Best of Week-Staining the Deck

Original Humor by Chris Cameron

8 Jul

Best of Week-Staining the Deck

Posted on 2008 under Miscellany of Humor |

Angry Seafood is on vacation this week and during the break we take a look back through the archives. Today’s Best of is a tale of the difficulties in choosing a patio deck.

Enjoy.

So I am building a deck. I know, some of you right now are thinking: “Chris, you live in an apartment”. Oh so I can’t build one?

Anyways, I go to the Super Hardware Store Megaplex to look at the wonderful advantage of this new-fangled plastic desk surfacing that lasts much longer then wood I have been hearing so much about. No staining, no sanding. If you chip the ‘wood’ anywhere, it’s the same color under the surface.

But then the decision gets difficult. A saleswoman asks me what color I want.

“What are my choices?”
“Well, there’s grey…” She pointed to a cheery lady with a clipboard at a desk in a well-lit area of the store.
“Grey? Sounds like a lame color.”
“Sir, it’s the most popular.”
“What about brown?”
“You want brown?”
“Yes, you know, like the color decks are usually stained in?”
“But grey is what everyone else wants.”
“Except me, I’d like brown please.”
“Fine, Come with me.” She huffed away annoyed but at least I was getting a brown deck.

I followed her as we traversed the back of the store, down the stairs, and into the underground labyrinth of the building. Working around pipes, mice, and homeless vagrants, we arrived at what looked like the boiler room.

“This is for brown.” She said, opening the door and shoving me inside where I faced a crotchety old man standing behind a desk. The door slammed shut behind me.

“So, you want brown eh?” He stared me up and down. “Who sent you here?”
“Um, I’m just buying a deck.” I sensed his mistrust. “I didn’t like the idea of a grey colored deck, so I guess here I am.” This convinced him I assumed.
“Good to hear!” The old man smiled. “Let me get the Tome.”
“Um, do you mean tome as in a book with a lot of pages?”
“Precisely!” he replied with glee slamming the book to the desk, causing a cloud of dust to burst out in all directions. “This is the Tome of Brown. It holds all the possible choices of tones of the color for your deck. Choose wisely.”
“Don’t you carry the normal brown color?”
“We don’t have JUST brown, there are many shades. There is light brown, medium brown, maple, sorta-dark brown, medium-but-also-light brown, chestnut brown, light…”

This patio-themed reenactment of the classis shrimp scene in ‘Forrest Gump’ went on for about six minutes until finally I had enough. “I think maybe, I want gray after all.”

“You’ll be sorry!” The curmudgeon shook his aged fist and arm at me as I hastily made my exit.

I arrived back at ground level and there was Ms. Grey, ready to set me up with my patio surfacing needs.

“Ok, I’ll take the hot, popular color.” I said, accepting my fate.
“That is an excellent choice Mr. Cameron if I do say so myself.” she said as she pointed to the Tome of Grey. “Now, what shade would you like? We have many to choose from.”

Humor-blogs.com likes grey as well.