The $700 billion bailout deal is done….wait a minute…its not…

When I started writing this on Thursday afternoon the deal had been struck. There would be a $700 billion dollar bailout of the financial institutions. Talk about a Ninja mortgage!

But I thought they weren’t going to rush it? Lloyd “Johnny Donuts” Doggett (D-Tex) even said this Wednesday:

“This notion that we would approve this bailout-700 Billion-today or tomorrow is irresponsible.”

Then they go and almost agree on it the next day. Maybe Lloyd meant the tomorrow after Tuesday not Wednesday.

Henry “The Wop” Paulson was very concerned about our feelings of course during the meetings leading up to the deal:

“The American people are angry about executive compensation and rightfully so.”

When there is a crisis you want people who are experts in their field. Let me tell you Paulson is an expert, to the tune of $163 million dollars in total pay as CEO of Goldman Sachs in 2006 . If anyone knows about over-compensation it is him. I hear Richard “Shifty” Fuld is also available for any future meetings or summits.

At the same meetings, Fed Chief Ben “the Bull” Bernanke tried to reassure us:

“We don’t know what the long-term cost or benefit will be. But it is certain to my mind that if there is some loss, it will be much less then $700 Billion. It will be a percentage of that.”

Can someone please remind Ben that percentages can be above 100%? And when it comes to the government you usually start at 100% and work your way up.

“It’s not an expenditure it is an acquisition of assets.”

That sounds to me like we are buying assets. Maybe we can take out a sub-prime loan to pay for it.

George “Lefty” Bush spelled it out clearly on Wednesday night in hopes a deal would be done quickly:

“Without immediate action by Congress, America could slip into a financial panic and a distressing scenario would result.”

He also left out the original ending of that speech:

“But hey good luck with all of this, I’m outta here in a couple of months. Now if anybody needs anything I’ll be in Crawford. God Bless America. Yeehhaaahhhhh!!!”

Then on Thursday afternoon the wishes of the financial leeches were realized when Chuck “The Greaseball” Schumer, Chris “Whitey” Dodd, and Barney “Shady” Frank had a press conference to announce the deal. See when you get nearly $27 million dollars in campaign contributions from financial companies you get to be the one that goes in front of the cameras with the news. That’s called a perk.

Barney Frank by the way really gets the short end of the stick, no pun intended when it comes to campaign contributions. Schumer and Dodd got about 5-6 times more money then Frank. Hell, even Deborah “Nails” Pryce got almost $400,000 more then him and nobody knows who the hell she is.

He really needs to ask for a raise.

So here we are hours later, and the deal is off. The billions of dollars companies like Lehman Brothers, AIG and other financials poured into the politicians’ campaigns of everyone on the banking committees of the House and Senate were for nothing.

Good thing too because all of us almost took on another $2,300 each in debt in one day. It was the equivalent of being expected to put out after being taken on a first date to McDonald’s then to the crappy movie Babylon A.D.

At least buy us lobster and steak. And use a lubricant.

(All quotes are from the USA non-online version, Thursday Sept 25^th edition. Mafia nicknames are not.)

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Tune in Monday for another funny interview, this time with Uncle Beau from the humor blog The Nothing Report.

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