May, 2008

Did you know that envy is something that is between two people while jealousy involves three?

It is true. Saying “Jane is jealous of Cindy’s ability to hook up with strange men on a nightly basis” is incorrect. Jane would actually be envious of Cindy’s amazing slut powers. Now if Cindy slept with Jane’s boyfriend which should happen any day now, this situation would cross over into jealousy as well as a possible cat fight.

Or attempted kidnapping.

In February 2007 Lisa Nowak, a NASA astronaut put on a diaper used in space travel and drove non-stop 950 miles from Houston to Orlando to confront her lover’s girlfriend in a fit of jealousy.

I am envious of Nowak’s tenacity, ingenuity, and determination.

Besides, I can look past my women wearing a diaper under their skirt as opposed to wedding tackle.

I am not envious of soccer star Ronaldo’s taste in women, especially those packing heat in more ways then one.

In the final example, we have Paris Hilton who doesn’t have a bulge in her drawers but knows how to use the word ‘Jealousy’. She just needs to work on keeping up with the voice track.

I am envious of Paris’ amazing inability to lip-synch. It is like forgetting the words to ‘Happy Birthday’ or not remembering how to walk.

I hope this guide helps clear up any misunderstandings or misconceptions about envy vs. jealously.

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Funny, this is what comes to mind every time I watch any kind of debating or commentary on the various news channels.

Here is what they are saying since some of it is hard to hear:

“Oh please, you can’t expect her to know how to run a country just because her husband did.”

“Excuse me? In addition to being former first lady, she had performed admirably as New York senator.”

“That’s debatable.”

“So is Obama’s experience level. Not to mention the question of his patriotism.”

“Oh don’t bring up this Reverend Wright crap again. If every politician were held responsible for the words of his associates…”

“Or her associates…”

“They wouldn’t…”

“This was not an associate. This was his pastor!”

“Right! This was his pastor! Not him! Not his words! You want to talk about personal accountability? How about all the ‘misremembered’ stories Shrill is spreading around the campaign trail?”

“Oh, and you have a perfect memory?”

“I’m not running for President!”

“Well, Bush did and look what happened.”

“Why are you bringing Bush into this? I didn’t vote for Bush. I wasn’t even born yet!”

“My point is, it’s time for men to stand aside and let a woman show America how it’s done.”

“Then why aren’t you bashing McCain too? He’s a man. You know why? Because he’s white!”

“Oh, please!”

“He’s white, and Barack is black, and you’re a racist!”

“Well, you’re a chauvinist!”

“At least my candidate didn’t cry on the campaign trail!”

“Well, at least my candidates middle name isn’t Hussein!”

“Oh, you did not just go there!”

“You’re right, I’m sorry. That was low.”

“Look, let’s just come together and stop fighting. Otherwise McCain will win.”

“McCain! Yes!”

Remember, if you like political humor make sure to visit Political Humor by Radioactive Liberty for my weekly Thursday column as well as other miscellany.

And of course you would be amiss if you umm missed Johnny Virgil from Fifteen Minute Lunch’s interview last week.

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Humor-blogs.com thinks Ralph Nader should be President because it would be really funny.

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Prepare for the summer movies that suck! Well most will but hey, I haven’t even seen these films yet. Like my severe avoidance of green beans, which I actually have never tasted, I judge which flicks are good and bad based on two minutes of a trailer and in most cases common sense.

It isn’t hard to be a movie critic. Sure, they tell you they have seen what they are reviewing but for all we know that clip of ‘Gigli’ on Guest & Ebert was new to them too. If I can make crap up on a blog about ‘Speed Racer’ these guys can wing a review.

I’ve broken the post up into a monthly series because I know you don’t want to read a 10,000 word post about movies. The summer will be over by then. This time around we obviously go with the flicks for May.

Let the winging it begin.

Iron Man
May 2

Robert Downey Jr. amazes me with the way he was able to juggle a reoccurring drug addiction and a successful career and still be alive and get great roles. To be fair he is clean and sober now and to his credit he is a good actor.

Still, I am always torn on anyone playing a superhero role until I see the film itself. And Iron Man fans you better like Downey in the red and gold suit because both he and Gwyneth Paltrow have expressed interest in staying on for a trilogy.

I think this will be an enjoyable movie because of the special effects technology finally catching up with being able to do justice to Iron Man’s abilities. The plot will be typical comic book-like but I think Marvel Films learned from disaster in 2003 and not make something as stupid as The Hulk ever again.

Speed Racer
May 9

Speaking of stupid films, here we are with the worst-ever cartoon translated to the big screen, Speed Racer. Not only was the show dumb but it exposed a lot of Americans to Anime and ushered in the age of living in the parents’ basement.

I don’t think the Wachowski Brothers will ever make a good film again after the first Matrix.

That said who the hell would go see this movie? It’s too hyper and colorful for children. It’s too lame for adults. Seriously, what is the target demographic for this one?

Wait until it shows up on the TNT weekend movie rotation late night, sandwiched between Blade II and Forest Gump. It won’t cost you anything and you will be too drunk to see the suckiness of the plot.

The Chronicles of Narnia: Prince Caspian
May 16

I know you have to suspend belief of reality in a movie, especially ones where lions talk and sound like Liam Neelsen. But I just can’t get past the time thing. They enter Narnia as kids, grow up and leave the world as adults but back on Earth it is days later. Then in this one they enter Narnia a year older here but the same age over there. I think I’m getting a headache.

Still this one should be good. Don’t let my silly ramblings sway you on the second Narnia.

Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull
May 22

Expect lots of old jokes. Sneak a six pack into the theater and take a swig every time Indy says “I’m too old for this” thus creating a fun new drinking game.

The trailer has a scene where his timing on a swing is off. He had his tell-a-joke time then he punched out the two people in the cab of the truck. Look, I am no expert director but wouldn’t the scene have flowed better if he took the two dudes out then made the joke? At least it wouldn’t look like the bad guys were waiting for Indy to make his ‘getting old’ crack.

Sex and the City
May 30

I once had a roommate that loved this show and would often watch the DVDs in his room. I also once heard him say “You go girl”. He didn’t know I overheard him and I made sure to say so months later in front of a bunch of people as only a roommate would do.

Total chick flick and if I ever have to make the deal with a girlfriend or wife to watch this (you know the one where she says she’ll watch something you like if she gets to pick something she likes) I am picking Bavarian Midget porn just to spite her.

Don’t miss the sequel, the 2008 Summer Movie Preview II coming Friday, June 9th.

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