That is what I saw when I looked outside last night. Creepy to be sure.

Then I went to the mall…

What the hell is going on!!??

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Every time I see an Elvis impersonator I follow him around to see if he dies on the toilet.

Tomorrow Never Dies was on television last night and I forgot how ridiculously over-the-top it was, even for a Bond film. The clichés were even horrible, like CSI: Miami horrible.

So a guy jumped into a panda cage at a zoo in China for some cuddling time. The idiot got attacked and bitten but was saved by zoo keepers. Darwin rolled over in his grave.

I saw an ad on tv for the Slanket, or something similar. This looks like the perfect gift for a monk or a Jedi Knight.

I heard an ad on the radio recently advertising the new wireless Amber Alerts and it got me thinking: why not add prizes and incentives to the mix? They already offer rewards for other crimes so why not child abduction?

“Be the first to call in with an accurate tip and win $100. Everyone who calls will also be entered into a drawing for a trip to Hawaii.”

What if one of the early humans learned to talk before the rest of them? What if that person was also a woman?

Wife: Hi honey.
Husband: ungh
Wife: Wait until I tell you about my day.
Husband: ungh
Wife: You never listen to me anymore.

At the Miller Park Zoo in Illinois you can buy Christmas ornaments made from reindeer crap.

Staffers make decorations out of droppings from the zoo’s two reindeer, Ealu and Rika. The droppings are dried, then clear-coated and either painted or rolled in glitter.

Put something in a pretty package and people will buy it. Even shit.

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Did you know the first Thanksgiving was actually the Thanksgiving Day Riot? True story.

The first Thanksgiving began as a pot luck dinner celebration on a warm November day in 1645. The Pilgrims, not having much brought dried, salted fish and some donuts. The locals were a little upset to be sure. They brought turkey, stuffing, mashed potatoes, a bunch of undocumented workers, and John Madden.

Like all gatherings of people who do not know each other, the Indians were huddled on one side of the yard and the Pilgrims on the other. It didn’t help that the Puritan code prohibited alcohol. Thankfully the leader of the Pilgrims saw this as a hindrance to relations. He was also tired of eating dried fish all the time so he repealed the ban on liquor.

That move of course got the party going. Everyone started mingling and getting jiggy with it. The first Thanksgiving was looking like a success.

As fate would have it, everyone started getting a little too drunk. Tempers flared when one of the Pilgrims made a joke about one of the Native American’s mom and there was a bit of pushing and shoving. In the heat of the moment, the chief of the locals tried to pet the dog in the above picture and it bit him.

Everyone was about to come to blows when the leader of the Pilgrims made an impassioned plea for calm and order. Things started to settle down until some French guy yelled out “Ze Pilgrims will betray you Indians!” triggering a melee and the Thanksgiving Day Riot.

The fighting eventually stopped and there were no casualties but the damage was done between the two groups’ and their ability to get along.

Relations did improve a little over time but the Riot left an idelible mark on the two groups, something that would eventually lead to the French and Indian War one hundred years later and Prohibition three hundred years later.

We owe it all of course to this guy and his long term vision:

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Back in February I posted my list of the Top Ten Funniest Shows. Being the odd humor blog that Angry Seafood is, I only listed five shows. Here are the others.

1. Married with Children

(Video link for feed readers)

Al Bundy was the 90’s version of Archie Bunker. Most impressive is how tough it was compared to the 1970’s to be politically incorrect.

3. All in the Family

(Video link for feed readers)

The king of political incorrectness has to be Archie Bunker. This show took the question “Do people on television go to the bathroom?” and turned it into a running gag along with offending pretty much every group, race, affiliation, etc. on the planet.

4. News Radio

(Video link for feed readers)

I never understood why this one never caught on with the mainstream. I think it is like Wings, a good show with a good cast that didn’t fit into the ‘Everybody Loves Raymond’ sitcom mold.

6. Kids in the Hall

(Video link for feed readers)

Probably the weirdest one of the bunch, that’s for sure. The odd thing about this strange series was how hit or miss the sketches were. They were either really good or uncomfortable.

9. Newhart (Second series)

(Video link for feed readers)

Unfortunately he’s relegated to second banana status in the Legally Blond franchise these days which is a shame. Bob Newhart truly is one of the funniest comedians of all time.

His style was always sort-of back seat in all his shows and in this series he was always the one outside the group who you watched and listened to for his reaction to the situation.

He has one of the best series-ending scenes ever where the show went back to the first Newhart series like the second was a bad dream.

Let the debating begin…

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Here is the thrilling conclusion to the interview with The Nemesing One from the humor blog I’m Sure I Don’t Know.

[Part One if you missed it]

Since Lindsay Lohan has gone lesbian, is there anything left she could do to attract attention?

I’m waiting for her to announce that when she said lesbian she meant she had a thing for female dogs. I could see her being this major crusader for inter-species erotica and such. As part of that she would stop shaving her legs and pit hair to become closer to her new “mate”. Of course she would have all these huge Great Danes and such, all female. When that starts to die down she will begin to speak in canine and only talk in whimpers, growls and barks. Then when she’s hanging out with Paris and Britney and their all panty-less they would give a whole new meaning to term “Beaver” - it’ll be 70’s porn meets Animal Kingdom.

You have been hired to write the next romantic comedy starring Matthew McConaughey. What will the plot be?

Him and his gay lover (Jason Alexander) are about to get kicked out of their apartment after their ultra-conservative right-wing nut-job of a landlord (Rip Torn) finds out they’re into man-on-man action. They convince him that he has misunderstood some things they have said or done and that they are really straight, not gay. So now they have to pretend they are straight in order to keep the apartment. They have to have a constant string of women friends come over to keep up the façade.

But it’s taking its toll on the two star-crossed lovers and Matthew (the more butch of the two) even starts to wonder - “GASP” if he’s really gay. This all comes to a head when Matthew says he’s moving out and maybe going to look up that girl he thought was kind of cute in college.

While Matthew is at the open door, bag in hand and back slightly turned to the camera, and ready to leave, Jason Alexander begins this very passionate monologue about being true to yourself and forgetting what the rest of the world says,

“For all these years you’ve looked past all my flaws. You’ve looked passed my balding head, my portly stature, my monthly bouts with pseudo PMS and now you’re telling me you can no longer look past the fact that I have a penis. I can’t believe we live in a world where that matters. It doesn’t matter to me. I love you and I love all your flaws and I your penis.”

Matthew turns around, the music begins to swell and he says, “I love your penis too.” With tears streaming down their faces they fall into each others arms which leads to a deep passionate French kiss and then BOOM, Rip Torn walks by the open door and sees them. He immediately kicks them out but it’s pretty obvious he’s a homophobe and he is just trying to mask his own gay tendencies.

The gay community rallies around the two and thousands end up protesting out in front of the apartment building. Rip Torn looks out his window at the protest, turns and looks at a picture of his father sitting on his desk and says, “Sorry dad, I can’t keep denying who I really am”. Now realizing that he is gay, he goes out and gives the two guys a great big hug and wet sloppy kisses all around.

Here there is a cameo by Harrison Ford as a very flamboyant gay man who catches Rip Torn’s eye, they smile, Rip blushes and we just know they’re going to hook up girlfriend. The protest rally turns into a spontaneous gay pride parade that marches off into the sunset.

Guaranteed box office flop but will get tons of awards at Sundance, Cannes and the Oscars.

Thanks for taking the time to do this Nemesing One. Any final thoughts?

Thanks for inviting me, it’s been fun. Do I have any final thoughts?

I’m sure I don’t know.

Nemesing One’s question for the readers:

I just plucked a ¾ inch long gray eyelash from my eyelid, is it gross to go around showing it to my co-workers?

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The twisted conclusion to I’m Sure I Don’t Know’s interview will be up in a little while but before that happens I’d like to announce the winners of the ‘is it me or is everything shit?‘ contest.

There were five entries and guess what? You all win!

Congratulations to dizzblnd, Muskrat, Tiggy, Reforming Geek, and Fiar. The five of you have won a copy of ‘is it me or is everything shit?‘.

See how easy it is to win things around here?

Oh yes, here are the answers in case anyone was wondering. Yes or true means it was in the book.

1. Michael Jackson fans gathering is a sign of the Rapture yes/true

2. The 2007 Steroid All-Star Team no/false (from my post All-Steroid Team)

3. One of the topics is not available on the audio book. yes/true

4. A big eagle with Mom written under it is a tattoo not body art. yes/true

5. Soon FMH magazine will be running features like: “How to Pick Up Chicks that Are Into Global Warming. no/false (from my post Global Warming Headlines)

6. Teri Hatcher is looking for truth yes/true

7. Donkey Kong ruined a generation. no/false

8. Howard the Duck yes/true

9. Purple is the new black no/false (a post topic I am currently working on)

10. Bring back the Hitler mustache no/false

[Humor-blogs.com has funny blogs about true and false statements.]

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Welcome to another edition of Bloggers Speak where Angry Seafood sits down with other online humorists and ask them funny questions every Friday. This week I am joined by The Nemesing One from the humor blog I’m Sure I Don’t Know and he was kind enough to give a two-part interview. The second half will be published Monday.

How’s it hanging Nemesing One?

Well ya know, I haven’t seen my “jimmy” in so long due to my enormous belly that I can’t really say. It’s squished, that much I know.

Should we re-structure holidays so the minor ones like Thanksgiving do not get in the way of the important ones like Christmas?

Ah, well that is one solution, but I’ve always looked at Christmas as a reward for all the gratitude you showed at Thanksgiving. I’m perfectly content with Thanksgiving being a springboard for Christmas, but now it looks like everyone, especially Walmart is trying to make Halloween the springboard. It drives me absolutely crazy.

I know we’ve only been paying lip-service to Thanksgiving, but now even that is gone. My real fear is that if we don’t knock it off, all of those pilgrims are going to re-animate, claw their way out of their graves and make us all pay for forsaking them.

Van Halen-Sammy or Dave?

Absolutely Dave - I have never been a big fan of Sammy - I mean he has his place in Rock & Roll history, don’t get me wrong, but how could anyone replace David Lee Roth? Much like Robert Plant to Led Zeppelin, David’s voice was more of an instrument unto itself. His whoops and wails and shouts were unwritten lyrics that made the whole song.

Who was funnier, Hitler or Che?

Hitler enjoyed a lot of success whereas Che was just an angry douche-bag who failed at about everything he set out to do. Hitler also had a lot of hot, blond, Bavarian chicks in shiny black leather uniforms hanging around. Not to mention German Lager vs. Coronas, I’m going to have to go with Hitler as being the more fun of the two of them.

Although, Hitler isn’t pushing the merchandise like he use to. His novel Mein Kampf was the #1 selling book in Germany (and the ever-increasing surrounding areas) from 1935 till 1945. And Swastikas were very chic. Not so much today though. There seems to be a lot of stigma surrounding the wearing of Nazi symbols and such.

Che on the other hand, although a rampant communist hell-bent on destroying capitalism has become a huge brand name and has enjoyed a lot of financial success.

Hitler = much funnier but has a major PR problem.
Che = total downer, but is very popular with the kids.

What would be the funniest way to leave your wife or dump a girlfriend?

I’ve heard that texting your breakup is the new rage, but I couldn’t do that. I would like to it’s just I don’t own a cell phone.

There is no really gentle way to go about it so I think going for the jugular is the only way: I would send her a bouquet of nearly dead flowers with a note saying, “My love for you is dead, like these flowers, oh and I’ve found someone prettier and thinner and younger than you, but hey we sure did have a good run didn’t we? Oh and BTW, I f*cked your little sister, thought you ought to know.”

Of course, I don’t see this happening in the Nemesing home.

Will this be the hottest toy this Christmas season?

Wow! That was really, really bad, but it’s not too far off base is it. I mean I’m at Walmart with my 7-year old son just last weekend and we’re looking at action figures and he’s deciding which ones he wants for Christmas and then we see the Jesus and Mary action figures and he says, “Dad. I don’t think Jesus would appreciate that very much.” Even a 7 year old knows these things are wrong.

To be continued…(trust me you will NOT want to miss the second half of the interview)

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[Before moving on with the post I would like to remind everyone that you have only mere hours to enter the contest and a chance at winning your own copy of 'is it me or is everything shit?']

I think Taggart from ‘Blazing Saddles’ summed it up nicely when it comes to all the strange things that are happening in the news lately.

Kangaroos and humans share chunks of the same genome? Is it better to think we descended from apes or kangaroos? Oh yeah, we are also related to mice. Evolution is a lot more confusing then we realized. Stupid Darwin!

Donovan McNabb was not aware there were tie scores in the NFL.

During a space walk outside the International Space Station Tuesday one of the astronauts accidentally lost her grip on a tool bag and it floated away. Whoops!

I just hope this incident does not initiate first contact with aliens.

On a side note, women everywhere cringed, knowing they have had the same thing happen to their overly-priced handbags at some time.

The heads of the automakers were in Washington begging for money after flying in on private jets. Amazingly enough, lawmakers called them out on their choice of transportation. If that isn’t strange I do not know what it.

Even the internet is acting weird. An actual word on Google’s word verification system?

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