October, 2008

Need help with something? Getting crappy advice from everyone else? God is now here to help with his on-going humor advice column. Ask him your question in the comments section and he just may answer it…

Fiar asks: “How many hippies do I have to beat in order to stop Obama from becoming President? I’m doing pretty good on the first 3 commandments, but the 4th needs some work. My question is, since you don’t exist, who are you really? Why the fuck should I take advice from you?”

To answer your first question, America is going to hell in a hand-basket either way, so it makes little difference to me which one of these idiots wins the election. Beat up as many hippies as you like if it will make you feel better; but you won’t be striking any deals with me; I don’t give a damn.

Second question: I am God, but you’re absolutely correct. I’ve never existed in the conventional ways that you may be familiar with. I’m not the ‘invisible man in the clouds’ or the celebrity with the long hair and beard. You guys have pigeon-holed me for centuries; turned me into a caricature like Santa Claus or the bogeyman. Frankly, I’m a little insulted.

As for taking my advice, I really couldn’t care less. I would, however, suggest you get cracking on that fourth commandment as soon as possible; you just might have a revelation and ask a question worth your time, if not mine. (but we both know you’re not really interest in that.)

Eve asks: “Would you please ask Gawd what I did to deserve this?
P.S. I am pretty sure I know so ax….. Him what I can do to make it up to Him.“

[sigh]

I wasn’t going to respond to this, but as you are new to the blog, I thought I’d be nice.

There’s nothing you need to do to make anything up to me. I don’t much care what you did, nor do I care what you think you need to do to repent. This is yet another prime example of humans burdening their own problems on me. Why do you all pine for my forgiveness? It’s your conscious. It’s your guilt. You make it up to yourself. Steal, murder, rape — do whatever you want. There are no rules in my kingdom; only those that you have made for yourselves. Confession has nothing to do with me and everything to do with you. If I were to spend my days answering all these ridiculous questions, I would scarcely have time for my more productive endeavors (i.e. plagues, earthquakes, tsunamis, etc.)

Still want my forgiveness? I’ll be a sport.

Strip down, smear your body with chile con queso from head to toe and streak through your local mall. I know, I know…it’s a little unorthodox; the whole rosary bead thing was always a bit tame for my taste.

Tiggy asks: “I’m trying to cut down on the liquor. I was wondering if you could recommend any other stimulating substance that could take its place?

Seeing as you invented it all, I’m assuming most of it is pretty good.

Why the hell you’d ever want cut back on drinking is beyond even me; my recommendation would be to drink more, but seeing as you’ve made up your mind, I do have some colorful alternatives that should help numb your human condition.

The obvious choice of course would be Opium in any of its creative forms. Opium has a rich and glorious history dating back to time immemorial; if it was good enough for the Greeks, Arabs, Romans, Sumerians, Assyrians, Minoans, Persians and the Egyptians, it should be good enough for you. You simply cannot get more ‘tried and true.’ Tranquilizers are another wonderful option; they reduce physical tension, dull your thinking and induce sleep. Just perfect if you want to ’slip away’ or vacation in oblivion. Benzodiazepines are also fun. Valium, Librium, Xanax; can’t overlook the old favorites. Any of these should fill the void, or at least, send you into one=]

I can tell you’re about to ask, so I’ll answer it now. My favorite drink: the ‘Flaming Blow Job.’

50 bottles Jack Daniels
25 gallons of Everclear
35 gallons chocolate milk
25 cans of whipped cream

Pour booze into a decent size kiddie pool, spray the cans of whipped cream on top and set the damned thing on fire. Invite friends and serve.

GOD

Want advice from God? Ask him a question in the comments and he will answer.

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So where is the humor about Ringo Starr telling his fans to stop sending him fan mail beginning today (October 21st)?

“Ringo Starr doesn’t want to hear from you. If you do write, your letter will end up in the trash. After 45 years of stardom, he doesn’t want to spend any more time answering mail or sending signed photos back to fans.”

[Video link]

I mean we are talking about the genius behind the Beatles after all. Ringo Starr also was the band’s first choice for a drummer and had no luck whatsoever in becoming a B-list celebrity.

According to the video he is way too busy to thank all the people who bought all his crappy solo albums. Ringo must be doing all those concerts everyone always wants to go see. People always put Starr on their short list of musicians they want to see in their lifetime. Led Zeppelin? KISS? Rolling Stones? Second bananas compared to Mr. Yellow Submarine.

So everyone show their love and support for Ringo Starr by sending him lots of fan mail. Lots.

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[Humor Blogs.com has funny blogs that make fun of B-List celebrities with over-inflated egos.]

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Time for the fifth in the series of ‘US Voter Jokes‘, the fun political humor comic strip that satirizes what our politicians say about us behind closed doors. You know, what they really think. What follows may or may not surprise you…

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Welcome back everyone to another installment of Bloggers Speak where Angry Seafood sits down with fellow humor bloggers for some interesting and of course funny discussions. Today I am joined by Leeuna Foster from Leeuna’s humor blog.

How’s it hanging Leeuna?

Oh, you know. Its hangi…I mean it’s good…I’m good, for a woman who is it-less. How about yourself?

What should we do about the French?

We should wuv them and hug them and…well maybe we shouldn’t go that far. Maybe just send them a ‘thank you’ note for giving us the fry, the kiss, the bread and Pepé Le Pew. Oh yeah, and the toast.

What would be the funniest way to die?

To laugh one’s self to death I suppose, or to get run over by the Good Humor man. Actually, is there a “funny” way to die?

Van Halen Question- Sammy or Dave?

No thank you. I’m currently seeing someone.

Your significant other tells you that the news that semen can be used as an alternative fuel source. Never leave the house or take a trip cross-country?

Take a trip cross-country I suppose. No sense stock-piling.

What celebrity would you curse with a plague and why?

Jane Fonda. May she awaken some morning to find all the precious stones of the world in her kidneys. Why? Why not? She’s a communist!

Your thoughts on the following video:

[Video Link for email subscribers.]

Oh! My eyes! I could only watch about four seconds. They reminded me of my junior high cheerleading squad back in the 19…uh…the junior high days. And that open front shirt! Eeewww! May our species never, ever, dress that way again.

You are the producer of Karate Kid V: Reunion . The storyline is: Johnny and Daniel have to team up to stop Jet-Li from taking over the world. Pitch the movie to the readers.

Daniel tells Johnny that he must help him stop Jet-Li from taking over the world. He threatens to beat the crap out of Johnny (again) if he refuses to help. Johnny hands another trophy to Danial and bows just as a fly buzzes by (on a wire that is clearly visible to anyone watching the film). Daniel catches the fly with his chopsticks and it changes into Mr. Miyagi who has arisen from the dead.

Mr. Miyagi subtly teaches Jet-Li to dance, reflecting his earlier method (just like in all the other K.K. movies) of teaching a certain skill while appearing to teach another. He then shows Jet-Li a prom dress he has bought for him. Mr. Miyagi has only guessed at size and style, but it fits Jet-Li perfectly.

Jet-Li goes to the prom with both Johnny and Daniel and they all team up and beat up all the teachers.
Johnny bows to Jet-Li, hands him a trophy and says, “Jet-Li, you’re alright,” and he forgets about taking over the world.

Thanks for taking the time to do this humor blogger interview. Any parting thoughts?

My thoughts rarely part. Should they? No seriously, thanks for having me on your blog. It’s been fun.

Leeuna’s question for the readers:

Why do so many multi-millionaires from Nigeria die each week in airplane crashes? Is there something wrong with air traffic control?

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Would you like to be interviewed by Angry Seafood? Hit me up and we can make it happen.

[Humor-blogs.com has lots of funny blogs about things like how ointment is a fun word to say.]

[Humor Bloggers.com is another place to find funny humor blogs about Bavarian transexual midgets.]

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The band No More Kings takes humor, the Karate Kid, and 80’s nostalgia to new levels with their video ‘Sweep The Leg’.

In the video we re-visit Johnny, Daniel, and a bunch of other people including the ‘put him in a body bag‘ guy. The song is not super great but the video rocks. There’s even a surprise ending.

Enjoy.

[Humor-blogs.com loves the Karate Kid as well as funny blogs. Go there to vote on some of them including mine.]

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“Arcade possesses a genius level I.Q. and has a natural aptitude for mechanics, architecture, and applied technology. A brilliant and innovative self-taught designer, Arcade applies his talents to the construction of the amusement park-like complexes of death traps which he calls Murderworlds.”

Obviously Arcade is not a top-notch villain. He was also absent at the evil doers meeting where they discussed how Scooby Doo and the gang repeatedly thwarted bad guys running scary amusement parks.

Not only was there a warning that amusement parks are bad ideas but Arcade also never realized how difficult it is to lure super heroes to Murderworld.

Arcade would eventually be caught and sentenced to jail time. While in San Quentin he worked out a lot and even developed a stand-up routine. You can now find him touring America and being Paul Stanley’s Gene Simmons’ chauffeur under the name Carrot Top.

{Ed note: Wow am I an idiot or what? The guy who pays attention to pop culture and things like reality shows and I mix up Paul Stanley with Gene Simmons. }

[Humor-blogs.com has lots of funny blogs and some even talk about comic book heroes that are not lame.]

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Is your economic situation lacking humor? Are your finances no laughing matter? Have no fear because Angry Seafood is here to help with a financial tip for these tough times.

Financial Tip Number 213: How to Eat Dinner for Free

This one will save you a ton of money because it strikes at the core of your budget: food expense.

Most people cook and eat their meals at home. Rarely does anyone eat out all the time. This means you can expect people in your social circle like your friends and family to sit down at a relatively consistent time every night for supper. Find out what time this is and pay a visit then.

Do not ask for any food but prepare to be offered. Be sure to turn it down the first time, making up an excuse like you already ate or you will have something at home later. They will ask you again as a nice gesture and this is when you take them up on the offer.

“Well I guess so, if there’s enough for everyone.”

Repeat this for all seven days of the week and no longer are you paying for dinner, thus leaving only two meals a day to worry about financially. There will be a slight cost in gas usage but with falling oil prices this is a minor factor.

Do you have a financial tip for your fellow readers? Leave it in the columns so everyone can save money together.

[Humor-blogs.com won't help you save any money but they do have a ton of funny blogs.]

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When the world gives you the talent and lack of any kind of checks and balance system for your ego, it’s always good to give something valuable back to the world. Unfortunately, my weekly political humor column every Thursday at Radioactive Liberty is not it. Still I press on…

This week’s column is ‘Voter Fraud is No Big Deal‘ and it is a telling reality political humor check on how dumb it is to talk about character, cheating, and meaningless things like those in an election.

(Sometimes this announcement post beats the column publishing, so check back later if it is not there right away.)

[Humor-Blogs.com is not radioactive and I'm not too sure about the liberties they take over there, but they do have a ton of funny blogs.]

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