I had to delay it a day because I found a few movies I didn’t know were coming out this month, like Mamma Mia. I can’t miss an easy opportunity to bash something after all.
After the movie preview and a July Fourth Licking Windows comic strip on Thursday, Angry Seafood is in best-of mode until July 14th. But be sure to come by and visit because I’ll be highlighting my best posts both from here and my weekly column at Radioactive Liberty. There will also be a worst-of day where of course I make fun of my crappiest posts.
And fresh off the break there is another Bloggers Speak interview with none other then Kevin from Pointless Banter. if you have never heard of his blog you must not have the internet or some other stupid reason for missing out on some really funny content.
I think I found the dumbest fad ever: Contact Juggling. I thought the Devil Sticks thing, the advanced form of baton twirling, was stupid. I looked the other way though because it made every hippie that used them look like a glorified band camp member which is always funny. And when you go on camera wearing flood pants it’s even funnier.
Contact juggling is very boring dancing choreography with a prop. You are doing acts of balance not juggling dumbasses.
Here is what I am talking about:
Real juggling is passé apparently. The new cool thing is take one crystal-looking ball and move around with your hands never losing contact, the obvious opposite goal of normal juggling. Or take a bunch of balls and rotate them around your palms.
Dude I do the same thing carrying three drinks in one hand as a waiter. It isn’t impressive. Try doing that and carrying a tray with four plates of food with the other hand.
Of course if it was a real crystal ball it might have this to say:
Besides, half the time he is holding the ball and waving it around like, well someone holding a ball and waving it around. Sometimes he’s walking around or spinning around with it balanced on his head which is weird and highly unimpressive. It also makes me wonder if he had debutante training which would not help his cause in any way.
This is not exactly an entertainment renaissance here either. We went from juggling different things in the air like chain saws and knives, which is pretty impressive to juggling batons to having a glass ball roll around on our arms. Clearly this is a regression because the only people that would find this latest fad entertaining either smoked a huge blunt or has an IQ of 60.
Welcome to ‘Bloggers Speak’ the on-going Angry Seafood feature where I sit down with other humor bloggers and ask them a bunch of crazy and odd questions. Today I am joined by LOBO from Predator Press and this time around there’s a bit of a political/geo-political angle.
How’s it hangin’ LOBO?
Wow I’m glad you brought that up. It’s actually tanning in the backyard, and I forgot to set the egg timer.
Worst movie trilogy of all time?
Honestly, I can’t thing of a good one. Lord of the Rings maybe? Fifteen nonstop hours of little teeny bigfoots obsessed with jewelry seems rather grueling. Middle Earth needed a ‘hood’:
Frodo: “Yo man, Golem just lifted my bling.”
Sam: “Aight. We’ll go pop a cap in his ass after that tight Aerosmith babe crosses over us on this here rickety wooden bridge one more time. Did you know Rivendell has eighty-seven translations for ‘panties’?”
Frodo: “Word.”
Is Canada still an active country?
I just checked a satellite image and it appears to still be just north of us, exactly where it was when I was in Geography class.
-At this point I would conclude that it isn’t going anywhere.
Who was funnier, Hitler or Che?
Neither. In fact those guys we so un-funny, they grew mustaches in advance so we couldn’t even “funny them up” on the posters.
Mao. Now that’s a guy with a great sense of humor.
Van Halen question- Sammy or Dave?
Dave Dave Dave Dave Dave. “The best parties are the ones where you are the least interesting person there.” Without Dave, I’m sure ‘Mammoth’ would’ve been a good band, but that’s all. Dave did the guerilla marketing to get Van Halen on the map, and completely reinvented the live performance. Those slurry licks trailing out on Drop Dead Legs still give me goose bumps, and I never would’ve heard ‘em if not for Dave. Sure maybe he was a jerk. But he had a vision and ran with it; Sammy merely drove off with in the trunk at 54 mph.
Which celebrity would you curse with a plague and why? (Can’t answer Ryan Seacrest or anyone from American Idol)
Paris Hilton and/or what’s-her-face from “A Simple Life.” I don’t like a premise that revolves around rich flakes making fun of the working class. It’s sickening. I keep hoping there’s an episode where Charlize Theron pounces out and beats them both to death with a tire iron. And while plagues are nice, freezing them in liquid nitrogen to chip off small pieces while squishing your toes in the goo seems more gratifying.
Would invading Panama to take back the Canal help oil prices?
When Panama was released by Van Halen in 1984 –circa David Lee Roth I might add- vinyl records were made of oil. But the experience of producing my Spanish Fly Industrial Complex CDs revealed that oil is still required for production no matter how unpronounceable the country your sweatshop is located. And once Paris Hilton’s pager goes off, well, you do the math.
Someone makes the discovery that semen can be used as an alternative fuel source. Good or bad for the porn industry?
Well that’s just good for everybody.
Thanks for taking the time to hang out with Angry Seafood. Any final thoughts LOBO?
Well thanks for having me; I’m a big fan. And special thanks to Al Gore for making this moment possible; the creation of the Internet has given us something that will one day doubtlessly be regarded as a giant Evolutionary step, and the unmatched ability to instantly communicate with the other side of the planet rivals telepathy. This will alter the species. Thanks to Gore’s invention, we can now more efficiently harvest our beloved planet to the husk of every succulent last morsel via satellite, move and track the resources by vigilant computers using tightly-followed timetables, and calculate the diminishing supply against the search for other worlds deserving of our Enlightened Control.
And always remember: Use pornography for good. Never evil.
I often get weird emails from people obviously flirting with the line of sanity. Judging by some of them maybe it was better when I had only like ten readers. Then again, when there are columns about how long it takes to drip-dry after a shower, I guess I should expect weirdness.
First there was this guy LOBO from Predator Press begging me to interview him. I finally agreed after 22,000 emails, if only to save my inbox from self-destruction. Seriously, it is yet another funny interview of a creative humor blogger and it will be up Wednesday.
Then I got this letter about my blog the other day from Jim Evans from some town in Georgia:
“As you read this letter, you may feel confused at points. If you do, keep reading. The rationale underlying Angry Seafood’s musings is confusing. Fortunately, as you read the superfluity of examples about how Angry Seafood has been trying to enable effete talebearers to punch above their weight, this letter will slowly begin to make sense. The nitty-gritty of what I’m about to write is this: We must take advantage of a rare opportunity to lay out some ideas and interpretations that hold the potential for insight. As mentioned above, however, that is not enough. It is necessary to do more. It is necessary to take off the kid gloves and vent some real anger at it. Finally, to those of you who are faithfully helping me reveal the nature and activity of Angry Seafood’s proxies and expose their inner contexts as well as their ultimate final aims, let me extend, as always, my deepest gratitude and my most affectionate regards.”
I believe this classic comedy clip sums up my feelings on this email…
I am very upset at this letter I got yesterday from a reader:
“Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
Look out your window,
I’m looking at you”
That’s MY poem! I wrote that and someone obviously ripped me off! Anyone know a good lawyer? Don’t worry, there isn’t anyone outside my window by the way. I checked.
Some of my readers are ambitious like this one:
First of all, if I did have a daughter I would hope she would be worth more then fifty dollars. Hell, according to Technorati, this blog is worth like $22,000 so unless my child was extremely annoying or very stupid, and in both cases I’d say keep her and give them the fifty bucks for taking her off my hands, I would easily put a kidnapping value at $500,000.
But we don’t know the other side of the story. Perhaps the kidnappers set their sites on 10,000 babies. At fifty, or ‘fidy’ dollars that’s $500,000 in generated revenue. It would take some explaining of course to the landlord for the sudden increase in infants in the apartment/hideout but I guess they could say they were a part of that polygamist sect in Texas.
Either this is a crazy person, a few crazy people, or someone with a true sense of volume business and its relationship to revenue enhancement. These are my kind of readers.
Finally some guy emailed me asking to be a guest poster sent me a sample:
“Recently in Boston (motto: “Don’t ask the mayor for directions“), residents reported an outbreak of vampires. Perhaps you think there are no vampires in Boston. Perhaps you are an idiot.
As the French say, au contraire (literally: “your breath smells like hot garbage”). I have here in my hands a copy of an Associated Press article sent in by alert reader Daniel, whose name can be rearranged to spell “DLAENI”, although that is not my main point.“
I’m pretty closed-minded when it comes to guest posters especially when I don’t know them. He said his name was Dave Barris or Barry Davis or something. I forget.
Person shaving picture was taken by Flickr member oatmeal 2000. Dave Barry column excerpt created with the AutoDave text generator.
If you would like to send Angry Seafood fan mail or announce your kidnapping of any fictional offspring of mine use the handy contact form and maybe your craziness will be included in a future post.
Humor-blogs.com is a great place to go for crazy people with funny blogs. Go there now or they will stalk you…
