Good evening, I’m Chris Cameron and no I do not know where your children are.

In the news tonight anti-kidnapping meets its match, Tom Cruise works his backup, Harvey Fierstein is in charge of MTV programming, and Maine is a great place for anything topless.

But first our top story tonight is about addicted insects.

Why Bees are Dying

Scientists are giving them cocaine and surprise! The bees are acting like humans do:

“…cocaine alters their judgment, stimulates their behavior and makes them exaggeratedly enthusiastic about things that might not otherwise excite them.”

So I’m guessing some of these bees escaped and have set up their own drug cartel much like the crack spider.

The problem is the coke is too strong and bees are overdosing. People are wondering why they are all dying yet no one thinks to do drug testing? Come on.

Irony thy name is Felix Batista

An interesting story from our source of cheap labor:

“The abduction of a U.S. anti-kidnap expert in northern Mexico last month remains a mystery with no clues to the man’s whereabouts and no ransom demanded by his captors, police said on Monday.”

Does this mean he’s no longer an expert? Just saying.

Can Tom call you Katie?

On a recent interview with E Vanessa Hudgens was asked what it was like meeting Tom Cruise. She confessed surprise when Tom told her he knew who she was.

Look out Vanessa. If things don’t work out with the former Dawson Creek star guess where Tom minus Kat is heading next.

Hope you like odd religions that don’t recognize things like autism.

Bromance? Really?

Wondering how to go as far as possible to the side of gay without having intercourse with the same gender? Your answer is here in the new television reality show Bromance.

In MTV’s hot and I do mean HOT new show a bunch of guys do things like hang out shirtless in a hot tub to win the platonic affections of some shallow actor.

Excuse me but your nipple is in my coffee

No that isn’t the line from a weird foreign porno involving lepers but what you will expect to hear at the new topless diner in Maine.

Of all the states to open any topless business in, Maine should not be high on the priority list. They were the ones who invented the toothbrush after all. Anywhere else and it would have been called a teethbrush.

That is the news folks. Tune in next time when our I-Team investigates a Canadian Apocalypse and the recent pneumonia epidemic.

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[Humor-Blogs.com has funny blogs about the news.]

[Blogerella.com has interesting blogs about lepers.]

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So deli meats that are “Natrual” have a different weight factor? Clearly .72 is not .50 and also nearly two dollars more. If this is what giving 110% is about these days we need to go back to the drawing board.

On a camping trip a few months ago, my cousin’s husband Billy suggested that everything is made to almost work. A company makes a product to 80% then leaves it up to the consumer to finish the other 20%. His words I might add, to give him proper credit.

So we had those fancy tarps with the poles and framework built in, the ones that fold up into a neat accordian-like form ready to be slid back into the nylon bag it comes with and thrown into the trunk.

Of course it never ever fits back in the bag. That is a laughable annoyance compared to the crux of the issue: the tarp doesn’t work 100%.

When it rained, which of course it always does when you are camping because that is how vacations work, the water built up on the edges…and pooled…and grew until you have to burst the sac or face the whole thing collapsing.

I might be a little off-base here but I was under the assumption that the tarp’s main function was to ensure the rain flowed off of it. Sure, it works 80% of the time but the other 20% is forcing the rain off the tarp, thus soaking everyone’s shoes.

I changed out my shower curtain recently and it barely touched the base of the shower. It was 70 inches long and the standard is 72 inches. So naturally my bathroom floor gets flooded and eventually I have to buy a new rug too.

I can’t figure out if the people making everything are geniuses or really stupid. It is probably a combination of both.

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[Humor-Blogs.com has funny blogs about inferior products.]

[Blogerella.com has interesting blogs about mayonnaise.]

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It is 2009 and it is the first week of the NFL playoffs so naturally it is also time for some predictions. Good news though all you non-sports readers: the football predictions are on another blog. In fact so are the 2009 ones.

First up, over at the Humor Bloggers Fantasy Football Blog I am joined by Unfinished Rambler, Matt a.ka. The Hypocritical One, and Rickey Henderson for our analysis of the Wild Card Week of the 2009 NFL Playoffs. Try to ignore the year thing because it gets confusing. Technically it is the 2008 post-season but everyone goes by the year they actually happen in. I don’t get it but I also do not understand why cars have to be a year ahead either.

Then there are my 2009 Predictions over at Radioactive Liberty and I actually mean this year:

“2008 is in the books, thank God, and now our attention is focused on 2009, a year of hope, change, and promise. Leading the charge is our shiny new Messiah, whoops I meant President Obama.”

Completely off-topic I’ve been fooling around with a simple design for a new logo for promotion. Here is what I came up with. The look might change but the concept will stay the same. Tell me what you think.

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[Humor-Blogs.com has funny blogs about predictions.]

[Blogerella.com has interesting blogs about things in the future.]

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What a frigging year.

The 2008 Over-The-Top Celebrity Award Goes To…

Unlike in 2007, when Britney Spears slammed the door shut early on her competition with a head-shaving, 2008 saw quite a few celebs vying for the most over-the-top efforts to get the most attention.

Amy Winehouse gave little effort  with a boring drug charge. Paris Hilton gave it a go with jail time. Miley Cyrus made it challenging with age-inappropriate poses for a photo shoot in Vanity Fair.

None of them however, compared to this year’s winner, Lindsay Lohan who changed her sexual orientation then started dating another female who looks more man then woman. I’m confused.

Some Guy Named Matt Danced

In 2008 we learned that people can make money doing weird things. I’m not talking midget fetishes or anything like that but rather dancing with people all over the world. Success has its price though.

[Video link]

Polygamy goes Viral

In a creepy sort of way last spring, everyone was transfixed by a group of people who all looked and dressed alike, and also happened to be polygamists. They all got arrested, the kids got DNA tested, and husbands across America wondered why the hell any man would want more then one wife.

Christmas Tree Lighting in Greece

Nothing says the holidays like a festive tree lighting ceremony, especially the literal version of a Christmas tradition. Leave it to the Greeks to turn things up a notch. I’m just glad it wasn’t the Armenians.

Forget Trump, listen to Chedda

In 2008 this young up-and-coming entrepreneur showed the internet how to get free money with his “Chedda Gets Cheddar” wealth development program and the government.

Sound familiar?

[Video link]

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[Humor-Blogs.com has funny blogs about 2008]

[Blogerella.com has interesting blogs about toenail clippings.]

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I drive by this sign on the way to work every day. For months I have wanted to take a picture of this promotion for hair color that could possibly drive someone insane. Thanks to the best Christmas gift ever, my first digital camera, that dream has become a reality.

So if your wife or girlfriend comes back from the hair salon acting like she is loopy on bus fumes, now you know why.

[Humor-Blogs.com has funny blogs about crazy barbers.]

[Blogerella.com has interesting blogs about the Flowbee.]

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[Video link]

I’ll have my year in review coming up in a few days but here’s one from the experts in humor Jib Jab.

[Humor-Blogs.com has funny blogs about pig's feet and tripe.]

[Blogerella.com has interesting blogs about bunion removal and cheese.]

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Like the rest of us, I have a million things going on and there’s not much time for blogging. The insane traffic is not helping anything. Not only is driving rough but every yokel in the world is out Christmas shopping. I was in line at Target earlier today and the woman in line in front of me spent like five minutes looking at those point-of-sale displays of DVD’s. She would not move up in line. Then she walked away and browsed stuff in another aisle.

Did I mention the woman behind me in line with her cart continually up my ass? Oh yeah, one of those people who always seem like you are in their way. They also happen to know every single person in the store, and are on the cell phone the entire time. On the other end are more people who know everyone.

“Yeah, I’m at Target…oh wait look there’s the neighbor Sally…Hi Sally…what..yeah I’ll tell her you said hi.”

It’s like a real-life version of Six Degrees of Kevin Bacon.

So to help with the stress of the holidays, I suggest this article over at Radioactive Liberty from last year’s holiday season, “Does Santa Claus Hate the Jews?“. Here is an quick excerpt:

“Santa Claus never delivers presents to Jewish people despite the fact he is secular. Just because they celebrate an alternate version of Christmas earlier in the month does not give Santa the right to simply bypass them all together.”

Oh yeah, it is a good one. There’s even a part about global warming too. Enjoy.

I almost forgot, I also need some time this week to get my new venture going: a sports blog. No longer will you humor fans be tortured by sports posts here at Angry Seafood. My Christmas gift to you.

More on that in a few days.

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[Check out who won the HBFFL Championship.]

[Humor-Blogs.com has funny blogs about holidays.]

[Blogerella.com has interesting blogs about bananas and cottage cheese.]

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It is almost NFL playoff time and like last year, I will be making my predictions every Friday during the postseason. Joining me again this year is fellow humor blogger and sports fan Rickey from Riding with Rickey.

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…

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Okay, if you are waiting for Rickey to say anything he isn’t here. I meant in a couple weeks when the playoffs start. That pause was me. I had to go to the bathroom.

The crazy thing about the NFL playoffs is while there are thirty-two teams, only twelve make the post-season. As you can plainly see this is very unfair. Hell, in the NHL they let teams with losing records into the post season.

The NFL needs to get with the times but while we wait for hell to freeze over, there are some questions I have.

Is Dallas relevant if they make the playoffs? Yes if they play the Giants. The Cowboys match up well against their rival and would probably face them in the divisional round…if they get some help making the post season and beat their wild card week opponent.

What is tougher for Detroit to do, lose their last two games or win their last two versus the Eagles and the Packers? Go 0-16 and draft a wide receiver for the third-time ever or go 0-16 for the first time ever?

(Irving Fryar and Keyshawn Johnson by the way.)

On a side note here’s a funny quote by Lions kicker Jason Hanson on the attention their 0-14 record is getting:

“They’re not here to talk about our great season.”

Isn’t putting “great” in the same sentence with the Lions some kind of oxymoron?

Are this year’s Ravens the second coming of their championship team from earlier in the century or a one-and-done team? I think it will come down to Joe Flacco. He’s done a good job behind center in Baltimore and they have the running backs and the wideouts to generate enough offense to win, not to mention their stingy defense.

The issue will be the playoff atmosphere. Will it rattle Flaco?

Does the #1 seed really matter to the Steelers? Pittsburgh can be no worse then a #2 seed even if they lose to the Titans today and Cleveland next week. They have home field throughout unless Tennessee makes it to the AFC Championship.

It might be a better idea to rest people but they will go for it of course.

Is it 1:00 yet?

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[Humor-Blogs.com has funny blogs about football.]

[Blogerella.com has interesting blogs about things like bananas and midgets.]

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