October, 2008

Welcome to Bloggers Speak where I sit down with fellow humorists and ask them a bunch of crazy and odd questions. Today I am joined by none other than VE from the humor blog ‘VE’s Fantastical Nonsense‘.

How’s it hanging VE?

Hey, I’m just glad “it” is actually hanging. I mean, come on, Mr. Bobbit…well he couldn’t say the same there for awhile. None of the pets I know and vote with can either. So yeah, it’s good to be hanging!

Would you be surprised if you walked into an electronic voting booth next week and it said ‘To vote in English press one”?

You know, it wouldn’t worry me. Thanks to my Porta-Babelfish-Translation-gadget with the turbo charged USB port (not starboard) that is available in no stores and for a limited time only I can translate political-ease into English with a mere push of a button. I’m not sure which button on the gadget will do that though because they’re all in flippin’ Spanglish! But as soon as the guys come over to mow my lawn I’m sure I’ll be able to ask them.

Out of all the sitcoms of the 80’s which one was the least-funniest tv show?

Well I gotta go with Alf! I mean ask PETA. You can’t harbor rare species or aliens in your house people! And the fact that Alf eats cats for dinner; cat owners don’t find that funny! What if we were to have copy cat aliens coming down eating peoples cats because they saw it on Alf? It wasn’t very PC either. The hairy-people special interest group hadn’t been formed yet then but had they it surely would have been a lawsuit waiting to happen as they were always making fun of that!

Van Halen question- Sammy or Dave?

I have a special place in my heart because Sammy couldn’t drive 55. I cannot either. I try, I really do. But I just don’t have the patience. I feel much more comfortable at 135. You don’t get sleepy at 135. They get really pissed about it out by the elementary school though. But I digress.

No, I can’t abide Sammy; he’s just a fill in! First it’s Sammy filling in for David “I-got-a big-head-and-went-solo-only-to-end-up-in-Vegas” Lee Roth. Second, Eddie is looking so old these days even Keith Richard sent him some of that age defying skin cream! Which means it doesn’t matter because it’s all irrelevant now; they both can collect social security and has-been rock royalties and state fair appearance profits.

Personally, I think they should go ahead with stem cell research and genetically fuse the two of them together into Dammy to avoid the confusion once and for all! Dammy can’t drive 55 but he can jump! As long as he doesn’t break a hip that is…

If our furniture suddenly came alive and attacked all humans, would we have the resolve to fight a long war?

I’ve been anticipating this happening for many years. They’ve been secretly moving around via Craig’s List and Ebay for years now just plotting and getting into place. I never trusted those Lazy Boy chairs; they’re a trap for sure. They just lure you in and will swallow you up. I’m sure those levers you think will recline you back into a comfortable stupor will actually be launching missiles toward their main enemy: pets. That’s right; they want to take out pets first. They do the most damage to furniture after all.

I’m worried for humanity though. I don’t think in these times we have the resolve for a long war with furniture. We haven’t shown that we can resolve anything! It will be our downfall for sure. Plus, we won’t have anything to sit on to strategize. Comfortable strategizing is the key to success! Well, that and a good whiteboard.

As a follow-up to the last question describe the chaos being in an IKEA store at that exact moment.

It would be seemingly the worst possible place to be should furniture achieve consciousness. But luckily I know that to not be true given my thorough humorous study of IKEA.

You see, the great part about being trapped in IKEA is that their floor plan is so confusing furniture can’t possibly comprehend how to move around in there. Humans can; they just don’t like to. Using the specially designed shopping carts they use in there with the independent turning for every wheel, humans will be able to move much faster than most of the furniture.

One must also consider that only a fraction of the furniture is assembled too. Most of them will be too busy assembling their buddies based on unbelievably ridiculous assembly instructions that they won’t be able to battle with the humans right away. Fortunately even those that can battle are made of the cheapest material available so one good jump onto an attacking futon for example, and it’ll be out of commission. The import thing is for humans not to panic! Thing like furniture achieving consciousness happen all the time…

You are the best man at this wedding. Give us some of your reception speech.

“When I first me Sally, I was skeptical about her marrying Tom. I didn’t think she’d get her feet wet with that! But I’m glad for Tom she took the plunge. Together they can really pool their resources after that unfortunate dip in the economy. I’m also hoping they have a wonderful trip through life together. They should be able to handle it swimmingly!”

Why is a tin hat ok but a head scarf not ok if you are an Obama fan?

Ok, you would to THINK it was related to overzealous concerns that democrats don’t want terrorism linked to Obama by virtue of having Muslems with scarves seen publicly with him because you know the God fearing folks of this country that cannot read will automatically assume Obama is a terrorist himself and therefore not vote for him. Whew.

Well, you would be WRONG! A friend of a friend who’s wife’s ex-lover’s sister pet guinea pig told them that actually Obama doesn’t want his secret cross dressing addiction to leak out at this particular time. By hiding out in a bush for 17 days eating stale donuts and warm soda pop, VE investigators were able to obtain this photo:

Thanks for taking the time to do this VE. Any final thoughts?

Yeah, if they keep calling it Final Jeopardy, why does the show come on again the next day? Is there definition of final different than mine?

VE’s question for the readers:

Good hygiene is import to VE. Besides picking my nose, biting my nails and digging out ear wax in my car at stop lights, are there any other critical grooming things I could be doing while waiting in traffic?

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Don’t forget you only have a couple more days to win a copy of ‘How to Profit from the Coming Rapture‘. Hurry over to the latest God Answers advice column and enter the contest before it is too late!

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Welcome to the God Answers advice column where the Big Man himself dispenses valuable wisdom to those who seek it. This week we have a special addition to the column: a contest for you the readers! Yes that is right, you could win a copy of ‘How to Profit from the Coming Rapture‘. Details at the end of the post.

JumpOut asks: “If I pray really hard will it increase the traffic to my blog?”

I’d like to suggest that you watch the video of Ringo Starr, genius behind the beatles here on this blog; his disposition mirrors my own.

Seriously, what the hell makes you so special? Get in line with the billions before you and take a fucking number. Apparently there’s a popular belief that I have nothing else better to do with my time than to answer all the prayers of the world; it’s all noise and I’ve become very good at tuning it out. So please, pray to someone or something else; the response time will be much better and you’ll be more pleased with the results.

Mark asks: “How does one protect against the unintended effects of a “flaming blow job”?

I’m not quite sure if you’re referring to pregnancy or catching yourself on fire; having the garden hose on hand will suffice for the latter. Please drink responsibly.

Rickey asks: “God is a real sunuvabitch, isn’t he?”

I like to think I’ve mellowed out throughout the ages; haven’t you ever read the Old Testament?

muskrat asks: “Why do my balls smell?”

The odor from your genitals was carefully designed to identify and attract other members of your species and is caused by several forms of naturally growing bacteria. This bacteria on your skin multiples exponentially in the presence of sweat. Understanding that humans have learned to abhor their own natural scents in a vein attempt to deny inherent beastliness, I would suggest bathing or deodorizing if it becomes bothersome to yourself or others. Best of luck!

GOD

And now it is contest time…

Leave your question for God in the comments below and the best three chosen by me will win a free copy of ‘How to Profit from the Coming Rapture‘! The winners will be announced in next week’s column.

There are a few rules of course:

~One question per person.
~You must use a valid email address or I won’t be able to contact you.
~Entry deadline is Sunday, November 2, 11:59pm EST.

Good luck everyone!

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Getting Ahead When You’re Left Behind

The Rapture is coming and more importantly then will you survive is: are there any good investment opportunities?

‘How to Profit from the Coming Rapture‘ by Steve and Evie Levy, as told to Ellis Weiner and Barbara Davilman is the complete tongue-in-cheek humor guide to all the financial options available when the End Days arrive and billions are left behind.

Like the lucky ones floating off into the sky it is best to have a plan.

The guide gives some great examples of how to fiscally thrive in seven years of Hell on Earth (It’s a dry heat so it could be worse), from selling people photos of their loved ones being Raptured away to robe cleaning services for the 144,000 evangelists trying to convert everyone to Judism.

‘How to Profit from the Coming Rapture‘ helps you identify where and when to buy and sell certain investment vehicles like All-Unity Non-Taxable Investment Coupons (”Auntie-C’s“) and False Prophet Indeterminate Coupons (”F-Picks“). It deftly points out intriguing niche market opportunities in Israel.

The book also does an excellent job of defining the different stages of the End Times. Not sure if George Bush or Barack Obama is the Antichrist? Does a Israel/Palestine treaty signify the opening of one of the seven seals? At what stage should I trade my stockpile of canned tuna for a 2002 Nissan Maxima SE?

From the moment the First Seal is opened until God himself becomes our roommate, ‘Rapture‘ offers two-hundred-plus pages of ways you can make money while everyone else is trying to avoid death, famine, moving islands, meteors with amazing accuracy, and horsemen riding around killing people. Crazy ones with lions for heads.

I mean the horses not the people.

‘How to Profit from the Coming Rapture‘ was a fun read and my only complaint is that I didn’t think of the concept first.

Would you like to win a copy of ‘Rapture‘? Then get your best questions ready for tomorrow’s God Answers advice column and you could be a winner!

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Time for the sixth and final humor cartoon in the series of ‘US Voter Jokes‘, the fun political humor comic strip that satirizes what our politicians say about us behind closed doors. You know, what they really think. The funny thing is as of next week one of these guys will be making fun of US voters in the Oval Office.

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Welcome to another edition of Bloggers Speak and this week I interview…myself from this humor blog. Time for me to sit down with me. This feels weird already.

I picked some of the questions I asked in the past along with why the hell I want to know everyone’s favorite choice for front man for Van Halen.

How’s it hanging Chris?

Pretty good but it depends. I’m trying to keep it on the other side to even out that bend I developed.

If you could create a television series what would it be?

“Schlepping in Space”

A series about a group of Jews traveling around the universe. They can make jokes like “this food replicator always makes the matzo ball soup salty.” or “That’s the last time we loan money to the alien planet Zuranus!“. Inside the spaceship all the furniture has plastic covers. Think of it more like Star Trek and less like the immortal ‘Jews in Space’  bit by Mel Brooks.

Van Halen Question- Sammy or Dave?

Dave of course. This question is a tribute to one of my favorite bosses ever, Bill Ford who asks that to everyone he meets for the first time.

If you could create your own court procedural drama what would it focus on?

I have this idea and it is nothing like Hill Street Blues or NYPD Blue. It’s fresh and innovative. It focuses on the professional lives of the cops and prosecutors who represent the public sector in the criminal justice system from arrest to trial. Then to make it even better we use high tech and forensics to unveil the circumstances behind mysterious deaths and other crimes.

I’m guessing you could also branch off other areas like maybe special victims unit or from the criminal’s viewpoint. You could also have different shows in different cities like Miami or Las Vegas.

What would be the funniest way to die?

You win the lottery but just as you arrive at the lottery headquarters a gust of wind blows the ticket out of your hand and into the street. You rush out to grab it not seeing the bus twenty feet away barreling at you at 25 MPH. You narrowly avoid the bus but a hippie grabbed the ticket and ran into the headquarters to cash it in. Failing to produce ID because hippies don’t have money or carry wallets, he had to go home to get his state-issued identification card.

Seizing the opportunity, you go to a costume shop and purchase a hippie costume. You sneak into Starbucks where the thief is busy writing a “Bush Sucks” blog entry. While he is distracted you grab the ticket and run out the door, the hippie giving chase.

Both of you arrive at lottery headquarters at the same time and an argument ensues. You finally win and get to claim your prize. As you step outside a crazed person with a knife sees you and yells “I hate hippies!”. He lunges at you and kills you.

After that the crazy person high-fives the hippie.

Thanks for taking the time to do this me. Any final thoughts?

Yeah visit Angry Seafood. Oh wait this is my blog.

Chris’ question for the readers:

Is the future just like the present only longer?

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Special Announcement: This weekly interview segment will be moving to Fridays beginning October 31. (Yeah this Friday and it is a sit down with VE.)

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There is no humor in being anal about deleting my spam but I have no choice. Since I need to look through the folder to see if any of my groupie chicks hit me up for some cyber, deleting it is a foregone conclusion.

Some days I don’t get a chance to do this and there are a hundred spam emails waiting to be clicked. For some reason I didn’t delete anything but rather just read through all the titles.

“Get Term Life Insurance with No Exam!”

“Get rid of all your debt”

“Satellite TV 20 Bucks a Month!”

As I scrolled down I began to notice a pattern: Spam mail is the solution to everyone’s problems. Think about it. They can enlarge your penis and breasts. They can get you a loan. They can find you a great relationship today.

In fact, as I write this two new singles want to talk to me! Right now!

Is there anything spam main can not do??!!

I want to watch 1,056 tv channels on my PC. I want to work with CraigsList and make money off of Google. I need the ShamWow. I don’t know why I pay too much for cable but I bet spam mail will help me.

Yes, by the way I do want to see those pics. They are of a woman right?

I need to trim my pet’s paws. I am ready to retire and get ten free ringtones instantly. I really could use a year’s supply of diapers.

I repeat is there anything spam mail can not do?

I rest my case your honor.

Do you have any examples of how amazing spam mail is? Post yours in the comments below.

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Thanks to my winning VE’s humor blog contest I had him clean out my garage and post about it…

It gets even better. Read the rest of the humor post.

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The 2008 political humor election season would not be complete without a debate face off between John Nobody and Don Lewis.You have waited at least weeks for this to go down and now you can find out what happened in my weekly column at Radioactive Liberty.

[This post might publish before the post at RL goes up so come back later if you don't find the debate.]

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Don’t forget to visit the God Answers advice column. We all need our questions answered and who better then the Big Guy Himself.

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