Dark Knight: 155 Minutes of Awful
Written by Chris C on July 23rd, 2008
Not only did Dark Knight lack any kind of humor, it may be one of the worst films I have ever seen. Batman & Robin was worlds better. When I heard Estell Geddy died, it reminded me of another film better then the Bat-Failure: Stop or My Mom will Shoot.
Hell, even the old television show was more entertaining.
The old-walking-up-the wall trick, now those were special effects. All Batman does in Dark Knight is skydive. Frigging unimpressive if you ask me. Hell, even James Bond can climb things with his magic jumping ability in Casino Royal. And didn’t some guy climb a skyscraper the other day without his bat-cable and bat-grappling hook?
There aren’t even any of the trademark ‘Thwack’ and ‘Pow’ sounds either. How I didn’t walk out is beyond me.
Then there is Batman’s voice. He talks so deeply as if he is trying to break the world record for lowest-recorded human octave. I still don’t understand why they didn’t bring back Val Kilmer. He was awesome as the winged crusader and didn’t have a corny superhero voice.
I am hoping in the next film, Batman gets throat cancer and loses his larynx. Then he can talk with an electronic Bat-voice. But that would make it easier to figure out that Bruce Wayne is the Dark Knight. Then again nobody questions Clark Kent and all he does is wear glasses. Superman can never ever get contacts or Lasik which must suck but this is not about an actual cool superhero. This is about a creepy rich guy with a bat fetish.
Please, no more loud whispering.
Speaking of bad vocals, everyone is raving about the Joker. Blah blah blah. No villain with that nasally voice would have made it in the real world. There would have been constant jokes where his fellow cohorts and underlings would hold their nose and say “Kill the Batman” followed by “Joker’s standing right behind me isn’t he?”
That would cause a lot of employee turnover, something no CEO or mob leader wants. There is no way this would work in real life. Thankfully, Ledger isn’t around to repeat his horrific performance. It was so bad the role killed him.
Of course the new ‘trilogy’ copies the old one. So they started with Sandman instead of the Joker. Big deal. Here we go again with Two-Face. Maybe in the third one Verne Troyer can play the Penguin. I wonder who will play Robin? How about that kid in Journey to the Center of the Earth? He’s annoying enough to take on the role of a lifetime.
To top it all off, the Dark Knight becomes a bad guy at the end. I am so tired of them changing the plots of the old comic books. What’s next, Spiderman having an evil suit? Someone besides Tony Stark in the iron suit? Hulk being separated from Bruce Banner? Stop messing with the real continuity and story arcs for the love of God!
I think the final scenes would have been a lot better if Angelina Jolie showed up and threw her bullet, killing Batman, the Joker, anyone who green-lighted this train wreck, and finally herself because all of their names showed up on the weave. Then we could finally move on to a real superhero and have some humor at the same time.
Coming Thursday….a guest post by Les James from the #1 political humor blog on the internet.
Even the Dark Knight loves funny blogs.
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23
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You are a moron and the majortiy of the country agrees. The movie is setting records all over and it is very well done. Your attempt to insult this movie is almost as pathetic as you. Your probably lazy than the slob in the world of warcraft episode and the man who represented sloth in seven combined.
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Your whole argument has so many holes in it that it literally makes me sick to my stomach. Your entire opinion after you say “Batman and Robin was worlds better” is just garbage. You say The Dark Knight was awful and yet you think Batman and Robin was worlds better? That is where your whole argument falls apart in the first two lines! I didnt think that was possible but you did it. You totally made everything you wrote worthless by using that line. Reading your review is almost as stomach churning as you describe The Dark Knight.
But then I realize what you are doing, you are just trying to have a unique opinion even if it costs you integrity and dignity. You just want an opinion that wont get lost in the sea of compliments because everything you said holds no water. Im sorry but you are wrong and it is your opinion but opinions can be wrong and your’s is wrong. Plus, I can honestly say, you have the worse written review that tries way TOO hard to be funny, unique and interesting and accomplishes none of those. Everyline is worse than the last and your comparisons and ideas are so ridiculous you can immediately forget about them once you are done reading. So let me guess you probably also liked Gigli.
23
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You are also ugly. And your dog likes to defecate in your shoes at night. How dare you make light of a movie depicting a uber-wealthy industrialist who happens to enjoy spending his leisure time dressed in PVC and hangin’ with his ‘boy wonder’. This is easily the most important movie of all times. Did Orson Wells have a batmobile in Citizen Kane? No.
But then I realized what you were doing. You were being funny. Just how do you sleep at night, knowing you’re a humorist?
You are so screwed. And let me tell you, in Batman and Robin, they didn’t really climb those walls. It was a trick! They simply turned the city on its side! Ha!
You suck.
Sincerely, a friend.
dons last blog post..This and That
23
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Nice work of not mentioning the lack of the Bat-tutsi, because that would have been a dead giveaway.
renalfailures last blog post..Wanted: Gallery of Rogues
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Heh, funny shit Chris. Based on your previous post, Rickey was actually expecting a genuine hatred for the movie rather than the tongue in cheek post you cranked out (which is far superior). You’re right about the voice though–it was incredibly annoying.
Not to be obnoxious, but he folks who legitimately disliked the movie just don’t get the character of Batman and therefore can’t appreciate how much justice Nolan did in bringing him to the screen.
Rickey Hendersons last blog post..Farewell, Whiskers of Glory
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You are only the 2nd person brave enough to claim not to like this movie. I like this post and the comments that followed. The question is, did Will and The Fly give you a frowny face? Are they Caleb’s stooges?
Margarets last blog post..Add THAT to Your ToDo List and Smoke It
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@Will: I wasn’t aware there was a poll done about me. Over 50% of Americans think I’m a moron? No wonder why I get dirty looks out in public all the time.
@thefly: a 225-word reply. Impressive. I’m also happy that I was able to induce nausea. To be honest, I wasn’t expecting that outcome. Usually it takes the pivotal scene in the Crying Game to make a person gag. Gotta love the law of unintended consequences.
@Don: Come on! The whole city on its side? They had special harnesses and midgets on the rooftop pulling them up the side of the building.
@Renal: What the hell is a bat-tutsi? Nevermind, maybe I dont’ want to know.
@Rickey: shhhhhhh *winks*
23
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oops - I meant, of course, to say that you are only the 2nd person I know, blah blah blah. Didn’t want some literal-minded person to jump on MY case.
Margarets last blog post..Add THAT to Your ToDo List and Smoke It
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wow! i’ve never seen such venom in a humor blogger’s comment space. well done! i liked it pretty well but don’t include myself among the throngs who worship at the c.nolan alter.
stay angry, buddy. no one wants to read “happy seafood.” that’s just nasty.
mac danielss last blog post..and the spiderman glasses go to (opens envelope)…
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Dude, have you seen Catwoman? I watched it on Oxygen the other day and it ROCKED.
BTW, what’s a ‘majortiy’? Because it thinks you’re a moron.
diesels last blog post..Anything Cool Happening?
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@Margaret: Hell I haven’t even seen the movie yet!
@Diesel: Man I forgot about that movie. Yet another example of a superhero flick that is better then Dark Knight. Majortiy? Majortiy? Yah well you tell the majortiy they are off my Christams list.
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@Mac: What do you mean, I loved this movie. My only anger is that there was no Robin which would have made Dark Knight a hundred times better.
24
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Had there been nipples on the batsuit, this would have been a far better movie.
Rickey Hendersons last blog post..Rickey Presents: The Carnival of Cinema
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You know what’s great about all this? You’ve invented the bloggging equivalent of an asshole detector.
Rickey Hendersons last blog post..Rickey Presents: The Carnival of Cinema
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I don’t know which is better… the post, the comments, or your responses to the comments. All in all a great entertainment value!
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WTF? The Sunday Retarded Argument is supposed to be over at my site.
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no one wants to read “happy seafood.”
We have a winner of the Wednesday Retarded Argument.
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Rickey would be cool with reading “Sanguine Seafood”
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@Jeff: Thanks! My goal is to entertain people and you won’t catch me not running out a grounder.
@Fiar: Figured I would get people warmed up a few days early for Sunday. Fiar’s judgement on the winner by the way stands. Congrats Mac!
@Rickey: Thanks! I could never hate this film seriously. But just because you love something doesn’t mean you can’t make fun of it, or rather make fun of how fanboy/girl people can be about anything. Not so sure ’sanguine seafood’ has the same ring to it though but I will say the content quality would be the same.
25
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BY BASHING A GREAT FILM, you’ll get A LOT OF VISITORS.. that’s the simplest logic applied in this post..
IMHO
putik!s last blog post..LifeIsColorful Blog Anniversary Contest Winners
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We’ll probably have to fight because of your views on the new Batman movie - however, when Bale, as Batman, spoke, it looked like Mr. Ed talking and sounded like Mr. Ed had throat cancer … Wilbur.
Kudos for being brave enough to speak your mind on this crucial social topic!
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The gig is up everyone, putik!? is onto me! I am glad there are astute individuals like yourself putik!?! to point out the obvious things in life.
@Thaddeus: hehe. Love your blog by the way. Very funny stuff. Loved the Obama surveying future US territories post hehe.
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hes absolutly right the film was shit the joker was shit and im grad the actor cant come back to life and fuck up another film.he never should of been cast for anything ever again after he portrayed a ‘im confused let me fuck your bum’role in basre back mountain lol
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Wow Chris, I always knew you were an inspiration, I just never knew it was to hatred.
P.S. You haven’t lived if you haven’t seen the batusi. OF course once you see you may no longer wish to live.
26
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Is there a way to cover a post in bronze and save it like those little baby sneakers?
That needs to be done here, including comments.
This is better than that National Geographic Blue Planet cave special, where the camera men were talking about how elegant it was to film saliva weaving cave worms. Then,they bitched endlessly about spending an entire month, sweating, breathing and wading through a ten ton mountain of bat guano, covered in live centipedes and five inch cockroaches.
You know; The same feelings most people get from a Hollywood production these days. Bravo.
Insolublogs last blog post..The Audacity of Dissent
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@seth666: Using your IP I had a buddy of mine who’s a computer whiz hack your PC, install a keylogger, and access your Netflix account. You took out Brokeback Mountain four times, including one three days ago. Weird…
@Brent: It was liked I slapped their mom in the face while they were watching internet porn in their basement bedroom. Were they more mad that I hit their mom or that I interrupted a serious spank session? As for batusi, I’ll take your word for it.
@insolublog: Thanks. It was a lot of fun reading the comments.
27
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Ok, all throughout the whole film, every time Batman spoke, it was driving me nuts. I get that you have to change the voice so know one “knows” he’s Bruce Wayne, but as someone else astutely pointed out, all Clark Kent had to do was take off his glasses, and no one had a clue. The batmask hides way more than a pair of horned rims, I’m pretty sure. Maybe it’s just me.
Personally, I thought he was trying to do Clint Eastwood as Dirty Harry. Well, I mean impersonate his voice, not do him. That would be wrong, and a totally different movie. I just kept waiting for him to say “You’ve got to ask yourself one question: ‘Do I feel lucky?’ Well, do ya punk?”
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Um…that would be, so no one “knows” he’s Bruce Wayne. It’s Sunday, that’s my only excuse.
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It always fascinates me when people fail to get a joke, and not just slightly either. Those first two comments are great.
But now I must be off I have a Batusi lesson to get to.
Alex L.s last blog post..Saturday Serial
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I don’t think I have to reiterate what an idiot you are because, well look at the other comments on the page, but I will address your reviews considerable flaws in the most civil manner I can muster.
you believe that the original concept of ‘Batman’ is the best, the caped crusader of the imaginary city of Gotham, who beats criminals with nifty gadgets and ‘pows’ and ‘kablams’. But that fantasy world has nothing to offer an audience.
What they did with Batman Begins, is they brought this character into the real world, they made the character a man. I understand if you miss the whimsicality of the old batman, but I think that is because you loathe the real world, and prefer an imaginary one.
Batman turns fear against his enemies, that is why he dresses like a bat, and drops his voice to a terrifying growl, and that is why he is such a potent character.
He terrifies his enemies. Which is also why he cannot be the shining hero of Gotham,
The Joker was delightfully sadistic, and I have to wonder, who can actually dislike Heath Ledger’s performance. He was the absolute embodiment of and Id. This movie almost became a Heart of Darkness allegory because it delved so far into the mental and emotional limits of the human mind.
Honestly, I cannot comprehend the mindset of anyone who could say this was a terrible film. It captures humanity at its best, worst, and everywhere in between.
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I find it funny you call yourself someone smarter then me yet I got you to respond with a 250-word comment. If I’m so dumb how come I dictated your behavior?
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I don’t agree with you that the movie itself was horrible, I thought it was by far one of the best movies i’ve seen in years. However, I do agree that the Joker’s voice is pathetic, everyone just doesn’t want to disrespect his R.I.P.
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Dark Knight was the worst movie I ever saw. I really don’t understand how many people are praising it. It can only be a massive joke. When I saw Dark Knight in the theatres and when it ended about 3/4 of the audience started booing and yelling things like “what was that” and I counted 12 people that walked out after 45 minutes. This movie sucked.
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You who are praising the movie I applaud you, those of you say its horrible were dropped as children. Seriously this has got to be one of the best movies of the last ten years. If this is not your genre then say so, if this is not your thing (movies) say so, but don’t blame the movie for your inability to appreciate solid film making.
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Actually, the inspiration for this blog is in fact a childhood incident where I was dropped on my head.
Atomic you are one insightful person.