Welcome to another edition of Bloggers Speak where Angry Seafood sits down with other online humorists and asks them funny questions every Friday. This week I am joined by Doug from the humor blog Taunt Vortex.

How’s it hanging Doug?

Well, it depends. If we’re discussing social issues – a little to the left. If we’re discussing fiscal responsibility – a little to the right. And if we’re discussing Jaime Pressly, well, then it really doesn’t hang at all.

Be Billy Mays and try and sell the readers your latest idea/invention

“Be Billy Mays”?? There’s no need to insult me. But if I was pressed to come up with a product that your readers might buy by the truckloads, if would be the “Informercial Filter”. Basically, it’s an electronic device that’s placed between your TV and your cable input line. When it senses that an infomercial has begun, within nanoseconds it blocks the infomercial, instantly replacing it with less grating and less offensive programming – like John Madden’s colonoscopy, or footage of baby seals getting clubbed. No more Billy Mays. No more Sham Wow guy. Almost like Nirvana. But way different from Tivo.

What do we do if the Amish decide to go the religious extremist route?

I just finished “Art of War” on tape, so I’m well prepared for this question. Initially we should do nothing, and simply let the Amish duke it out with the Mennonites. If the Amish prevail and set their sights on the rest of us, I recommend that we simply employ the same tactics that we have used against other religious extremists: wiretap their phones, monitor their internet activity, put their names on “do not fly” lists. We could also ship a few of them off to Gitmo, just to give them a taste of what it’s like to live without the necessities, like air conditioning and Twitter.

Van Halen Question- Sammy or Dave?

As you probably know, I’m extremely proud of my Dutch heritage, so that may color my opinion. But I believe that Eddie Van Halen is the true genius, the driving force, nay, the essence of Being behind Van Halen. He’s a true guitar god, exemplified by his use of non-traditional tuning, tapping guitar solos, and his signature “brown sound” tone. I’ll let Mr. Van Halen speak for himself.

“A guitar is just theoretically built wrong. Each string is just an interval of fourths, and then the B string is off. Theoretically, that’s not right. If you tune an open A chord in the first position and it’s perfectly in tune, and then you hit a barre chord an octive higher, it’s out of tune. The B string is always a motherfucker to keep in tune all the time! So I have to retune for certain songs.”

He’s truly brilliant. Now I realize that it will seem like blasphemy to Van Halen fans, but Eddie’s talent just overshadows the lead singer to the point where it’s immaterial and irrelevant if either Sammy or Dave is singing. In fact, you could plug in Juice Newton or William Shatner into that leader singer spot, and as long as Eddie’s playing lead, Van Halen will still rock.

If you could create a television series what would it be?

It wouldn’t really be a series per se, but more of a 24/7 reality show. Do you remember “The Truman Show” with Jim Carey? It would be sort of like that, with cameras following the main character 24 hours a day – but without the main character being aware that he/she is in a show. But instead of Truman, the main character would be Martha, my old ex-girlfriend from high school. I could check up on her whenever I wanted, without all of that inconvenient and time-consuming internet stalking.

Since Lindsay Lohan has gone lesbian, is there anything left she could do to attract attention?

She would really need to do something out of character. It would be a stretch, but I think her attention addiction could get a huge fix if she started hanging out with Stephen Hawking. Perhaps at first they’d just be seen together at Starbucks. Then she could accompany him to high profile meetings of theoretical physicists. After a while, she might be so bold as to confront harassing paparazzi, shouting “How dare you annoy me while I’m considering the implications of Yang-Mills instantons visa-vis String Theory! I hope your soul gets obliterated by a black hole!” And whenever she wrecks her car, she could describe in terms of Newtonian mechanics how inertia and force were to blame, and not her 0.18 blood alcohol level. This could be a positive thing for both Lohan and Hawking. He’d probably get his first ever Us cover photo, and she would be a shoo-in for the cover of The Bulletin of the Atomic Scientists.

Is there anything that drives a point home better then authentic frontier gibberish like in this classic scene from Blazing Saddles?

I…I’m sorry. This is very disturbing for me. See, back in college, I majored in Comparative Bookbinding, but my minor was in Authentic Frontier Gibberish. During the last semester of my senior year, my professor in Advanced Authentic Frontier Gibberish II – let’s just call her Sarah Plain and Tall – made unwanted advances toward me. When I rejected Sarah’s advances, my term paper mysteriously vanished. I failed her class, I was unable to get my degree, and my long downward spiral started. After years of therapy I finally got to where I could comfortably go to the rodeo, watch “Gunsmoke”, or stop for gas in Arkansas. I’m hoping to be able to reach the point where I’m strong enough to actually be gainfully employed in the near future. Maybe.

If you could create a polygamist cult what would be your first rules and the reasons for said rules?

Funny you should ask that. I just started reading “Creating a Polygamist Cult for Dummies”, but I’ve only read as far as the chapter on “Choosing Your Cult Name and Logo”. So I’ll have to wing this one. Okay, Rule #1 – we should never refer to ourselves as a “cult”. That’s just asking for trouble. “Polite Company Book club” won’t attract meddling reporters or district attorneys. Rule #2 – I’m the only one allowed to touch the TV remote control. Rule #3 – Thursday night is Moo goo gai pan night.

Thanks for taking the time to do this Doug. Any final thoughts?

Chris, I want to thank you for this opportunity, but I’m a little concerned. I was told this was going to be all multiple choice questions. Do you grade on the curve?

Doug’s question for the readers: If you could sit down to dinner with any three historical figures, living or dead, what would you order for an appetizer? And if the dead historical figure smelled funny, would you say anything?
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