August, 2008

Welcome to ‘Bloggers Speak‘ where I sit down with other humor bloggers and ask them a bunch of crazy and odd questions. Today I am joined by none other than my ‘boss’ and very funny political humor-ist Fiar from Radioactive Liberty.

How’s it hanging Fiar?

Well, I’ve been stuck on a loop watching the Easy Curves infomercial, so you tell me. It’s just mesmerizing. They should give that a Grammy, a Tony, an Oscar, or an Elmo. Whatever kind of award it is that brilliant masterpieces get. Give it the Nobel too. I’m so glad Al Gore invented the internet.

Worst movie sequel ever made?

Every single solitary Star Wars movie. You see, to make a sequel, first you have to make a movie that doesn’t suck, and deserves a follow up. Star Wars was an abomination. So, it’s utterly pointless that there was ever even one sequel - never mind 12 or 76 or however many atrocious Star Wars movies there are. Now the Easy Curves infomercial, on the other hand, certainly warrants a sequel.

Why is a tin hat ok but a head scarf not ok if you are an Obama disciple?

You see, a tin hat reflects the death rays of the Vast Right Wing Conspiracy Machine. A head scarf conjures up images of Obama’s father’s heritage, and we’re not supposed to acknowledge that Barack Henry Obama is technically a Muslim by birth. In all honesty, this is only a problem inasmuch as the terrorists believe that turning your back on Islam should be punishable by death. So, no biggie. I hope he picks a good VP.

Van Halen question- Sammy or Dave?

Let me take this opportunity to say that the rumors permeating the internet are not true. I don’t masturbate that often. I’m not some kind of freak. Wait, what was the question? Oh, right. My vote goes to whichever one directed the Easy Curves infomercial. I think that was Dave.

If the Presidential Election was decided with a fist-fight who wins, Obama or McCain and what would the match be like?

Well, Obama would be running around crying and pissing his pants like a terrified little girl, and blubbering about “diplomacy” and “unconditional surrender,” But McCain might forget where he is and why, so it’s a draw.

What celebrity would you curse with a plague and why?

David Hasselhoff. I just want to punch that guy in the face every time I see him. He actually claimed to have been part of the inspiration for tearing down the Berlin Wall, because he performed there. I suppose it’s possible the German people just couldn’t bear the memory of his torturous performance there, but that’s nothing to brag about.

What would be the funniest way to kill a hippie moonbat?

Well, the best way is to spike their tofu with arsenic. I just love the irony of their precious “healthy” tofu killing them. But the funniest way has to be beating hippies. They’re so opposed to violence, so I just love the look on their face when they die by the thing they most fear. I think that Easy Curves thing should work pretty good at beating hippies with.

If you could create your own court procedural drama what would it focus on?

What do you mean, like Law and Order? I think it would focus on the making of the Easy Curves infomercial and beating hippies. It’s a formula that can’t lose.

Thanks for taking the time to do this Fiar. Any final thoughts?

I hate you. I hate the stupid look on your face. I hate the odd smell you always have.

I meant to say, Easy Curves! And remember kids, masturbation will not make you go blind. That’s just a lie parents tell their kids because they don’t want them to enjoy themselves in the safety of their own homes.

Oh, and uh. Thanks for the interview I suppose.

Fiar’s question for the readers:

Why are you still here? Did you not see the link to Easy Curves?

Would you like to sit down for a Bloggers Speak interview? All you need is to be a part of a humor blog and be funny then contact me to make it happen.

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This is a call to anyone in the Humor-Blogs.com directory who would like to join myself and Rickey from Riding with Rickey in the HBFFL, Humor Bloggers Fantasy Football League.

I’ve made it as easy and as fun as possible with an auto-draft and no negative points (like for interceptions thrown). I hate negative points. Dumbest idea in fantasy sports.

Anyways, it is a head-to-head league and top four make the playoffs (wks 15 and 16). If you have never tried fantasy sports and are thinking about it, this is a great chance for you to get your feet wet. Plus, vet fantasy football owners like myself like new meat, I mean blood. Whoops.

Oh yes, and it is free. No cost. The only thing I ask of you is to stay committed to your team for the fourteen weeks of the fantasy football season.

This is a ten-team league so eight spots are left, and it is first come first serve. Leave a reply in the comments if you want in, or contact me via the, um well, contact page. If you have any questions about this, don’t hesitate to ask.

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Doing humor posts about odd news stories is a blog staple so I figured what the hell. When the lead story is about Greenpeace, their dirty ‘Forest Love‘ video, and how much they will slum to try and push their moonbat agenda this post is a no-brainer.

Racy Greenpeace video aims to preserve forests

“Environment lobby Greenpeace has released a racy video called “Forest Love,” with fondling, moaning and gyrating trees to revitalise a campaign against illegal logging. The suggestive clip was meant to remind the European Commission of the importance of protecting the world’s forests, said a statement on the website of the Amsterdam-based body.”

Yes, Greenpeace wants people to go into the woods, have forest love, and record it on camera so they can compile the best-looking acts into a presentation to the EXECUTIVE BRANCH OF THE EUROPEAN UNION about the evils of logging. Why not include video of a midget having sex with a monkey to highlight the plight of endangered animals? It may be perverted but hey sex sells, right Greenpeace? Seriously, will all the moonbats hurry up and die already so we can back to a normal world of humor and reason.

Woman riding a donkey fights off lion with machete

“A Mexican woman said she fought a 500-pound lion with a machete near the resort city of Acapulco and scared him away. Celsa Aleman said she and her 7-year-old niece were riding a donkey Monday along a road when the lion went after the animal’s legs.”

Is that not the best headline you have ever read? Throw in a clown suit and maybe a midget and we are talking tv-movie material. I know, I have an obsession with little people. And donkeys. Humor me.

Greyhound scraps ads after Canada bus beheading

“Greyhound has scrapped an ad campaign that extolled the relaxing upside of bus travel after one of its passengers was accused of beheading and cannibalizing another traveler.Witnesses said Li attacked McLean unprovoked, stabbing him dozens of times…as horrified passengers fled the bus, Li severed McLean’s head, displaying it to some of the passengers outside the bus, witnesses said.”

The rumors that the suspect’s girlfriend said that “once you see a man holding a severed head it is hard to look at him sexually again” are untrue.

Blow-up church looks to lure beachgoers

“Catholic nuns and priests in Italy are following their flocks to the beach this summer, establishing an inflatable church and a beach-convent in the sands to lure sunbathers…’There will be four or five people singing, with music about God…’ “

If the nuns were anything like the ones in my Catholic elementary school I really don’t want them rubbing suntan lotion on my back. That goes for the priests too.

Do you like funny blogs that make fun of Greenpeace? Me too so make sure you visit Humor-Blogs.com. And try the veal while you are there. The moonbats hate when you do that.

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Good thing there weren’t such things as vision problems for our hero of the Shire.

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This is it folks. The back-to-school ads are on television. Summer camps are winding down. The days get shorter. Depressed yet? Not to worry everyone because there is still one more month of summer left (no kidding really Chris?) and some interesting and not-so-interesting movies are coming out in August.

On a side note the people that write the taglines and plot summaries for movies really suck at it. Half of the ones below were written by me. If you have to use four sentences to explain a plot you can’t be a very good copywriter. Hmm maybe I should look into that as a source of income. Anyways…

The Mummy: Tomb of the Dragon Emperor
August 1

The O’Connells must stop a mummy awoken from a 2,000-year-old curse who threatens to plunge the world into his merciless, unending service.

The roller-coaster ride franchise is back again with the third installment, this time in China and the Himalayan mountains. Once again somebody wakes up a mummy. Eve is being played by Maria Bello and Jet-Li plays the undead bad guy. These films are enjoyable but please let this one be the last. They are slowly getting worse.

Midnight Meat Train
August 1

A photographer explores the darker side of the city and discovers murder.

It is tough to go wrong with a Clive Barker horror film. I wish I was into this genre because it looks like a really creepy/sadistic movie and I think horror fans will enjoy this one.

Swing Vote
August 1

A deat-beat’s daughter’s Election Day hijinx leads to the vote coming down to one man-him.

Ever complain that your vote doesn’t matter? What if it did? I like the premise of this one being the fan of politics that I am but Kevin Costner can be iffy when it comes to actually acting in a film.

I also wish we our Presidential choices were Kelsey Grammer and Dennis Hopper.

Pineapple Express
August 8

A stoner visits his dealer to purchase a rare strain of marijuana and witnesses a murder.

James Franco showing other emotions besides the ‘I smelled a fart’ look? It can’t be. Maybe he was actually smoking pot during the filming of this one. Looks pretty good though even if you are sober.

Tropic Thunder
August 13

After ballooning costs force a Hollywood studio to cancel a war movie starring self-absorbed stars, the frustrated director refuses to stop shooting, leading his cast into the jungles of Southeast Asia, where they encounter real bad guys.

I cannot believe this film is slated so late in the Summer because it is going to be the best comedy. How can you go wrong with a goofy plot and perfect casting? Robert Downey Jr. playing a white guy playing a black guy, or as he puts it:”I’m the dude playing the dude who’s playing the dude”. Cannot wait to see this movie.

Star Wars: Clone Wars
August 15

A dumb cartoon about the time between Star Wars Episodes 3 and 4.

People who write fan fiction often do this and they are panned for it. Lucas does it, in cartoon form and they want to suckle his teat. I don’t get it.

It’s another shitty Star Wars prequel and even worse-the animation is that new style where every character’s face looks the same. I think the only thing worse Lucas could have done was turn it into Anime. I wonder how much more he can crap all over this franchise and my childhood.

I expect a burning bag of shit on my doorstep any day now with a return address from Skywalker Ranch.

Henry Poole is Here
August 15

When a man discovers that he has only six weeks to live, he leaves his job, his fiancee and his overbearing mother and tries to spend his remaining days in seclusion. But when a miracle transforms his life, his quirky neighbors disrupt his plan to live out his days in quiet desperation.

Guys here is a chick flick you can deal with if you need one. Well, only if she is at least kinda smart. If your date is very girly or stupid, then go play miniature golf or something. Take her to House Bunny next Friday. No, I didn’t review that movie.

Mirrors
August 15

A washed-up police officer takes up security detail at a department store recently gutted by fire when strange things happen because of mirrors.

Another one for the horror fans but I think the premise is over-used. The trailer makes you think this is about a young boy and a creepy mirror, so it might lead people to thinking it is a ‘Sixth Sense’ rip-off.

It is actually about a man and a bunch of creepy mirrors and people living on the other side watching us. Remember that next time you stare at yourself coming out of the shower. Is that really you? Ahhh!!!

The Rocker
August 20

Dwight from ‘The Office’ plays a failed rock drummer given a second chance at fame thanks to YouTube.

The Rocker looks to beat the rush I guess you could call it for the last Friday of Summer with a Wednesday release. I don’t think they need to do this because the film looks like it doesn’t need the crutch. Looks enjoyable.

Hamlet 2
August 22

A failed actor-turned-worse-high-school- drama teacher rallies his Tucson, AZ students as he conceives and stages a politically incorrect musical sequel to Shakespeare’s Hamlet.

“Hamlet 2? Doesn’t everyone die at the end of the first one?”
-quote from the film

Using the plot device of Jesus and a time-travel machine, Hamlet comes back in the musical. This sounds like my kind of movie.

Death Race
August 22

Prisoners compete in the Super Bowl of blood sports, the Death Race where the drivers are looking to kill each other and win with freedom the prize.

Is it or isn’t it a sequel to or remake of the classic film ‘Death Race 2000′? There is a ‘Machine Gun Joe’ and there is a race sanctioned by the government where death is on the line. I just hope there are no Sicilians.

The main character is Frankenstein and a lot of the plot elements from the original movie are here. None the less, it looks like a fun film but I’m willing to guess we won’t see scenes like old people being lined up in the street, in the path of the race car drivers.

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