John Nobody for President Acceptance Speech

Welcome back everyone to Cable Local Access Channel 23’s final day of political humor coverage of the 2008 Bull Moose Crap Party Convention. It is a big day today as John Nobody, the party’s nomination for President is about to give his acceptance speech. Since this campaign began John Nobody was a breath of fresh air into the elections, offering sound ideas and solid rhetoric that America wants to hear. I’m getting word John is about to take the stage…we’re going live…what’s he’s already speaking?…God damn even NPR radio is more professional….and I really have to stop leaving my mic on…

…unlike Don Lewis who is pro-bestiality.

America we have a financial crisis and our leaders in Washington are doing nothing but protecting their cronies without any regard to your debt. Don Lewis’ plan for economic recovery is actually a copy of Chris Cameron’s plan to help the homeless.

I’m here to tell you that all changes when I am elected. After talking with many expert economists and people in the financial industry I have determined that there is one solution: drop a couple of zeroes from our currency. No longer will your credit card debt be $8,000. With my ‘Rollback the Prices’ pledge, that burden becomes $80, something any family can manage.

With my pledge credit will free up and we will be able to get more loans to buy whatever we like. Restaurants like Applebee’s will be able to continue to open new locations across the street from every Chili’s and down the road from every Denny’s until every American is able to eat out for breakfast, lunch, and dinner three times a day, seven days a week. Everyone will be able to buy a home again, no money down.

The American Dream will be realized on my watch, I can promise you.

America we have an energy crisis. The winter months are coming and the price of home heating oil remains high. Many will be unable to afford to stay warm. Washington is not worried because they claim Global Warming will solve this problem. Of course Don Lewis, the candidate of last resort, wants to pay for everyone to have sweaters as a solution to energy policy.

Plaid sweaters no less.

I say this is frivolous at best. Don doesn’t tell you where the money will come from and during these tough times the last thing Americans need are more taxes to pay for Don’s clothing welfare programs. If I am elected I pledge everyone will get coupons for a three-pack of wool socks from WalMart and it will cost the taxpayer nothing*.

America it is time for strong leadership not rhetoric about hot women in the White House or plaid clothing welfare programs. Don Lewis will dress you up like an extra in a Scottish Highlander Games entertainment troupe but he won’t put food on your table. He won’t even buy you bagpipes.

I’m John Nobody and I will put food on your table. Nobody knows what America needs. Nobody will work for you in Washington.

Good day and God bless America.

[Balloons fall from the ceiling as the crowd exploded in cheers and applause. LOBO gets on stage with a midget and a monkey.]

*The US government is not liable if the coupons expire before all mailings are completed.

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Come back Monday for the exclusive Bloggers Speak interview with Uncle Beau from the humor blog The Nothing Report.

Did you miss LOBO’s historic Vice-President acceptance speech?

Humor-Blogs.com does not endorse a particular Presidential candidate but they do have funny blogs that you can vote on. Now that’s democracy in action.

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