July, 2008

Welcome to ‘Bloggers Speak’ where I sit down with other humorists and ask them a bunch of crazy and odd questions. Today I am joined by none other than humor blogger and social media guru Kevin from Pointless Banter.

How’s it hanging Kevin?

A little to the right, I am a tad crooked. I think it was because I was kicked in the balls in the sixth grade by a girl. Was that too much information?

Worst movie sequel ever made and why?

There are sooooo many to choose from. Personally I think the “Debbie Does” series gets lame after she hits Austin. Also I would have to include the second Caddyshack, which I refuse to acknowledge was ever even made. If you can’t get the original cast to return you might as well give up on making the sequel.

Of all the crazy and nutso ex-girlfriends and hook-ups you have ever had, which one woman has you the most curious about how they are doing these days and why?

There was one girl I wrote about named Nicole. Link: http://pointlessbanter.net/2007/04/20/the-craziest-girl-i-have-ever-dated/

For some reason I just picture her sitting in a mental institution in a straight jacket mumbling my name over and over again.

Also there was this hot deaf girl that always wanted to date me but I couldn’t hang out with her because I hated hearing her voice on the phone. It was like Herman Munster was pretending to be Marlee Matlin. I always wondered what she would be like in bed and if her moans sounded like her voice. Also I think it would be fun to see if I could maintain an erection while she was talking dirty to me. The ultimate battle between creepy and sexy.

Van Halen question- Sammy or Dave?

Eddie’s replacement hip.

Someone makes the discovery that semen can be used as an alternative fuel source. Would we ever leave the house long enough to take advantage of the lower gas prices?

My house would be like Dubayi at that point. I would be building massive hotels and flying Tiger Woods in to golf because I would be energy rich.

What would be the funniest way to dump a girlfriend?

Normally I would say, “by shitting on her chest.” But that is just crass. I would love to see someone dump their girlfriend at a major sporting event via the Jumbotron. I am sick of those contrived and boring proposals. What better way for a girl to just emotionally collapse as her boyfriend dumps her in front of 30,000 people?

What is with your fixation with Different Strokes, and in particular the bike shop episode with Gordon Jump?

I was molested by a bike shop owner. Thanks for bringing this up and letting me rehash it yet again.
Honestly because it might be the creepiest yet funniest thing ever on TV. I remember growing up and watching it. I think it was the first time in my life I knew what the feeling of disgust was.

Which celebrity would you curse with a plague or a pox and why? (Can’t answer Ryan Seacrest or anyone from American Idol)

Paris Hilton, there is no celebrity on this planet I despise more.

Thanks for taking the time to do this Kevin. Any final thoughts?

If I had one I would share it.

Kevin’s question for the readers:

Will mongoloid ever be an acceptable term for retard?

---

If you think this is a funny blog click the link to find even more humor.
Don’t forget to vote for Angry Seafood’s posts while you are there.

---

Subscribe to the Angry Seafood RSS feed.

“Okay. The first day on my vacation, what I did on my summer vacation, the first day on my vacation, I woke up. Then, I went downtown to look for a job. Then I hung out in front of the drugstore. The second day on my summer vacation, I woke up, then I went downtown to look for a job. Then I hung out in front of the drugstore.”

“Sister Mary Elephant”
~Cheech & Chong

I know technically I wasn’t on a vacation. That actually comes up next month. Camping trip with some family members, one person I know, and a bunch of strangers (to me). Should be a lot of fun.

Writing this stuff really is a lot of hard work so I like to take breaks, especially when there is a big lull in the internet activity. Oddly enough though, my traffic was pretty constant. The funny part was that it was way down for a few days right after I announced my ‘vacation’. My break was still like two weeks away. That was my fault as I must have confused everyone with a crazy un-bloglike move of advanced warning of a pause in new content. I kid I kid.

It was all your fault.

Blaming others for my shortcomings always makes me feel better. Go ahead and try it out yourself. Blame something bad that happened in your life on me since I blamed a temporary drop in readership on you. I am all about fairness after all.

Felt good to blame me didn’t it? Keep it up and nothing will ever be your fault, leading to a much happier and healthier life. Before you know it you will be blogging care-free in Starbucks like the hippie moonbats.

No need to thank me. Just don’t blame all your problems on me. Spread it around.

With my good deed of the day now in the books, here is what is coming up soon on Angry Seafood. Yah I know, there’s another unblogish move- planning. Sorry. And I mean that apology with all sincerity.

On Monday is the latest edition of ‘Bloggers Speak’ and I am honored to interview Kevin from Pointless Banter. He is a very funny humor blogger as well as a social media expert and I have been a huge fan of his work since I started my own site over a year ago. Don’t worry, I didn’t ask him any boring blog promotion questions.

The people new to the blogsphere reading this are probably screaming: “WHY DIDN’T YOU ASK HIM THAT STUFF CHRIS!!??”

This is a humor blog. You don’t go to CNN for midget porn so why would you come here for interviews about stuff like SEO and getting the most out of your Digg account? I don’t do that stuff here.

Wednesday brings the debut of a new feature - ‘Rewinding the 80’s’. I’m not sure how often I will do these but I grew up during the 1980’s and I’ve been dying to put my funny spin on that weird decade.

Thursday is the day for my usual weekly political humor column over at Radioactive Liberty. Unless something big comes up the topic will be the abysmal public approval ratings of Congress.

Sometime in the near future I also will be doing a guest post for a soon-to-be vacationing blogger you all know and love, Brent from Ominous Comma. It is a challenge though because I will have to write blue (no profanity or vulgarities like talking about Bavarian midget hookers). No worries.

I will be going with the topic of explaining the differences between words mistakenly used in place of each other, in a funny way of course. My last one was Envy vs. Jealousy. If they taught kids English this way they would love learning it. I should have been a teacher.

Down the road there are some more ‘Bloggers Speak’ interviews too with Sinister Dan from The Reasonable Ego, Chelle B. from The Offended Blogger, and Fiar from Radioactive Liberty. If you are a humor blogger and would like to be interviewed drop me a line through my contact page.

Also up ahead I’ve got another installment of ‘The Cringe’, the August edition of the Summer Movie Preview, a rant on people who do the ‘fake running for President’ thing, and other topics I will think up along the way.

Until Monday, here’s another contact juggler to make fun of…

---

If you think I’ve got a funny blog, then click the link and vote for me. If you don’t that is alright. Just remember the last ones that did not follow my advice missed out on a million dollars in prizes.

---

Subscribe to the Angry Seafood RSS feed.

Angry Seafood is on vacation this week and during the break we take a look back through the archives. Today’s Best of is about some of my favorite political humor posts over at Radioactive Liberty, the other blog I write for.

This was a tough one to do because there are nine months of weekly columns to choose from. Like having many children it isn’t good to have a favorite but this isn’t a nursery.

Hillary Clinton Turns to Her Last Hope to Get Nominated

What initially was a run-down of various methods Hillary could have used to get elected when all hope was lost became a parody of a classic scene from Godfather I in the final draft.

Jim Marzilli’s New Self-Help Dating Guide

A Massachusetts state senator spends the afternoon groping and propositioning women, allegedly of course. I couldn’t resist with this post.

On a side note, Marzilli is officially charged with annoying someone. His lawyer plans on challenging it on the basis that the annoyance law doesn’t apply to both genders. Yup, a guy who sexually harasses women in public might get off scot free.

Global Warming Kills Nessie

Not only are humans killing the planet by creating more CO2 but fictional beings as well. Expect the “Climate Change Kills Santa, Christmas” headline any day now.

Bad Role Models Turned Good

My classic take on how easy it is to take horrible people from the past and turn them into heroes and role models for our children.

The REAL 911 Conspiracy

The nutjobs and people without critical thinking skills think the government was behind 911. Wrong, it was Disney.

Subscribe to the Angry Seafood RSS feed.

Angry Seafood is on vacation this week and during the break we take a look back through the archives. Today’s Best of is the short story about wishes and modern business.

Enjoy.

Clang!

The shovel rang out as it hit an object buried in the backyard where I was digging the hole for the new in-ground swimming pool I envisioned going nicely with my new deck. I stopped for a moment, and then gingerly pried it from its resting spot. It was a bottle of some kind and covered in dirt and grime but I could make out a label of some kind faintly beneath the earthen buildup.

I used the bottom of my t-shirt to remove the gunk but it was stubborn. I rubber harder on the bottle and suddenly smoke and mist poured out. An olive-skinned man then appeared in from of me.

“Hello I am the genie of the lamp.” he said with a thick Indian accent.
“You don’t look like a genie.”
“Yes, these days the customer service portions of the genie industry are outsourced but I assure you I am American.”
“That is not an American accent.”
“Sure it is.”
“Fine. Whatever” I muttered as I looked the man over. “What about your turban and the vest?”
“I have three other customers on hold right now, do you want the wishes or not?”
“Sure.”
“You get three.”
“Ok, I want to be rich for starters.”
“Done” The genie snapped his fingers. “Look in your wallet.”
I nervously reached into my back pocket. I was disappointed when I saw the billfold was empty. “Umm what happened? There isn’t any money in here.”
“The license.”
I examined my driver’s license, and sure enough the name on it was Richard Cameron. “I didn’t mean literally.”
“Oh I am so sorry.” The genie snapped his fingers “Fixed.”
I looked again at my license and it was back to normal. “So we understand each other, when I mean rich…”
“I am sorry, I failed to mention turning you back into Chris required the use of your second wish, leaving you with one more. Use it wisely.”
“Wait, you screwed up not me”
“I am sorry, I failed to mention turning you back into Chris required the use of your second wish, leaving you with one more. Use it wisely.”
“Do you even understand what I am saying?”
“Yes.”
“Then why did that cost me a wish?”
“You have one more wish. Use it wisely.”
I sighed as I tried to be clearer this time. “I want a million dollars! Pennies from heaven, that whole thing.”

“Done.” The genie snapped his fingers one more time. “It has been a pleasure doing business with you, good day.” Snapping his fingers one last time, he disappeared. No sooner had he vanished when pennies began raining down from the sky. I ran for cover on the porch and watched the backyard slowly fill up with what I assumed were one hundred million coins.

“Friggin’ outsourcing.”

Subscribe to the Angry Seafood RSS feed.

Angry Seafood is on vacation this week and during the break we take a look back through the archives. Today’s Best of is a tale of the difficulties in choosing a patio deck.

Enjoy.

So I am building a deck. I know, some of you right now are thinking: “Chris, you live in an apartment”. Oh so I can’t build one?

Anyways, I go to the Super Hardware Store Megaplex to look at the wonderful advantage of this new-fangled plastic desk surfacing that lasts much longer then wood I have been hearing so much about. No staining, no sanding. If you chip the ‘wood’ anywhere, it’s the same color under the surface.

But then the decision gets difficult. A saleswoman asks me what color I want.

“What are my choices?”
“Well, there’s grey…” She pointed to a cheery lady with a clipboard at a desk in a well-lit area of the store.
“Grey? Sounds like a lame color.”
“Sir, it’s the most popular.”
“What about brown?”
“You want brown?”
“Yes, you know, like the color decks are usually stained in?”
“But grey is what everyone else wants.”
“Except me, I’d like brown please.”
“Fine, Come with me.” She huffed away annoyed but at least I was getting a brown deck.

I followed her as we traversed the back of the store, down the stairs, and into the underground labyrinth of the building. Working around pipes, mice, and homeless vagrants, we arrived at what looked like the boiler room.

“This is for brown.” She said, opening the door and shoving me inside where I faced a crotchety old man standing behind a desk. The door slammed shut behind me.

“So, you want brown eh?” He stared me up and down. “Who sent you here?”
“Um, I’m just buying a deck.” I sensed his mistrust. “I didn’t like the idea of a grey colored deck, so I guess here I am.” This convinced him I assumed.
“Good to hear!” The old man smiled. “Let me get the Tome.”
“Um, do you mean tome as in a book with a lot of pages?”
“Precisely!” he replied with glee slamming the book to the desk, causing a cloud of dust to burst out in all directions. “This is the Tome of Brown. It holds all the possible choices of tones of the color for your deck. Choose wisely.”
“Don’t you carry the normal brown color?”
“We don’t have JUST brown, there are many shades. There is light brown, medium brown, maple, sorta-dark brown, medium-but-also-light brown, chestnut brown, light…”

This patio-themed reenactment of the classis shrimp scene in ‘Forrest Gump’ went on for about six minutes until finally I had enough. “I think maybe, I want gray after all.”

“You’ll be sorry!” The curmudgeon shook his aged fist and arm at me as I hastily made my exit.

I arrived back at ground level and there was Ms. Grey, ready to set me up with my patio surfacing needs.

“Ok, I’ll take the hot, popular color.” I said, accepting my fate.
“That is an excellent choice Mr. Cameron if I do say so myself.” she said as she pointed to the Tome of Grey. “Now, what shade would you like? We have many to choose from.”

Humor-blogs.com likes grey as well.

Subscribe to the Angry Seafood RSS feed.

Angry Seafood is on vacation this week and during the break we take a look back through the humor archives. Today’s Best-Of is my previous idea for a reality show based on mob psychology called ‘The Cringe’.

Enjoy.

Everyone that writes comedy or humor has something cooking in their brain for television or the big screen. Howard Stern had his pay per view specials. The old New Year’s Eve ones were classics. Bobcat Goldthwait had his sitcom about a puppet only one person can hear. I really think that one was some kind of metaphor for masturbation but I have a twisted and devious mind.

If you think I am exaggerating about that fact then strap in.

My concept is a reality show in the hidden-camera genre, niche, whatever. Most of these are always either played on a celebrity or a few ‘average Joes’. Many of them also involve some kind of funny gag that everyone but the target is in on. I want to try a different approach.

‘The Cringe’ is a hidden camera show where instead of a joke or a gag, the attempt is made to make the situation uncomfortable and awkward. Not only that but the ‘joke’ if you will, is played on a group of people, like at least 20-30.

Watching a person react to a practical joke is interesting, but group dynamics are much more fun to observe, especially when you throw cringe moments into the mix.

My first segment would be at an airport. Passengers of a flight are repeatedly being told that the flight is delayed. Each delay is just five or ten minutes, but happens so often it gets the passengers angry and irate. This builds until they start demanding free things like tickets, or hotel rooms, or food and drink.

In most airports these days there are television monitors and there is a good chance it will be on some news channel. A fake report is run, breaking news that a plane has crashed in the ocean ten miles from the airport. It is said to be the flight number everyone is waiting for and complaining about being late.

This of course ends with the revealing of the joke, balloons and confetti dropping from the ceiling and a marching band entering the scene from stage left. This is how each segment ends, by the way.

My other situation would be ‘100-Year-Old Birthday’. The scene is a restaurant, and there is a table of ten people, one of whom is celebrating his 100th birthday. The servers all gather up a bunch of customers and everyone goes over to sing happy birthday as a cake is brought out. Just as the old man blows out the candles, he dies and his head drops into the cake. Of course he doesn’t really die, but you get the idea.

I am even toying with the notion that he jumps up thirty seconds later and yells: “Surprise!”

The only thing left is a host of the show. I wonder if I could use a hologram of Che Guevara. I think the humanitarian aspect he brings to the table could temper, no pun intended the edge of ‘The Cringe’.

Or I could get him mad which would lead to his ordering people to face the firing squads. Now that would be cringe television and reality-based at the same time.

Hollywood needs me.

Humor-blogs.com loves funny bloggers.

Subscribe to the Angry Seafood RSS feed.

Happy Independence Day everyone!

All three of the people in this cartoon, by the way, are first featured in LW #5 ‘Space’. These are the comic’s first re-occurring characters. Like when Mork from Ork made his first appearance on Happy Days, you might be watching the evolution of a spin-off. Time will tell.

If you don’t already know this is the last fresh content post until Monday July 14th. But in the meantime keep coming back, especially the new readers because I will be running best-of stuff looking back at some of my best work so far. I’ll also make fun of my worst content as well as my favorite Radioactive Liberty columns I’ve written.

Have a fun and safe Independence Day everyone.

---

Humor-blogs.com has funny blogs about people that blow off their fingers with sparklers.

---

Subscribe to the Angry Seafood RSS feed.

The golden month of movies has arrived and with the exception of the first week of July, there are interesting choices every Friday.

Sci-fi and comic book fans will be happy, Will Ferrell fans, not so much.

Hancock
July 2

Unpopular superhero Hancock saves the life of a PR executive who attempts to salvage his public image.

I’m torn on this film. The trailer and clips only show the early parts of the movie. All of the reviews are bad and point to the classic “two-movies-in-one” problem.

But Will Smith is known in Hollywood as a trend-watcher and he’s usually dead-on with a film’s success and how to achieve it. Plus, it’s the only flick slated for the biggest movie opening week of the year.

Did the competition not feel like going up against Smith or is a July Fourth week opening not as much of a big deal anymore? Or perhaps this movie isn’t very good. Not really sure.

The Wackness
July 3

New York, summer 1994, the greatest year in hip-hop, a troubled teenage drug dealer trades pot for therapy sessions with a drug-addled psychiatrist intent on living his life to the fullest. The two form an unlikely friendship, but things get complicated when the kid falls for the doctor’s daughter.

I didn’t even know this movie existed until I saw it in the list for movies coming out this week. It is a limited release but it looks pretty good and wouldn’t you know it, Will Smith shows up. Okay not a cameo, but rather his voice. ‘Summertime’ is used in the soundtrack.

Hellboy II: The Golden Army
July 11

A ruthless leader who treads the world above and the one below defies his bloodline and awakens an unstoppable army of creatures. Now, it’s up to the planet’s toughest, roughest superhero and his buddies to battle the merciless dictator and his marauders.

No army is unstoppable you say? I guess you haven’t seen the price of gold these days.

You can’t go wrong with a Hellboy flick. The first one was kick-ass and I expect more of the same. The only thing I am not a big fan of is the trend to put superheroes into our world where they deal with life like we do. Sure it was funny in The Incredibles but it is being done to death and Hellboy is one more that follows the trend.

Journey to the Center of the Earth
July 11

On an expedition in Iceland, a scientist and his nephew stumble upon a major discovery that launches them on a thrilling journey deep beneath the Earth’s surface.

Brendan Fraiser appears to do a lot of yelling in this completely over-the-top remake of the Jules Verne novel. But people like over-the-top these days.

I think this one will stink because every clip and trailer I have seen leaves that uneasy feeling where the hair stands up on the back of my neck because I’m seeing something so horribly bad.

Meet Dave
July 11

A massive fireball from space hits New York’s Central Park and an ordinary man emerges unscathed. The man turns out to be a spaceship operated by 100 human-looking aliens who are one-quarter inch tall and seeking a way to save their planet.

I applaud Eddie Murphy for what looks like an odd role and movie. I think this one will be like Men in Black, the type of weird sci-fi film that everyone enjoys.

Maybe Will Smith should have been in this one.

The Dark Knight
July 18

The Caped Crusader returns, protecting Gotham City from the mad criminal mastermind, The Joker.

So this series of films is supposed to be a new telling of the tale, something different from the first ones? So how come they are following the same villain path?

Sure they started with Scarecrow but then follow up with Joker and Two-Face. When does Bat Girl make an appearance?

It is too bad that Heath Ledger died because he was really good at playing the Joker. I would even dare to say he surpassed Jack’s performance. Like Arnold and his idea that the Terminator’s eyes should turn and look at something followed by the head, Ledger gave his version of the Joker some habits like slowly blinking and a lot of lip-licking. The makeup department must have had a lot of fun with that last one.

Christian Bale and Michael Caine are also far superior in their roles then their predecessors. I like this series a lot better, it is much truer to the comic and there is way better casting.

The big question is why isn’t this film coming out on the Independence Day week?

Mamma Mia
July 18

Raised on a Greek island by a formerly rebellious mom who never disclosed the identity of her father, a bride-to-be locates three men who might be her father and invites them to her wedding.

This is a musical and any film that needs singing can’t be that good. Yes, I know Sweeney Todd fans you have a point and there are exceptions to everything but have any of you ever seen Hello Dolly starring a singing Walther Matthau? I rest my case your honor.

This film shows how quickly Pierce Brosnan’s career has plummeted. He went from James Bond to singing and dancing in a musical based on ABBA’s greatest hits in the span of a few years.

For Meryl Streep however, this is a renaissance in what looks like two hours of everyone doing karaoke and reciting crappy dialogue.

And the hair is standing up on the back of my neck again.

Step Brothers
July 25

Brennan Huff, a sporadically employed thirty-nine-year-old and Dale Doback, a terminally unemployed forty-year-old become step-brothers and are forced to live together when their parents marry.

Another lame Will Ferrell character vehicle so view at your own risk. Think I’m being too harsh on him? He’s playing Rick Marshall in the remake of Land of the Lost in what is either the worst career choice ever or the worst casting choice ever.

I still say he jumped the shark at Bewitched with the one exception in Talladega Nights.

X-Files II: I Want to Believe
July 25

Scully and Mulder reunite to investigate an old guy with a scraggly beard who is looking for something either in a snow-covered field or a lake.

That is about all you get until you see it because Chris Carter managed to keep the plot a secret. All we do know is that X-Files II will be less like the first one and more like an episode of the television series with a huge budget.

The aliens as a shadow government are also gone but not Mulder’s obsession with finding out what happened to his sister. I am going to guess that the conflict resolution will help him get past this issue and put it behind him once and for all.

And Scully and Mulder make out.

Or do they?

---

Humor-blogs.com loves movies about gladiators. Go there now and help support movie review blog posts like this one.

---

Subscribe to the Angry Seafood RSS feed.