing my Spanish Fly Industrial Complex CDs revealed that oil is still required for production no matter how unpronounceable the country your sweatshop is located. And once Paris Hilton’s pager goes off, well, you do the math.

Someone makes the discovery that semen can be used as an alternative fuel source. Good or bad for the porn industry?

Well that’s just good for everybody.

Thanks for taking the time to hang out with Angry Seafood. Any final thoughts LOBO?

Well thanks for having me; I’m a big fan. And special thanks to Al Gore for making this moment possible; the creation of the Internet has given us something that will one day doubtlessly be regarded as a giant Evolutionary step, and the unmatched ability to instantly communicate with the other side of the planet rivals telepathy. This will alter the species. Thanks to Gore’s invention, we can now more efficiently harvest our beloved planet to the husk of every succulent last morsel via satellite, move and track the resources by vigilant computers using tightly-followed timetables, and calculate the diminishing supply against the search for other worlds deserving of our Enlightened Control.

And always remember: Use pornography for good. Never evil.

LOBO’s question for the readers:

Was that my egg timer going off?

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16 Jun

Bloggers Speak: Don Lewis from ‘Its a Funny Thing’ pt. 2

Posted on 2008 under Bloggers Speak | 4 Comments

Last week we brought you the first half of the funny interview with Don Lewis from ‘Its a Funny Thing’. Here is the second half in which Don waxes poetic about things like music and his secret for success in life.

Van Halen question- Sammy or Dave?

Sammy without a doubt. Diamond Dave gave us such banalities as “Hot for Teacher” (like who wasn’t?) and “Ice Cream Man” (Just what age group is he singing this to anyway?). But Sammy presents us with important societal protests. “I can’t drive 55″ and “Finish What Ya Started” come to mind, and who can forget “Cabo Wabo”:

“…Come on, let me take you down

I will show you around

Let me take you down

Face down in Cabo

kissing the ground.”

Gives me chills.

If you could create a polygamist cult what would be your first rules and the reasons for said rules?

Rule one: Vasectomies. This puts paid to the whole “It’s for procreation” wheeze, and allows for the selection of wives based on merit. And swimsuit competitions.

Rule two: None of the women will be allowed to speak to, or even see, one another. I find it hard enough to win an argument with one wife. I see no benefit in being gang-nagged.

How are the sales of Le Bloc going?

Unfortunately inventory has taken a serious hit. (See firewood above.) We still have a fair supply of Das Stic around (about 10,000 acres) and we’re getting ready to release the latest DONCO product: Los SawDust. (An excellent bread flour extender and pre-sale transmission additive.)

Why does Billy Corgan from Smashing Pumpkins often sound like a mewing kitten trying to sing edgy music?

When I was a grad student in the early Proterozoic, I developed a system that would allow me to get excellent grades even when my professors would ask my opinion about subjects with which I was totally ignorant. The system worked so well that I left those schools not only with degrees, but also with many suspicious and possibly obscene Latin words appended to the end of my name. And all this despite the fact that I left knowing far less than when I went in.

The system still serves me well and I recommend it highly to those going on with their education. It consists of three parts.

One, always hint to having a more intimate knowledge of the specific subject then that of the questioner.

Two, disagree with the opinion of the questioner.

and Three, allow yourself to be slowly converted to the questioners opinion by their sheer brilliance.

So, back to your question:

I’m not sure I can agree with you about Billy Corgan’s (”Binky” to those of us who used to party with him on Chicago’s south side.) vocal limitations.

On the other hand, you obviously know your music and you are a brilliant word-smith. Perhaps you’re right. Yes, I’m sure of it.

Thanks for taking the time to do this Don. Any final thoughts?

I just want to thank Angry Seafood for allowing me the opportunity to participate. I know that I have a tendency to ramble on and on, and that this Q and A session was quite a bit longer than those that have come before. I really appreciate that I wasn’t placed under some artifical word count in presenting my thoughts, and that Chris C. didn’t feel the need to limit my replies. It’s just such give and take that

Don’s question for the readers:

When a man wears a kilt sans underwear, wouldn’t “Going Battalion” be a better choice of words?

If you would like to be interviewed hit me up and we will make it happen. My only requirement is that you actually be funny and you have a blog. Boring interviews don’t make for good ones around here.

Click here to go to the funniest humor blog directory on the internet. They even have a version for computers.

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9 Jun

Bloggers Speak: Don Lewis from ‘Its a Funny Thing’ pt. 1

Posted on 2008 under Bloggers Speak | 11 Comments

Welcome to yet another edition of Bloggers Speak where I sit down with bloggers of the humor kind and ask them funny questions. In the past they were always easy, like a Katie Couric interview because the idea was to showcase the interviewee. The new version now has better questions and less of them as well as longer answers.

This edition’s victim is Don Lewis from ‘Its A Funny Thing’ who took the ball and ran with it when it comes to longer answers. He did so well this became a two-parter, the second half posting next Monday. Enjoy.

How’s it hangin’ Don?

At the present, it isn’t. In point of fact, it’s retracted. I’ve run out of firewood, and global warming has been something of a disappointment here in Northern Idaho. But it’s only the middle of June, the snow falls aren’t sticking, and I’m sure that by August, warmer weather and gravity will improve things reproductive-organs-wise. Thanks for asking.

What would be the funniest way to die?

An understanding of relative point of view is vital in matters like these. The reader and I might have a completely different take on the hilarity of death, depending on which of us is dead. And since ‘funny’ requires not only an objective condition (i.e. death), but is also extremely dependant upon presentation, it is essential that I, as a highly trained and professional humor writer, not die, so as to be able to present your death in the most appealing and humorous way possible. In this collaborative effort, if you do your part, I’ll do mine.

For example: Let’s say that you and I meet on a busy street. You have, clutched in your entirely unworthy hand, a winning lottery ticket worth 300 million dollars. In your natural exuberance, you make the fatal error of informing me of your good fortune. Having never liked you beginning at that moment, I, despite the sudden realization of just what a pig you really are, magnanimously congratulate you with the “Hip-Shot of Friendship,” accidentally propelling you into the path of a speeding truck.

Despite being unsure of how life-threatening your injuries might be, I still do what I can, perhaps by performing an emergency tracheotomy with a handy bit of broken grill, fender, or if necessary, chunk of asphalt. At the same time, being a good neighbor, I work diligently to secure your valuables in the unlikely event that you recover.

Now you, lying there with a chunk of road-rock lodged in your throat, probably are unable to see the humor in this situation. For that reason alone you deserve to die. But I promise (while sailing my new yacht off the coast of Barbados with Jessica Alba at my side) to laugh at you frequently.

Worst movie sequel ever made and why?

‘Leprechaun - Back 2 Tha’ Hood’

Even the name sucks. Substituting a number for a preposition; a weak attempt at ebonics; and the suggestion that leprechauns have some kind of ghetto roots…even the opening title tells you you’re doomed. This, the sixth straight-to-video presentation in the Leprechaun series, narrowly beats out Leprechaun in Space (number 4) for worst of the bunch, but LIS is still better because I’ll watch anything with Debbe Dunning in it. Other than supplying Warwick Davis with continued condo payments until he hit it big in Harry Potter as a goblin, and as an innovative new definition of black Irish, the movie has no redeeming qualities at all. I watch it frequently.

If you could create your own court procedural drama what would it focus on?

Sharia Law. We’re talking evil women in burkas with saucy eyebrows tempting the Righteous. And amputory traffic fines. Can’t lose.

Don’t miss the thrilling second half of Don’s interview where he reveals his secret system for success coming Monday, June 16.

f you would like to be interviewed hit me up and we will make it happen. My only requirement is that you actually be funny and you have a blog. Boring interviews don’t make for good ones around here.

Click here to go to the funniest humor blog directory on the internet. They even have a version for computers.

If you enjoyed this post, make sure you subscribe to my RSS feed!

30 Apr

Bloggers Speak: Johnny Virgil from Fifteen Minute Lunch

Posted on 2008 under Bloggers Speak | 3 Comments

Welcome to another edition of “Bloggers Speak” where Angry Seafood interviews the authors of humor blogs. We are joined today by Johnny Virgil from Fifteen Minute Lunch.

Chris: Welcome to the feature Johhny. How are you doing?

Johnny Virgil: I’m good. But where the hell is everyone? My agent told me I’d be reading for the part of “interested onlooker.” I’ll work for scale. Who are you again?

C: Why is haiku dumb?

JV: I don’t think all of it’s dumb. Read some japanese death haiku sometime. Some of it can be very moving. Sorry, I know this is supposed to be funny.

C: Your thoughts on Cinco De Mayo.

JV: I haven’t thought about Cinco De Mayo in…well, never, actually. I know one thing about it, and that one thing is that I get to wear jeans to work on that day, so whatever the hell it is, I’m all for it.

C: Great taste or less filling?

JV: Jeez, where are you getting these questions from? 1993? I’d have to go with less filling, because Miller Light is basically club soda filtered through old college fraternity carpets. And anything that you *don’t* drink has to be less filling than something you do, right?

C: Who do you think is the ugliest US presidential candidate and why?

JV: Wow. That’s a tough one. I’d say it’s a toss up between McCain and Hillary. McCain is older, but Hillary clearly has the bigger penis. Truthfully, she freaks me out a little. Case in point:

hilugly01

C: What are monkey punchers and what bothers you most about them?

JV: It’s a term for idiots with computers. “Monkeypunchers” are the kind of people who are stupid enough to click on the dumb flash ads that are on every web page you see. You know, the ones where there are buttons for choices, but they don’t actually do anything but take you to the same lame web page, no matter which one you click on? These types of people have computers that are generally so full of spyware, adware and viruses, that even though the computer is brand new, it has all the speed of my grandfather in the bathroom after thanksgiving dinner.

C: What did you do with the riches from one of your posts going viral?

JV: I made about $200 - all from donations from other people who were forced to (or chose to)wear similar clothes in the 70’s. I spent it all on vintage clothes. When nobody is around I put them on and do The Shuffle in my living room.

C: Why would someone name their child Rainbow?

JV: I have no idea. I guessit beats naming your kid “Refracted Light.” I guess if maybe you were a huge Ritchie Blackmore fan. Or gay. Or a gay hippie. Or maybe a gay hippie Ritchie Blackmore fan.

C: Che Guevara, evil or misunderstood?

JV: I’m going to have to go with “misunderstood” based on this unreleased footage of Che and Fidel...

(*Editor’s Note: The embed code still isn’t working but hopefully the link above should send you to the funny video which is a great addition to the answer*)

C: Thanks a lot for taking the time to do this interview Johnny. Any parting thoughts?

JV: The guy who said “a bird in the hand is worth two in the bush” hasn’t been putting his bird in the right bushes. Let’s go with that.

Johnny’s question for the readers: Don’t you people have things to do? How many of you are reading this at work? And more importantly, Is your company hiring?

Humor-blogs.com is home to Fifteen Minute Lunch and other
funny humor blogs. Visit there or die a horrible death.