June, 2008

This is the Google logo as seen on their search main page a few weeks ago. Do I need to take drugs to see this?

The other day while commenting on someone’s blog was this word verification:

How many ‘L’s are there!!??

The winner of course is Yahoo which seems to be as confused as Barack Obama:

Did we annex Mexico recently? Oh man I wish I never said that. I don’t want to give the moonbats any bad ideas. They don’t need my help that is for sure.

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Welcome to yet another edition of Bloggers Speak where I sit down with bloggers of the humor kind and ask them funny questions. In the past they were always easy, like a Katie Couric interview because the idea was to showcase the interviewee. The new version now has better questions and less of them as well as longer answers.

This edition’s victim is Don Lewis from ‘Its A Funny Thing’ who took the ball and ran with it when it comes to longer answers. He did so well this became a two-parter, the second half posting next Monday. Enjoy.

How’s it hangin’ Don?

At the present, it isn’t. In point of fact, it’s retracted. I’ve run out of firewood, and global warming has been something of a disappointment here in Northern Idaho. But it’s only the middle of June, the snow falls aren’t sticking, and I’m sure that by August, warmer weather and gravity will improve things reproductive-organs-wise. Thanks for asking.

What would be the funniest way to die?

An understanding of relative point of view is vital in matters like these. The reader and I might have a completely different take on the hilarity of death, depending on which of us is dead. And since ‘funny’ requires not only an objective condition (i.e. death), but is also extremely dependant upon presentation, it is essential that I, as a highly trained and professional humor writer, not die, so as to be able to present your death in the most appealing and humorous way possible. In this collaborative effort, if you do your part, I’ll do mine.

For example: Let’s say that you and I meet on a busy street. You have, clutched in your entirely unworthy hand, a winning lottery ticket worth 300 million dollars. In your natural exuberance, you make the fatal error of informing me of your good fortune. Having never liked you beginning at that moment, I, despite the sudden realization of just what a pig you really are, magnanimously congratulate you with the “Hip-Shot of Friendship,” accidentally propelling you into the path of a speeding truck.

Despite being unsure of how life-threatening your injuries might be, I still do what I can, perhaps by performing an emergency tracheotomy with a handy bit of broken grill, fender, or if necessary, chunk of asphalt. At the same time, being a good neighbor, I work diligently to secure your valuables in the unlikely event that you recover.

Now you, lying there with a chunk of road-rock lodged in your throat, probably are unable to see the humor in this situation. For that reason alone you deserve to die. But I promise (while sailing my new yacht off the coast of Barbados with Jessica Alba at my side) to laugh at you frequently.

Worst movie sequel ever made and why?

‘Leprechaun - Back 2 Tha’ Hood’

Even the name sucks. Substituting a number for a preposition; a weak attempt at ebonics; and the suggestion that leprechauns have some kind of ghetto roots…even the opening title tells you you’re doomed. This, the sixth straight-to-video presentation in the Leprechaun series, narrowly beats out Leprechaun in Space (number 4) for worst of the bunch, but LIS is still better because I’ll watch anything with Debbe Dunning in it. Other than supplying Warwick Davis with continued condo payments until he hit it big in Harry Potter as a goblin, and as an innovative new definition of black Irish, the movie has no redeeming qualities at all. I watch it frequently.

If you could create your own court procedural drama what would it focus on?

Sharia Law. We’re talking evil women in burkas with saucy eyebrows tempting the Righteous. And amputory traffic fines. Can’t lose.

Don’t miss the thrilling second half of Don’s interview where he reveals his secret system for success coming Monday, June 16.

f you would like to be interviewed hit me up and we will make it happen. My only requirement is that you actually be funny and you have a blog. Boring interviews don’t make for good ones around here.

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Welcome back to another installment of the 2008 Angry Seafood Summer Movie Preview. This month we have some interesting options for humor like ‘You Don’t Mess With The Zohan‘ and ‘The Love Guru‘ along with some questionable flicks like ‘Get Smart‘ and ‘Wanted‘.

This should be an interesting month.

I also apologize for missing ‘The Strangers‘ in May’s preview but did you know that there is an old joke with the same plotline?

“Why did you kill everyone in the house?”

“Cause they was home.”

There, I just exposed this film as being a rip-off of a classic dark joke. Now you don’t even have to see the movie. Actually, go see it because no matter how bad a flick is, going to the movie theater is still cheap entertainment. Speaking of which…

You Don’t Mess With The Zohan
June 6

Adam Sandler is a highly-skilled Mossad agent who fakes his own death so he can move to New York and become a hair stylist.

There is a fine line between funny and dumb. I know because I cross that line often. So going with the idea that it takes one to know one I think Sandler’s character will be a little too over-the-top. But it’s nice to have him not playing roles like he did in ‘Mr. Deeds’ or ‘Click‘.

I nominate this one for most-quoted film of the summer until ‘Tropic Thunder‘ comes out.

The Incredible Hulk
June 13

Scientist Bruce Banner desperately hunts for a cure to the gamma radiation that poisoned his cells and unleashes the unbridled force of rage within him: The Hulk.

Is it a sequel? No. The 2003 film is completely forgotten which is good because it sucked. Is the casting good? Yes and no. It stars Ed Norton but he doesn’t get to play a dark character which is what he is good at. He even wanted a darker film but Marvel said no. When Ed Norton is forced to do things his acting suffers. Don’t believe me? You must have missed ‘The Italian Job‘.

The Incredible Hulk looks like a typical fun summer roller coaster ride of a film no matter how motivated Ed is.

The Happening
June 13

A family is on the run from an inexplicable and unstoppable event that threatens not only humankind–but the most basic human instinct of them all: survival.

You have to wonder if M. Night Shamylan was under Disney’s influence too long. Same plot every film: main character has lost their way in life and finds purpose through the external pressure of some kind as the conflict. The protagonist is almost always in some state of limbo in life practicing some kind of isolationism.

But this one does look a little different and with the exception of ‘Unbreakable‘ I liked his other films. If anything there will be a lot of thinking after people see this one, a lot like the reaction to ‘The Village‘.

The Love Guru
June 20

His Holiness Pitka, an American raised by Indian gurus, is back in the States looking to make his mark in the self-help industry with his bizarre, nondenominational approach to enlightenment.

Mike Myers is back with a character he spent five years working on. The movie also stars Jessica Alba so there is always her to fall back on if Myers’ shtick doesn’t work. Who wouldn’t want to fall on her?

He’s funny enough to make this one work but you can’t help not see elements of his past characters in Pitka.

Get Smart
June 20

Maxwell Smart is on a mission to thwart the latest plot for world domination by the evil crime syndicate known as KAOS.

Maybe I am biased or perhaps I missed something by that much. I grew up on reruns of the television show version. (Whoa it was a tv show?) I also saw the first film, ‘The Nude Bomb‘. (There was a Get Smart movie before this one?) While I love Steve Carrell it just seems like a repackage of the old jokes. At least there’s an entire generation of people who haven’t heard them already.

Please don’t tell me Don Adams has a cameo.

Wanted
June 27

After Wesley Gibson’s estranged father is murdered, a mysterious and deadly woman recruits him into the Fraternity, a secret society that trains Wes to avenge his dad’s death by unlocking his dormant powers.

Why does this movie seem like a cheap copy of ‘The Matrix‘? First there was bullet-time, now there is bullet throwing. This film is so bad I had to make up the plot summary because the official one is two paragraphs long. That’s genius right there, make a movie that takes someone ten minutes to explain it to their social circle. Marketers refer to that as the Helen Keller method of word-of-mouth advertising.

Well, at least Angelina Jolie is leagues hotter then Carrie Moss which makes it more bearable to watch.

Morgan Freeman, by the way is really going for some crappy roles lately. ‘Evan Almighty’, ‘The Bucket List‘, ‘Gone Baby Gone’ and now the Morpheus knock-off. When will it end?

Don’t you dare say the next Batman movie either or you are so off my Christmas list.

Don’t miss 2008 Summer Movie Preview III: The Rise of the Superheros out Friday, June 27 with a look at Hellboy II, a second Batman with a dead actor, Hancock and the rest of July’s films.

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I love Massachusetts politics and its humor thanks to people like Jim Marzilli. I am not sure if it as crazy as it is in other places, but in the Commonwealth there are a lot of moonbats. It’s so liberal Vermont and San Francisco have to work extra hard just so they don’t seem more conservative. So you can expect all kinds of debauchery and illicit behavior.

This is why I live in New Hampshire.

That isn’t to say it is any better on the Conservative end, just that when you have a large group of people that think anything and everything is okay like moonbats do, well crazy shit is bound to happen.

Living on the border I get a front-row seat to all the fun and mayhem that goes on in the Bay State without any of the side effects from the insanity. It’s like watching a movie.

This week a blockbuster came out.

State Senator Jim Marzilli allegedly tried to do some illegal cougar hunting Tuesday but was a bit too aggressive. After groping a woman in downtown Lowell, Mass Marzilli was later detained by police. And by groping I mean grabbing a woman’s crotch, allegedly of course.

He used some classic pickup lines like ‘Do you remember me?‘ or ‘Oh baby you are so beautiful. Your body is so perfect.’

It gets better.

He then fled through downtown in an attempt to escape the police:

“Marzilli allegedly ran down the middle of Central Street going against traffic, forcing push cart venders to jump out of the way. Two officers chased him into a parking garage where he allegedly weaved in between parked cars before he was stopped…”

Also during the chase a bank teller with a loudspeaker was helping guide the police to Marzilli. Wow, can it get any more embarrassing? Yes it can.

When the police finally arrested him, Marzilli confessed he initially gave a fake name, fake date of birth, and fake address. Massachusetts liberal politicians never disappoint when it comes to shadiness that’s for sure.

But wait there’s more!

Allegedly another woman has come forward with the claim Marzilli attempted to molest her.

Apparently, he was working the neighborhood pretty well that day and according to the police reports, one of his marks suggested he get money and go to ‘Merrimack street‘ which happens to be where a lot of hookers hang out. It isn’t a nice part of town let’s put it that way.

Of course what was his reaction when it finally sunk in? Like a true liberal moonbat he cried and made self-incriminating statements like “I really screwed up.”

And as a coup de grace, he even got a parking ticket.

Make sure to order your copy of Jim Marzilli’s new Self-Help Dating Guide: “How to Seduce Women: The Politician’s Guide to the Hook-Up” coming Thursday to Radioactive Liberty.

Humor-blogs.com is a good place to look for humor hook-ups. Funny blogs too.

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Today Angry Seafood is happy to introduce our first guest poster. His name is Andy Tilley and he is a fellow humor blogger as well as author of the dark comedy novel Recycling Jimmy. Take it away Andy…

Have British jokes finally made it across the Atlantic?

And I‘m not talking about the Beckham’s here either, I’m talking about the cliché that British and US humour are so far apart that Roseanne could fit snugly between them. Actually, the middle of the Atlantic wouldn’t be such a bad place for her would it? Looking back though (and I’m biased here) for some time the difference between US and UK comedy culture was vast and I would argue that we, the Brits, were well ahead. But don’t take my word for it. Here’s a ‘funny quote’ from one of America’s most zany funny men from way back when.

“The Doc told me I had a dual personality. Then he lays an 82 dollar bill on me, so I give him 41 bucks and say, “Get the other 41 bucks from the other guy !”

Any guesses? Well that was Mr Jerry Lewis supposedly making the world laugh. Okay, it’s taken out of context here and the gag may work better if delivered to a sultry Deano by a stuttering clown but still, funny? Staying with the money theme, the UK riposte is delivered here by Spike Milligan, one of our all time greats.

“All I ask is the chance to prove that money can’t make me happy.”

Granted, it isn’t side splitting but it is funny and it is clever. And let’s not forget, the man was officially insane. Next up for the Yanks and from roughly the same era, here’s Bob Hope, a smirkin’ an’ a grinnin’.

“I grew up with six brothers. That’s how I learned to dance waiting for the bathroom!”

Now I’m sorry Bob and I don’t care who I offend here, but you can put as many exclamation marks as you want after that punchline and it ain’t ever gonna work. Compare this with the brilliance of a British Bob (Mr Monkhouse) who was an equally smarmy but oh so talented wit setting out at about the same time.

“People laughed when I said I wanted to be a comedian. Well they’re not laughing now.”

Pure genius. But what gives the Brits a 2-0 half time lead? Well, the difference between these gags is quite simply irony. At least I think it is although I must confess, I’ve never been too confident with the definition of this comedy concept. For example, is it ironic that I’m basing my guest post on something I can’t define?

Who knows and what’s more who cares. The point is that for years I think America substituted sarcasm for irony, and sarcasm’s really funny isn’t it. See? It isn’t. Now that’s all changed and with the exception of The Office (Ricky Gervaise’s supremely funny ‘reality’ TV show) the traffic seems very much one way these days.

Whilst America sends us Reno 911 and Just Shoot Me, all the Brit’s can do is repackage stuff from the seventies: Benny Hill and Flowery Twats (still a mystery how Mr Cleese got that particular title sequence of Fawlty Towers past the BBC censors).

The point I’m trying to get at here is this; if it’s true that once upon a time the US didn’t do irony, then they sure as hell do now. When you look at the wealth of high quality American shows today, either popular comedy or niche, the British are in danger of getting seriously left behind. As a novelist who deals in comedy writing (dark as it may be) and being fortunate to be published in the US, I find myself more and more looking west to get an appreciation of what people are really laughing at.

I know too that if I don’t, it will be easy to lose touch with the latest trends and get set adrift in the mid-Atlantic with only a sweaty Roseanne to keep me company (well I ain’t rowing, she needs the exercise.)

“I’m normally not a praying man, but if you’re up there, please save me Superman!” Homer Simpson

This guest post was written by Andy Tilley, author of the dark comedy Recycling Jimmy, a tale of a man who after a failed suicide attempt, starts up a service that will help others succeed where he failed.

Find out more or order the book today.

Humor-blogs.com is still debating the British vs. American humor question.

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The great poet of the spoken word Eminem once opined that sometimes you need to clean out your closet. In my case, it means short humor topics that aren’t long enough for a regular post instead of a dead hooker.

A Real-Life Guest Poster Tomorrow

That’s right Angry Seafood has its first guest poster: Andy Tilley. And he is not a fictional character or anything. He is a humor blogger from across the pond and also the author of Recycling Jimmy, a dark comedy about a man who, after a failed suicide attempt, starts up a service to help others succeed where he did not.

His guest post is called “Have British jokes finally made it across the Atlantic?” and it compares British and American comedy.

R.I.P. Bo Diddley

You have probably heard by now that a pioneer of music and truly one of the best-ever, Bo Diddley died Monday at the age of 79. But did you know I once brought him room service? He was staying at a hotel in Pawtucket, RI. I worked at way back in college, and when he opened the door there he was, the living legend of music in a bathrobe, boxers, and black socks. His guitar was on the chair of course, and I also got his autograph. It was kinda weird but as Christopher Walken said once: “I put my pants on like everyone else, except when I do I make gold records.”

Letter Grades

I didn’t know that schools are doing stuff like making every failing grade a score of 50.

If every grade is a ten point margin, then why not assign letters for EVERY grade? Imagine when little Jimmy comes home and tells his dad how badly he did on his report card. His father will ask if he slept through the classes and Jimmy will reply: “yah, see all ‘Z’s.”

Midget Neighborhoods

In every city and town there are neighborhoods where groups live together, based on ethnicity, sexual gender, etc. The Portuguese might live on the north part of town for example and the Jews might live over on the east side.

So how come there isn’t an enclave of midgets anywhere?

It isn’t like you go into the city on the tour bus and there’s Chinatown on the right and up ahead is Midget Town. They like to come up to the tour bus so keep your hands inside please. And don’t feed them.

Evolution Meddling

This is where I think we fuck up the whole ‘letting-nature-take-its-course’ thing.

So they found this bald penguin and made him a wetsuit so he would be able to survive. Wonderful, we saved one animal. If we left nature alone that penguin would have died. But a funny thing happens with evolution. Since the animal is alive and able to pass on its bald genes to its offspring it will create more hairless penguins.

Great.

So what happens now? We have to make more penguin suits and pretty soon we have a whole species of them we have to cloth. Meanwhile little Haji, a human being sits in a mud hole in Africa without a shirt.

If we left nature alone that lone penguin would have died and that would be the end of it. But of course the liberals will cry about how we aren’t saving animals and the potential job losses in the penguin fashion industry.

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