Angry Seafood

Welcome to another edition of “Bloggers Speak” where Angry Seafood interviews the authors of humor blogs. We are joined today by Johnny Virgil from Fifteen Minute Lunch.

Chris: Welcome to the feature Johhny. How are you doing?

Johnny Virgil: I’m good. But where the hell is everyone? My agent told me I’d be reading for the part of “interested onlooker.” I’ll work for scale. Who are you again?

C: Why is haiku dumb?

JV: I don’t think all of it’s dumb. Read some japanese death haiku sometime. Some of it can be very moving. Sorry, I know this is supposed to be funny.

C: Your thoughts on Cinco De Mayo.

JV: I haven’t thought about Cinco De Mayo in…well, never, actually. I know one thing about it, and that one thing is that I get to wear jeans to work on that day, so whatever the hell it is, I’m all for it.

C: Great taste or less filling?

JV: Jeez, where are you getting these questions from? 1993? I’d have to go with less filling, because Miller Light is basically club soda filtered through old college fraternity carpets. And anything that you *don’t* drink has to be less filling than something you do, right?

C: Who do you think is the ugliest US presidential candidate and why?

JV: Wow. That’s a tough one. I’d say it’s a toss up between McCain and Hillary. McCain is older, but Hillary clearly has the bigger penis. Truthfully, she freaks me out a little. Case in point:

C: What are monkey punchers and what bothers you most about them?

JV: It’s a term for idiots with computers. “Monkeypunchers” are the kind of people who are stupid enough to click on the dumb flash ads that are on every web page you see. You know, the ones where there are buttons for choices, but they don’t actually do anything but take you to the same lame web page, no matter which one you click on? These types of people have computers that are generally so full of spyware, adware and viruses, that even though the computer is brand new, it has all the speed of my grandfather in the bathroom after thanksgiving dinner.

C: What did you do with the riches from one of your posts going viral?

JV: I made about $200 - all from donations from other people who were forced to (or chose to)wear similar clothes in the 70’s. I spent it all on vintage clothes. When nobody is around I put them on and do The Shuffle in my living room.

C: Why would someone name their child Rainbow?

JV: I have no idea. I guessit beats naming your kid “Refracted Light.” I guess if maybe you were a huge Ritchie Blackmore fan. Or gay. Or a gay hippie. Or maybe a gay hippie Ritchie Blackmore fan.

C: Che Guevara, evil or misunderstood?

JV: I’m going to have to go with “misunderstood” based on this unreleased footage of Che and Fidel...

(*Editor’s Note: The embed code still isn’t working but hopefully the link above should send you to the funny video which is a great addition to the answer*)

C: Thanks a lot for taking the time to do this interview Johnny. Any parting thoughts?

JV: The guy who said “a bird in the hand is worth two in the bush” hasn’t been putting his bird in the right bushes. Let’s go with that.

Johnny’s question for the readers: Don’t you people have things to do? How many of you are reading this at work? And more importantly, Is your company hiring?

f you would like to be interviewed hit me up and we will make it happen. My only requirement is that you actually be funny and you have a blog. Boring interviews don’t make for good ones around here.

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funny humor blogs. Visit there or die a horrible death.

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Welcome to another edition of “Bloggers Speak” where Angry Seafood interviews the authors of funny blogs. We are joined today by Renal Failure, Humor-Blogs.com directory member and also contributor to the online humor magazine ‘The Clay Pigeon’.

Chris: Welcome to the feature Renal Failure. How are you doing?

RF: Why do you ask? What have you heard? Oh God, it’s pancreatic Swayze cancer, isn’t it? Damn it, why couldn’t it have waited until after the release of the new Batman movie?

C: Ok, I have to ask, what is up with all the characters? I need a scorecard to keep track.

RF: I have a wide circle of friends. They’re drawn to me, like pretentious hipsters to a thrift shop. Anyway, it can’t be that hard to keep track of the characters. I think they’re clearly defined. Tina the Lesbian is the lesbian. Bernie the half-cyborg cat is the cat. Ninja Vicki is the Peter Cetera fan. Simple stuff.

C: What can change a substance into an entirely different substance?

RF: Tag Larkin. By sheer force of will.

C: Great taste or less filling?

RF: Great Taste and more filling. That’s how I like my Boston Kreme donuts. Filling is tasty, why would I want less of it? You know what people would want less of? Sudden infant death syndrome. That’s what people really want: Great taste and less babies found dead in their cribs.

C: If you could vote any Movie Star or Singer as President, who would it be?

RF: Gary Busey. He has a lot to teach us as human beings, not just as Americans. And he will pull a knife on you.

C: Does Psycho Dave have any more mundane ideas to sell to India?

RF: No, mundane experiences were last year. This year Psycho Dave is currently negotiating to export “goth” to India to fill their goth teen deficit. And by negotiating, I mean he calls up the local Indian take-out place and curses at them.

C: Why does the sun never set on the British Empire?

RF: Because the queen is always in motion, always a step ahead of the setting sun. Sort of like the end of the movie Little Monsters.

(Editor’s note: If anyone was wondering the actual punchline to that joke is: “because God doesn’t trust the Birtish in the dark.”)

C: Who is Tag Larkin and why does he go all out?

RF: Tag Larkin is inevitability. Tag Larkin is a force of nature. Tag Larkin is the sum of a cosmic equation too complex for our primitive minds to understand.

As to why he goes all out, I believe this was answered in our post Tag Larkin Goes All Out: because Tag Larkin is still trying to impress his late father, for whom nothing was ever good enough. And that’s how Tag Larkin prevented Tagg Romney’s father from being the Republican nominee for President. By going all out, and playing by his own rules, and answering to nobody.

C: Why should US invade Canada?

RF: For cheap pills. I’d like the cocktail of pharmaceutical wonder-capsules I take on a daily basis that prevent the Virgin Mary from convincing me in her husky Kathleen Turner voice to throw acid in people’s faces to be just a little more affordable. Because if I have to choose between paying the high-speed internet bill and buying the drugs that keeps the screaming to an acceptable minimum, I’m going to choose the one that gives me adorable kitten videos.

C: Thanks a lot for taking the time to do this interview RF. Any parting thoughts?

RF: Anyone can relay true stories to an audience. It takes talent to tell them entertaining and funny lies.

RF’s question to the readers: What Renal Failure character would you like to spend the day with?

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Welcome to another edition of “Bloggers Speak” where Humor By Angry Seafood interviews the authors of funny blogs. We are joined today by Humor-blogs.com member and also one of the founders of the new online humor magazine ‘Clay Pigeon’ Frogster from The Frog Bog.

Chris: Welcome to the feature Frogster. How are you doing?

The Frogster: Ahem. Hah-hem! MA MAY MEE MO MOO MO MEE MAY MAAOOOAAOOO. Test test test. Hem! Hah-hem! Hooooaaaaaccchhh- wait, are we on?

C: Your thoughts on the Ides of March.

TF: As a stereotypical Pisces, I’ve given the Ides of March a great deal of thought. After, that is, the cops talk me off the bridge, because I am, after all, a stereotypical Pisces. The whole Ides of March is just bad PR. Sure, the Ides of March has featured some unfortunate events, such as Liz Taylor marrying Richard Burton, Hitler invading Czechoslovakia and the NFL’s Cardinals moving to Arizona. But we’re overlooking a reason to celebrate this wonderful day- the birth of Fabio Lanzoni, international supermodel and author of three titallating novels, Pirate, Rogue and the inimitable Comanche. The Ides March to their own drummer, and he is simply beautiful.

C: Great taste or less filling?

TF: See, Chris, this is what’s wrong with the world today. we’re all locked into this black/white, right/wrong, Yankees/Red Sox mindset. Beverages are not a zero-sum game. I don’t see why we can’t be happy with reasonably good, somewhat filling beverages.

C: How did the male enhancement go?

TF: Well, when I enhanced myself, I had pretty high hopes. I started feeling pretty manly, but my wife was somehow unimpressed. I don’t get it. I’m running around biting the tops off of beer bottles, shaving with a rusty axe and filling the air with my natural male pheremones, but no lovin’. I thought chicks dug that kind of stuff.

C: There is a steel cage wrestling match between Hillary Clinton, a small grizzly bear, a mime, and John McCain. Tell us what you see.

TF: Hmm. If it was a large grizzly bear, or Ron Paul instead of McCain, this would be an easy question. With the four participants listed here, I see the mime performing the “trapped in a box” routine and the other three tearing themselves to pieces trying to escape. This is the power of the mime, and the fear of that power is what drives comics to take such pleasure in skewering this particular life form so completely.

C: I ate lard today-can I still call myself a Vegan?

TF: In my experience, you can call yourself a Vegan any time you feel the need. They’re usually pretty easy.

C: How do they change tires so fast at a NASCAR race, are the lugnuts attached to the rims somehow?

TF: They don’t get changed fast. That’s all trick photography. The problem is, no one could ever bear to sit in the sun watching cars go around in circles for four hours if they were sober. So, since every member of the live audience has no recollection of the race afterwards, there is no one that the television stations, always looking for that extra bit of excitement, needs to be accountable to.

C: What do you do about “The Annoying Guy” at work?

TF: I ask him if he’d like to read the latest copy of “The Watchtower” when I’m done with it.

C: When did you first discover all the similarities between yourself and Brad Pitt?

TF: Ah, yes, you’ve heard. My first clue was that night Jennifer Anniston stood on my lawn holding a boom box above her head playing Peter Gabriel’s “In Your Eyes” over and over and over. I couldn’t get any sleep until I turned the sprinkler on her.

C: Thanks a lot for taking the time to do this interview Frogster. Any parting thoughts?

TF: When do I get my complimentary “Angry Seafood” skateboard sticker? I need to make my board a little more dope.

The Frogster’s question to the readers: I’m a student of the human equation, and in my quest for knowledge, I’d like the readers to fill in the blank: “If loving ______________ is wrong, I don’t want to be right.”

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Welcome to another edition of “Bloggers Speak” where Angry Seafood interviews the authors of the sites on Humor-Blogs.com as well as others with funny blogs.

We are joined today by Humor-Blogs.com member The Ominous Comma and it’s founder Brent.

Chris: Welcome to the feature Brent. How are you doing?

Brent: Have we started yet? I know I only get eight questions and I don’t want to waste this opportunity by picking a lame one.

C: Your thoughts on Presidents’ Day.

B: As far as I can tell, only the four living ex-presidents actually get this day off. Everyone else has to work. Much like the perversely named Veterans Day, where actual veterans like myself have to prop up the economy with gainful employment so that school children can celebrate this meaningful event with patriotic rounds of all-day video games.

C: What’s creepier-Huckabee’s evil eyes that can’t look at you or Ron Paul’s fanbase?

B: I cannot overstate the importance of having a solid fan base. If you attempt to blow as much hot air as these politicians do without a sufficient anchoring mass, you will end up on your backside addressing “My fellow chandeliers.” In addition, let me say that….I’m sorry, what was the question?

C: Great taste or less filling?

B: Both. People with great taste and esthetic refinement tend to frequent blogs with high originality, low filler content, and effective lolcat filtering. Which of course explains the rampant popularity of both your blog and mine. At least in Lithuania

C: What does Doctor Toboggans like to do for fun?

B: He enjoys having his ego stroked. Of course most men do. I often enjoy a good identity rubdown myself, but Doctor Toboggans really likes it. So much so that he hired his own cerebral masseuse, a specialist in Deep Issue Manipulation, to thoroughly work over his neuroses.

C: What is the true meaning of college?

B: It is a little known fact that the word college is actually a French derivative of the Old Welsh word cloggage, which reflects the theory that intelligence continually seeps from the human brain unless the neural pathways can be plugged with random and mostly useless information. This method of preventing intelligence leakage is precisely why so many covert government agents are intentionally addicted to Trivial Pursuit by their handlers. That and the generous Milton Bradley stock options.

C: What was the worst post you ever wrote?

B: Probably this one. Fortunately for me, it won’t be appearing on my blog.

C: If 2 vectors have the same amplitude, are the ordered pairs representing them necessarily identical?

B: Offer not valid in all quantum states. Prices and participation may vary inversely as a function of Brownian motion.

C: How is furniture dangerous?

B: Usually as it answers the call of gravity from the lofty vantage point of a third story window. Of course there is also DangerCouch, which is hazardous in its own right, although mostly due to plaid burn-in of the retinal nerves.

For the majority of western civilization who has managed to live in blissful ignorance so far, DangerCouch is a band, a blog, a video web-series, and collectable movie/concert DVD. I am one of the writers, one of the actors, and one of the musicians. I am also one of the roadies, one of the grips, and do all my own stunts, most often in the form of disturbing food consumption. But enough about me, what do you think of my affordable DVD?

C: Thanks a lot for taking the time to do this interview Brent. Any parting thoughts?

B: After years of feathering my thoughts down the middle, I have recently started parting them on the right. Just another sign of old age I guess.

Brent’s question to the readers: I would love to know what your readers think will be the future of blogs and blogging? Unlike magazines, TV, and movies, the blog is still a mostly undefined media, capable of incredible flexibility. Where do you think it will go? Where would you like to see it go? And when do you think I might limit myself to a single question?

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Welcome to another edition of “Bloggers Speak” where Angry Seafood interviews the authors of the sites on Humor-Blogs.com as well as others with funny blogs.

This time around we turn our attention to HB member Jeff from ‘View from the Cloud’ who was also the first interviewee to use pictures.

Chris: Welcome to the feature Jeff. How’s it going?

Jeff: Very good! And may I say ‘thank you’ for selecting me to be your interview for this week. I love your blog and I’m flattered to be included among the other esteemed humorist you’ve chosen for this feature.

(pssst…is that enough sucking up yet?… cause I’ve got a lot more if you need it.)

C: Great taste or less filling?

J: Well, considering I have lousy taste in fashion (all tee-shirts, all the time), restaurants (I’m pretty sure I’m the only person on earth who prefers eating at those all-you-can-eat buffets) and my choice of residency (at least I feel that way right now while the average temperature here in Minnesota is -10) … I’ll have to go with less filling. And who wouldn’t want less fillings? Right now I have so damn much metal in my mouth magnets stick to my cheeks.

C: If you could choose one Presidential candidate to have a love child with Hillary Clinton who would it be and why?

J: I don’t have to. Few people know that years ago, Hillary actually had a previous romp with one of our current candidates. And as luck would have it, I happen to have a rare photograph of their secret love child. But please be respectful and try not to stare at her unfortunate skin condition.

C: Do bears really shit in the woods?

J: Not up here. Minnesota bears have become quite adept at breaking into our houses and using our toilets. It’s really a nuisance too because they track a lot of mud through the house.

C: Your thoughts on Valentine’s Day

J: Oh, Valentines Day is a great holiday…if you’re a woman! I mean seriously, women receive chocolate, flowers, jewelry, love notes and fine dining. What do men receive? You guessed it - the bill.

C: Is Fargo real?

J: Heh. That depends. Are you referring to the movie or the city? Because one is funny and the other is not.

As far as the movie is concerned, you most likely won’t find anyone around Fargo that talks like that anymore, although I’m sure that within the last 40 years or so there were plenty of immigrants from the “old country” that had that accent. Obviously the movie was over exaggerated to make point. But not by much!

Regarding the city… early on in my career as a road musician my band traveled extensively throughout the nearby Midwestern states and cities. For some stupid reason, our agency loved to send us to Fargo for weeks on end – especially in the winter. It kind of became a running joke among bands in the industry. “Oh, you’ve been exiled to Fargo eh? Bummer.” The only place worse to end up in February was Minot, ND – which unfortunately we played way too many times.

C: Tell us what was so scary about a reoccurring dream you used to have about people in your front yard and underwear?

J: Well, it was only scary when I was the one in underwear. Otherwise it was my fantasy.

Anyway, I’m assuming you’re referring to my maiden post back in October of ’05 where I explained how I had this dumb insecurity about starting this blog because I was worried that someone I knew would read it… and then… and then all the people who had ever been an important part of my life would gather together in my front yard and start making mumbling sounds, like they were saying secret things about me but I couldn’t quite make out the words. Then, when I went out onto my front porch to find out what was going on, I’d realize that I was really standing there in front of everybody in my underwear.

But once I realized that really wasn’t my fear, but rather an old recurring dream that I’ve had since I was a kid, I marched on to become the famous blogger I am today.

C: I like dominant women and I am a shy guy, does this make me effeminate?

J: Only if enjoy letting your date dress you up in women’s clothes while she handcuffs you to the bed. But now that I think about it, who wouldn’t?

C: What are Bill-isms and which was your favorite?

J: Bill is my father and Bill-isms are little sayings and quotes he says on an all too-frequent basis. None of these are actually funny in a “ha ha” kind of way, but are funny to those of us who know Bill - much like the way it’s funny when a record skips on a phrase and plays it over and over again.

But my favorite? Oh that’s tough. That’s like asking a dad to pick his favorite child. I think “That’s enough to gag a maggot” when he’s referring to something really smelly is an excellent example of a Bill-ism. But I’ve always thought “Dumb kids… I teach them everything I know and they don’t know nothing!” pretty much sums it up for me.

C: Thanks a lot for taking the time to do this interview Jeff. Any parting thoughts?

J: Yeah, don’t bother calling 867-5309. Jenny really isn’t that good of a time.

Jeff’s question for the readers: Speaking of fictional phone numbers… does it bug anyone else when they use “555” as the first part of a phone number in movies or TV shows?

Have you checked out the latest Angry Seafood post ‘One Last NFL Hurrah’?

Or how about the tale of how the Blizzard of ‘78 sucked?

Humor-blogs.com is the home of funny blogs. The only home.

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Welcome to another edition of “Bloggers Speak” where Angry Seafood usually interviews the authors of the blogs on humor-blogs.com. This time around we turn our attention to someone who isn’t on the humor-blog directory but should be (hint, hint), Adam B. from ‘Comics Make No Sense’.

Chris: Welcome to the feature Adam. How are you doing?

Adam B: Why, what have you heard? Have you been listening to the voices in my head?

C: Perhaps. So, what is the most ridiculous premise or plotline in a comic you have made fun of on your blog?

A: To get into Comics Make No Sense, you’ve got to be pretty stupid to begin with, so you’re asking about the lame of the lame here. I’d say my favorite entry was a Superboy panel where he said he had a queer feeling after taking so many blows. It’s totally filthy, and hardly any of my readers batted an eye. My readers are pretty sick puppies. I don’t feel very safe around them, to tell you the truth.

I spent the first year picking on the two dumbest super-teams ever, the Justice League. They were both painfully bad, but for totally different reasons. The FF, for the first two hundred issues, reads like a bad soap opera. The Detroit-era JLA tried to be hip to the times, but unfortunately, those times were the eighties. They bet on the wrong horse there.

Who do I think was more useless, Sue or Vibe? How can you ask me to make such a choice? Do I look like Meryl Streep to you?

C: Definitely not Adam. Many people wonder whether the Clintons took things that did not belong to them from the White House when they left office. Your thoughts.

A: Well, when they left, peace and a stable economy seem to have left with him. I miss the days when I could end the day watching people freak out over who Clinton may have diddled instead of a daily account of casualties in Iraq. I can’t believe the country was stupid enough to elect Bush again. Well, he didn’t really win in 2000, but you know what I mean. Were people *that* intimidated by gay marriage?

C: Speaking of the slang definition for gay meaning dumb, which comic book character sucks worse, Shamrock or Arcade?

A: I’ve always had a soft spot for Arcade, actually. I groove on the whole idea of a homicide-based theme park. I mean, one that’s deadly on purpose, and not just because the guy who assembles the rides was tightening screws in between bong hits.

Shamrock…. wow, is she obnoxious. It’s bad enough that her super-power is luck, but does she have to be so damn smug about it? It wouldn’t surprise me a bit to find out she’s really French.

C: How did you celebrate Feast of Fabulous Wild Men Day this past January 12th?

A: I was at a Chinese buffet until the owners told me to leave. “You eat enough! You go now!”

C: Who do you think is the least-funny US presidential candidate and why?

A: I think the last person who should be President is someone dumb enough to want to be President. Matter-Eater Lad’s home planet had the right idea, and we ought to just draft our public servants. That being said, I think Huckabee is the kind of guy who would pretend he doesn’t get your jokes, even if he does. Don’t you hate people who do that?

C: There is blue stuff coming out my butt? What do I do?

A: It sounds like things are happening on their own just fine. If you must do something, I recommend you just be yourself.

C: Great taste or less filling?

A: You can’t get around something tasting bad, so great taste. If something is too filling…. well, that’s what purging and laxatives are for.

C: Who is more helpful, Aquaman or Batman?

A: Aquaman is probably the lesser of the evils. I mean, Batman would constantly remind me how much smarter he is than I am, and who needs that? If Aquaman started getting all lippy on me, I could always tell him, “Hey, don’t you have to run back into the ocean or something? It’s been almost an hour.” *That* would shut him up. Yeah, give me Aquaman.

C: Thanks a lot for taking the time to do this interview Adam. Any parting thoughts?

A: I’m pretty sure I had my wallet when I came in here…..

(Editor’s note: ummmm)

Adam’s question for the readers: What was so great about Watchmen? I don’t get it!

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Welcome to another edition of ‘Humor Bloggers Speak’ where Angry Seafood interviews the authors of the blogs on humor-blogs.com. We are joined today by Theresa from ‘The Rain in Spain‘.

Chris: Welcome to the feature Theresa. How are you doing?

Theresa: Well, it’s not raining and I have toilet paper, so I can’t complain.

C: What European country is the weirdest and why?

T: I would have to say Belgium. I mean, it’s a place that can’t figure out if it’s French or Dutch, and its best known symbol is a statue of a little boy peeing. How weird is that? Besides those chocolate boobies they sell everywhere kind of ick me out. On the other hand, it is the country that gave us Audrey Hepburn, so it can’t be all that bad.

C: Great taste or less filling?

T: Great taste, without a doubt. After all, I live in Spain. Can you imagine what diet Sangria would be like?

C: How can I tell if my rat is pregnant?

T: What, isn’t there a Rat Predictor? Of course getting a rat to pee on a stick might be kind of hard, so I guess you’re better off just waiting. After a while the question just resolves itself.

C: Do you ever wonder if you hate Paris Hilton, or if it’s just the jealousy taking over?

T: No, hate and jealousy are not quite the words I’d use to describe my feelings about Paris. Anyone who runs around without underwear to get people’s attention just deserves pity (and very cold privates).Besides, how could I be jealous of somebody who’s named after a hotel in France? No, I don’t think so. I can just imagine the conversations of the guys she goes out with:

“Dude, I just spent a night in the Paris Hilton!”

“Whoa, so what was that like?”

“Well, I was kind of disappointed.I mean, it’s supposed to be an exclusive thing, but these days almost anyone can get in.”

And when reading things like ‘Katie Holmes and Posh do Paris’ you can never quite be sure if they’re talking about a trip to the capital city of France, or another of Paris’ lesbian exploits.It’s pathetic really.

(Editor’s note: And hot.)

C: What do you have against leaf blowers?

T: Well, they’re stupid, loud and environmentally irresponsible.Actually, they’re a lot like many politicians…in other words, they blow.

C: Which are worse, Gypsies or the French?

T: What, do you mean in bed? Sorry, but I don’t have any personal experience to share, but I could set you up on a couple of dates if you want to find out for yourself.

C: If someone came up to you, said “gobble gobble” then walked off, what would you do?

T: I’d say, “Off with its head! That’s our Christmas dinner, don’t let it get away!” Nah, just kidding, we don’t eat people over here anymore….I think that went out of style with the Inquisition.

C: What does Spain smell like?

T: Well, now that Posh Spice has left it smells ever so much better.

C: Thanks a lot for taking the time to do this interview Theresa. Any parting thoughts?

T: Thanks for inviting me over Chris. I’m honored to find myself in the company of so many talented bloggers. Oh, and one more thing. Is the seafood angry because you’re about to eat it? If so, I’m really glad I’m not a lobster.

Theresa’s question for the readers:If God is omnipotent, then why didn’t he make the Universe in one day and rest the other six?

Humor-blogs.com is home to great sites like ‘The Rain in Spain‘. Be sure to visit.

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Welcome to another edition of “When Bloggers Speak” where I interview the authors of, well blogs. We are joined today by Paula from Polliwog’s Pond. Her blog is also a member of the infamous humor-blogs.com directory.

Chris: Welcome to the feature Paula. How are you doing?

Polliwog: I’m thrilled to be here and to take part in this project with you Chris. Just imagine, I’m in the same company as a guy with a really small book, a dude who hands out huge golden cocks, and some freak who likes Vicks Vapor Rub even more than I do. You might as well end the interview project right now. The four of us are pretty much the cream of the crop. Really, Chris. Who you going to interview? Those bozo’s on the HumorBlogs.com list?

C: What really popular blog do you hate the most?

P: I used to really hate Dan’s Blah Blah Blog because he’d get like 300 comments on every post. Then he confided to me that he was really writing them all himself so I had to find a new blog to hate. I chose Bossy. That Bob Dole-esque pattern of speech she uses makes me want to gouge my eyes out with sticks.

C: Which Presidential candidate is the weirdest and why?

P: I pretty much think they all suck except for my girl Hilary. Nobody give me grief about this or I’ll go all kung-fu on your ass. But to be a good sport and answer your question, I’d have to say Duncan Hunter. He’s a Republican, a Lawyer, and a Californian. Enough said.

C: Which fantasy football player has been the biggest disappointment in 2007?

P: Larry Johnson. See, I was hurting for good running back’s this season, and I had lost like five games in a row. I cajoled, dealed and pleaded and snagged Larry in a trade. He then had his best game of the season, got hurt and is out for who-knows-how-long now. Crap!

C: How much has Thanksgiving interfered with Christmas?

P: My whole YEAR interferes with Christmas. I have six kids which means I’m constantly having birthday parties, and then there is Halloween, Easter, Valentines Day and Independence Day. Thanksgiving is the one Holiday I welcome with open arms because it doesn’t involve presents or candy. My preferred way to celebrate Turkey Day is to go to the movies and smuggle a turkey sandwich in my handbag.

C: Is there ever a desire for a maid named Alice in your life?

P: If I had an Alice in my life, I’d be able to go and do the things I really want to do like cure cancer and end poverty. The sun would shine every day and small animals and birds would greet me when I awoke. I’d only eat chocolate and drink margaritas. Yeah, life with an Alice would be good.

C: Why is it called tourist season if we can’t shoot them?

P: They shoot tourists, don’t they? No, darlin’ they don’t. You are a little behind the times. My favorite method for dealing with tourists involves a Ron Popeil Pocket Fisherman, a Burger King Guy mask, and some Cheez Whiz.

C: Do you ever get startled by your toaster?

P: I have to buy a new toaster every 6-12 months it seems. They hate me. The last one I threw out, got stuck in the on position, burnt the bread, filled the house with smoke, and set off all the smoke alarms in the house. The kids happened to have a friend over that night too. God only knows what that kid went home and told her parents. Yes, I was making toast at night. Gotta problem with that?

C: Which band had more impact on you in the 80’s Firehouse or Great White?

P: Dude, how old are you? Firehouse put out its first album in 1990, they were not an ’80s band (though technically they formed during 1989). You were being sneaky and trying to trick me weren’t you naughty boy? Great White wasn’t a favorite band of mine in the ’80s. The only thing I remember about them is that I probably cried over some idiot at age 18 while playing their song, “Save Your Love” over and over and over. Oh wait, that was last week.

C: Thanks a lot for taking the time to do this interview Paula. Any parting thoughts?

P: Thanks for having me over Chris. I’ll leave you with my personal motto and the one rule with which I run my life. In the words of the great Harry Truman, “If you can’t convince them, confuse them.”

Paula’s question to the readers: Best dance song, Super Freak or Word Up!?

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Welcome to another edition of “Humor Bloggers Speak”. Every other week I interview an author from the fine assortment of funny people on humor blogs.com.

We are joined today by Lord Likely from The Astonishing Adventures of Lord Likely.

Chris: Welcome to the feature Lord Likely. How is everything going?

Lord Likely: Good day, sir! Do you mind awfully if I just loosen my trousers a bit? I find it better facilitates the question answering process. Ah-hah! That is much more agreeable. My ‘Lord Palmerston’ needs room to breathe, sometimes. Now, where were we? Ah, yes. Everything is going swimmingly, thank you very much. Most swimmingly indeed!

C: What is worse then befriending a Frenchman?

LL: I suppose the only thing worse than befriending a Frenchman is BEING a Frenchman. Imagine the horror a Frenchman must feel when he wakes up in the morning, looks in the mirror and realises he is still French. It must be awful. But there you go, such is life. Or, as I believe the French say, “Surch eees laife”.

C: Your thoughts on All Souls Day.

LL: Arseholes Day? What in damnation is Arseholes Day? It sounds disgusting, yet simultaneously highly erotic.

C: Have you made a choice on what Halloween costume you will be wearing this year?

LL: I shall be dressing up as a Frenchman. Oh, the horror!

C: Who do you think would be the best presidential candidate to spend an intimate night with?

LL: Well, speaking from experience, I can vouch that ‘Honest’ Abraham Lincoln made for a wonderfully considerate and warm lover. Mr. Lincoln emancipated my Lord Palmerston from the confines of my underpants, and I salute him for it.

C: What do you think your future kin are doing in 2007?

LL: I should like to think that the Likely lineage are continuing to do what we Likelys do best; traveling the globe, setting out on astonishing adventures, seducing ladies and getting quite, quite drunk. I just hope they do not wind up sitting on their fat behinds in the House of Lords all day, discussing politics. That would be terrible. Having said that, I have sown my fertile seed in so many hairy fields I dare say that by 2007 half the world’s population could be of Likely stock. And that is quite a thrilling prospect, I am sure you would agree.

C: What is the worst thing about having a man-servant?

LL: Well, my man-servant, Botter, is entirely adequate, but I have to say he does reek rather badly. It is no exaggeration to say that he smells exactly like a dog who has just come in out of the rain. And the rain was made out of effluence. And the dog was on fire. And vomiting. He smells just like that. Also, another wearying aspect of having a servant is their continued instance on being paid. They should perform their services out of love, I feel.

C: Has anyone managed to stay on their feet through a whole orgasm?

LL: I once had intercourse with a female diver, who insisted on keeping her diving boots on throughout the entire sex act. I think that in doing so, she saved herself the indignity of being embedded into the ceiling through the force of my mighty, aristocratic ejaculations.

C: Why would a man on a Harley be wearing a diaper and panty hose?

LL: It would depend entirely on who this ‘Harley’ fellow is of which you speak. From the sound of it, he seems like some sort of sexual deviant. I should like to meet him. Do you have his address?

C: Thanks a lot for taking the time to do this interview Lord Likely. Any parting thoughts?

LL: Would you like to touch my Lord Palmerston? He does not bite, although he may spit in your eye.

Lord Likely’s question for the readers: Some people say that having a family is life’s biggest adventure. Is this true, or are these people talking out of their bottoms?

(Reprinted from former blog)

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Welcome to another edition of “Humor Bloggers Speak”. Every other week I interview an author from the fine assortment of funny people on humor blogs.com.

We are joined today by Howard from The Web Pen Blog. He is also a member of Monkey’s Uncle, an improv comedy group out of Denver, Colorado.

Chris: Welcome to the feature Howard. How are you doing?

Howard: Hey, dude. Feelin’ groovy. Just snorted an entire jar of Vicks Vapor Rub. Whoa! My computer screen just turned plaid! Nah-ah-ah-ah. Bitchin’!

C: What do you think is the worst Halloween costume?

H: Homemade ones. C’mon, the economy is on its way down again. Buying a pre-made costume ensures our country’s economic stability. And if you still decide to make your own, guess what? You’re still making more than those poor Asian children.

C: Does it smell like snow?

H: I’m sure I don’t know what cocaine smells like. Do you, Chris? Maybe from your frat days? Need I notify Homeland Security?

C: Great taste or less filling?

H: Please! Great taste! I’m American and so find nothing more satisfying than stuffing myself like a megalomaniacal fat cat.

C: Who do you think is the whitest US presidential candidate and why?

H: Mitt Romney. Have you seen this guy dance? Even Quakers get embarrassed.

C: Most interesting thing about being in an improv comedy group.

H: Watching it. Putting together an improv show involves a lot of paperwork, planning, promotion, ass-kissing, tears, ego feeding, drama, thought, sweat — I could go on and on. Turns out doing a show is the exact antithesis of the meaning of improv. It’s much easier to pay $6 on Monday, October 15 at Jazz@Jack’s in the Denver Pavilions at 7:30 PM, have two drinks and just let five talent people entertain you. Perhaps even make plans to see Monkey’s Uncle 6th Anniversary Show on November 19.

(Psst, do you think that will stop people from forming even more rival comedy troupes?)

C: Have you ever thought of suing a tree?

H: The fruit that bore this question is that I was attacked by a tree last year which caused my ears to ring and required eight stitches. It wasn’t easy as I’m no twig of a man; however, the tree seemed to want to branch out from its customary stationary placement and lash out with deep-rooted resentment. Instead of barking out my anger, I decided to just leaf it be as I arbor no ill will.

C: Your thoughts on the word ointment.

H: “It puts the lotion on its skin. It does this whenever it’s told.”

C: Why isn’t the ‘Half Hour News Hour’ parody news show on FOX funny?

H: Well, they certainly aren’t funny now that they’ve been canceled. Seriously though? They never learned subtlety. The humor was always the in-your-face brand humor of Mel Brooks. They also couldn’t seem to laugh at themselves. Even though The Daily Show has a left leaning, they still mock and make fun of their own candidates. If you can’t laugh at yourself, you’ll never be able to add a subtle elbow nudging to your material — it will only come across as mean-spirited. Boiled down: if they had just taken a wider stance, their show wouldn’t have been stalled. Thank you! I’ll be here all day.

On a related note: I did like a commercial parody they did for the Hillary Clinton pill although it was only funny because it spoofed pharmaceutical commercials.

C: Thanks a lot for taking the time to do this interview Howard. Any parting thoughts?

H: The Vicks seems to not last as long lately. I’m thinking of moving up to Absorbine Jr. Oh, and thanks, Chris, for letting me being a guest on Nothing to See Here.

Howard’s Question to the readers: Why is it that no good deed goes unpunished? There has to be a reason that it is not only a cliche, but also true.

(Reprinted from former blog)

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