September, 2008

Time for another edition of ‘US Voter Jokes‘, the fun political humor comic strip that satirizes what our politicians say about us behind closed doors. You know, what they really think.The answers may or may not surprise you…

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Tune in tomorrow for Day One of John Nobody’s That-Which-Cannot-Be-Named Party’s convention hosted by Local Cable Access Channel 23.

Don’t forget to check out the humor and creepiness of ad spokes-characters like Chocolate Man and Smiling Bob in yesterday’s post.

Humor-blogs.com is a democracy. Go there to vote on funny blogs like this one.

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One of the creepiest things I have ever written about in this humor blog is the new Axe Dark Chocolate pitchman, Chocolate Man. He is not the first in the wave of uncomfortable spokespersons in advertising but Chocolate Man won’t be the last. You can be sure of that.

No dude it is creepy but besides that fact tying together food and sexy fragrances is, well weird. There was that perfume women wore in the 90’s called Vanilla Fields and it made them smell like cupcakes. I dated this one girl who wore it and all we did was go out to eat. Perfume/cologne should not make you hungry.

Next up on the list of creepy ad mascots is The King.

I think they should have someone playing him in every Burger King. His job is to walk around, sit down next to people eating and stare uncomfortably at them. What the hell, make a reality show out of it. There’s a lot of potential there. They could even make a special edition DVD with all the outtakes from people who don’t take kindly to The King creeping them out. They could call it: “When Fast Food Patrons Attack”

Then there is Smiling Bob from the Enzyte commercials.

Despite the creepy factor those ads were much less gross then the Viva Viagra commercials.  A bunch of guys sitting around in a jam session singing about how they can’t wait to have sex with their wives when they get home almost makes me want to take a Crying Game shower.

(Video link for feed readers)

The winner hands down though has to be the Six Flags guy.

How that one got the green light is amazing to me. I would have loved to be a fly on the wall for the pitch meeting…

Pitchman: “Okay, so we have this old guy with a funny-looking face wearing odd clothing dancing and asking kids to get on his bus so he can take them to our amusement park.”

Pitchman’s assistant: “Right, but it’s not Michael Jackson.”

Pitchman: “And we start the campaign off by advertising on milk cartons.”

Six Flags Executive: “Are you kidding?”

Pitchman: “No.”

Six Flags Executive: “I love it! When can we have the ads done?”

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The Bloggers Speak interview segment usually scheduled for Monday was experiencing technical difficulties. Angry Seafood apologizes and blames it on global warming.

Coming up Tuesday is the second installment of ‘US Voter Jokes‘. This time around we get a sneak peak at one of the jokes the politicians were telling about us while they were busy bailing out their Wall Street friends last week.

Go back and check out this past weekend’s Musical Interlude for some amazing guitarists doing rock versions of ‘Canon in D’ as well as stand-up comic Rob Paravonian complaining about the subject.

Humor-Blogs.com has some creepy characters lurking in the corners but there are also a ton of funny blogs too.

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First up on the Weekend Musical Interlude we have JerryC’s version of the immortal ‘Canon in D’ by Johann Pachelbel. You probably have seen it before:

Pretty rocking right? You haven’t seen anything yet. Ahead is Matt Rach’s version. Look out Joe Satriani, there’s a new, better version of you:

He is simply amazing and this is something he did a couple of years ago.

On a side note both guitarists use the same version of Canon in D so if you time it right you can get both Matt and Jerry playing at the same time. It is an amazingly insane piece of music when you combine the two and worth a few extra minutes to synch them.

Here is some of Matt Rach’s other work:

R2D2 (This one rocks and reminds me of the music in those skiing videos on ESPN.)

Exotic Rain (Very creative one)

Crazy Bell (Another one that shows amazing creativity blending a few different styles)

Bringing us back to the humor theme that is this blog we have the very funny Rob Paravonian doing a great bit about Canon in D and how much he hates the song…

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Angry Seafood recently summed up exactly what the bailout plan means to the average American.

Come back on Monday for a great interview with Uncle Beau from The Nothing Report.

Humor-Blogs.com doesn’t have music but they have funny blogs. And skin flutes.

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When I started writing this on Thursday afternoon the deal had been struck. There would be a $700 billion dollar bailout of the financial institutions. Talk about a Ninja mortgage!

But I thought they weren’t going to rush it? Lloyd “Johnny Donuts” Doggett (D-Tex) even said this Wednesday:

“This notion that we would approve this bailout-700 Billion-today or tomorrow is irresponsible.”

Then they go and almost agree on it the next day. Maybe Lloyd meant the tomorrow after Tuesday not Wednesday.

Henry “The Wop” Paulson was very concerned about our feelings of course during the meetings leading up to the deal:

“The American people are angry about executive compensation and rightfully so.”

When there is a crisis you want people who are experts in their field. Let me tell you Paulson is an expert, to the tune of $163 million dollars in total pay as CEO of Goldman Sachs in 2006 . If anyone knows about over-compensation it is him. I hear Richard “Shifty” Fuld is also available for any future meetings or summits.

At the same meetings, Fed Chief Ben “the Bull” Bernanke tried to reassure us:

“We don’t know what the long-term cost or benefit will be. But it is certain to my mind that if there is some loss, it will be much less then $700 Billion. It will be a percentage of that.”

Can someone please remind Ben that percentages can be above 100%? And when it comes to the government you usually start at 100% and work your way up.

“It’s not an expenditure it is an acquisition of assets.”

That sounds to me like we are buying assets. Maybe we can take out a sub-prime loan to pay for it.

George “Lefty” Bush spelled it out clearly on Wednesday night in hopes a deal would be done quickly:

“Without immediate action by Congress, America could slip into a financial panic and a distressing scenario would result.”

He also left out the original ending of that speech:

“But hey good luck with all of this, I’m outta here in a couple of months. Now if anybody needs anything I’ll be in Crawford. God Bless America. Yeehhaaahhhhh!!!”

Then on Thursday afternoon the wishes of the financial leeches were realized when Chuck “The Greaseball” Schumer, Chris “Whitey” Dodd, and Barney “Shady” Frank had a press conference to announce the deal. See when you get nearly $27 million dollars in campaign contributions from financial companies you get to be the one that goes in front of the cameras with the news. That’s called a perk.

Barney Frank by the way really gets the short end of the stick, no pun intended when it comes to campaign contributions. Schumer and Dodd got about 5-6 times more money then Frank. Hell, even Deborah “Nails” Pryce got almost $400,000 more then him and nobody knows who the hell she is.

He really needs to ask for a raise.

So here we are hours later, and the deal is off. The billions of dollars companies like Lehman Brothers, AIG and other financials poured into the politicians’ campaigns of everyone on the banking committees of the House and Senate were for nothing.

Good thing too because all of us almost took on another $2,300 each in debt in one day. It was the equivalent of being expected to put out after being taken on a first date to McDonald’s then to the crappy movie Babylon A.D.

At least buy us lobster and steak. And use a lubricant.

(All quotes are from the USA non-online version, Thursday Sept 25^th edition. Mafia nicknames are not.)

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Tune in Monday for another funny interview, this time with Uncle Beau from the humor blog The Nothing Report.

Humor-blogs.com is a democracy. Go there to vote for funny blogs, especially this one.

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When the world gives you the talent and lack of any kind of checks and balance system for your ego, it’s always good to give something valuable back to the world. Unfortunately, my weekly political humor column every Thursday at Radioactive Liberty is not it. Still I press on…

This week’s column is ‘Political Humor Starts with Crisis, Ends with History‘ and it is my usual smart-ass viewpoint on the banking crisis and how much the politicians want to help us out. Enjoy.

(Sometimes this announcement post beats the column publishing, so check back later if it is not there right away.)

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Find out about the humor of working at a carnival in the latest ‘Rewinding the Eighties’ column.

Tune in tomorrow as Angry Seafood enjoys a day at Oktoberfest.

Humor-Blogs.com is not radioactive and I’m not too sure about the liberties they take over there, but they do have a ton of funny blogs.

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The Humor of Carnivals in the Eighties

A carnival used to arrive at the local vacant grass lot every spring in my hometown. I only lived a few blocks away from it and let me tell you this was a weird thing.

Every night hundreds of people walked past my house to the carnival then trudged back the other way a few hours later, coming down off their cotton candy highs and burdened with all the cheap stuffed animals, coke mirrors, and wall tapestries.

I could hear the sounds and the rides like I was living next to Six Flags for a week.

A fun thing I liked to do was head over to the carnival early in the morning and look under the rides for change. One time I found a joint in a cigarette pack and I sold it to an older kid I knew for a couple bucks. See most kids would have smoked it, but not me. I never saw the value of the Mary Jane.

Then I went to college.

But unfortunately reality and responsibility take over once you graduate and the days of smoking and drinking are replaced with diaper changing, play dates, and pumpkin picking. Unless you are Brittany Spears.

Speaking of responsibility, one of my first jobs was working at the carnival. I was fifteen and Van Halen’s ‘1984‘ was all over the radio.

Seriously, I think that was the only music played at the carnival that year. Hell, even the Flying Bobs ride (Himalaya for some of you) put aside the standards like ‘The Stroke‘ and ‘Hell’s Bells‘ for non-stop repeats of ‘Hot for Teacher‘ and ‘Jump‘.

The honest game of chance I worked at was the classic ‘throw the dart at the balloon‘ one. Of course the darts were crafted from the finest plastic and the tips weren’t bent to like a twenty-degree angle. Just like the milk bottles that are not made from cement. And the live goldfish you win as a prize from that stupid floating duck game isn’t suicidal as this past humor post pointed out.

I better stop now because the carnival industry will not be happy I am divulging their secrets.
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Don’t forget to check out the political humor cartoon US Voter Jokes for funny jokes that the politicians tell behind our backs.

Humor-blogs.com would never cheat you in a game of chance but the funny blogs you will find there are like a fun carnival ride or a cheap hooker. I haven’t figured out which one yet.

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I had a brainstorm the other day and the result is a new feature for this humor blog: a political humor comic strip. It is called US Voter Jokes and it is pure satire about how intelligent the politicians think we are and the jokes they tell about the voters behind closed doors. Enjoy.

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Miss yesterday’s humor blogger interview? It was a funny one with Julius from Julius Bloop.

How do you get a one-armed humor blog out of a tree? No idea but if you want to read funny blogs visit Humor-Blogs.com and exercise your right to vote for humor.
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Welcome to ‘Bloggers Speak‘ where I sit down with other humor bloggers and ask them a bunch of crazy and odd questions. Today I am joined by a newcomer to the blogsphere, Julius Bloop from the humor blog Julius Bloop.

How’s it hanging Julius?

Pretty great when I’m awake enough to enjoy life. And when I’m not thinking about things. Or doing stuff. Other than that, yeah, it’s hanging great!

Why would a man on a Harley be wearing a diaper and panty hose?

Um…because he’s wants an erection! Hello?

If Hollywood could make a sequel to any movie or another sequel what would be their worst choice and what would the plot be?

McDonalds, because first of all, it’s not a movie - it’s a fast food restaurant. Secondly, what are you going to serve at McDonald’s 2? Chinese food? It just makes no sense. But, it does make me want some drivethru Chinese food. Hey, I wonder if McDonalds 2 is open?

Van Halen question- Sammy or Dave?

Well, Dave might as well jump because Sammy can’t drive 55 so I figure the answer probably has something to do with the golden ratio. Although, I think if some radioactive goop spilled on their heads and made their hair sentient - Sammy’s hair would wrap around Dave’s like an anaconda and choke every last puffy cuticle out of his spandex-wearing scalp. Sammy’s hair wins.

What would America be like if Paris Hilton was President?

Oh, it would be vastly different. A rich and spoiled brat would rule the free world and her lack of experience wouldn’t matter. Heck, people would have voted her in based on her looks and political ties in spite of her alarmingly low level of intelligence. Oh, it would be much different indeed. My stars!

Someone makes the discovery that semen can be used as an alternative fuel source. How does the government attempt to regulate it?

You know those huge water towers that are in every town? And they usually have the name of the town written on it in huge letters? Well, basically the government would ignore those and just put more semen in Gatorade.

If you could create your own court procedural drama what would it focus on?

It would be a cross between Judge Judy, Law & Order, and Night Court. Except instead of being about the judiciary system, it’d just be a sassy old woman solving crimes in a hilarious manner. “Don’t pee on my leg and tell me he’s guilty!”

What should we do about the French?

I’ve never met a French, nor have I visited their homeland because I don’t like the tundra. They’re the ones that hunt whales and burn their blubber for heat, right? I’ve never met a whale either - I wonder if there are gay whales? Wow, this glue smells great!

Thanks for taking the time to do this Julius. Any final thoughts?

(Editor’s Note: I think he passed out from the glue.)

Julius’ question for the readers:

Can I borrow some money? Like a lot of it? Pretty much all you have and some of your parent’s? Most of your parents? All of your parents. Hey, can I borrow your parents?!

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If you would like to be interviewed hit me up and we will make it happen. My only requirement is that you actually be funny and you have a blog. Boring interviews don’t make for good ones around here.

Visit the home for funny blogs, Humor-blogs.com. They are the funniest blog directory on the internet. They even have a version for computers.

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