Fan Mail from my Crazy Readers

I often get weird emails from people obviously flirting with the line of sanity. Judging by some of them maybe it was better when I had only like ten readers. Then again, when there are columns about how long it takes to drip-dry after a shower, I guess I should expect weirdness.

First there was this guy LOBO from Predator Press begging me to interview him. I finally agreed after 22,000 emails, if only to save my inbox from self-destruction. Seriously, it is yet another funny interview of a creative humor blogger and it will be up Wednesday.

Then I got this letter about my blog the other day from Jim Evans from some town in Georgia:

“As you read this letter, you may feel confused at points. If you do, keep reading. The rationale underlying Angry Seafood’s musings is confusing. Fortunately, as you read the superfluity of examples about how Angry Seafood has been trying to enable effete talebearers to punch above their weight, this letter will slowly begin to make sense. The nitty-gritty of what I’m about to write is this: We must take advantage of a rare opportunity to lay out some ideas and interpretations that hold the potential for insight. As mentioned above, however, that is not enough. It is necessary to do more. It is necessary to take off the kid gloves and vent some real anger at it. Finally, to those of you who are faithfully helping me reveal the nature and activity of Angry Seafood’s proxies and expose their inner contexts as well as their ultimate final aims, let me extend, as always, my deepest gratitude and my most affectionate regards.”

I believe this classic comedy clip sums up my feelings on this email…

I am very upset at this letter I got yesterday from a reader:

“Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
Look out your window,
I’m looking at you”

That’s MY poem! I wrote that and someone obviously ripped me off! Anyone know a good lawyer? Don’t worry, there isn’t anyone outside my window by the way. I checked.

Some of my readers are ambitious like this one:

First of all, if I did have a daughter I would hope she would be worth more then fifty dollars. Hell, according to Technorati, this blog is worth like $22,000 so unless my child was extremely annoying or very stupid, and in both cases I’d say keep her and give them the fifty bucks for taking her off my hands, I would easily put a kidnapping value at $500,000.

But we don’t know the other side of the story. Perhaps the kidnappers set their sites on 10,000 babies. At fifty, or ‘fidy’ dollars that’s $500,000 in generated revenue. It would take some explaining of course to the landlord for the sudden increase in infants in the apartment/hideout but I guess they could say they were a part of that polygamist sect in Texas.

Either this is a crazy person, a few crazy people, or someone with a true sense of volume business and its relationship to revenue enhancement. These are my kind of readers.

Finally some guy emailed me asking to be a guest poster sent me a sample:

“ Recently in Boston (motto: “Don’t ask the mayor for directions“), residents reported an outbreak of vampires. Perhaps you think there are no vampires in Boston. Perhaps you are an idiot.

As the French say, au contraire (literally: “your breath smells like hot garbage”). I have here in my hands a copy of an Associated Press article sent in by alert reader Daniel, whose name can be rearranged to spell “DLAENI”, although that is not my main point.“

I’m pretty closed-minded when it comes to guest posters especially when I don’t know them. He said his name was Dave Barris or Barry Davis or something. I forget.

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Person shaving picture was taken by Flickr member oatmeal 2000. Dave Barry column excerpt created with the AutoDave text generator.

If you would like to send Angry Seafood fan mail or announce your kidnapping of any fictional offspring of mine use the handy contact form and maybe your craziness will be included in a future post.

Humor-blogs.com is a great place to go for crazy people with funny blogs. Go there now or they will stalk you…

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