Angry Seafood

Welcome to another edition of “Bloggers Speak” where Angry Seafood interviews the authors of humor blogs. We are joined today by Johnny Virgil from Fifteen Minute Lunch.

Chris: Welcome to the feature Johhny. How are you doing?

Johnny Virgil: I’m good. But where the hell is everyone? My agent told me I’d be reading for the part of “interested onlooker.” I’ll work for scale. Who are you again?

C: Why is haiku dumb?

JV: I don’t think all of it’s dumb. Read some japanese death haiku sometime. Some of it can be very moving. Sorry, I know this is supposed to be funny.

C: Your thoughts on Cinco De Mayo.

JV: I haven’t thought about Cinco De Mayo in…well, never, actually. I know one thing about it, and that one thing is that I get to wear jeans to work on that day, so whatever the hell it is, I’m all for it.

C: Great taste or less filling?

JV: Jeez, where are you getting these questions from? 1993? I’d have to go with less filling, because Miller Light is basically club soda filtered through old college fraternity carpets. And anything that you *don’t* drink has to be less filling than something you do, right?

C: Who do you think is the ugliest US presidential candidate and why?

JV: Wow. That’s a tough one. I’d say it’s a toss up between McCain and Hillary. McCain is older, but Hillary clearly has the bigger penis. Truthfully, she freaks me out a little. Case in point:

C: What are monkey punchers and what bothers you most about them?

JV: It’s a term for idiots with computers. “Monkeypunchers” are the kind of people who are stupid enough to click on the dumb flash ads that are on every web page you see. You know, the ones where there are buttons for choices, but they don’t actually do anything but take you to the same lame web page, no matter which one you click on? These types of people have computers that are generally so full of spyware, adware and viruses, that even though the computer is brand new, it has all the speed of my grandfather in the bathroom after thanksgiving dinner.

C: What did you do with the riches from one of your posts going viral?

JV: I made about $200 - all from donations from other people who were forced to (or chose to)wear similar clothes in the 70’s. I spent it all on vintage clothes. When nobody is around I put them on and do The Shuffle in my living room.

C: Why would someone name their child Rainbow?

JV: I have no idea. I guessit beats naming your kid “Refracted Light.” I guess if maybe you were a huge Ritchie Blackmore fan. Or gay. Or a gay hippie. Or maybe a gay hippie Ritchie Blackmore fan.

C: Che Guevara, evil or misunderstood?

JV: I’m going to have to go with “misunderstood” based on this unreleased footage of Che and Fidel...

(*Editor’s Note: The embed code still isn’t working but hopefully the link above should send you to the funny video which is a great addition to the answer*)

C: Thanks a lot for taking the time to do this interview Johnny. Any parting thoughts?

JV: The guy who said “a bird in the hand is worth two in the bush” hasn’t been putting his bird in the right bushes. Let’s go with that.

Johnny’s question for the readers: Don’t you people have things to do? How many of you are reading this at work? And more importantly, Is your company hiring?

f you would like to be interviewed hit me up and we will make it happen. My only requirement is that you actually be funny and you have a blog. Boring interviews don’t make for good ones around here.

Humor-blogs.com is home to Fifteen Minute Lunch and other
funny humor blogs. Visit there or die a horrible death.

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Welcome to another edition of “Bloggers Speak” where Angry Seafood interviews the authors of funny blogs. We are joined today by Renal Failure, Humor-Blogs.com directory member and also contributor to the online humor magazine ‘The Clay Pigeon’.

Chris: Welcome to the feature Renal Failure. How are you doing?

RF: Why do you ask? What have you heard? Oh God, it’s pancreatic Swayze cancer, isn’t it? Damn it, why couldn’t it have waited until after the release of the new Batman movie?

C: Ok, I have to ask, what is up with all the characters? I need a scorecard to keep track.

RF: I have a wide circle of friends. They’re drawn to me, like pretentious hipsters to a thrift shop. Anyway, it can’t be that hard to keep track of the characters. I think they’re clearly defined. Tina the Lesbian is the lesbian. Bernie the half-cyborg cat is the cat. Ninja Vicki is the Peter Cetera fan. Simple stuff.

C: What can change a substance into an entirely different substance?

RF: Tag Larkin. By sheer force of will.

C: Great taste or less filling?

RF: Great Taste and more filling. That’s how I like my Boston Kreme donuts. Filling is tasty, why would I want less of it? You know what people would want less of? Sudden infant death syndrome. That’s what people really want: Great taste and less babies found dead in their cribs.

C: If you could vote any Movie Star or Singer as President, who would it be?

RF: Gary Busey. He has a lot to teach us as human beings, not just as Americans. And he will pull a knife on you.

C: Does Psycho Dave have any more mundane ideas to sell to India?

RF: No, mundane experiences were last year. This year Psycho Dave is currently negotiating to export “goth” to India to fill their goth teen deficit. And by negotiating, I mean he calls up the local Indian take-out place and curses at them.

C: Why does the sun never set on the British Empire?

RF: Because the queen is always in motion, always a step ahead of the setting sun. Sort of like the end of the movie Little Monsters.

(Editor’s note: If anyone was wondering the actual punchline to that joke is: “because God doesn’t trust the Birtish in the dark.”)

C: Who is Tag Larkin and why does he go all out?

RF: Tag Larkin is inevitability. Tag Larkin is a force of nature. Tag Larkin is the sum of a cosmic equation too complex for our primitive minds to understand.

As to why he goes all out, I believe this was answered in our post Tag Larkin Goes All Out: because Tag Larkin is still trying to impress his late father, for whom nothing was ever good enough. And that’s how Tag Larkin prevented Tagg Romney’s father from being the Republican nominee for President. By going all out, and playing by his own rules, and answering to nobody.

C: Why should US invade Canada?

RF: For cheap pills. I’d like the cocktail of pharmaceutical wonder-capsules I take on a daily basis that prevent the Virgin Mary from convincing me in her husky Kathleen Turner voice to throw acid in people’s faces to be just a little more affordable. Because if I have to choose between paying the high-speed internet bill and buying the drugs that keeps the screaming to an acceptable minimum, I’m going to choose the one that gives me adorable kitten videos.

C: Thanks a lot for taking the time to do this interview RF. Any parting thoughts?

RF: Anyone can relay true stories to an audience. It takes talent to tell them entertaining and funny lies.

RF’s question to the readers: What Renal Failure character would you like to spend the day with?

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Welcome to another edition of “Bloggers Speak” where Humor By Angry Seafood interviews the authors of funny blogs. We are joined today by Humor-blogs.com member and also one of the founders of the new online humor magazine ‘Clay Pigeon’ Frogster from The Frog Bog.

Chris: Welcome to the feature Frogster. How are you doing?

The Frogster: Ahem. Hah-hem! MA MAY MEE MO MOO MO MEE MAY MAAOOOAAOOO. Test test test. Hem! Hah-hem! Hooooaaaaaccchhh- wait, are we on?

C: Your thoughts on the Ides of March.

TF: As a stereotypical Pisces, I’ve given the Ides of March a great deal of thought. After, that is, the cops talk me off the bridge, because I am, after all, a stereotypical Pisces. The whole Ides of March is just bad PR. Sure, the Ides of March has featured some unfortunate events, such as Liz Taylor marrying Richard Burton, Hitler invading Czechoslovakia and the NFL’s Cardinals moving to Arizona. But we’re overlooking a reason to celebrate this wonderful day- the birth of Fabio Lanzoni, international supermodel and author of three titallating novels, Pirate, Rogue and the inimitable Comanche. The Ides March to their own drummer, and he is simply beautiful.

C: Great taste or less filling?

TF: See, Chris, this is what’s wrong with the world today. we’re all locked into this black/white, right/wrong, Yankees/Red Sox mindset. Beverages are not a zero-sum game. I don’t see why we can’t be happy with reasonably good, somewhat filling beverages.

C: How did the male enhancement go?

TF: Well, when I enhanced myself, I had pretty high hopes. I started feeling pretty manly, but my wife was somehow unimpressed. I don’t get it. I’m running around biting the tops off of beer bottles, shaving with a rusty axe and filling the air with my natural male pheremones, but no lovin’. I thought chicks dug that kind of stuff.

C: There is a steel cage wrestling match between Hillary Clinton, a small grizzly bear, a mime, and John McCain. Tell us what you see.

TF: Hmm. If it was a large grizzly bear, or Ron Paul instead of McCain, this would be an easy question. With the four participants listed here, I see the mime performing the “trapped in a box” routine and the other three tearing themselves to pieces trying to escape. This is the power of the mime, and the fear of that power is what drives comics to take such pleasure in skewering this particular life form so completely.

C: I ate lard today-can I still call myself a Vegan?

TF: In my experience, you can call yourself a Vegan any time you feel the need. They’re usually pretty easy.

C: How do they change tires so fast at a NASCAR race, are the lugnuts attached to the rims somehow?

TF: They don’t get changed fast. That’s all trick photography. The problem is, no one could ever bear to sit in the sun watching cars go around in circles for four hours if they were sober. So, since every member of the live audience has no recollection of the race afterwards, there is no one that the television stations, always looking for that extra bit of excitement, needs to be accountable to.

C: What do you do about “The Annoying Guy” at work?

TF: I ask him if he’d like to read the latest copy of “The Watchtower” when I’m done with it.

C: When did you first discover all the similarities between yourself and Brad Pitt?

TF: Ah, yes, you’ve heard. My first clue was that night Jennifer Anniston stood on my lawn holding a boom box above her head playing Peter Gabriel’s “In Your Eyes” over and over and over. I couldn’t get any sleep until I turned the sprinkler on her.

C: Thanks a lot for taking the time to do this interview Frogster. Any parting thoughts?

TF: When do I get my complimentary “Angry Seafood” skateboard sticker? I need to make my board a little more dope.

The Frogster’s question to the readers: I’m a student of the human equation, and in my quest for knowledge, I’d like the readers to fill in the blank: “If loving ______________ is wrong, I don’t want to be right.”

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Welcome to another edition of “Bloggers Speak” where Angry Seafood interviews the authors of the sites on Humor-Blogs.com as well as others with funny blogs.

We are joined today by Humor-Blogs.com member The Ominous Comma and it’s founder Brent.

Chris: Welcome to the feature Brent. How are you doing?

Brent: Have we started yet? I know I only get eight questions and I don’t want to waste this opportunity by picking a lame one.

C: Your thoughts on Presidents’ Day.

B: As far as I can tell, only the four living ex-presidents actually get this day off. Everyone else has to work. Much like the perversely named Veterans Day, where actual veterans like myself have to prop up the economy with gainful employment so that school children can celebrate this meaningful event with patriotic rounds of all-day video games.

C: What’s creepier-Huckabee’s evil eyes that can’t look at you or Ron Paul’s fanbase?

B: I cannot overstate the importance of having a solid fan base. If you attempt to blow as much hot air as these politicians do without a sufficient anchoring mass, you will end up on your backside addressing “My fellow chandeliers.” In addition, let me say that….I’m sorry, what was the question?

C: Great taste or less filling?

B: Both. People with great taste and esthetic refinement tend to frequent blogs with high originality, low filler content, and effective lolcat filtering. Which of course explains the rampant popularity of both your blog and mine. At least in Lithuania

C: What does Doctor Toboggans like to do for fun?

B: He enjoys having his ego stroked. Of course most men do. I often enjoy a good identity rubdown myself, but Doctor Toboggans really likes it. So much so that he hired his own cerebral masseuse, a specialist in Deep Issue Manipulation, to thoroughly work over his neuroses.

C: What is the true meaning of college?

B: It is a little known fact that the word college is actually a French derivative of the Old Welsh word cloggage, which reflects the theory that intelligence continually seeps from the human brain unless the neural pathways can be plugged with random and mostly useless information. This method of preventing intelligence leakage is precisely why so many covert government agents are intentionally addicted to Trivial Pursuit by their handlers. That and the generous Milton Bradley stock options.

C: What was the worst post you ever wrote?

B: Probably this one. Fortunately for me, it won’t be appearing on my blog.

C: If 2 vectors have the same amplitude, are the ordered pairs representing them necessarily identical?

B: Offer not valid in all quantum states. Prices and participation may vary inversely as a function of Brownian motion.

C: How is furniture dangerous?

B: Usually as it answers the call of gravity from the lofty vantage point of a third story window. Of course there is also DangerCouch, which is hazardous in its own right, although mostly due to plaid burn-in of the retinal nerves.

For the majority of western civilization who has managed to live in blissful ignorance so far, DangerCouch is a band, a blog, a video web-series, and collectable movie/concert DVD. I am one of the writers, one of the actors, and one of the musicians. I am also one of the roadies, one of the grips, and do all my own stunts, most often in the form of disturbing food consumption. But enough about me, what do you think of my affordable DVD?

C: Thanks a lot for taking the time to do this interview Brent. Any parting thoughts?

B: After years of feathering my thoughts down the middle, I have recently started parting them on the right. Just another sign of old age I guess.

Brent’s question to the readers: I would love to know what your readers think will be the future of blogs and blogging? Unlike magazines, TV, and movies, the blog is still a mostly undefined media, capable of incredible flexibility. Where do you think it will go? Where would you like to see it go? And when do you think I might limit myself to a single question?

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