Welcome to Bloggers Speak, an on-going feature where I sit down with other humor bloggers and ask them a bunch of crazy and odd questions. Today I am joined by none other than Sinister Dan from the humor blog Reasonable Ego.

How’s it hanging Dan?

Actually, to be specific, “it” does not “hang” at all. Since you asked, “it” is integrated into a titanium and steel frame with full articulation and ball-bearing support for an easy, three hundred and sixty degree swivel. Twin digital gyro-accelerometers ensure that “it” is always kept at the optimum relative position. With this technology at my disposal, “it” is now accurate up to three hundred yards.

You may just let things hang if you wish, but I will not take such chances.

Worst movie sequel ever made?

Well, there are obvious choices like Godfather 3 or any of those vomitous Star Wars prequels, but the one that ever really made me angry was the sequel to Highlander. Not many people will remember this, but for the mid eighties, Highlander was a pretty keen film. It had decent fights – with fucking swords! – , immortals and an exceptionally nude actress named Roxanne Hart who, for the fiscal year ending March 1987 had the best side-boob ever.

The sequel mysteriously changed the premise from immortal humans to immortal, precisely human aliens. Why in the name of god would you need to switch immortal humans for immortal aliens who look and act precisely like humans? Were the writers of the sequel so painfully handicapped that they couldn’t come up with the bridge to a sequel just using magical, human immortals? Did they have a meeting where nothing the script said made sense until the head writers added, “Oh, by the way, they’re immortal aliens, not immortal people” and the producer said, “well, that does clear it up, Jim.”

Sarah Palin. Your thoughts.

Sarah Palin? You mean the new, radical edge of the Republican Party that is exactly like the old one except for the presence of a pair of labium? Well, I think that her glasses look like welders goggles and she sounds like the sheriff from the movie Fargo. Also, to be fair, I think that Jeb Bush also has his own labia, but only one. So there’s that, too.

Van Halen question- Sammy or Dave?

Actually, neither. This strikes me as a better job for Sarah Palin than vice-President. Also, she wears less make-up than David Lee Roth.

If you could create a polygamist cult what would be your first rules and the reasons for said rules?

Is this a serious question? Because if it is, the coincidence is striking. I won’t divulge the entire list of requisites, but enormous bosoms and low self-esteem would be among the requisites- and that’s just for me.

What celebrity would you curse with a plague and why?

If it weren’t for celebrities of every stripe, I would have nothing to write about except for breakfast and trips to the dentist. As such, I’m loathe to curse them. I need lumps of unfortunate celebrity to keep the Sinister Train chugging along. However, I would like to turn Rachel Ray into a normal person for 15 minutes so that she could watch her show and see what she actually sounds like to humans- her tears would be delicious.

What would be the funniest way to leave your wife or dump a girlfriend?

After a long and hilarious chase scene involving police cars slamming into vegetable carts and a blundering but lovable county sheriff from the Deep South falling into an open septic ditch.

Also, if I could deliver a cliche line like “it’s not you, it’s me” and then pull of my face to reveal that I am a precisely human-looking immortal alien.

If you could create your own court procedural drama what would it focus on?

Stenographers. Really hot stenographers in skin-tight clothing who throw hot massage oil on each other for no reason and constantly lick their lips with an unquenchable thirst for sex. Oh, I guess that’s going to be an episode of CSI: Miami this November for Sweeps Week.

Thanks for taking the time to do this Dan. Any final thoughts?

Final thoughts? Final thoughts? I didn’t even know that i was ill…

Sinister Dan’s question for the readers:

I have no questions for the readers, your Honor. The witness is excused. Now if you’ll excuse me, I have some pressing business in the stenography pool.
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