2008 Summer Movie Preview 4: August’s Revenge

This is it folks. The back-to-school ads are on television. Summer camps are winding down. The days get shorter. Depressed yet? Not to worry everyone because there is still one more month of summer left (no kidding really Chris?) and some interesting and not-so-interesting movies are coming out in August.

On a side note the people that write the taglines and plot summaries for movies really suck at it. Half of the ones below were written by me. If you have to use four sentences to explain a plot you can’t be a very good copywriter. Hmm maybe I should look into that as a source of income. Anyways…

The Mummy: Tomb of the Dragon Emperor
August 1

The O’Connells must stop a mummy awoken from a 2,000-year-old curse who threatens to plunge the world into his merciless, unending service.

The roller-coaster ride franchise is back again with the third installment, this time in China and the Himalayan mountains. Once again somebody wakes up a mummy. Eve is being played by Maria Bello and Jet-Li plays the undead bad guy. These films are enjoyable but please let this one be the last. They are slowly getting worse.

Midnight Meat Train
August 1

A photographer explores the darker side of the city and discovers murder.

It is tough to go wrong with a Clive Barker horror film. I wish I was into this genre because it looks like a really creepy/sadistic movie and I think horror fans will enjoy this one.

Swing Vote
August 1

A deat-beat’s daughter’s Election Day hijinx leads to the vote coming down to one man-him.

Ever complain that your vote doesn’t matter? What if it did? I like the premise of this one being the fan of politics that I am but Kevin Costner can be iffy when it comes to actually acting in a film.

I also wish we our Presidential choices were Kelsey Grammer and Dennis Hopper.

Pineapple Express
August 8

A stoner visits his dealer to purchase a rare strain of marijuana and witnesses a murder.

James Franco showing other emotions besides the ‘I smelled a fart’ look? It can’t be. Maybe he was actually smoking pot during the filming of this one. Looks pretty good though even if you are sober.

Tropic Thunder
August 13

After ballooning costs force a Hollywood studio to cancel a war movie starring self-absorbed stars, the frustrated director refuses to stop shooting, leading his cast into the jungles of Southeast Asia, where they encounter real bad guys.

I cannot believe this film is slated so late in the Summer because it is going to be the best comedy. How can you go wrong with a goofy plot and perfect casting? Robert Downey Jr. playing a white guy playing a black guy, or as he puts it:”I’m the dude playing the dude who’s playing the dude”. Cannot wait to see this movie.

Star Wars: Clone Wars
August 15

A dumb cartoon about the time between Star Wars Episodes 3 and 4.

People who write fan fiction often do this and they are panned for it. Lucas does it, in cartoon form and they want to suckle his teat. I don’t get it.

It’s another shitty Star Wars prequel and even worse-the animation is that new style where every character’s face looks the same. I think the only thing worse Lucas could have done was turn it into Anime. I wonder how much more he can crap all over this franchise and my childhood.

I expect a burning bag of shit on my doorstep any day now with a return address from Skywalker Ranch.

Henry Poole is Here
August 15

When a man discovers that he has only six weeks to live, he leaves his job, his fiancee and his overbearing mother and tries to spend his remaining days in seclusion. But when a miracle transforms his life, his quirky neighbors disrupt his plan to live out his days in quiet desperation.

Guys here is a chick flick you can deal with if you need one. Well, only if she is at least kinda smart. If your date is very girly or stupid, then go play miniature golf or something. Take her to House Bunny next Friday. No, I didn’t review that movie.

Mirrors
August 15

A washed-up police officer takes up security detail at a department store recently gutted by fire when strange things happen because of mirrors.

Another one for the horror fans but I think the premise is over-used. The trailer makes you think this is about a young boy and a creepy mirror, so it might lead people to thinking it is a ‘Sixth Sense’ rip-off.

It is actually about a man and a bunch of creepy mirrors and people living on the other side watching us. Remember that next time you stare at yourself coming out of the shower. Is that really you? Ahhh!!!

The Rocker
August 20

Dwight from ‘The Office’ plays a failed rock drummer given a second chance at fame thanks to YouTube.

The Rocker looks to beat the rush I guess you could call it for the last Friday of Summer with a Wednesday release. I don’t think they need to do this because the film looks like it doesn’t need the crutch. Looks enjoyable.

Hamlet 2
August 22

A failed actor-turned-worse-high-school- drama teacher rallies his Tucson, AZ students as he conceives and stages a politically incorrect musical sequel to Shakespeare’s Hamlet.

“Hamlet 2? Doesn’t everyone die at the end of the first one?”
-quote from the film

Using the plot device of Jesus and a time-travel machine, Hamlet comes back in the musical. This sounds like my kind of movie.

Death Race
August 22

Prisoners compete in the Super Bowl of blood sports, the Death Race where the drivers are looking to kill each other and win with freedom the prize.

Is it or isn’t it a sequel to or remake of the classic film ‘Death Race 2000′? There is a ‘Machine Gun Joe’ and there is a race sanctioned by the government where death is on the line. I just hope there are no Sicilians.

The main character is Frankenstein and a lot of the plot elements from the original movie are here. None the less, it looks like a fun film but I’m willing to guess we won’t see scenes like old people being lined up in the street, in the path of the race car drivers.

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