Welcome to Bloggers Speak where I sit down with other humor bloggers and ask them a bunch of crazy and odd questions. Today I am joined by Uncle Beau from the humor blog The Nothing Report.

How’s it hanging Uncle Beau?

Was that the first question, or was the the non question introductory question that’s followed by the first real question? Damnit, I just answered a question with a question. Should I answer the question now, or would it be awkward at this point?

Next question.

How did Perfect Strangers get on television?

That’s an easy one. Bronson Pinchot lost a bet with Tom Hanks. The winner got to dress in drag in their own sitcom.

Worst movie sequel ever made and why?

Batman & Robin, no contest. I hate you Joel Schumacher…..and this is why: Have you ever seen what happens when a Brazilian immigrant is tortured with marshmellows and superglue, and then when you finally get their posterior sewn up, they’re deep fried in a vat of boiling peanut oil and their skin is peeled off; they’re rolled around in a pile of salt, nailed to a beehive, used for target practice with skipping stones, and drug around by a giant, rabid, venomous vampire mongoose?…….it’s kind of like that, but you go blind too.

Van Halen question- Sammy or Dave?

Wise man once said Van Halen, NOT Van Hagar. I think he had a mullet….Maybe I should have just gone with, “man” once said…

What do we do if the Amish decide to go the religious extremist route?

We should hide our batteries and lock everything down electronically. They’ll never figure that one out…..unless someone invented a door you can shuck open.

What would you do if your blog became self-aware?

I would still have to proof read it. All of my other ‘Johnny Five’ sites don’t spell too good…..Haven’t figurrd that one out yett.

If you could create a reality show what would the premise be?

It would be called ” Drug Around by a Giant, Rabid, Venomous Vampire Mongoose”. I’m still working on the title, but I’m pretty solid with this one. It hits a little close to home. The loser is forced to watch Batman & Robin. The winner, of course, will get to skip the “salt” phase of the next episode as the returning champion….and every episode, Joel Schumacher will be drawn and quartered by space shuttles. We’ll call him “Lefty”.

Describe a funny childhood moment.

This one time, I was lost at the flea market. My mother was helping her friend Jack off a horse and I had taken a wrong turn passed the Mexican produce trunk of a car. I looked everywhere, yelling, “Mommy!” I had already peed my pants right through my He-man Underoos, so it slowed me down just enough to lose at the olympics by one one-hundredth of a second. I tripped and fell over a John Deer race track and a glorified lawnmower slowly made its way to tell me I’ve been a bad boy. Now I speak through my left shoulder.

*sigh* those were the days.

Thanks for taking the time to do this Uncle Beau. Any final thoughts?

Well now that you mention it. I’ve been contemplating the ramifications of the coagulation process in bad movie directors. Apparently, we’ve only been through one episode so far and we got a bleeder; and will somebody please get that damn mongoose out of the sunlight?!

Uncle Beau’s question for the readers:

Here’s a question and I’ve been wondering about this for a long time: I was looking at some candy my wife had on the counter and they were small Snickers, Butterfinger, etc. candy bars. On the front of each one it said, “FUN SIZE” and I thought to myself, “I’m going to kill someone tonight.” So I guess I want to know who invented the term “fun size” to be printed on candy bars, so that I may keepeth mine pimp hand strong. Whoever leads this person to their death will receive a free walkman radio.
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